Times, they are a changing!

Howdy Fuckers!

I hope everyone is off to a great start today.  Things here at the ranch are about as good as they can be.  No fires in the immediate vicinity but I do have some tall pasture grass that I have to get knocked down this week before it catches fire.

I'm still trying to recover from shoulder surgery.  The good news is, my therapist did some awful PT witch craft shit to my arm, like nowhere near where the surgery took place and I'll be damned if the wing didn't have a positive reaction!  I'm tickled shitless.  This one has been a bitch of a recovery.  I'm probably getting a little cocky but I am going to ask Dr. Haas if I can get out and fish.

Anyhow, that ain't why I'm writing.  You never know when inspiration will strike.  Today it stuck me while looking at social media and checking emails.  I saw something that hit me a little different.

 

Look at this kid!  We don't even beat off like we used too back in the old days.  I mean, what in the hell went wrong with the old way.?  Good grief...  A little lubrication (or not if you're frisky and in a rush) and a little motivation and shazaam!  Way back in the day, the Sears Catalog was jerk fodder.

Not this guy.  Something went wrong way before he stuck his schnitzel in a god damned hornet hive!  This is not, nor can it be the normal progression of masturbation.  It just can't be!  Seriously, how do we go from regular masturbation to this?  No steps in between?  No barbed wire oven mitt with Crisco?  No hand full of crushed glass with hand sanitizer?  Straight to the hornet hive???  Come on, man.

Here's a guy so committed to his craft that he bypassed a partner.  Yeah, no having sex with a partner.  Straight to the hornet hive.  This act leads to a lot of questions.  Did you paint your pecker to look like a big bee?  Smear some honey on that thing?  Why a hornet hive and not an ant hill or something?

Look, man.  I believe we should all be allowed to do whatever we want in private as long as it doesn't harm anyone else.  I've never been an advocate for hornets.  I don't like them at all, but when I say "FUCK HORNETS",  this is not what I mean!

Here we are living in this crazy ass world.  As fucked up as it is, we laugh, joke or cry about our current state of affairs and this go getter comes up with "I'm going to hump a hornet hive."  It doesn't get any more fucked up or funny than that!  

So what's next for this kid?  No shit, where do you go from here?  You have to think that this kid has been through farm animals, midgets with a stutter, the dumpster at the truck stop.  

This kid is a minor.  His folks know about this.  His grandparents know about this.  His whole school, the whole town knows about this!  I don't think you come back from something like this.

Maybe the guy had a grudge against his genitals.  If you have male genitalia, take a quick look at it.  This is, without a doubt, one of the ugliest physical attributes on the planet.  You've got this messed up turkey neck accompanied by a couple of walnuts covered in chicken skin.  I don't like my genitals that much, but I don't hate them enough to stick them in a god damned hornet hive!  Can you dye your pubes or give it a perm?  For Christ's sake kid...  

Epstein Files:

 

The Epstein Files: The unwanted gift that keeps giving.  I don't want this to come off as a political post.  Rape and human trafficking are not political topics until a politician is implicated.  We've got to take politics off the table.  There are many crimes out there that are absolutely awful.  Rape, child molestation and human trafficking rank near the top.  I think we can all agree on that.

Survivors of crimes like these bear the scars for the rest of their lives.  Some can't live with the fact and take their own lives in order to avoid humiliation.  One young lady who mustered the strength to tell her story during the court case did just that.  She took her own life leaving behind 3 children and a husband in the aftermath.  

A lot of the talk surrounding this particular case suggests that there are a lot of "financially influential" people that could be on this list, as if that matters.  We've been told that releasing the files could be devastating for some and it should be!  It should cost them everything and they should be reminded on a daily basis what kind of a fucking creep they really are.

Does it matter that there could be political figures involved?  I guess that would depend on whom you ask.  Personally, politicians work for us.  They aren't the boss.  They do not get to hide behind their position.  They are not too important to not be punished.  They are not above the law.  Billionaires?  Same.  No amount of money changes this.  A creep is a creep and some are wealthier than others.

I believe that releasing the list in its entirety will cause an absolute shit storm, but I think its a storm we all can weather.  I think that we will find some really nefarious people in a lot of different "shot calling" positions and will open the door and expose more criminal activity related to this case.  One can only guess at this point, but I'd bet the farm on this looking even uglier once we dig into it.

First we were told that there is a list.  We were allowed to stew on that for a while.  It went away and it came back a few times.  Then we were assured that there was a list.  We were told by the AG herself that the list was on her desk and that we "needed to be prepared" for the release of the list, and then we were told that there is no list.  Does this not sound like a cover up to you?

"Pizza-gate" was an unfounded political attack.  The only thing I can think of that is even remotely as fucked up as being a perp in crimes like these is to be innocent but accused of these crimes.  "Pizza-gate" was a political assassination attempt.  All of the claims were unfounded, but I don't think anyone forgot about it.  I think the underlying reason for that is... "What if?"  What if prominent elected officials were implicated?  What if billionaires were implicated?  What if uber successful business people, scientists, sports figures or anyone else a person could admire were on that list?  Why would that make any difference?

One last paragraph that will mention politics.  I don't give a half of a hairy rats ass who is on that list.  Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, scientists, sports figures, business men, it doesn't matter.  Let's get the list, publish the list in its entirety and get the judicial system to go to work like it is supposed to.  Prosecute the shit out of these people.  Make an example out of them.  Nobody is too big, too important to not be punished for this shit.

That leads me to this.  Our judicial system.  What a fucking garbage fire this organization is.  So many times we have dragged 18 year old kids into court for dating their high school sweetheart.  Something goes amiss with the relationship.  Mom and dad call the law, Kid is arrested... does time and gets to register for the rest of his (or in some circumstances her) life as a registered sex offender.  No matter where he/she goes in life, they have to register on the sex offenders list for life in some circumstances.

What were talking about here is remarkedly different.  Not even the same ball park.  Were talking about dirty ass old men having sex with children.  I don't care who they are or what they do.  I don't care what they've done for society.  Anyone who commits an act as heinous as this deserves to have the book thrown at them and be served shit soup for the rest of their existence.  And if they take the Epstein road out.... so be it.  If someone in the prison system helps them on their way, I would say that this is the cost of business.  

Unfortunately, I know too many people who have been affected by acts like this.  So many of them have gone through years of therapy to try to find a way through this.  Most of them have found a way to put on a brave face and trudge forward.  Others aren't as lucky.  Either way, this is with the survivors for the rest of their lives.  It not only affects them but their families, friends and other loved ones have to struggle to get through this.

So that leads me to this.  Where does the conversation stop and the action takes place?  We can talk about this shit all day and it leaves us in the same position without any action!  If we don't start here, where? When? What are we doing?  When is enough, enough?

What are we supposed to do?  Remaining quiet about this because of a political figure or otherwise is unacceptable.  Period, end of the discussion.

Back to a point I made earlier.  There are going to be people on this list that we wish were not on the list.  Will their families also be devastated?  More than likely, and that is unfortunate on another level.  Now these people will have to somehow find their way through the rest of their lives.  These are survivors of another sort often with the same ends.  Depression, crushing anxiety unfairly labeled and unfairly acted out against....  these people too will unrightfully suffer.

We can do better, folks.  We need to do better.  

For the record, I want this to be my last post about anything of this magnitude.  I'd rather try to be funny.  Humor has gotten me through a lot of shit in my days and although I can find shreds of humor in this attempted cover up and deflection, I'd rather this list just be released and have a real justice department go after and hold the bad people accountable.  Both sides have asked for accountability.  Both sides have asked for transparency.  We've had none of that.  Let now be the time.

Crash Test Dummy for the Sheriff's Office

 

Good morning everyone!  Happy July whatever day it is.  It's been about 2 months since I last wrote.  I hope everyone is safe and sane.  I bring up sanity for a reason.  I've been called "crazy" more than a few times.  I'm not crazy.  I've done some silly shit in my days and that is what this one is going to be about.

The title is not misleading.  It is not referring to my days of running in demolition derbies.  (That shit is an absolute blast though.  The Sheriff wouldn't trust me with one of their vehicles even though I have a stellar driving record.)  The Sheriff's Department needed a bad guy so they could practice some of their cool shit on.

At the time, I knew the Chief of Police and every officer on their staff.  I also knew the Sheriff, the Under Sheriff and everyone on their staff including dispatchers and jailers.  We were that small of a town, and I was employed in the bar business at the time.  Correspondence with these 2 departments was often.  I had a good report with them, was good friends with the leader of the SWAT team and they figured it would be fun for all of us to get together and they could kick the shit out of me.  

Naturally, I had to sign a waiver releasing them from any liability in the event that I would get injured.  I was assured that in most events, I would be issued state of the art safety equipment.  Face guards, throat guard, gloves, chest protector and a cup.  Apparently sometimes you might get hit, kicked or shot in the ding-ding.  Having played baseball for many years, I understood that a cup only kind of worked but somehow felt more secure with the other safety gear.

Now, I need to back track a little bit here.  My good buddy Tripp Wilson was the Armorer for the Sheriff's Department.  I was taking a couple of courses in order to obtain my concealed weapon permit.  Tripp got me into another class that was called "Less Lethal" and it was put on by the professionals at the S.O.

When you think "less lethal", think of hand to hand combat, tasers and bear spray.  I knew some really cool chokes and arm/wrist locks well before this class and I had been in my fair share of fist fights thanks to that old demon alcohol, which I was a willing purveyor of.

So during this class, we discussed these other "less lethal" options and their applications.  At the end of day 1, we got the opportunity to taste pepper spray.  Yeah, it's not great.  We were standing in a semi circle, another friend of mine was in charge of the can and let us know that he was going to discharge the OC gas in our faces.  About this time, he lets it fly.

Everyone starts gagging, coughing and bitching and moaning.  Me and this guy on the end are just standing there laughing.  I looked at him and said, "Did you get any of that?"  He laughed and replied, "Not a drop."  That was an awful thing to say.  Alan John stepped up to us and gave us an up-close introduction to bear spray.  All of a sudden we were coughing, laughing, bitching and moaning.  

The started escorting people to the decontamination facility and this other dude and I were last.  We got to "simmer" for a few minutes longer.  Afterwards we gathered for a conversation.  As you can imagine, bear spray sucks!  It's designed to stop a grizzly bear from eating your dumb ass.  General consensus... the shit works.  Get a can or two and hide them in your house.  

The nest day was hand to hand combat stuff.  More or less, it was a crash course on a few things you can do to protect yourself.  Some of the stuff I knew.  Some I didn't, so I stood in and let my deputy buddies crank on me.  That was fine and dandy.  Some of the stuff those guys knew was pretty nifty!

The 3rd day we were going to discuss tasers.  And by discuss, I mean that my buddy Tripp told the guy who was doing the taser demonstration that I was willing to donate my body to science.  Sgt. Adams pulled out his taser and began to describe how it works.  "You can do this, and then you can do this, and in emergencies you can do this and its pretty effective.  Does anyone want to volunteer?"  

Hell no, nobody wanted to volunteer so Ben wasted no time reintroducing me to the class and letting them know that I was "down to ride the lightning"!  Ben said, "You're wearing a nice button down.  If I shoot you with this, 2 fish hooks are going to pierce your shirt and I don't want to mess that up.  I can hook you up to the banana clips.  The downside there is, when I pull the trigger, you are more than likely to get 2 blisters burned into your back."  I chose blisters over ruining a shit.

As Ben's assistants were getting me prepared, Ben was going through what was going to happen.  Honestly, I didn't want to hear it.  And me being me, I thought for sure that I would either pee or shit my pants so I went to the bathroom.  When I came out, it was 'SHOWTIME"!

I don't know what most people do when they get tasered.  It seems like they just topple over and get compliant real fast.  Me?  Oh, I scream the F-Bomb for as long as the taser guy holds the trigger and then fall on my face.  Luckily I had a couple of nice deputies kindly place me on my face.  

Does the taser work?  You're damned right it does.  I don't recommend it.  Short circuiting your Fruit of the Looms is an awful idea.  Anyhow, after I got my big ass lit up, we had all kinds of takers.  Maybe this is just me, but I loved watching them get the business way more than I enjoyed the act performed on me.

I'm sure some of you more reasonable folks are thinking, "Probably time to quit hanging out with the cops.  They keep fucking you up!"  And they did, but the best thing in the world was about to happen to me next.  Simunition rounds....  Good news is, I was going to be able to actually shoot at cops with the highest power paint ball guns in the market.  The bad news is, those bastards were going to be shooting back!  Worse news... some of them are pretty good shots.

Anyhow, I show up and am outfitted with that state of the art protection gear.  The helmet and face guard barely fit because I have a giant head, but it fit.  Gloves, a size too small but they appeared to work.  Throat protector just kind of dangled from the face mask.  I held little confidence that it would be sufficient but I'll be damned if it didn't hold up!

The chest protector... Imagine Shrek wearing a child's catchers chest protector.  I looked like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag.  Love handles sticking out of the sides, shoulders totally exposed but this thing was a go and I couldn't puss out now!

As per usual, we went through a safety briefing.  I was then issued a .40 caliber., a couple of magazines and simunition rounds.  We double checked and triple checked everything at least 2 times.  As I sat there watching these guy load up, they were smiling.  .223 cop guns.... bastards had lights (this was at night), state of the art night time optics.  It was obvious that this was not going to be a fair gun fight.  

I sat there with my heavily used .40 Glock.  All I knew was that I was going to get a few off.  What in the world could be better than this.  Another safety check and everyone took their places.  I had no idea where these guys were going to come from, so that added a little excitement!

I was sitting there thinking about all of the cool shit I could say when I cut loose with the old smoke wagon.  In this first scenario, I was supposed to be armed and dangerous.  I was told to talk shit and raise hell to the cops.  (This thing kept getting better by the minute.  I was going to be talking mad shit at the cops and shooting at them???)  

Well, your boy starts running his mouth.  I am looking out windows trying to locate the good guys.  Im yelling shit like "Donut shop is closed fuckers!  Get your ass out of here."  I was being encourage by my buddy Tripp.  "No, let them have it!" he said.  I started calling them "Barney Fife" and "shit-iots" .  (That's just an idiot that starts with shit... its the best I could come up with regarding the circumstances.)

Then all hell broke loose.  Flash bang went off, I ran into a wall, got shot about 15 times.  Got cuffed and sat in a ant hill while they cleared the rest of the building.  I was telling this buddy of mine that he sat me in an ant hill.  He kept telling me to shut up because I was supposed to be dead.  Then he realized that I was indeed sitting in ants and not just messing with him.  He moved me.  They cleared the building and then we reconvened.  

I got shot about 9 times in the head/face, a couple in the chest protector and a couple of times in the hands.  None of it hurt.  I didn't have time to even squeeze one off.  We laughed, cleaned up and got ready for the next drill.

Tripp tells me, "I need you to get as rowdy as you can.  Try to rattle these guys.  I need to see how they do under pressure and you being a dick is going to add to that pressure.  Let them have it.  Let them have it all this time!  You ready?"  My answer, "Hell yeah, baby!"

And, I thought I was.  There was a lot more dialogue before the shooting started.  I was talking to the negotiator.  "Get these fucking cops out of here.  I see that asshole hiding in the boat.  Move his ass or I'll shoot."  Negotiator keeps after me.  I lay in with the "I smell pork" comment and added, "Call your girlfriends off, because if I come out of here, I am going to fuck em all up!"

I'm delighted with my commentary.  Talking shit to cops while your holding a gun.... and its legal?  Holy shit!  Negotiator comes back with something like, "Now, we don't want anyone to get hurt.  That isn't our job.  Lets continue our discussion and see if we can safely get this all figured out."  I holler back, "Fuck that!  I've had about enough of his shit." 

I walk out of the building with my pistol raised.  I say, "The first pig I see, I am going to shoot."  I saw movement and touched one off.  

I can't really explain what happened next.  All of the training I've ever had suggested that talking shit to cops isn't smart.  Shooting at cops was going to be way worse than that.

A hail of bullets came from every side.  I dumped my magazine at everything moving.  I think I hit one guy.  The key for them to quit shooting was for me to hit the ground.

I can't figure out why I stood there so long.  I got shot everywhere.  I got shot in the left nipple.... not man boob, but straight up nipple!  That fucker hurt.  I got hit in both love handles and those felt like they were raking my fat with concertina wire.  I got shot in the ass crack.  There isn't a protection device for any of these things.  Both hands got lit up.  I took too many to the head and way too many in the shins and torso.  Safe to say, had this been real life, I wasn't going to be limping home..

When the smoke cleared, we reconvened.  Those dicks were awful proud of their handy work.  Me, I was pretty impressed.  I wouldn't have waited for me to talk shit before I opened fire.  That's why they are cops and I ran a bar.

In the end, it was a ton of fun.  If I were 30, I'd do this again in a minute!  I ain't 30 anymore.  I have aches and pains all over the place and don't need "practice poke holes" in any part of my body.  I did enjoy helping those guys out and seeing what they are capable of.  If any of those guys are reading right now, if you want me, just come get me.  I ain't going for none of that cop shit again.  Just ask me to give up and I am in.

As I look back, I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm sure this shit above didn't help matters much.  It was a hoot however. To all of the cops that participated that night....  bastards!!!!  You fuckers need a smaller target.  Quit shooting fat bastards.  

Hey, thanks for reading folks.  I am going to start putting more stuff out on a more regular basis.  I hope you guys have a great weekend.