Mistaken Identity

 

How is everyone doing on this fine fall day?  Hope this catches you in a good mood.  If I'm lucky enough, maybe this story will boost your mood.  I think it's hilarious... however I am 53 years old and still think farts are funny.

Let me set this up a little bit.  My friend JJ is Native American.  She works in retail and a lot of times gets to hear some stupid, insensitive shit regarding her ethnicity.  The other day, she posted about one such occasion on social media.  It proved that not only people are insensitive, they really don't think much before shit just goes falling out of their cake holes.  

JJ's brother Nate used to work for me years ago at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar as a doorman.  Nate was awesome at snagging fake ID's, payed attention to what was going on and if there was a fight in the joint, I knew that Nate would be in there with me.  When you run a joint like that, you are lucky if you have a Nate or two on board.  Besides that, the Kascoli's are just top notch folks as far as I am considered.  Their ethnicity doesn't matter to me but it is pertinent to this story.

Here we go.  If you haven't been to the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar on a Friday or Saturday night during the summer time, you're really missing out.  Busiest joint on the block, normally good entertainment back in those days, and it is simply the best place in the world to "people watch".  Nice folks from all over the world show up, get blasted and make asses of themselves... it's a beautiful thing!

The front door ends up looking like a conveyor belt in a factory.  We are turning and burning them as fast as we can. The Doormen are busy working the front door and monitoring the crowd. The Barbacks are doing everything they can to keep the joint going.  The Bartenders and the Waitresses are knee deep in the weeds slinging whiskey and I am there to back them all up.  Once it gets this busy, it doesn't slow down until last call.  Its a hell of a thing to be a part of.  If you haven't worked in a bar, you'll just have to trust me on this.

Right smack-dab in the middle of the evening, a young gal comes up to me and says, "Hey, the big Hawaiian guy at the door told me to come talk to you.  The cigarette machine ate my money and didn't give me any smokes." No big deal.  It happens all of the time and it's just one of the small things I have to do to keep the joint afloat, but the word "Hawaiian" stuck in my head.  I thought for a second, "I have a Hawaiian working here?".  It didn't really matter.  I had a small first world problem that I had to fix so I set path towards the cigarette machine and noticed old Nate at the front door.  "It had to be him that she was talking about", I thought to myself.

For some dumb reason, things like this stuck in my head.  I thought I knew good and well that Nate was Navajo/Apache so I had to go ask.  Normally when I approached a doorman, we had a project to take on.  I walked up and asked Nate, "Hey, are you Hawaiian?"  Nate wrinkled up his forehead, chuckled and said, "No man.  I'm Navajo/Apache."  I nodded and said, "That's what I thought but some chick just said "The big Hawaiian guy told me to come talk to you... she was talking about you, I guess."  We laughed and went about the rest of the evening.

About an hour later, this cowboy comes walking up with a fresh rodeo check in his hands.  (We used to cash rodeo checks for rodeo cowboys and buy them a drink.)  The feller says, "Hey, are you Brice?"  I nod and before I can say anything, the guy says, "The nice Mexican feller at the front door sent me to you to get this check cashed."  I smiled, asked the cowboy what he was drinking and put my initials on the check.  After I got him squared away, I walked up to Nate and said, "Guess what?"  Nate looked at me and I said, "Your Mexican now!"  I told him the story... we had a laugh and again set course on the rest of the evening.

Like I said earlier, this is the type of shit that gets stuck in my head.  Through the course of the evening, the doormen change stations and move between the front door, the back door and the floor.  Each time Nate walked by I would think either "Hawaiian" or "Mexican"?  I mean, he kind of looked Hawaiian and he kind of looked Mexican.  He damned sure looked Native to me, but what in the hell do I know.  

Now here's where the whole thing starts getting wonky in my head.  I look at Nate and think, "I hired a ventriloquist, but he doesn't trick people with his voice... he does it with his ethnicity."  So its a game in my head now and I think of the John Candy movie "Who is Harry Crumb?"  John Candy is a private investigator and he tries to wear different costumes, portray himself as different people...  Ol Nate ain't trying to fool nobody, and I am getting a good laugh out of it all.  I know, I'm easy to entertain....

In my head, everything is all shits and giggles and in the mean time, everyone else is trying to do their job.  The joint is packed!  The music is loud.  Everyone is having a good time and I get just busy enough to stop the comedy playing out in my head until another young lady comes up to me.  She's cute, half cooked and says, "Excuse me, are you Brice?"  I said that I was and I shit you not.... she says, "Oh good, I put some money in the breath-a-lyzer machine and it didn't work.  The Samoan guy at the back stairs said you could help me out."  I laughed and said, "Samoan guy?  Shit, I thought he was French or some shit."  She kind of shook her head and looked at me with a "deer in the headlights" kind of look.  I said, "Give me a minute.  I'll go grab some coins and I'll meet you back down there."

What I wanted more than anything in the world was for this girl to walk up to Nate and say, "You're not Samoan... You're French?" And then I wanted Nate to reply, "Oui, Oui" or some shit.  That would have made my entire career in the bar business worthwhile!!!

I didn't get that.  I did get to walk by Nate with a handful of quarters and say, "Uh, do you know any French?"  He just looked at me and smiled.  I walked down the stairs, showed the girl how the breath-a-lyzer works and prove that she had too much fun.  On the way up the stairs I told Nate, "This chick thinks you're a Samoan.... I told her you were French."  He laughed, I laughed and now I had him set up for the rest of the time he worked for me.

Any time I needed Nate to help a customer, I would tell the customer, "Yeah, if you go up front and talk to the big Puerto Rican gentleman" or some other ridiculous shit, "he can help you out''.  I didn't know who would find the humor in that.  I mean, I knew I would and thought Nate might get a kick out of it too.  

One night a few months later, a young lady that I was not familiar with came up to me and said, "I put some money in the pool table and we didn't get all of the balls."  I thought, "here's my chance".  I said, "Oh man, I hate when that happens.  Go up front and speak to the big Filipino guy.  He will fix you up."

She looks at me dead in the eye and says, "You mean Nate?  He's not Filipino, he's Brazilian!"  I never laughed so hard in all of my life!  I don't know if I ever told Nate about that.  It took months for this to come full circle, but damned if it didn't finally do it!  

Nate, J.J, I love you guys and hope you appreciate the story.  You guys are the best!  Thanks for all of the good times and especially for being my friends.  

Karen at the Coffee Shop

None of the following is open for negotiation:  There is no such thing as "almond milk" or "soy milk".  Period, end of discussion.  We've been through this before!  Everyone on the God damned planet knows where milk comes from!  Well, apparently not everyone.  "Karen" at the coffee shop must have missed out on my rant about "soy milk" in the past.  Fortunately enough for her, I was present and available to give her and the others standing around this morning a tutorial.

Coffee is essential.  I have at least one big ass cup of coffee every morning.  Sometimes 1 big ass cup is just not enough for me to be able to face the day, so I have to make a special stop to acquire another cup.  Today was one of those days.

Luckily, there is a handy little coffee shop on my way to work.  Sometimes there is no wait.  Today was a bit different.  There were exactly 4 people in line in front of me.  As usual, there was the trendy hipster guy with the cuffed skinny jeans and the giant beard too big for his small head.  He always gets some Chai bullshit on ice.  I'm pretty sure you could just serve this jackass anything and convince him it is exactly what he ordered.

Then there is the Mexican lady with her daughter.  Cutest kid in the whole world!  Mom just wants a cup of coffee, black and a juice of some sorts for her daughter.  She is on her way to work and doesn't have the time to screw around.  I like this lady!

Then there's "Karen".  Fuckin Karen, standing there with that hideous fucking hair-do, just waiting to unload some bullshit coffee order on an all too suspecting barista.  Then there's me, taking up the end of the line.

Chip the hipster has his shit together.  He orders his double chai iced bullshit latte and steps aside.  The Mexican lady orders her cup of black coffee and an apple juice as expected, and promptly steps aside... again, as expected.  "Karen" is standing there, looking at her finger nails as if she is the only fucking person in the joint standing in line trying to get a cup of coffee.

Just then, her phone rings which further distracts her.  As she answers the phone, the barista tries to take her order.  In typical "Karen" fashion, she holds up 1 finger to the barista which is apparently universal "Karen" sign language for "Hold on, I am getting ready to be a giant pain in your ass."  The barista quickly turns around, grabs the other peoples orders and sends them on their way.

Karen kind of steps aside...  maybe it wasn't really a step.  Maybe she was just switching the way she stands in order to look more like a twat.  I'm not sure, but it fooled both the barista and I.  I tried to step around her to place my order, which was going to be short and sweet, by the way... and then Karen decides it is indeed her turn and she won't be denied!

"Excuse me'' she exclaims, in only a most Karen like fashion.  "I am next."  I calmly nodded and said, "Hang up the phone, keep your ass in line, step up and order your bullshit drink and lets get on with our day, shall we?" 

Naturally this set Karen back on her heels.  (Nobody has ever talked to "Karen" this way....)  "I beg your pardon?" she says.  My reply was about as direct as it could be considering the circumstances.  "Look lady, you stepped aside as the barista motioned for you to step up and place your order.  You decided that your phone call was going to be more important, so you answered it and I tried to step around you.  You then decided to call me on my move and here we both are, still standing in line, waiting to order.  Get your ass up there and order some coffee, pay for that shit and get out of the way.... and so help me God, if you order some shit with "soy milk" or "almond milk", I am going to lose my fucking mind."

Karen is frozen at this point.  Her chin drops and hits her chest.   She hesitantly steps up, looks back at me, I point to the barista and say, "Just order..." 

The barista very politely says, "Can I take your order, ma'am?"  What should have happened in any other circumstance would have been, Karen would have placed her order, paid for that shit and stepped aside.... Nope!  Not Karen!  She's been "wronged" by the big idiot behind her and now she needs to let the world know.  "Who does this guy think he is?" she asked the barista.  Unapologetically the barista says, "I don't know ma'am.  He looks like a guy on a mission to get a cup of coffee and get on his way to work." 

The barista knows whats going on!  She got the memo!  She knows how important this shit is.  She wants to do her job, get this show on the road and make some people happy.  Then Karen's ass shows up and just throws a monkey shit throwing fit, as she usually does, just to ruin everyones day, including her own.  You see... Karen's aren't smart enough to know that it is them that is fucking everything up.

She looks back at me.  I point at the barista.  The barista again says, "Can I help you?"  Then it happens.... Karen orders the most bullshit Karen order of all fucking times!!!!  "I would like to have the turkey bacon and cream cheese sous vide egg bites, the avocado and tomato toast made on a panini rather than the whole wheat or sourdough bread that it is normally made on,  I would like a double chai latte with 2 double shots of lemon grass energy boosts and I need double espresso with half almond milk and half soy milk."  The barista rings up the order and tells her the total.  Karen looks at me and I shake my head.

I know she is going to say something.  She almost has to in order to try to save face.  I wasn't sure what it was going to be, but I knew she would say something.  Then it happened.  "What?  What are you shaking your head about?" 

"Karen, I am shaking my head because your whole life is a sham!  First of all, you ordered some shit that isn't even on the menu.  Look at the menu and find sous vide egg bites... go ahead.  I've got the time.  Let me help you, Karen.  It's not on the menu, and you just aren't that special.  The scrambled egg, bacon and cream cheese sandwich is on the menu and like the barista, I think this is what you wanted to order but you took it one step further by ordering some other shit that doesn't exist.  Turkey bacon.... there's no such thing.  There is turkey breast, turkey legs, turkey thighs, turkey guts, turkey feathers, turkey shit, turkey eggs, turkey guts and turkey coops.  Some dipshit decided he could dye turkey to look like bacon and call it turkey bacon, and that person was likely another Karen.... but the shit doesn't exist Karen.  It's turkey.  Bacon is bacon and you can never, ever fuck bacon up bad enough to taste like turkey.  Consequently Karen, there is nothing you can do to make turkey taste like bacon.  Its impossible.  And Karen, do you know what else is impossible?  Getting milk from a nut or a bean!  You can't do it!  Milk comes from tits.  Beans and nuts don't have tits!  Where is the tit on an almond, Karen?  Where?  Is it the little pointy thing, or is that the almond head?  There is no head on an almond either, Karen.  Its all almond... no tits, no feet, no head... just almond.  Soy is just the same.  Its a god damned bean, precious.  A titless, god damned bean, but some asshole decided to squeeze a bean, put the shit in a carton and call it milk.  Good enough for you and the rest of the frauds in the world, eh Karen?''

I step around Karen, smile and say, "May I have a large cup of coffee please?"  The barista said, "Yes you may.  Should I leave some room for some cream?  We have individual cream containers at the end of the counter."  I smiled again and said, "That would be delightful." 

I paid the young lady and she turned around and poured my cup of coffee.  At this point, my back was towards this woman, but I could feel Karen staring daggers into the back of my skull.  I picked up my coffee and walked down to the end of the counter.  I opened a small individual contain her cream, caught Karen's eye, pointed at my nipple and poured the cream in the coffee. 

I had gone on long enough to where I even made my own self slightly uncomfortable.  As I walked out the door I thought to myself, "I've got to learn to reel this shit in and just not say anything."  As the door opened, Karen said "Good riddance".  I turned around, smiled and said, "Moo."

I am endeavoring to be a better person.  You probably couldn't tell from this encounter... or a few of the other ones I've written about.  Anyhow, I hope everyone has a good day.  Eat real bacon and drink real milk please.

"The Jack-Mormon 500!"

Ladies and Gentleman,

"That was our National Anthem, performed by the Smoot Shiny Kazoo Quartet and brought to you by a half smoked pack of Camel lights!  Thanks for tuning into the Western Wyoming Sports Channel.  My name is Rip Biffler and I'll be calling the race today with my good friend, color commentator and part time Teton County School District Janitor, Chip Randy!"

Chip:  "Thanks Rip, and as usual, I am glad to be here on this beautiful, February morning! I am super excited for what should turn out to be a good race!"

Rip:  "This is indeed a great morning for the daily race from Star Valley Wyoming into Jackson's Hole.  Listen, before we get into today's race line up, we have our man on the track, Lincoln County's own unofficial representative from the DOT, Ed.  Hey Ed, can you give us an update on the track conditions today?"

Ed:  "Yep....."

Rip:  "Ed, are you still with us?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Are you going to give us an update on the track conditions?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Go ahead, Ed... we don't have all day..."

Ed:  "Well, its kind of the same thing every day.  Probably some ice in a few spots.  Pot holes are starting to hatch.  Plenty of gravel on the roads to break some windshields.  Probably some elk and or deer available to ruin a few front ends.  The High Way Patrol hasn't been out too much lately, so I expect to see some really shitty driving!"

Rip:  "Thanks Ed.  So Chip, let me ask you a question as a daily racer.  What do you expect to see today?

Chip:  "Well Rip, it's a packed field today with all of the usual suspects.  I expect the Evan's Construction Chevy Pick up truck to make a few aggressive passes just after Alpine Junction to take the early lead headed into the canyon.  I suspect the white late model Toyota 4 Runner to be up to his usual tricks, tail gating, running with his high beams on the entire distance and passing in every no passing zone.  As Ed said, the track is in its usual shape for this time of year so who knows what kind of bullshit high jinx we are in for."

Rip:  "Let's not forget the old white 4 door sedan driven by the lady who has too many dogs!  She is in the mix up every day, Chip.  She hasn't a clue as to what she is doing on the road.  I've never seen such a clueless shitbag trying to drive and feed her 11 dogs a half of a bologna sandwich but she is out there, every day causing grief and dissention.  Let's also not forget the Teton Motors Loaner car.  It's on the track nearly every day driven by a different driver!  You're never quite for sure what kind of a junk show you will run into there!"

Chip:  "Valid point about the dog lady!  She feeds the dogs a sandwich, smokes a cigarette and almost always throws the butt into the back seat and starts some kind of a dumpster fire.  Not sure how she keeps that equipment on the track."

Rip:  "From the looks of her quarter panels, Chip... she doesn't do too good of a job."

Chip: "Touche` my good man!  Touche`!  Well Rip, it looks like we are about ready to race!"

Rip:  "As you know Chip, the field is at least 1,000 drivers strong, so we wont be able to actually name them all but we will do our best to get to the best of them, but first... a word from our sponsor.

EVERY DAY IS RACE DAY, HERE AT KJ'S.  WE'LL SELL YOU SOME DIESEL... WE'LL SELL YOU SOME GAS....  WE'LL SELL YOU SOME PIZZA, CHIPS, A HOT SANDWICH AND SOME CBD GUMMIES!!!  STOP ON IN FOR A COUPLE OF CANS OF 4 LOCO AND SOME FIREWORKS AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE OUR FULL SERVICE SHITTER!  RACE DAY AT KJ'S!!!  GET YOU SOME, BITCH!

Rip:  "Thanks to the good folks over at KJ's.  Have you ever tried their coffee?  It's loaded with caffeine and will have you shaking like a cat shitting a peach seed.  Get you a cup before heading up the canyon!  Now, its time for the daily line up.....  Starting in the #1 and #2 positions are the plow trucks.  In the #3 position we have the 35mph Toyota pick up guy.  In the #4 position we have old Ford truck guy who probably needs some kind of a carb adjustment... smells like he is running a little rich every day.  In the #5 position we have the guy who drives the length of the canyon with his blinker on.  In the #6 position we have the lady who used to work at the Dollar Tree.  In the #7 position we have the guy driving the cement pump truck.  In the #8 position we have the Jenkins Lumber delivery truck.  From there back a couple of positions we have a few yahoos, idiots and assholes.  Back in the #25 spot we have the guy who hits his brakes way too often, for no good god damned reason at all followed by the old black dodge flat bed pick up truck.  He'll be followed by some more idiots including the lady with too many dogs, the Century Link truck and the Dudley's.

Chip:  Rip, if I an interrupt for a minute.  The Dudley's are driving the little car today.  It gets better gas mileage and that will allow them to stop in at Hoback Junction so Mr. Dudley can get a can of chew.  Nice little car, I believe its a foreign job and probably gets 30 miles per gallon or so, fully equipped with a tiny 4 cylinder motor and a fucking thing that beeps every time they get too close to the center line.  Totally aggravating when you're behind the wheel!  If Brice is driving today, he will for sure be getting an ear full from the beeper and the misses.... Good luck to them!

Rip:  Great point, Chip.  That beeping thing is aggravating!  You can almost hear the F-Bombs flying out the drivers side window.  The word is, that little car does have seat heaters though and it keeps everyone's ass warm on these cold mornings.  Maybe that will be helpful this morning.

Chip:  Rip, who else do we have in the line up?

Rip:  From this point on Chip, it's a hodge podge mixture of the usual suspects.  Carpenters, teachers, plumbers, HVAC guys, the dude who used to play guitar on the town square that used sticks to dig coins out from between the cracks in the boardwalks during the summer time, a few cops and Teton County Sheriff Deputies will be in the mix, the High Country Linens box truck and the one guy who missed the turn to Idaho Falls!  It's going to be another exciting day of racing, Chip and we are moments away from the starting flag!

Chip:  This is just in, Rip.  Summer residents Tim and Judy Sharp from Valdosta, Florida are in town today but will not be racing.  It appears as if the Sharps either have the Corona virus or got food poisoning from some truck stop sushi in Rock Springs yesterday.  Both folks have a fever, the chills and hostile diarrhea.  Nobody in Lincoln county knows what the Corona virus really is and frankly, nobody gives a shit either.  We all know we don't want it, so keep your asses on lock down, Tim and Judy!

Rip:  Ive just been told that they waved the flag 3 minutes ago when the Evans Construction guy came flying out Star Valley Ranch to take the lead!  He's being followed by the guy who used to stutter that worked at the movie theater!

Chip:  That guy is cool.  Gave me free popcorn once.  He also told me that they used only real sea salt on their popcorn.

Rip:  That's probably why its so addicting!  I always get that big ass bucket of popcorn, myself.

Chip:  Heavy on the butter?

Rip:  I drink that fake butter, Chip.  My colon is cleaner than the Bishops driving record!  It's something else!

Chip:  Well, I'll have to take your word on that.  I will not be doing any kind of an investigation.

Rip:  I appreciate that, Chip.  Hey!  Don't look now but the Pocatello Sod truck just turned into the canyon from the junction!  He's empty.... what in the hell is he doing here this time of year?

Chip:  Great pass move around the 35 mile per hour Toyota truck guy!  of course everyone will be passing that idiot!  But behind him is the guy in the green Subaru with the broken tail light!  He's been racing up the canyon for the last 3 years and has somehow managed to not get popped for that tail light!  That's one of the better stories happening here today, Rip!

Rip:  I agree.  I think I once got a ticket from the highway patrol because I thought I had a broken tail light.  Those troopers are something else, Chip.  Sneaky bastards, using the pull outs as places to hide. 

Chip:  They are... They are...  Rip, it looks like the guy who used to work for the Chamber of Commerce down in Kemmerer is making a few aggressive passes in a no passing zone.  He's not a regular driver but I'd guess his coffee and bran muffin are starting to do their job and he is looking for a little relief!

Rip:  He'll play hell looking for relief there, as he just passed the Wolf Creek Camp Ground!

Chip:  I think you're right, Rip.  The good news is, he has that 87 Jeep Cherokee with the broken ski rack running in top condition.  He'll need that in order to come into Hoback Junction and claim a stall in the Hoback Market bathroom!

Rip:  We now have them running 3 wide at the blue Cliffs!

Chip:  3 wide with the white 4 runner guy trying to take the inside lane!

Rip:  How is he managing to do that there on this track today?

Chip:  I think he is going to try to take advantage of the upcoming potholes at Taco Hole, Rip.  If he plans this right, he can force the rusty 2 door sedan to back off a little and then overtake the guy from the auto parts store on the straight away!

Rip:  Fantastic bullshit driving today so far, Chip!  I've never seen such bullshit!

Chip:  Oh, you need to move down to Alpine, Rip.  Living in that east Jackson condo with 7 room mates has spoiled you on the commute.  What do you guys pay for rent over there, Rip?

Rip:  Each one of us pays $1600 a month and its a bonus for me because I get to sleep in the broken shower stall.  Beats that commute anyday!  This just in... it appears as if there is some kind of quagmire near the Elbow.  Lets go live to Ed at the elbow.  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Yep....

Rip:  What can you tell us about the quagmire, Ed?

Ed: ..........

Rip:  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Huh?

Rip:  Are you there at the Elbow?  What's going on?

Ed:  I found a bag of Wendy's trash at the side of the road.  I think everyone thought it was one of those big ass snow clods off of a semi.  Turns out, there is a half eaten chicken nugget in there that looks pretty good.  It does have some ketchup on it and I am kind of impartial to ketchup.

Rip:  Is it really affecting the traffic?

Ed:  The ketchup?

Rip:  No, you fucking idiot!  The trash in the road.

Ed:  Oh, no.  I don't think so.  That was probably me.  I was standing in the road looking for a couple of fries to go with my half eaten chicken nugget.

Rip:  Jesus Christ, Ed.  No wonder why road rage is on the rise!

Chip:  Wendy's isn't an official sponsor.  We probably shouldn't mention their name.

Rip:  I'm good with that.  Can we not mention Ed either?  He must have gotten into the leaded paint chips as a kid, I'd guess.

Chip:  I don't know anything about that, but I do know that Ed was once married to his mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles next door neighbors sisters, brother.... Yeah, I think I got that right.

Rip:  Speaking of sponsors, Chip... I think we need to mention the guy who makes all of the shitty re-tread tires that come apart in the canyon all year long!  He sucks!  And to the guys who keep pissing in milk jugs and throwing them out along the road, nice work!  Nothing like jugs of rancid piss!

Chip:  Well, Rip, its been an exciting race day so far.  Nobody is in the ditch yet.  Most of the commute is over for most people and at least half of the drivers have already punched the time clock at their respective jobs!

Rip:  That's another good point, Chip!  With the roads as dry as they are, speeds are up over the posted limit with the exception of 35 mph guy who just got into the canyon.  Everyone else is working diligently at their respective jobs.  Not that guy, though.

Rip:  Chip, I can't thank you enough for the color commentary.  Your professionalism and knowledge are unsurpassed.  It's always a privilege!

Chip"  Rip, thank you.

Rip:  This concludes our coverage of today's Jack Mormon 500.  We'd like to thank our sponsors... half pack of Camel lights, some jugs of piss, the empty Wendys bag and KJS.  Rip Biffler, signing off from the Teton County Transfer Station.   Thanks for driving like shit!

Holiday Spirit!!!

So, I'm sitting at work today and realize that I am out of coffee.  As slow and as cold as its been, coffee was going to be a necessity, so I make my happy way on down to the grocery store.

Other than my feet being cold and being out of coffee, my day is going along perfectly!  Not sure I could be a whole lot happier, and at this time, all I want is stuff to make coffee at work.  Nothing else.  I find a spot in the parking lot, put the car in park and reply to a text that a friend sent me.

Another car pulls up alongside of me.  I notice a younger couple hopping out of the car, and the lady who was riding in the passenger side of the vehicle has her face all messed up and she is staring at me like I just tracked cow shit across her new Persian rug.  Big deal, I think to myself and get back to replying to the text.

Just as I shut the truck off, there is a knock on the window.  It's the lady.  The one with the messed up face.  (I'll add that she looks like she smells like pee.)  I roll the window down to find out what's up and before I can say a single word she says in an angry tone, "We don't sit and let our cars idle here in Jackson." 

Now, me being me, I knew where I was going to take this.  When opportunity knocks, you have to take full advantage.  I replied in my kindest voice, "Oh gee, I'm sorry.  I pulled into this spot about 20 seconds before you pulled in and I was responding to a text.  I normally don't make a habit of just sitting around and letting my truck run."

She adds, "We are concerned about the environment.  People like you drive these big ass trucks that suck down so much gas, throw out so much carbon and other pollution.  It's just irresponsible and I wish people like you would be more responsible."

I hop out of the vehicle because I was going to make my way into the store.  The young gentleman said, "Heather, come on.  He doesn't get it.''  She was getting ready to chime in with some more useless gibberish but I cut her and him off at the pass.  "No, no.  I totally get it, and who wouldn't be worried about the environment.  Me, sitting there idling, texting a friend and wasting gas is something that I should not be doing.  It's irresponsible.  Again, I'm sorry."

The girl responds, "Do you even live here?"  I said yes and added, "for longer than you've been alive."  Her response was, "Then how can you just sit there and let your truck idle?"  Her body language made me believe that she was going to sit and continue making her point, even though I didn't give a shit about her, her point, the fact that she looked like she smelled like piss and her boyfriend was wearing pajamas. 

I asked, "Do you actually live here?  Do you actually have a job?"  Now, her skinny assed, pajama wearing boyfriend starts to make his way towards me and his darling little princess.  "I do live here.  I do have a job, but what I do is none of your business."  I nodded and said, "This is an interesting conversation.  You think its none of my business what you do but at the same time, you think its your business to tell me how to conduct my own business?"  She emphatically nodded and said, "Yeah.  You just can't do stupid shit like that."

I grinned.  Some of my friends would have recognized this as me getting ready to lose my shit, stomp the shit out of both of them and then look for a spot for the bodies.  Instead, I said...  "Do you know what?  You're right.  It was stupid and again I apologize.  I can see that this really has you worked up and today of all days is not a day to be all worked up.  This is a day to be grateful and thankful and I also believe that under different circumstances, you and I would probably enjoy each other's company."

Now, she's dumbfounded.  She thought she was going to get a fight out of me.  She was most definitely in the market for one, but my apology must have sounded so sincere.  The look on her face changed.  Her body language changed and she seemed to relax a little bit.  I added, "I have to make my way into the store and grab a few things so I can get back to work, but I want to ask you another question or two before I go.  Is that okay?"

She nodded and said "Yeah, please.  Ask me a question."  I said, "So, you live here and work here, correct?''  She answered yes.  I then asked, "Do you ever, uhm.... go fuck yourself?"  and then I walked around her and her stick figure boyfriend. 

It got awful quiet there in the parking lot.  I'm sure I somehow managed to screw up their all-vegan, no gluten, high fiber, sticks and dirt tofu turkey dinner.  And it's that folks.... That makes me truly thankful.

Enjoy your day, friends.

Getting Even with the Man!

I live in a pretty rural area.  When it comes to shopping, you have a very limited selection of stores to go to.  It's not like you can run down to Walmart or the neighborhood strip mall and get everything you need in one stop.  A couple of the stores around here try to do a good job with that.  Others, they just don't care.

These "other' stores I am talking about are what this story is about.  If you absolutely, positively need something, this one store in particular will never, ever, ever have what you are looking for.  On the other hand, if you are looking for a handful of random shit, you can stock up.  If you walk in this store and are looking for a #2 pencil, you're out of luck.  If you just walk in and just decide that you are in the market for a  King James Edition of the Bible, a left handed catchers mitt and a rusty broken metal clothes hanger, they are going to have shelves of that shit... no fail, every time.

After shopping here a few dozen times through the years, I know what I am getting into.  So, me trying to be the smart consumer, I decided to call ahead and ask if they had the product I was looking for.  Electrical tape... very common item.  You can even find this shit in the grocery store, but for some dumb ass reason, I chose to call this outfit.

They answer the phone very professionally and ask "How can I help you?"  I say, "I am looking for a roll of electrical tape.  I don't want to drive all the way into Jackson or Idaho Falls to grab some.  Do you guys have electrical tape?"  The lady says, "Of course we do.  We're a hardware store.  Would you like me to go grab a roll off the shelf for you, and then all you have to do is walk up to the counter and pay for it?"  I said, "That would be great.  I will be there in about 20 minutes."

I arrive at the store thinking I am way ahead of the game.  I won't have to walk through this nightmare of a store.  I'll just walk in, go to the counter, pick my tape up and hit the road.  Easy, peasy....  I walk in, walk up to the counter and say, "I called in about 20 minutes ago, looking for electrical tape.  The woman I spoke to said that she was going to go pull a roll and have it here at the counter for me." 

The person standing in from of me has the old "deer in the headlights" look.  "Huh" she replies.  I go through the story again.  "I called in about 20 minutes ago and asked if you guys had electrical tape.  The gal said, and I quote, "Of course we do, we are a hardware store", then she said she would go grab a roll and have it at the counter for me when I walked in.  Do you have a roll of electrical tape for me?"  She didn't get any smarter.  She said, "Well, who did you talk to?"  I said, "Ma'am, I don't know but this is a small organization.  There can't be very many employees here.  I'll go find the electrical tape myself if you can tell me which aisle I can find it in."  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "We don't have electrical tape."  I lost my mind....

I walked around the entire store, cussing every step of the way.  Up one aisle and down the next!  We are talking about a God damned hardware store that does NOT have electrical tape!!!  I just left...

On my way back home, I decided that I needed to get even.  I decided that I was going to grab a few random bullshit items from around the garage and take them back to the store and try to purchase them.  I had no idea how this was going to turn out, but I was now on a mission.

I picked up a small chunk of wood that the dog had chewed on, a wadded up paper towel with motor oil on it and a small empty box of screws and went back to the store.  I walked in and took my sweet ass time, walking around that store, pushing one of those big ass hand truck things that you might load up with lumber.  I threw my 3 bullshit items from the garage on there and walked by every employee in the store.  Only 1 of them asked if I needed any help, and looked at the bullshit I had sitting on the hand truck.  I said, "Yeah, I'm looking for a half a can of Mr. Pibb.  Where do yall keep your half cans of Mr. Pibb?''

The guy smiled and said, "Are you serious?"  I nodded emphatically.  "I'm serious as a train wreck, buddy.  I need a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."  His chin dropped and he just looked at me.  I said, "Don't bother.  I'll go ask that helpful lady at the front counter for some help."

I pushed my big ass flat bed hand truck thing up to the front counter.  On it I had my chewed up chunk of wood, my dirty ass paper towel and my empty box of wood screws.  As I arrived at the front counter, without even looking at me, the lady said, "Will this be everything?"  I almost laughed!  This lady was going to try to ring this shit up, assuming that I had brought up some real products.  I quickly said, "No, I asked one of your constituents for some help, but he suggested that I come speak to you." 

She finally looked up at me and said, "What can I help you with?"  I said, "Well, I need these 3 items here plus a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."  I shit you not... she shook her head and said, "You need what?"  I pointed down at the 3 bullshit items I brought in and pushed around the store for a half an hour on this big ass flat bed hand truck thing and said, "I also need a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."

She shook her head again and said, "What is a Mr. Pibb?''  I said, "Its a special kind of motor oil or something.  I guess I could use an RC Cola or a Diet Shasta Rootbeer if you don't have Mr. Pibb.''  By now, I am having a blast.  This lady has no idea what in the hell is going on, but I knew... at this very moment, I had her exactly where I wanted her.  She started to reach for the store's loud speaker.....  She said, "Debby, can you come up front please.  Debby, come up front."

A minute or so later, here comes Ol' Debby.  You can kind of tell that she isn't really the brain trust of the organization.  The gal behind the counter says to Ol Debby, "This feller is looking for a half can of Mr. Pibb.  Do we have Mr. Pibb?"  Debby replies, ''What is Mr. Pibb?'  I reply, "I think they use it to thin paint or grease wheel bearings with."  Debby says, "We don't have it.  You ought to try the auto parts store.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"  I said, "No, I guess I will just pay for these products here and be on my way."

Both the gal behind the counter and Debby looked down at my big ass, nearly empty, flat bed hand truck.  I picked up the chewed up piece of wood, the empty box of wood screws and the dirty paper towel and plopped them on the counter, and reached for my wallet.  Debby looks at the gal behind the counter.  The gal behind the counter looks at this shit I brought in, back at Debby and then back at me with the same dumb 'deer in the headlights" look she had earlier and said, "Will this be everything!!!!"

I laughed my ass off!  She was going to try to ring this shit up!  I couldn't quit laughing.  I gained my composure for a second, reached over the counter and grabbed a small pack of gum and said, "That'll be everything."  She looks at the small pile of shit.  She looks at the gum.  She rings the gum up and said, "That'll be $1.06"  I gave her a buck and a quarter and she gave me change and stood there looking at me.  She said, "Will there be anything else?"  I smiled and politely said, "Can I please have a bag?" 

With her mouth agape, she grabbed the smallest bag she had and put the gum in it, and handed it to me.  I looked down at the 3 other items and then looked at her.  She in turn looked at me, picked up the empty box of screws, the chewed up piece of wood and the dirty paper towel and put them in the bag as well.

The look on her face was priceless.  I looked back into the store and there stood Debby and the guy who tried to help me in the first place, all with the same stupid look on their faces.  The gal behind the counter said, "Thanks for stopping in.  Have a nice day."  I just stood there.  Now, everyone was slightly uncomfortable.....  she tried to gather her thoughts and said, "Is there anything else?"  I smiled and said, "May I please have the receipt?"

She puts the receipt in the bag and gingerly pushes it towards me.  I smiled, nodded and reached inside for the pack of gum.  By now, she is nervous.  I unwrapped the gum wrapper, put a piece of gum in my mouth, wadded up the gum wrapper, set it on the counter. I smiled again, said thank you and left the store.

I'm positive that they were glad to get rid of me.  What they don't know is, I am going back tomorrow to try to return the pack of gum.....  Go ahead.... mess with me, you sons a bitches.

9/11 "Never forget"

Everything is different today than it was on the morning of 9/11.  A lot of us were too young to remember Pearl Harbor and most of us were too naive to think that America could ever be attacked on our own soil.  One thing changed that day.  Our vulnerability as individuals and as a nation had been fully exposed.

I was in the desert that morning, hunting antelope.  I just spent over an hour trying to put a sneak on a real good looking goat, and I got busted.  I stood up and turned around to find out where my friends truck was.  Here he came, barrelling towards me through the sagebrush.  As he pulled up, he was yelling through the open passenger side window, "We've been bombed.  The World Trade Center has been bombed!  Get in."

We were listening to the radio in disbelief, trying to make sense of what was going on.  Then we heard that there was another explosion, then another, then another.  I remember the news broadcaster saying "We are under attack." 

We got back to camp to meet up with the other guys.  As I remember, they were already there with the same blank looks on their faces.  "What happens now?"  "Who is attacking us?"  "What do we do?"  We kept listening to the news and each subsequent update was more horrifying than the previous. 

I ended up with a goat that day, but I can't remember when I got him.  I remember being worried about my family, being worried about my nation.  I remember breaking camp and heading back in to town.  It was clear to me that things were going to be different now....

Through this horrible nightmare, we began to band together as a nation.  Petty differences and all of the chicken shit squabbles that stand between us today were non-existent.  None of that shit mattered!  Ones race, gender, political affiliation or any of the other things that we allow to divide us today simply didn't matter then.

Look at us now...  More divided now than ever and as we usually do, we are looking for someone to blame.  We've got nobody to blame but ourselves.  Collectively, we've allowed ourselves to pick a side.  We're told on a daily basis that anyone across the aisle from you is your enemy.  We are pinning Americans against Americans.  If you were really being honest with yourself, you would notice that we have far more in common with each other than any of the political pundits would allow you to believe.  As long as were involved in a fight, we've got no time or energy to look for solutions.

Nobody I know likes being lied too, and yet we sit and allow ourselves to be lied to every day.  And if those lies are coming from someone in your party, we gladly just accept them.  We're wildly hypocritical.  Right now, some shit is happening politically, that if Obama were still in office, about half of the county would want his head on a stick.  The same can be said of when Obama was in office.  Hardly anyone seems to recognize this and it's fucking maddening!  The people that do recognize this don't belong to a specific political party but are still asked to play the game.  Talk about maddening?

Where do we go from here?  Depending on your news source or who's political bullshit you subscribe to, we're near the end.  I don't buy that shit for a second.  I think my best days as an American lie in front of me.  I know a lot of great people that are caught up in the struggle and I can only hope to open one person's eyes, but I know I can't.  Change comes from within.  If you want better, you act better.  You do better and you encourage others to do the same.

As awful as I felt after learning about 9/11, I kind of want to feel that way again.  It was nice seeing people put all of the bullshit aside, even the professional bullshitters knocked it off for a while.  I'm going to do what I can to be a decent person.  I'm going to do what I can to help others around me.  I give a shit.... do you?

"Lottery winner defecates on bosses desk"

So, I'm cruising around on social media today trying to find something to pretend to be outraged over and I come across an article that a friend of mine posted.  The headline said, "Lottery winner defecates on bosses desk".  That piqued my interest and it's just about what you think.  This old gal hits the lottery for a good amount of dough and decides "It's time to retire so I'll go shit on the bosses desk."  That's probably not logical for a lot of people, but I think I get it.

First off, nothing says you're leaving like shitting on the bosses desk.  One way or another, your ass is outta there!  Secondly, at some point, aren't you obligated to shit on the bosses desk?  Seriously... if you hit the lottery for $20 bucks, you are not going to shit on the bosses desk.  But if you hit the lottery for say, $150,000 or better, the thought has to cross your mind.

I swear to God, if I ever hit the lottery for like $1,000,000 dollars, I am going to go on a shitting rampage!   I'll shit on my own desk....  I'll shit on an ice cream truck...  I'll shit on the cat.... Hell, I'll shit on the neighbors cat and nobody is going to do a thing about it! 

Well, somebody would probably complain.  Someone might call the cops, I guess.  But wouldn't that be fun?  Getting arrested for being a mad shitter?  The cops show up in hazmat suits, rubber gloves and armed with a can of Frebreze.  "Come out with your ass up!"  You'd reply, "Never coppers!  I just ate 5 bars of Ex Lax and you'll never be able to take me in."

Now, the ball is totally in your court!  The cops would have to seriously think about taking you in.  "That's a pretty big feller there.... if he ate 2 bran muffins, a hand full of prunes, 5 bars of Ex Lax and drank a pot of coffee, I am not putting his big ass in my patrol car!  It'd be a shit-a-poluzza!  I ain't dealing with that.  They don't pay me enough money!"

Then you could bribe the cops to take you in.  "Listen up cops, if you take me in, I am going to shit all over your stupid cop car, but.... but.... I'll give you $25,000 dollars."  $25k might not be enough to get a dirty cop to bite (that is an awful term to use at this point), but if he has a sense of humor???  He might just do it!

You'd be in the news paper.  He'd be in the news paper.  Your shitty lawyer would be in the news paper.  The chief of police would have to make some kind of shitty statement on the nightly news.  The judge...  HA HA HA  This guy would lose his mind!

Judge:  Did you poop all over the place?
Me:  Yep.
Judge:  Why? 
Me:  $1,000,000 dollars.
Judge:  You pooped all over the place for a $1,000,000?
Me:  Yep.
Judge:  Well, I'm going to have to fine you and throw you in jail....
Me:  I wouldn't do that if I were you....
Judge:  Why is that?
Me:  I'm the Mad Shitter!  I'll shit in your jail.  I'll shit in the courtroom before you get me out of here.  There is liable to be shit on your desk, on your robe and your shit gavel.  You don't look like the type of guy that is amused by shit. 
Judge:  Yeah, please don't shit... please.... Can I speak to the laywer's please?
Prosecutor:  Your honor, I think he's serious.
My Lawyer:  By God, he is serious... he's the Mad Shitter.
Judge:  Now I'm afraid to even fine him.
Prosecutor:  I don't blame you, but we have to do something.
My Lawyer:  I'd be careful where you step....
Judge:  That's sound advice.  Mr. Prosecutor, can we just drop this case and pretend it didn't happen?
Prosecutor:  I think that's reasonable and responsible, your Honor.  This is the shittiest case I've ever seen.
My Lawyer:  You ain't shittin!
Judge:  Case is dismissed....

Hmmmm, I probably ought to get back to work before I fired....... or, maybe I ought to go buy some lottery tickets.