News that really doesn't matter!

"Welcome to the 307 Live at 5 News.  News that doesn't matter from across the Cowboy State.  I'm Walter Scott.  In tonight's edition, we have breaking news from Yellowstone National Park.  We'll talk with Ned Jasperson, our reporter in the park about this developing story.  As well, meteorologist Stewart Giles will be here with the weather, Coach Allen will be here with sports that aren't really sports and I'll be reporting everything else that just doesn't matter."

"Now, for this breaking story in Yellowstone, we reach out to Ned Jasperson.  Ned, what do you have?"

(Ned speaks)

"Thanks Walter....  From where we're located, some 108 cars back from the incident, there appears to be a tour bus of Chinese tourists taking photos of a chipmunk or something else of lesser importance.  With me I have tourist Oliver Sprite from Canton, Ohio.  Oliver, is this your first trip to Yellowstone?"

"Ned, this is our first trip anywhere.  I don't know what in the hell is going on."

"There you have it, Walter.  Another tourist without a clue as to what is going on.  Back to you!"

(Walter's back)

"Thanks for the provocative story, Ned.  Next we are out to Opal, Wyoming where the Union Pacific Railroad appears to be doing some track repairs.  When asked if that was indeed what they were up to, Union Pacific Railroad representative on the scene, a gentleman only known as Jones said, "Yup."

"Next, we'll be on our way to Laramie but first a word from our sponsors."

(Commercial break)

"Hi folks.  I'm Chuck from Chucks Used Wash Cloths in Rock Springs, Wyoming.  Have you ever been traveling across the interstate and realized you were experiencing a "not so fresh feeling"?  No?  We'll why not?  There's no excuse for that.  Stop in at Chucks Used Wash Cloths.  We have used, dirty ass wash cloths fresh from a tuberculosis ward in the med west that were sued to swab dying patients mouths.  Wash your face with these and you're sure to be ill within 2-3 weeks.  We're letting those babies go for $1.00 a piece of 5 for $5 dollars.  We have a brand new shipment of used wash cloths that the haz-mat teams use to clean themselves off after cleaning up meth labs.  Who knows what kind of shit you'll catch when using these!  They come in various colors as well as various contaminates and we're letting them go in a block buster deal!  $2.00 dollars for a used lunch sack full of these gems.  Impress your friends.  These make great birthday or anniversary gifts!  That is $2.00 for a used lunch sack full of contaminated haz-mat rags.  Not exactly what you are looking for?  By special demand!  We have a brand new shipment of mixed wash cloths and hand towels that are saturated with miscellaneous body fluids from HIV patients and the inmates from the penal institution in Rawlins.  No telling what those guys have, and I repeat... these items are SATURATED in various body fluids!  This is a limited time special because of the high demand.  This is your opportunity to own one of these gems, but I'm not done yet.  We are offering these at a buy 1 get 1 free opportunity!  You heard me right!  Buy 1 get one free!  Impress your friends, and remember, with each purchase by pregnant women, we are throwing in a handful of nasty paper towels infected with the Zika virus!  So, come find us in the non-descript white creeper van with California license plates parked somewhere near the Satellite Lounge!  Chucks Used Wash Cloths, we'll get your ass sick!"

"Hi.  Everyone calls me Dale.  I don't know why, because my name is Trent.  Anyways, have you ever been traveling in the car, complaining about hunger but the old man keeps driving because he wants to get where you're going at any cost?  Everyone is grumpy.  Everyone is complaining at right near the point of a collective nervous break down, the old man pulls into a fast food joint so everyone can have a burger, fries, a Coke and a smile and get off his fucking case!  You walk in, place your order, have a seat and take your first bite... then it happens.  1 baby and a couple of 3 year olds start having a break down of their own, setting your family back near the brink of a stage 1 meltdown?  Have you?  Who hasn't?  I'll walk up and punch the shit out of those babies!  Everyone has thought about it but are afraid to do it.  Not me!  I've been to jail about 93 times for punching random infants and I ain't afraid to go back.  Who needs to be jacked with when you're hungry, tired, tired of being in the car and listening to your dad or husband keep talking shit about not stopping and getting where you're going?  NOBODY!  That's who, and you don't need a crying ass kid to screw things up more.  I'll punch that crying baby, no problem.  Contact me, Trent... I mean Dale.  I may or may not be where you're located.  Just look for the homeless looking guy wearing overalls with his underwear on the outside.  Remember, this is a free service.  I'm hoping to get arrested so I can get 3 hots and a cot."

(Walter's back)

"Okay, welcome back.  I'd like to thank our sponsors for their time and dedication to their craft.  Truly services that are much needed and appreciated.  Now, out to Laramie for a special report from our residential "foodie" Ted.  Ted has been hanging around waiting for the fall semester to begin at the University in an attempt to find drunk students to take him to a shitty late night breakfast.  Ted didn't find that but he did find something interesting.  Ted, what did you find."

(Foodie Ted speaks)

"Walt, you'll have to excuse me.  I have a volatile case of food poisoning that I contracted after eating a 3 week old seafood burrito that some frat kid bought from a food truck in Cheyenne.  Seriously, Walt.  If I sneeze, I am going to prolapse.  I've been doubled up with cramps for the last several hours and I can't even keep down a sip of water.  No shit, dude.  This is serious!  I have all of the traditional signs of salmonella plus I am losing hair and have a nose bleed.  The doctors told me that if I survive, I will not be able to eat solid food for 3 more weeks, if I don't puke my brains out. Back to you!"

(Walter's back)

Ted, you're an idiot.  I hope "Dale the baby punching idiot" finds you naked and convulsing on the floor of a closed rest area bathroom and cleans you off with a Hanta virus wash cloth from that other asshole, Chuck.

Now, this just in out of Guernsey.  Nothing...  Nothing's happening in Guernsey right now but there was a Jack-a-lope sighting just north of town.  As a reminder, due to low numbers, Jack-a-lope hunting in the Guernsey area is closed but tags are available in Smoot, Granger, Dubois, Riverton and Greybull.  Successful hunters in those areas are urged to check in with local game and fish representatives and have their kills measured by the Boone and Crockett "professionals" who are not really professionals... just drunks at a bar who think they know everything.

Dr. Jim Bowles, a one time dentist in Jackson sends this out as a public service announcement.  "Don't get punched in the mouth.  It's not good."

Now, lets swing out to Elk Mountain where our meteorologist Stewart Giles is posted up just off the interstate.  Stewart, what can we expect with the forecast?

(Stewart speaks)
Well Walter, if you're going to be in or around the Hannah/Elk Mountain area you're going to be in the wind... still... just like for that last 6000 years.  I've got a little known fact about the area that some may find interesting.  The name Hannah is a Native American term that means, "the fucking wind ain't never going to quit blowing in this son-of-a-bitch, is it?"  As usual regarding the weather, they are right!  Elsewhere in the state were going to see some wind, some sun, with temperatures ranging from -50 to 80 degrees.  Snow is possible, so is rain.  If you don't like the weather, hang around for about 20 minutes and its liable to change.

Walter, we within the weather department would like to remind everyone that September is "Bad Weather Awareness Month".  With that we would like to remind dumb asses to report any bad weather conditions and if you see a tornado, drive straight into it!  Who gives a shit!  Drive straight into it and just get it over with.  End it all.  We're tired of listening to you describe what the tornado sounded like.  And while you're at it, if there is no inclement or otherwise threatening weather but you do see an electric fence, please pee on it.  If you do pee on it, it won't make you any smarter but with any luck it may remove you from the gene pool.  Back to you, Walter.

(Walter speaks)
Thank you, Stewart.  Great information.  Hope some half wits take you up on it.  Moving on, in a survey conducted on Highway 89 in the vicinity of Etna, people were asked "What would Jesus do?" 83% of those polled said, 'Carne Asada.  He's the guy with the good Carne Asada recipe."  12% said, 'Huh?' and 5% told us to fuck off.  We would like to remind everyone that this was not a scientific survey and our traditional 2% margin for error has been thrown out the window like an empty beer can on Pioneer Day Weekend.

In other news, the Jackson town council met in a closed door session with County and State officials in an attempt to address the ever present problem of affordable housing.  They laughed and laughed and laughed.  A confidential source tells us that one councilor nearly drowned when he began to laugh while taking a drink of water. The choking incident lasted nearly 5 minutes.  The source also told us that when the councilor regained his composure and wiped the snot water from his mustache, he pointed across the table towards the mayor and said, "She's funny!"  The laughing continued and the meeting was adjourned a moment later.

A concerned resident of the town of Worland complained to city officials about the smell of the area.  John Johnson has been at every town council meeting in Worland for the last 30 years complaining about the smell of the town.  A member of the council took Mr. Johnson to the barber shop and had his mustache removed.  Mysteriously, the odor and complaints quickly vanished.

In a related story, Mrs. Erma Burns who was visiting from Belle Fourche, South Dakota complained to the town council of being constipated.  The mayor told her that she was 'full of shit' and promptly sent her packing.  Upon her departure, Mrs. Burns eventually found relief in the town of Gillette and consequently, the Walmart Super Center had to be evacuated.  A source close to this situation could only gag.

With that, let's hand it over to Coach Allen for Sports.  Coach?  Are you there?  Coach?  It appears as if Coach Allen drank a bottle of aftershave after his teams big loss in Lander and he cannot be reached for comment.  Not to worry.  Its rumored that he was going to report on something called a "fart yodeling contest".

In closing, we bring you this heart warming story out of Teton County Wyoming.  With the recent spate of gluten intolerance claims in Teton County, a group of mothers involved with the local PTA have formed a gluten free awareness group called W.J.C.W.H.N.E.T.D which stands for, "Well Jesus Christ.  We have nothing else to do.".

A spokeswoman for the group says, "You know, gluten intolerance is a really big thing.  Our organization hired a doctor or some other guy who lives in a yurt in Wilson and he informed us of all of the early warning signs.  The early warning signs include whining, having a big head, having two distinguishable eye brows, being left handed, having an insatiable appetite for American cheese, having an affinity to the capital letter K, struggles with the concept of silence, has complained about another fictional affliction called "ass-mites" or thinks the color blue tastes like snow are all signs of onset juvenile gluten intolerance."

We reached out to the guy in the yurt for comment. His name is Mitch and we found him higher than a last minute plane ticket, eating something he deemed "Gluten Free Gluten' which appeared to be ground up Fruit Loops, Raisin Bran and Pepperoni Pizza.  He said, "Dude, that's the thing.  If you are eating things like Pizza or Raisin Bran and shit, you have to cook it in gluten free water taken from the Gros Ventre river and you have to cook that shit in a gluten free wok.  If you use a temperature on the Fahrenheit scale, it doesn't get rid of the gluten.  You've got to use Celsius scale because its lower numbers and somehow the shit is hotter, right?"

We immediately felt ourselves becoming dumber and then Mitch added this.  "Dude.  I get all of my gluten free cooking utensils from the Dollar Tree.  They have to be new.  You can't risk them being used to stir gluten so second hand things like a used spatula or a broken plastic spaghetti thing are just out of the question.  And by the way, all of the used plastic utensils you buy have to be black.  The white ones have gluten.  In order to get the gluten out of the white ones, you need to throw them all in a casserole dish and put them in the broiler for about 2 hours.  It causes a lot of smoke and it turns them black or at least brown.  When you see that, you can then remold the molten plastic into any shape you want and then cook with it.  Gluten free, bro... Gluten free."

As we were leaving with a mild contact high and completely full of Mitch's bullshit, we heard a car door slam outside of the yurt.  Mitch pulled back the curtain and said, "Whoa... Its Kirsten, dude.  She's one of my biggest clients and is the Vice President of WJCWHNETD.  She's here to pick up some gluten free moving boxes."

Our audio engineer started to leave but we reeled him back in and made him bear witness to what was about to happen.  Kirsten, no where near as aloof or high came in and introduced herself.  She said with a smile, "You guys must be the news guys.''  We all nodded.  She then exclaimed, "If it weren't for Mitch, all of the kids on Fall Creek Road would be dead from gluten intolerance.  He's saved like, millions of peoples lives."

Mitch quickly left the room and returned with a stack of what appeared to be card board boxes that had been saturated and then dried.  He handed them to Kirsten as a tear rolled down her cheek.  "He's doing this for the kids.  Don't you see?  He's doing it for the kids."  Mitch's hands met and he bowed to Kirsten like a monk might have done.  He walked her to her suburban assault vehicle and had to give her 20 minutes worth of instructions on how to back out of his driveway.

As he returned, you could see that he felt as if he accomplished something.  He said, "Before you leave, I want to let you know that I have a whole line of gluten free janitorial supplies and hair care products.  I also have a line of gluten free sex toys coming out in November, just in time for the holiday season."  He then winked at me and handed me a paper clip and I'm not sure why but I rest assured tonight knowing that this idiot has people fooled who are all too eager to buy into his bullshit.

Political free agent.... kind of.

I read a blog the other day that said, "The shit is about to get real" in reference to politics.  Isn't that refreshing?  After 240 years or so, the shit is going to get real, now!  That's quite possibly the dumbest God damned thing I've ever heard and I'll tell you why.

I didn't really start paying attention to politics until 2008.  It was a pivotal time in our country as we elected the first African American to be the President of this great land.  As with every President who took office before him, the President made all kinds of promises that were nothing short of utter bullshit. The bullshit comes with a side order of irrepressible ass kissing pageantry, the likes we get to endure every 4 years whether we like it or not.  It allows us the opportunity to witness idiots with over inflated egos claim that they and only they possess the skills necessary in order to turn the ship around.  They (and we, for that matter) fail to understand that the ship wouldn't need to be righted if they had a clue as to what they were doing.  Instead of being the steadfast, honorable humans they claim to be, they always prove that they are in over their heads and are bought and sold as freely as penny stocks.  The sad news is, we appear to be okay with it. I only say that because we allow it to happen time and time again,  If these people where honorable, instead of kissing babies and shaking hands, they'd cut to the chase and shake the babies and kiss more ass and just let us know that they've sold out to special interest groups.

So for this other blogger to say something as ridiculous as "the shit is about to get real", there would have to be some changes.  We've been doing this for 44 Presidential elections and are on the way towards electing the 45th President of the United States.  The only change we've seen is that the candidates seem to get more ridiculous and by most rights don't appear to be electable.  We are more than willing to elect someone with no honor, no integrity.  Recently I've heard people say that they are going to vote for someone they know is a turd, just so the other turd doesn't get that vote....  Seems reasonable...  And you wonder how the nation got in the situation its in?

If "the shit were about to get real", we'd start doing something different.  We're not doing that.  In fact, we are doing more of the same old song and dance and we sit there with our hands in the air and wonder what in the hell is going on.  The factis, nobody is paying attention to what is really going on.  The nation is too busy being locked up in an us v.s. them battle, and its exactly what the system wants.  When we are too concerned with what the other guy is doing, we allow the system to prop up politicians who've been senators and congressmen who miss 40%, 50%, 60% or more of their votes. This is supposed to be our voices being heard.  How is that representation?  Rubio, right now has missed in the neighborhood of 40% of the votes he is supposed to be there voting on.  Obama missed 64% of the votes in 2008.  John Kerry missed 89% of the votes in 2004.  John McCain missed over 80% of the votes in 2008 and he doesn't even know how many houses he has!  Am I the only person bothered by this shit? We're apparently okay with trying to elect people who can't count. If any one of us were to miss 40-80% of our work days, we'd be unemployed quick, fast and in a hurry.  Not these jack asses... Nope, they put themselves in for a raise.

Yeah, the shit is about to get real, all right.  Real dumb, and at a time where we don't need another dose of stupid.  The good news is, we apparently don't give a shit.  Americans are going to rush to the polls and vote for someone to fill most powerful position in the free world and we wouldn't trust that person to run a bake sale at a local elementary school.  Fucking brilliant....  At this point, it would be just as smart to elect a bunch of hookers and crack heads.  It's totally plausible that there are hookers and crack heads with better reputations and more dignity than today's politicians.  At the very least we'd know that we voted for and elected crack heads and prostitutes.

That brings me to this.  The Democrat Party seems to be split between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton.  Some of the crazy shit Bernie Sanders says almost seems reasonable at this point.  The shit is so crazy, so far out of line that it almost seems like the right thing to believe at least on the basis that even he believes it.  Then there's Hillary...  With her track record, how can anyone believe that she is worthy of anything more than being a writer for the National Enquirer?  Hillary, someone so far removed from the middle class has half of her party buying into the notion that she knows what you are going through.  At the same time, she is too good to poop in the same bathrooms as you and I.

On the Republican side you have Dr. Ben Carson whom I thought was the most authentic, most smart individual in the race.  What does he go an do?  He says you catch homosexuality in prison.... a God damned brain surgeon who has no clue as to how the brain works.  I'm thankful he is slipping in the polls but he still seems to be a reasonable candidate when you compare him to Cruz.  Cruz is the "true conservative".  He believes in small government, freedom and liberty for all people, unless of course you are a democrat, or gay, or female.  In that case he calls for more government to restrict liberty and freedom to anyone who doesn't feel the same way he does.  By the way, he already doesn't show up for votes about 30% or more of the time.  It just seems logical that we'd like to employ a guy who misses work 10 days out of a 30 day month.  And let us not forget the ever popular Donald Trump.  "He says whatever he wants."  "He's not establishment."  Yeah, he says whatever he wants.  Completely baseless shit like, "The President has made all of the wrong calls.  I'll make the right ones.  It's gonna be great.  Trust me.  It's gonna be great."  Republicans?  This guy is a Democrat!  He was a giant supporter of the Clinton's.  Republicans hate Democrats and hate the Clinton's more but have no problem supporting this guy?

I really don't want to bring this up because it is a more sensitive issue than politics, but I have to question everyone on the Republican side who is touting religion as their strong point.  Hell, Donald Trump has resorted to carrying and misquoting the bible in an attempt to garner the Christian vote, and it appears to be working.  How in the fuck is this working?  HOW?

Look, I don't care about your religion or lack there of.  To me, its a personal thing and who am I to stand in the way of what you want to do or believe?  As far as I am concerned, you can believe and worship whatever you want.  It's none of my business and you're guaranteed these rights in whats left of the Constitution.  But if Christianity was the only "true religion",  Why aren't good Christians like the examples we have running for office praying to Jesus for a hand?  Or if they are, why isn't God listening?  Why is it getting worse rather than better?  I know, God works in mysterious ways... or just doesn't work at all like most politicians.  God can't make this better and he can't heal an amputee.  So, for the sake of all things holy, lets take God out of the equation and try to work on the shit that we mere mortals can work on....  Oh yeah.  That takes us back to this wonderful pool of degenerates that are running for office.

This government has been run predominantly by Christians (except Obama and you've all warned us about his Islamic Jihadist ass) and even with Jesus on our side, we've amassed this giant debt.  Prayers ain't a working.  That is why if I were a Christian, I'd leave Jesus out of this.  It makes it look as if he hates us or something.  Religion is one thing and politics another.  Clearly they don't go together.  It ain't working, ya'll.  But, I bet we keep doing the same old shit in this regard as well and still expect change.  Again, were back at square one.... Who'd have thunk it?

I'm open to suggestions, people.  What are we supposed to do in order to exact change?  More Jesus?  More government?  More rules and regulations?  Or, do we actually do something knew, something different?  The problem is, I know us.  We aren't going to do anything other than sit and complain about 'the other guy' and claim that our guy is the "solution".  240 years people.  240 years.  We've been doing the same thing for 240 years and things have steadily gotten worse.

I'm asking for solutions because I am not smart enough to figure this thing out.  I will tell you what I am going to do.  Whether it be right or wrong, I am taking a new approach.  I'm not voting.  In my opinion, if you rush out to the polls and vote, you are saying that you are okay with a system that you fully admit that is broken and no longer works.  To me, the proof is in the pudding.  We keep electing the same caliber of people, the same professional career politicians and we wonder why shit isn't changing.  By voting for these turds, we are assuring that nothing will get accomplished and we are going to be playing the same game.

I'm only going to stay "involved" by calling out the liars and the bullshit when I see it.  I'm going to call out government agencies like the EPA for their debacles (think mine waste spill they caused that polluted the Arkansas river) and ask why nothing is being done.  Had you or I done the same thing, we'd be imprisoned and fined beyond what we thought was even possible.  I'm going to ask for accountability but I know you can't ask for accountability from people who aren't capable of owning up to the things they've done or haven't done.

I've "been involved" in this pageantry for nearly 30 years, doing the same thing over and over 'because its my duty".  I refuse to contribute to this dysfunction and then complain about it.  I find it hypocritical and I'll save being a hypocrite for other occasions.  We're at a point now where we are so divided as a country and the media does a great job keeping us engaged with this fight and the God damned Kardashians rather than giving us the truth or at least a level of semi-honest objectivity that we deserve.  By the way, why aren't we demanding that?  Why are we not demanding that news be less about entertainment and arguing and more about the truth and objectivity?

We can do better, but we have to change and we have to demand change.  The system, in my opinion, is too big and too controlling by people other than ourselves.  Until we get that back, we can expect more of the same.  We're used to being lied too.  We're used to being taken advantage of.  We're used to the government/system getting its way and its not going to change until WE change it.  We can't keep looking to the same crooked people and expect change but we've bought into that notion.  We've bought into the idea that this is the only way out and in reality, its the only way in.

Politics reminds me of something I did when I was a little kid.  I'll preface this by saying that I have always been a hard learner, but I think this story is fitting.  I was about 6 years old and my mother had to leave town for a couple of days and employed my cousin to watch over us.  I had 2 light bulbs in the lighting fixture in my bedroom and both were burnt out.  I decided that this was an opportune moment to learn how to change a light bulb, so I stacked my clothes hamper upon my bed and climbed atop said hamper in order to be able to reach the light fixture.

I quickly figured out how to loosen the nut that held the glass globe in place and removed the globe.  I reached back up and removed one bulb, then the next.  Apparently I had been out of my cousins view just long enough that he thought he'd better see what I was up to.  He came in my room as I was balanced on my hamper and asked, "What are you doing?"  I told him I was changing the light bulbs and must have been convincing enough to make him believe I was operating within reasonable parameters.  He asked if I knew where the replacement bulbs were and I told him I did.  Before exiting the room, he said "Don't stick your finger in the light socket" and he turned and left.

So there I stand, on a clothes hamper stacked up on the corner of by bed... staring at the light socket.  I remember thinking, "why would he say some shit like that?"  In retrospect, I was given enough information in order to assume that sticking my finger in the light socket was going to be a bad idea, but I didn't have the ability to listen to responsible information and I jammed my finger into the light socket.

The next thing I remember was my body being parallel to the floor about 6 feet in the air.  I plummeted towards the hamper which was now on its side, on the corner of the bed.  I landed on it with my rib cage and broke the wicker piece of shit into about 30 pieces and the recoil of the bounce sent me head first into my dresser.  It must have been quite the commotion because my cousin showed up just about the time my body came to rest between the foot of the bed and the dresser.  I was literally too shocked to cry.  I had a knot on my head from the dresser impact, my finger felt like it was about 3 feet in circumference and a quarter inch long and oddly it felt like a grew a mustache and all of my teeth were loose.

I'm sitting there, shaking like a dog shitting a peach seed and my cousin says, "You stuck your finger in the light socket, didn't you?"  Instead of answering him with a casual yes, I must have said something smart-assed because I was promptly issued an asswhipping!

That is politics and that is voting.  Now I consider myself a political free agent and my wife feels it necessary to give me instructions on difficult matters like when to raise and lower the toilet seat.  Perhaps that is the residual effects of voting... I mean, sticking your finger in a light socket.

"Here's to your health...."

We're kind of a fickle lot when it comes to our health.  There are so many people who are doing so many things and each swears that what they are doing is the best.  The vitamin and supplement industry is a $37 billion dollar a year cash cow, and that heifer gets a little bigger every year.

 We seem to want that quick fix.  We want that magic pill or powder that is going to just melt the weight off of our carcasses.  No doubt that has a big something to do with the $37 billion dollar pig.  Everyone involved in this quagmire of "health" claims their product or program is the best.  Each outfit has testimonial after testimonial praising the product and the changes "it" made in their life.

What's funny to me is, these people who are representing a product or a specific program often forget to bring up the fact that they also made some pretty significant lifestyle changes.  These people also began to watch their diet and exercise.  Diet and exercise alone is the key to losing weight.  The more weight you lose, the better you feel.

Recently I bought into the old school method of "getting fit".  Actually, I am working out in order to get in shape to work out.  This might take a while, however.  About 9 years ago, I managed to lose 60 lbs. by going old school.  I hit the gym every day, lifted weights, did up to an hour or so on the bike or treadmill and ate rabbit food for about 5 months.  It sucked but it worked.

I've been doing a bunch of research on diets and what our diets should consist of.  More and more people are pushing more vegetables and less meat, so I gave that some thought.  I thought about starting a vegan diet.  No I fucking didn't... who am I fooling?  I've got teeth that are made to devour meat.  I was raised on meat and potatoes.  I'm not giving up meat.  Along with the vegan approach, I thought about the vegetarian approach.  With that, I couldn't bring myself to the reality that no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how many times I said it, I could not make bacon a vegetable.  I can't. I did mange to lose myself in thought for a minute when I thought of bacon flavored sunflower seeds. (If that shit ain't real, someone pick it up.  That is a winner all day and I only want in for 5%.)

I sat there and pondered.  "I've done Atkins and I quit losing weight.  I've done intermittent fasting and I quit losing weight.  I thought of vegan diets and vegetarian diets and laughed my ass silly."  What was I going to do?

Gluten Free, Bitches!!!

I started my gluten free diet 7.5 hours ago and can already feel the benefits!  I'm not shitting, either!  I got up this morning and had about 12 ounces of gluten free water.  After that, I made myself the obligatory cup of coffee but this time I used 'gluten free" water and "gluten free" coffee and it was delicious!  I kept thinking to myself, "this is a life changing event".  Who knows how much weight I will lose and how much better I will feel.  As it turns out, I would feel that good about things for about the duration of my commute.

I stopped into a place (which will remain nameless) for a quick breakfast.  I ordered the "gluten free" pancake breakfast and stepped away from the counter.  I watched the cook prepare this bit of wonderment that I was just dying to get into my gluten free mouth.  I was shaking with anticipation or my blood sugar dropped.  I'm not for sure which.

The girl behind the counter called the guys name standing next to me.  I watched him grab his gluten free breakfast and admired and appreciated the look on his face.  Like me, he was doing the right thing and he knew it.  Good on you, sir... whoever you were.

A couple more people were called to the counter before I was, each with that special look.  I'll call it a glow for this story.  These people walked by and had immediately transformed into little rays of sunshine and I couldn't wait for mine.

Finally, it happened.  My name was called.  The lady handed me a gluten free styro-foam container filled with gluten free goodness.  I walked to the Jeep and I realized just holding the box of "gluten free' sustenance made me feel better.  I sat down and unwrapped the gluten free plastic fork and then opened the gluten free styro-foam container.  This was excitement like I have never known!   My stomach growled in anticipation....

The first bite triggers my gag reflex and I subsequently puked all over the interior of the Jeep.  You see, "gluten free" pancakes is lettuce.  Fucking lettuce, and not even the good kind!  I walked back into the place for an explanation.  Apparently when something is certified organic and gluten free, you can't use chemical fertilizers, so you have to look around for manure.  And then, you have to find a cow that was on a gluten free diet or some shit... the girl began to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.  It's not what I was hearing.  It was how she was talking.  "Well, in order to waa waaaawa waa, waaaaa wawa wa wa waaawa wa."  She was probably anemic or let down because she had the shitty pancakes too.

I couldn't help but think about it all.  Turns out that I do live a pretty gluten free lifestyle.  I think my pants are gluten free.  I'm pretty sure my Jeep is gluten free.  The dogs are probably not gluten free and I don't give a shit about the cat.  Screw you, cat.  I know I have at least one gluten free shotgun, rifle and pistol that I love feeding gluten free ammo through.  I eat gluten free beef.  Breathe gluten free air.  I just now got a case of the gluten free hick-ups.  I used to play gluten free baseball.    I managed to marry a girl who was NOTgluten free, but she does eat low carb from time to time.  I'm keeping her.

When it comes right down to it, the only thing that sucks about being gluten free is... well.... being gluten free.

 

How I grew up.....

If you were raised the way I was, you were raised around guns.  Guns were part of our families history.  Family traditions like an annual deer hunt or opening day of dove season were something that we all looked forward to.  We often shared these experiences with other families who had the same interests.  Guns were part of who we are and what we do and I've always been proud of that.

My dad was a competitive shooter, recreational shooter, hunter, gun collector as well as a gun smith.  At any given time you walked into my dad's shop, there would be a shotgun or rifle in the vise being worked on.  You probably see 2 loading presses set up, bags of buck shot, wads and empty shells.  Even with this ever presence of guns, guns were no big deal to me.

Being raised around guns, you have a better understanding of what guns are, what they can do and how they operate.  You are taught gun handling skills from the very beginning.  You were drilled on gun handling rules.  You were drilled on your responsibilities and obligations when you had a gun in your hand.  Everything around guns was about safety first.  All of this was what you discussed every single time you were going to have a gun in your hand.  You had to know these rules and be able to exhibit safe gun handling skills.

Every one of my buddies that I have been hunting with received the same education.  They listened to the same speeches, went over the same drills, and had to exhibit the same safety standards.  There are no exemptions.  And if you ever found yourself in the presence of someone who wasn't being safe with a gun, you left the area immediately.  Following these rules are the reason we are all still here today!  It's not a mystery.  It isn't by chance.  It's safety, every single time you are around guns.

Between me and everyone I have ever hunted with or shot with, there would have to be tens of thousands of opportunities for the potential of something going wrong.  There were tens of thousands of times triggers were pulled, shots rang out and not 1 individual was hurt or killed.  There were tens of thousands of safe gun transports to and from the field or the shooting range.  There were thousands of times a buddy got a new gun and let you check it out and in the end, nobody ever got hurt.  This is a testament to safe gun handling being taught from generation to generation and it is the responsible thing to do.  This was how I was raised.

If you were raised the way I was, you were raised to be respectful of everyone and every thing.  You were taught to take responsibility for the things you did.  You were taught manners.  You were taught to brush your teeth.  You were taught to clean up after yourself.  You were taught to give a good handshake and look a person in the eye.  You were taught everything almost everyone else was ever taught plus you were taught to live around guns.  It's no big deal.  It's how we live.

Life is about having fun....

I've had this particular phone number for 5-6 years now.  Ever since getting this number, I've been getting calls for some dude named Jeremiah.  Sometimes it's a friend of his trying to get in contact and other times its regarding personal business.  Every time this happens, I politely tell them that this is my number and that they will no longer be able to contact Jeremiah using this number.  I got another call for Jeremiah today and I decided to handle it differently.


The phone rings and I answer it on the blue tooth:
(Me) Hello?
(caller) Jeremiah?
(Me) Yeah, who is this?
(caller)  This is Darrell Webster and I am an agent with ****** Collection Agency.  How are you today?
(Me)  I'm great Donald!  Thank you so much for calling.  I've been meaning to get in touch.
(caller)  It's Darrell, Jeremiah, and I would be glad to help you out clear up this debt.
(Me)  I really appreciate that, David.
(caller) It's Darrell....
(Me)  That's right. I'm sorry about that.  Talking about my debt makes me nervous.  Do things like that make you nervous, Dietrich?
(caller)  (Sigh.....) No they don't make me nervous.  I do all I can to stay current on my bills.  Anyways, you have an outstanding balance of $692.49 and I'd like to know how you would like to clear that up today?
(Me)  $692, eh?  That's not outstanding, it's horrible.  If you don't mind me asking, what do you find outstanding about that?
(caller)  What?
(Me)  You said I have an outstanding balance.  Outstanding means good and then you tell me it's $700 bucks or something.  That's a lot of cabbage.  I don't have $700 dollars.
(caller)  Outstanding... a debt... Forget it.... You apparently had some x-rays done in July of 2014 by a medical imaging company and you never paid the bill.  We re now trying to collect these funds.
(Me) Oh, Oh!  The other outstanding. I gotcha.  I kind of wish it was the 'outstanding' I thought it was.
(caller)  Right.  Well, any matter, you do have this debt and we need to discuss your options for paying this debt off .  This type of debt can and will affect your credit rating.  I'd like to help you get out from under this debt.. So, do you have a credit card we can put this on?
(Me)  Wait a second.  You told me you were going to help me get out from under debt and now you're asking me to accrue some debt by using my nearly maxed out credit card.  I think that is a horrible idea and frankly, I'm offended by that suggestion!  Completely irresponsible!
(caller)  What about your bank account, sir?  Do you have a debit card?  Do you want to set up a payment plan?  How much can you put down towards this debt and what can you afford to pay per month in order to get rid of the debt?
(Me)  Okay.  I understand, Dante.  Sorry.  I'm driving, drinking coffee and talking to you.  A lot on my plate this morning.  So, here is the problem.  I can't afford to put any money down, nor can I afford a monthly payment.  If I could, I would have paid the son-of-a-bitch off when I got the bill.  Doesn't that make sense to you?
(Caller)  (I can tell from the tone of his sigh that he has had about enough of me.)  Jeremiah!  You're running out of options real fast and you are wearing on my patience.
(Me) Wearing on your patience?  You called me and started begging for money... Sheesh!
(Caller)  Jeremiah!  Do you still work for the concrete company in Lincoln county?
(Me)  I'm not sure I can give you that information, and please don't ask for my social security number.  This phone call sounds like a crank call.
(Caller)  I've got your social number here.  It was gathered in the information you gave back in 2014 when you went and got those x-rays, remember?
(Me)  I didn't have any x-rays on 2014, Donny.
(caller) God damn it!  You did and you accounted for it earlier in our conversation!  You went to the hospital and needed x-rays.  You never payed that portion of the bill and I need you to pay up or I will garnish your wages.  Does this sound like a crank call now?
(Me) Lord no.  It sounds like you are getting upset with me and all I want to do is make this right.  Now, what did we discuss as options?
(caller)  At this point in time, we are going to be in contact with the Lincoln County Sheriff's Office and gather all of the information we need on you.  We are going to have your wages garnished and we are going to put a lien on your vehicles.  I tried to cooperate with you Mr. Allen, but you'd have nothing of it.
(Me)  Mr. Allen?  Whose that, your boss?
(caller) No, god damn it!  Its you!  You're Jeremiah Allen!
(Me)  No I'm not.
(caller) (This guy is livid!!!!)  You are Jeremiah god damned Allen and you owe Oasis Collection Agency $692.49 and we will just have to go about it the hard way!!!
(Me)  Drummond?  My name is Brice, man.  I have no idea why you are calling me Jeremiah and making these horrible accusations and threats, but I am sorry if I've offended you.
(caller)  Wait a minute.  You answered to the name Jeremiah  5 or 6 times during our conversation.  I called you Jeremiah Allen and you answered.
(Me) (I cut him off before he could speak.)  Well, yeah.  I called you Donny, Dante and some other shit and you answered to that.  I thought we were playing a joke on each other?
(Caller)  You mother fucker.... (click.  phone goes silent)

This whole thing only took a couple of minutes.  Man was I pleased with the way it all turned out.  I knew this would set the tone for the rest of the day.  It did, beautifully.

"Hello, my name is Stanley...."

Do you ever got those phone calls from a guy in India or Pakistan who tells you there is something wrong with your computer and he is the guy that can fix it?  We get them all of the time at our ranch and the wife and I have taken it upon ourselves to make these calls as entertaining as possible, at least for us.  It's like a competition and you only win if you can get the only guy in Pakistan  to tell you to "Go fuck yourself".  It's pretty rewarding.  You should give it a shot!

Yesterday afternoon, "Stanley" called me and told me that he was from Windows and they "detected a problem with my home computer's Window operating system."  I politely said, "Stanley, I don't have a home computer but I do have a small computer in my shoe.  Could it be that system?"  He confirms this possibility by saying, 'Yes, if it has Windows installed."  I thanked "Stanley" for calling and told him "This problem sounds urgent. Let me take my shoe off and we will get to the problem at once."

I pause for a second and tell him that I had my shoe off and the computer was in front of me.  He says, "I need your to turn your computer on...."  and I stop him in his tracks.  "I'll have to go get a pair of pliers, a wooden spoon and some talcum powder."  This throws him off track.  "No, no, no.  You don't need pliers.  What do you need pliers for?"  I said, "Didn't you ask me to wash my computer?" 

I thought I lost him at this point but he said, "Wash your computer?  No, no, no.  We are going to fix your computer."  I said, "Ah ha!  So when we fix my computer will my car's air conditioning work again?''  Silence....  I said, "Stanley?  Are you there?"  Still no answer but I could hear other jack asses in the background on the phone with other jack asses, so I held out hope.

Stanley comes back with, "Have you started your computer yet?"  I said, "It won't start up.  The air conditioning is broken in my car."  Silence again.  Then in a bit of a perturbed voice he said, "What does air conditioning have to do with your computer?"  Knowing that I was close to losing this guy I said, "Well, if I am going to fix this computer, I have to do it in an air conditioned phone booth while I am washing my cat.  Do you ever wash you're cat, Stanley?" 

He's livid.  "I need you to start you're computer, right now!"  I calmly said, "Stanley, all you had to do was ask.  There's no need to be angry.  I am still trying to figure out why you asked me to bake a plum pie?"  Consequently, Stanley loses his shit at this point.

"God damn it!  I am trying to fix your computer and you talk about spoons, washing a cat and baking a pie!  Do you want your god damned computer fixed or not?"  I apologize and say, "Yes Stanley, I want my computer fixed.  Do you know Soupy Sales, and what do I need to do first?"  Unfortunately, he didn't address the "Soupy Sales" question which I thought was hysterical.  In a slightly more calm voice he says, "Is your computer turned on" to which I replied "No, its not even plugged in."  Again, calmly he says, "Plug the computer in and press the power button.  It may take a minute for the computer to start."  I say, "Okay, it's plugged in and it appears to be starting.  The little thing is going in circles on the monitor." 

I can still hear the back ground noise and it sounds like he is talking to someone else with his hand over the mouth piece he was talking into.  "Ma'am" I say and start to laugh.  No answer.  "Excuse me ma'am.  I need your full attention at this time."  He comes back and asks if the computer was running.  I told him it was almost ready and said, "So your name is Stanley?"  Before he could answer I added, "My neighbor is named Stan.  I think he is from New Mexico or Texas or some shit.  That seems like a pretty normal name for a guy from Texas, but I've got the feeling that you are not from the U.S."  This guy loses his shit this time, for real!

"God damn you!  How fucking stupid are you?  I ask you to start your computer and you cannot do that.  You talk about everything but computer.  You think I have time for this bullshit?"  He's pissed and he's not done cussing me out yet but I get him to stop for a second by saying, "Stanley, Stanley, Stanley."  He screams, "What?"  I remain silent for about 10 seconds just to add a little more drama to the over heated situation.  "Stanley" I ask in a very calm voice.  "If you can help me with my computer problem, I would like to help you complete a do it yourself home improvement project or adopt a new pet."  All he said was, "God!  Fuck!" and hung up on me.

I can't wait for my next call.  I'll be interested in hearing how dear old Stanley is doing and perhaps make a new friend.

"Urgency"

If I can, I'd like to take a minute and talk about urgency.  Urgency is another one of those words that gets misused.  The meaning of the word is somewhat convoluted these days.  For instance, the other day my son texted me and said "Urgent, get back to me when you can."  As soon as I get the text I am thinking, "what in the hell went wrong now?".  The kid has been out of the house and in a college dorm across the state and has managed to break his glasses and his arm in the first 2 days, so his text did seem somewhat "urgent".

So I text him back right when I got the message.  "What's wrong now?"  Honestly, with this kid I don't know what to expect.  I think I know him pretty well, but he isn't off to an effortless start in Laramie.  He writes back, "Can I use the debit card to order food?"  That's urgent?  The kid has the school meal plan, his momma sent him to school with half a dozen gift cards and he wants to know if you can use the debit card for food and is calling that urgent?

I hope to high hell this college education thing works out and he at least learns the meaning of urgent.  It'll probably be a bit of a rip for the amount of money we are spending but he has to come away with at least that.

Anyhow, on to something that is a little "urgent".  I pull into my coffee stop to grab a cup of mud and realize that I have to make a pit stop.  I walk into the bathroom and step up to the urinal to take care of business and all of a sudden, the bathroom door nearly explodes behind me!

In shuffles this guy, half stooped over, holding his guts and he says, "God, please don't let me shit my pants now."  That's urgent!  Urgency made this guy pray out loud about not shitting his pants and he did that in the face of a complete stranger!  Well, me being me, I laughed my ass off.  However, the context of what he said got me thinking.  Perhaps over thinking....

"God" in the expression used means he was urgently requesting that the holiest of holy start paying attention right this second.  "....please don't let me shit my pants now" means he somehow determined that there is a better time to shit his pants!  (And a bit selfish if you ask me.)

I'm not so sure I understand that.  The urgency I understand, but the message could be a little confusing if God were working on something like world hunger.  Old Bob shitting his pants after a bad breakfast burrito is pretty inconsequential.

And really, if you just have to shit your pants, why not do it in a place where there is a modicum of anonymity, a place to clean up plus a handy receptacle for disposing of ones soiled knickers?

If you ask me, Old Bob got the whole thing wrong.  Everything sounded synched, linked and ready to stink.  Shit your britches, Bob.  maybe you find it a bit nostalgic.  Who knows, but you probably ought to leave God out of your shitty pants.