"The Jack-Mormon 500!"

Ladies and Gentleman,

"That was our National Anthem, performed by the Smoot Shiny Kazoo Quartet and brought to you by a half smoked pack of Camel lights!  Thanks for tuning into the Western Wyoming Sports Channel.  My name is Rip Biffler and I'll be calling the race today with my good friend, color commentator and part time Teton County School District Janitor, Chip Randy!"

Chip:  "Thanks Rip, and as usual, I am glad to be here on this beautiful, February morning! I am super excited for what should turn out to be a good race!"

Rip:  "This is indeed a great morning for the daily race from Star Valley Wyoming into Jackson's Hole.  Listen, before we get into today's race line up, we have our man on the track, Lincoln County's own unofficial representative from the DOT, Ed.  Hey Ed, can you give us an update on the track conditions today?"

Ed:  "Yep....."

Rip:  "Ed, are you still with us?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Are you going to give us an update on the track conditions?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Go ahead, Ed... we don't have all day..."

Ed:  "Well, its kind of the same thing every day.  Probably some ice in a few spots.  Pot holes are starting to hatch.  Plenty of gravel on the roads to break some windshields.  Probably some elk and or deer available to ruin a few front ends.  The High Way Patrol hasn't been out too much lately, so I expect to see some really shitty driving!"

Rip:  "Thanks Ed.  So Chip, let me ask you a question as a daily racer.  What do you expect to see today?

Chip:  "Well Rip, it's a packed field today with all of the usual suspects.  I expect the Evan's Construction Chevy Pick up truck to make a few aggressive passes just after Alpine Junction to take the early lead headed into the canyon.  I suspect the white late model Toyota 4 Runner to be up to his usual tricks, tail gating, running with his high beams on the entire distance and passing in every no passing zone.  As Ed said, the track is in its usual shape for this time of year so who knows what kind of bullshit high jinx we are in for."

Rip:  "Let's not forget the old white 4 door sedan driven by the lady who has too many dogs!  She is in the mix up every day, Chip.  She hasn't a clue as to what she is doing on the road.  I've never seen such a clueless shitbag trying to drive and feed her 11 dogs a half of a bologna sandwich but she is out there, every day causing grief and dissention.  Let's also not forget the Teton Motors Loaner car.  It's on the track nearly every day driven by a different driver!  You're never quite for sure what kind of a junk show you will run into there!"

Chip:  "Valid point about the dog lady!  She feeds the dogs a sandwich, smokes a cigarette and almost always throws the butt into the back seat and starts some kind of a dumpster fire.  Not sure how she keeps that equipment on the track."

Rip:  "From the looks of her quarter panels, Chip... she doesn't do too good of a job."

Chip: "Touche` my good man!  Touche`!  Well Rip, it looks like we are about ready to race!"

Rip:  "As you know Chip, the field is at least 1,000 drivers strong, so we wont be able to actually name them all but we will do our best to get to the best of them, but first... a word from our sponsor.

EVERY DAY IS RACE DAY, HERE AT KJ'S.  WE'LL SELL YOU SOME DIESEL... WE'LL SELL YOU SOME GAS....  WE'LL SELL YOU SOME PIZZA, CHIPS, A HOT SANDWICH AND SOME CBD GUMMIES!!!  STOP ON IN FOR A COUPLE OF CANS OF 4 LOCO AND SOME FIREWORKS AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE OUR FULL SERVICE SHITTER!  RACE DAY AT KJ'S!!!  GET YOU SOME, BITCH!

Rip:  "Thanks to the good folks over at KJ's.  Have you ever tried their coffee?  It's loaded with caffeine and will have you shaking like a cat shitting a peach seed.  Get you a cup before heading up the canyon!  Now, its time for the daily line up.....  Starting in the #1 and #2 positions are the plow trucks.  In the #3 position we have the 35mph Toyota pick up guy.  In the #4 position we have old Ford truck guy who probably needs some kind of a carb adjustment... smells like he is running a little rich every day.  In the #5 position we have the guy who drives the length of the canyon with his blinker on.  In the #6 position we have the lady who used to work at the Dollar Tree.  In the #7 position we have the guy driving the cement pump truck.  In the #8 position we have the Jenkins Lumber delivery truck.  From there back a couple of positions we have a few yahoos, idiots and assholes.  Back in the #25 spot we have the guy who hits his brakes way too often, for no good god damned reason at all followed by the old black dodge flat bed pick up truck.  He'll be followed by some more idiots including the lady with too many dogs, the Century Link truck and the Dudley's.

Chip:  Rip, if I an interrupt for a minute.  The Dudley's are driving the little car today.  It gets better gas mileage and that will allow them to stop in at Hoback Junction so Mr. Dudley can get a can of chew.  Nice little car, I believe its a foreign job and probably gets 30 miles per gallon or so, fully equipped with a tiny 4 cylinder motor and a fucking thing that beeps every time they get too close to the center line.  Totally aggravating when you're behind the wheel!  If Brice is driving today, he will for sure be getting an ear full from the beeper and the misses.... Good luck to them!

Rip:  Great point, Chip.  That beeping thing is aggravating!  You can almost hear the F-Bombs flying out the drivers side window.  The word is, that little car does have seat heaters though and it keeps everyone's ass warm on these cold mornings.  Maybe that will be helpful this morning.

Chip:  Rip, who else do we have in the line up?

Rip:  From this point on Chip, it's a hodge podge mixture of the usual suspects.  Carpenters, teachers, plumbers, HVAC guys, the dude who used to play guitar on the town square that used sticks to dig coins out from between the cracks in the boardwalks during the summer time, a few cops and Teton County Sheriff Deputies will be in the mix, the High Country Linens box truck and the one guy who missed the turn to Idaho Falls!  It's going to be another exciting day of racing, Chip and we are moments away from the starting flag!

Chip:  This is just in, Rip.  Summer residents Tim and Judy Sharp from Valdosta, Florida are in town today but will not be racing.  It appears as if the Sharps either have the Corona virus or got food poisoning from some truck stop sushi in Rock Springs yesterday.  Both folks have a fever, the chills and hostile diarrhea.  Nobody in Lincoln county knows what the Corona virus really is and frankly, nobody gives a shit either.  We all know we don't want it, so keep your asses on lock down, Tim and Judy!

Rip:  Ive just been told that they waved the flag 3 minutes ago when the Evans Construction guy came flying out Star Valley Ranch to take the lead!  He's being followed by the guy who used to stutter that worked at the movie theater!

Chip:  That guy is cool.  Gave me free popcorn once.  He also told me that they used only real sea salt on their popcorn.

Rip:  That's probably why its so addicting!  I always get that big ass bucket of popcorn, myself.

Chip:  Heavy on the butter?

Rip:  I drink that fake butter, Chip.  My colon is cleaner than the Bishops driving record!  It's something else!

Chip:  Well, I'll have to take your word on that.  I will not be doing any kind of an investigation.

Rip:  I appreciate that, Chip.  Hey!  Don't look now but the Pocatello Sod truck just turned into the canyon from the junction!  He's empty.... what in the hell is he doing here this time of year?

Chip:  Great pass move around the 35 mile per hour Toyota truck guy!  of course everyone will be passing that idiot!  But behind him is the guy in the green Subaru with the broken tail light!  He's been racing up the canyon for the last 3 years and has somehow managed to not get popped for that tail light!  That's one of the better stories happening here today, Rip!

Rip:  I agree.  I think I once got a ticket from the highway patrol because I thought I had a broken tail light.  Those troopers are something else, Chip.  Sneaky bastards, using the pull outs as places to hide. 

Chip:  They are... They are...  Rip, it looks like the guy who used to work for the Chamber of Commerce down in Kemmerer is making a few aggressive passes in a no passing zone.  He's not a regular driver but I'd guess his coffee and bran muffin are starting to do their job and he is looking for a little relief!

Rip:  He'll play hell looking for relief there, as he just passed the Wolf Creek Camp Ground!

Chip:  I think you're right, Rip.  The good news is, he has that 87 Jeep Cherokee with the broken ski rack running in top condition.  He'll need that in order to come into Hoback Junction and claim a stall in the Hoback Market bathroom!

Rip:  We now have them running 3 wide at the blue Cliffs!

Chip:  3 wide with the white 4 runner guy trying to take the inside lane!

Rip:  How is he managing to do that there on this track today?

Chip:  I think he is going to try to take advantage of the upcoming potholes at Taco Hole, Rip.  If he plans this right, he can force the rusty 2 door sedan to back off a little and then overtake the guy from the auto parts store on the straight away!

Rip:  Fantastic bullshit driving today so far, Chip!  I've never seen such bullshit!

Chip:  Oh, you need to move down to Alpine, Rip.  Living in that east Jackson condo with 7 room mates has spoiled you on the commute.  What do you guys pay for rent over there, Rip?

Rip:  Each one of us pays $1600 a month and its a bonus for me because I get to sleep in the broken shower stall.  Beats that commute anyday!  This just in... it appears as if there is some kind of quagmire near the Elbow.  Lets go live to Ed at the elbow.  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Yep....

Rip:  What can you tell us about the quagmire, Ed?

Ed: ..........

Rip:  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Huh?

Rip:  Are you there at the Elbow?  What's going on?

Ed:  I found a bag of Wendy's trash at the side of the road.  I think everyone thought it was one of those big ass snow clods off of a semi.  Turns out, there is a half eaten chicken nugget in there that looks pretty good.  It does have some ketchup on it and I am kind of impartial to ketchup.

Rip:  Is it really affecting the traffic?

Ed:  The ketchup?

Rip:  No, you fucking idiot!  The trash in the road.

Ed:  Oh, no.  I don't think so.  That was probably me.  I was standing in the road looking for a couple of fries to go with my half eaten chicken nugget.

Rip:  Jesus Christ, Ed.  No wonder why road rage is on the rise!

Chip:  Wendy's isn't an official sponsor.  We probably shouldn't mention their name.

Rip:  I'm good with that.  Can we not mention Ed either?  He must have gotten into the leaded paint chips as a kid, I'd guess.

Chip:  I don't know anything about that, but I do know that Ed was once married to his mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles next door neighbors sisters, brother.... Yeah, I think I got that right.

Rip:  Speaking of sponsors, Chip... I think we need to mention the guy who makes all of the shitty re-tread tires that come apart in the canyon all year long!  He sucks!  And to the guys who keep pissing in milk jugs and throwing them out along the road, nice work!  Nothing like jugs of rancid piss!

Chip:  Well, Rip, its been an exciting race day so far.  Nobody is in the ditch yet.  Most of the commute is over for most people and at least half of the drivers have already punched the time clock at their respective jobs!

Rip:  That's another good point, Chip!  With the roads as dry as they are, speeds are up over the posted limit with the exception of 35 mph guy who just got into the canyon.  Everyone else is working diligently at their respective jobs.  Not that guy, though.

Rip:  Chip, I can't thank you enough for the color commentary.  Your professionalism and knowledge are unsurpassed.  It's always a privilege!

Chip"  Rip, thank you.

Rip:  This concludes our coverage of today's Jack Mormon 500.  We'd like to thank our sponsors... half pack of Camel lights, some jugs of piss, the empty Wendys bag and KJS.  Rip Biffler, signing off from the Teton County Transfer Station.   Thanks for driving like shit!

Holiday Spirit!!!

So, I'm sitting at work today and realize that I am out of coffee.  As slow and as cold as its been, coffee was going to be a necessity, so I make my happy way on down to the grocery store.

Other than my feet being cold and being out of coffee, my day is going along perfectly!  Not sure I could be a whole lot happier, and at this time, all I want is stuff to make coffee at work.  Nothing else.  I find a spot in the parking lot, put the car in park and reply to a text that a friend sent me.

Another car pulls up alongside of me.  I notice a younger couple hopping out of the car, and the lady who was riding in the passenger side of the vehicle has her face all messed up and she is staring at me like I just tracked cow shit across her new Persian rug.  Big deal, I think to myself and get back to replying to the text.

Just as I shut the truck off, there is a knock on the window.  It's the lady.  The one with the messed up face.  (I'll add that she looks like she smells like pee.)  I roll the window down to find out what's up and before I can say a single word she says in an angry tone, "We don't sit and let our cars idle here in Jackson." 

Now, me being me, I knew where I was going to take this.  When opportunity knocks, you have to take full advantage.  I replied in my kindest voice, "Oh gee, I'm sorry.  I pulled into this spot about 20 seconds before you pulled in and I was responding to a text.  I normally don't make a habit of just sitting around and letting my truck run."

She adds, "We are concerned about the environment.  People like you drive these big ass trucks that suck down so much gas, throw out so much carbon and other pollution.  It's just irresponsible and I wish people like you would be more responsible."

I hop out of the vehicle because I was going to make my way into the store.  The young gentleman said, "Heather, come on.  He doesn't get it.''  She was getting ready to chime in with some more useless gibberish but I cut her and him off at the pass.  "No, no.  I totally get it, and who wouldn't be worried about the environment.  Me, sitting there idling, texting a friend and wasting gas is something that I should not be doing.  It's irresponsible.  Again, I'm sorry."

The girl responds, "Do you even live here?"  I said yes and added, "for longer than you've been alive."  Her response was, "Then how can you just sit there and let your truck idle?"  Her body language made me believe that she was going to sit and continue making her point, even though I didn't give a shit about her, her point, the fact that she looked like she smelled like piss and her boyfriend was wearing pajamas. 

I asked, "Do you actually live here?  Do you actually have a job?"  Now, her skinny assed, pajama wearing boyfriend starts to make his way towards me and his darling little princess.  "I do live here.  I do have a job, but what I do is none of your business."  I nodded and said, "This is an interesting conversation.  You think its none of my business what you do but at the same time, you think its your business to tell me how to conduct my own business?"  She emphatically nodded and said, "Yeah.  You just can't do stupid shit like that."

I grinned.  Some of my friends would have recognized this as me getting ready to lose my shit, stomp the shit out of both of them and then look for a spot for the bodies.  Instead, I said...  "Do you know what?  You're right.  It was stupid and again I apologize.  I can see that this really has you worked up and today of all days is not a day to be all worked up.  This is a day to be grateful and thankful and I also believe that under different circumstances, you and I would probably enjoy each other's company."

Now, she's dumbfounded.  She thought she was going to get a fight out of me.  She was most definitely in the market for one, but my apology must have sounded so sincere.  The look on her face changed.  Her body language changed and she seemed to relax a little bit.  I added, "I have to make my way into the store and grab a few things so I can get back to work, but I want to ask you another question or two before I go.  Is that okay?"

She nodded and said "Yeah, please.  Ask me a question."  I said, "So, you live here and work here, correct?''  She answered yes.  I then asked, "Do you ever, uhm.... go fuck yourself?"  and then I walked around her and her stick figure boyfriend. 

It got awful quiet there in the parking lot.  I'm sure I somehow managed to screw up their all-vegan, no gluten, high fiber, sticks and dirt tofu turkey dinner.  And it's that folks.... That makes me truly thankful.

Enjoy your day, friends.

Getting Even with the Man!

I live in a pretty rural area.  When it comes to shopping, you have a very limited selection of stores to go to.  It's not like you can run down to Walmart or the neighborhood strip mall and get everything you need in one stop.  A couple of the stores around here try to do a good job with that.  Others, they just don't care.

These "other' stores I am talking about are what this story is about.  If you absolutely, positively need something, this one store in particular will never, ever, ever have what you are looking for.  On the other hand, if you are looking for a handful of random shit, you can stock up.  If you walk in this store and are looking for a #2 pencil, you're out of luck.  If you just walk in and just decide that you are in the market for a  King James Edition of the Bible, a left handed catchers mitt and a rusty broken metal clothes hanger, they are going to have shelves of that shit... no fail, every time.

After shopping here a few dozen times through the years, I know what I am getting into.  So, me trying to be the smart consumer, I decided to call ahead and ask if they had the product I was looking for.  Electrical tape... very common item.  You can even find this shit in the grocery store, but for some dumb ass reason, I chose to call this outfit.

They answer the phone very professionally and ask "How can I help you?"  I say, "I am looking for a roll of electrical tape.  I don't want to drive all the way into Jackson or Idaho Falls to grab some.  Do you guys have electrical tape?"  The lady says, "Of course we do.  We're a hardware store.  Would you like me to go grab a roll off the shelf for you, and then all you have to do is walk up to the counter and pay for it?"  I said, "That would be great.  I will be there in about 20 minutes."

I arrive at the store thinking I am way ahead of the game.  I won't have to walk through this nightmare of a store.  I'll just walk in, go to the counter, pick my tape up and hit the road.  Easy, peasy....  I walk in, walk up to the counter and say, "I called in about 20 minutes ago, looking for electrical tape.  The woman I spoke to said that she was going to go pull a roll and have it here at the counter for me." 

The person standing in from of me has the old "deer in the headlights" look.  "Huh" she replies.  I go through the story again.  "I called in about 20 minutes ago and asked if you guys had electrical tape.  The gal said, and I quote, "Of course we do, we are a hardware store", then she said she would go grab a roll and have it at the counter for me when I walked in.  Do you have a roll of electrical tape for me?"  She didn't get any smarter.  She said, "Well, who did you talk to?"  I said, "Ma'am, I don't know but this is a small organization.  There can't be very many employees here.  I'll go find the electrical tape myself if you can tell me which aisle I can find it in."  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "We don't have electrical tape."  I lost my mind....

I walked around the entire store, cussing every step of the way.  Up one aisle and down the next!  We are talking about a God damned hardware store that does NOT have electrical tape!!!  I just left...

On my way back home, I decided that I needed to get even.  I decided that I was going to grab a few random bullshit items from around the garage and take them back to the store and try to purchase them.  I had no idea how this was going to turn out, but I was now on a mission.

I picked up a small chunk of wood that the dog had chewed on, a wadded up paper towel with motor oil on it and a small empty box of screws and went back to the store.  I walked in and took my sweet ass time, walking around that store, pushing one of those big ass hand truck things that you might load up with lumber.  I threw my 3 bullshit items from the garage on there and walked by every employee in the store.  Only 1 of them asked if I needed any help, and looked at the bullshit I had sitting on the hand truck.  I said, "Yeah, I'm looking for a half a can of Mr. Pibb.  Where do yall keep your half cans of Mr. Pibb?''

The guy smiled and said, "Are you serious?"  I nodded emphatically.  "I'm serious as a train wreck, buddy.  I need a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."  His chin dropped and he just looked at me.  I said, "Don't bother.  I'll go ask that helpful lady at the front counter for some help."

I pushed my big ass flat bed hand truck thing up to the front counter.  On it I had my chewed up chunk of wood, my dirty ass paper towel and my empty box of wood screws.  As I arrived at the front counter, without even looking at me, the lady said, "Will this be everything?"  I almost laughed!  This lady was going to try to ring this shit up, assuming that I had brought up some real products.  I quickly said, "No, I asked one of your constituents for some help, but he suggested that I come speak to you." 

She finally looked up at me and said, "What can I help you with?"  I said, "Well, I need these 3 items here plus a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."  I shit you not... she shook her head and said, "You need what?"  I pointed down at the 3 bullshit items I brought in and pushed around the store for a half an hour on this big ass flat bed hand truck thing and said, "I also need a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."

She shook her head again and said, "What is a Mr. Pibb?''  I said, "Its a special kind of motor oil or something.  I guess I could use an RC Cola or a Diet Shasta Rootbeer if you don't have Mr. Pibb.''  By now, I am having a blast.  This lady has no idea what in the hell is going on, but I knew... at this very moment, I had her exactly where I wanted her.  She started to reach for the store's loud speaker.....  She said, "Debby, can you come up front please.  Debby, come up front."

A minute or so later, here comes Ol' Debby.  You can kind of tell that she isn't really the brain trust of the organization.  The gal behind the counter says to Ol Debby, "This feller is looking for a half can of Mr. Pibb.  Do we have Mr. Pibb?"  Debby replies, ''What is Mr. Pibb?'  I reply, "I think they use it to thin paint or grease wheel bearings with."  Debby says, "We don't have it.  You ought to try the auto parts store.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"  I said, "No, I guess I will just pay for these products here and be on my way."

Both the gal behind the counter and Debby looked down at my big ass, nearly empty, flat bed hand truck.  I picked up the chewed up piece of wood, the empty box of wood screws and the dirty paper towel and plopped them on the counter, and reached for my wallet.  Debby looks at the gal behind the counter.  The gal behind the counter looks at this shit I brought in, back at Debby and then back at me with the same dumb 'deer in the headlights" look she had earlier and said, "Will this be everything!!!!"

I laughed my ass off!  She was going to try to ring this shit up!  I couldn't quit laughing.  I gained my composure for a second, reached over the counter and grabbed a small pack of gum and said, "That'll be everything."  She looks at the small pile of shit.  She looks at the gum.  She rings the gum up and said, "That'll be $1.06"  I gave her a buck and a quarter and she gave me change and stood there looking at me.  She said, "Will there be anything else?"  I smiled and politely said, "Can I please have a bag?" 

With her mouth agape, she grabbed the smallest bag she had and put the gum in it, and handed it to me.  I looked down at the 3 other items and then looked at her.  She in turn looked at me, picked up the empty box of screws, the chewed up piece of wood and the dirty paper towel and put them in the bag as well.

The look on her face was priceless.  I looked back into the store and there stood Debby and the guy who tried to help me in the first place, all with the same stupid look on their faces.  The gal behind the counter said, "Thanks for stopping in.  Have a nice day."  I just stood there.  Now, everyone was slightly uncomfortable.....  she tried to gather her thoughts and said, "Is there anything else?"  I smiled and said, "May I please have the receipt?"

She puts the receipt in the bag and gingerly pushes it towards me.  I smiled, nodded and reached inside for the pack of gum.  By now, she is nervous.  I unwrapped the gum wrapper, put a piece of gum in my mouth, wadded up the gum wrapper, set it on the counter. I smiled again, said thank you and left the store.

I'm positive that they were glad to get rid of me.  What they don't know is, I am going back tomorrow to try to return the pack of gum.....  Go ahead.... mess with me, you sons a bitches.

9/11 "Never forget"

Everything is different today than it was on the morning of 9/11.  A lot of us were too young to remember Pearl Harbor and most of us were too naive to think that America could ever be attacked on our own soil.  One thing changed that day.  Our vulnerability as individuals and as a nation had been fully exposed.

I was in the desert that morning, hunting antelope.  I just spent over an hour trying to put a sneak on a real good looking goat, and I got busted.  I stood up and turned around to find out where my friends truck was.  Here he came, barrelling towards me through the sagebrush.  As he pulled up, he was yelling through the open passenger side window, "We've been bombed.  The World Trade Center has been bombed!  Get in."

We were listening to the radio in disbelief, trying to make sense of what was going on.  Then we heard that there was another explosion, then another, then another.  I remember the news broadcaster saying "We are under attack." 

We got back to camp to meet up with the other guys.  As I remember, they were already there with the same blank looks on their faces.  "What happens now?"  "Who is attacking us?"  "What do we do?"  We kept listening to the news and each subsequent update was more horrifying than the previous. 

I ended up with a goat that day, but I can't remember when I got him.  I remember being worried about my family, being worried about my nation.  I remember breaking camp and heading back in to town.  It was clear to me that things were going to be different now....

Through this horrible nightmare, we began to band together as a nation.  Petty differences and all of the chicken shit squabbles that stand between us today were non-existent.  None of that shit mattered!  Ones race, gender, political affiliation or any of the other things that we allow to divide us today simply didn't matter then.

Look at us now...  More divided now than ever and as we usually do, we are looking for someone to blame.  We've got nobody to blame but ourselves.  Collectively, we've allowed ourselves to pick a side.  We're told on a daily basis that anyone across the aisle from you is your enemy.  We are pinning Americans against Americans.  If you were really being honest with yourself, you would notice that we have far more in common with each other than any of the political pundits would allow you to believe.  As long as were involved in a fight, we've got no time or energy to look for solutions.

Nobody I know likes being lied too, and yet we sit and allow ourselves to be lied to every day.  And if those lies are coming from someone in your party, we gladly just accept them.  We're wildly hypocritical.  Right now, some shit is happening politically, that if Obama were still in office, about half of the county would want his head on a stick.  The same can be said of when Obama was in office.  Hardly anyone seems to recognize this and it's fucking maddening!  The people that do recognize this don't belong to a specific political party but are still asked to play the game.  Talk about maddening?

Where do we go from here?  Depending on your news source or who's political bullshit you subscribe to, we're near the end.  I don't buy that shit for a second.  I think my best days as an American lie in front of me.  I know a lot of great people that are caught up in the struggle and I can only hope to open one person's eyes, but I know I can't.  Change comes from within.  If you want better, you act better.  You do better and you encourage others to do the same.

As awful as I felt after learning about 9/11, I kind of want to feel that way again.  It was nice seeing people put all of the bullshit aside, even the professional bullshitters knocked it off for a while.  I'm going to do what I can to be a decent person.  I'm going to do what I can to help others around me.  I give a shit.... do you?

"Lottery winner defecates on bosses desk"

So, I'm cruising around on social media today trying to find something to pretend to be outraged over and I come across an article that a friend of mine posted.  The headline said, "Lottery winner defecates on bosses desk".  That piqued my interest and it's just about what you think.  This old gal hits the lottery for a good amount of dough and decides "It's time to retire so I'll go shit on the bosses desk."  That's probably not logical for a lot of people, but I think I get it.

First off, nothing says you're leaving like shitting on the bosses desk.  One way or another, your ass is outta there!  Secondly, at some point, aren't you obligated to shit on the bosses desk?  Seriously... if you hit the lottery for $20 bucks, you are not going to shit on the bosses desk.  But if you hit the lottery for say, $150,000 or better, the thought has to cross your mind.

I swear to God, if I ever hit the lottery for like $1,000,000 dollars, I am going to go on a shitting rampage!   I'll shit on my own desk....  I'll shit on an ice cream truck...  I'll shit on the cat.... Hell, I'll shit on the neighbors cat and nobody is going to do a thing about it! 

Well, somebody would probably complain.  Someone might call the cops, I guess.  But wouldn't that be fun?  Getting arrested for being a mad shitter?  The cops show up in hazmat suits, rubber gloves and armed with a can of Frebreze.  "Come out with your ass up!"  You'd reply, "Never coppers!  I just ate 5 bars of Ex Lax and you'll never be able to take me in."

Now, the ball is totally in your court!  The cops would have to seriously think about taking you in.  "That's a pretty big feller there.... if he ate 2 bran muffins, a hand full of prunes, 5 bars of Ex Lax and drank a pot of coffee, I am not putting his big ass in my patrol car!  It'd be a shit-a-poluzza!  I ain't dealing with that.  They don't pay me enough money!"

Then you could bribe the cops to take you in.  "Listen up cops, if you take me in, I am going to shit all over your stupid cop car, but.... but.... I'll give you $25,000 dollars."  $25k might not be enough to get a dirty cop to bite (that is an awful term to use at this point), but if he has a sense of humor???  He might just do it!

You'd be in the news paper.  He'd be in the news paper.  Your shitty lawyer would be in the news paper.  The chief of police would have to make some kind of shitty statement on the nightly news.  The judge...  HA HA HA  This guy would lose his mind!

Judge:  Did you poop all over the place?
Me:  Yep.
Judge:  Why? 
Me:  $1,000,000 dollars.
Judge:  You pooped all over the place for a $1,000,000?
Me:  Yep.
Judge:  Well, I'm going to have to fine you and throw you in jail....
Me:  I wouldn't do that if I were you....
Judge:  Why is that?
Me:  I'm the Mad Shitter!  I'll shit in your jail.  I'll shit in the courtroom before you get me out of here.  There is liable to be shit on your desk, on your robe and your shit gavel.  You don't look like the type of guy that is amused by shit. 
Judge:  Yeah, please don't shit... please.... Can I speak to the laywer's please?
Prosecutor:  Your honor, I think he's serious.
My Lawyer:  By God, he is serious... he's the Mad Shitter.
Judge:  Now I'm afraid to even fine him.
Prosecutor:  I don't blame you, but we have to do something.
My Lawyer:  I'd be careful where you step....
Judge:  That's sound advice.  Mr. Prosecutor, can we just drop this case and pretend it didn't happen?
Prosecutor:  I think that's reasonable and responsible, your Honor.  This is the shittiest case I've ever seen.
My Lawyer:  You ain't shittin!
Judge:  Case is dismissed....

Hmmmm, I probably ought to get back to work before I fired....... or, maybe I ought to go buy some lottery tickets.

Jalapeno Hot Dog

Do you like Jalapenos?  I sure do.  To me, jalapenos have just the right amount of heat and just the right flavor to make almost anything taste better.  In fact, I'll go as far as to say that jalapenos are the bacon of peppers.  Holy shit!  Have you ever had jalapenos and bacon?  I swear, if you eat a jalapeno and a piece of bacon at the same time, you can hear the angels sing.  That's another story for another time, however.

Okay, so the title of this post might be a little misleading at first.  When I wrote "Jalapeno Hot Dog", I initially thought, "I'm all in!!!"  Then I remembered the story and had to observe a moment of silence out of respect to what really happened.  On the other hand, if you really know me, you'll know damned well this tragedy really happened.  So, here we go.

Me and a couple of buddies decided to go fishing one weekend.  The plan was to spend the night and catch a big mess of catfish.  Because of timing, we each had to drive our own vehicles but we made a plan as to who would be picking up which provisions.  Beer!  Gotta have beer and one of my buddies worked for a beer distributor so he was on that.  Another buddy had the boat, so he covered that and the fuel.  Another buddy bought all of the bait and I was put on buying something to eat for dinner that night.

I throw all of my gear into the truck and headed out.  The plan was to stop at the grocery store and pick something up, but I drove by an old Kentucky Fried Chicken.  The place brought back some childhood memories.  Dad would stop there every once in a while and pick up chicken for a fishing trip.  I just knew that was the thing to do, so in I go.

I don't want to sound like a male chauvinist, but we are talking about a group of guys going fishing.  Man shit, right?  So I knew better than to order all kinds of goofy salads.  We're men.  Men need beer, chicken and a couple of biscuits to make the trip, even if the fishing sucks.  As I am standing there contemplating the amount of chicken to buy, I see this giant ass jar of pickled peppers.  Now I know we need to add peppers to the situation.

The kind lady comes up and takes my order.  I said, "I need about 20 pieces of chicken, 10 biscuits and a big ass container of those peppers you have there in the jar.  As she rang me up she mentioned, "For some reason, these jalapenos are extremely hot!"  In my mind I am thinking, "Yeah sure they are, granny.  Now box up a shit ton of them and get my ass to the lake."

With chicken, biscuits and peppers in hand, I head out the door with a grin on my face.  "If the fishing sucks" I think to myself, "...at least we will have some good ass chicken".  I just knew I had myself and my buddies covered. 

I eventually arrive at the dock and walk towards the boat.  My beer buddy was there first.  He handled his end with 3 cases of ice cold beer.  I showed him the chicken and we clapped, jumped and danced around like a couple of sorority girls.  From the looks of things, this trip should have been illegal.  It was going to be blast! 

Soon after, my other buddies showed up.  Bait guy knocked down his end of the bargain and the guy who owned the boat pulled into the gas dock and filled the tank.  We could have gone anywhere on that body of water and survived for 3 days if we had to. 

We shove off and set a course to one of our favorite spots.  Positioned just right, you could watch half naked girls jumping off the cliffs while drinking beer and catching catfish.  We get there, anchor off and start to get the party rolling. 

After a few beers, right near sunset, we decide to get into the chicken and biscuits.  We are mowing through the fried chicken and beer at a pretty good pace.  Good news was, we didn't have to move nor had we planned on it.  The next thing you know, we are down to just the jalapenos and beer left.  None of my buddies were down with eating peppers.  "Too much beer" and "too much chicken" were the excuses they were using.  I'd never heard such talk before, so I start crunching pepper after pepper and slamming beer after beer.

It's well after dark by this point.  I was about 10 beers in and I finally had to take a whiz.  I grabbed a couple of peppers, jammed them into my beer hole and hopped on the ski board to take care of business.  I present my man plumbing to the lake and grab hold right after biting into the juciest pepper of the lot. 

In my left had was a brand new, icy cold Budweiser.  I had a hold of my man situation in my right hand which was also coated in jalapeno juice, but I was not completely aware of that for about the first 20 seconds of the worlds longest piss attempt.  Then something changed....

Saying something changed was an understatement.  When you burn a hot dog on a grille, it kind of makes them better.  When you burn "YOUR" hot dog with jalapeno juice.... ain't nothing good going to come of that.  Now, I had just enough beer in the system that I couldn't tell exactly what was happening.  I took another sip of beer and started to recollect the entire evening up to this point.  "Put stuff in truck... check.  Drive truck towards lake....check.  Buy chicken, buscuits and peppers...check.  Get to lake...check.  Get on board...check.  Shove off...check.  Anchor off...check.  Eat chicken, buscuits and peppers... check.  Go piss with copious amounts of jalapeno pepper juice all over the hand that you have just grabbed your schnitzle with...check.... Wait a second... what was the last thing?'  Then it hits me!

I let go with the most grievous scream and jump into the dark abyss.  I'm scrubbing, I'm damn near crying and my buddies are laughing their asses off!  I finally manage to get control of my emotions and hop back on the boat.  I drank about 4 more beers and put myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and knew I had a problem.  I took a look at the 'situation' and figured I had better take my ass and the rest of me to the hospital and get this thing looked at.  My weiner looked like it had been in a gang fight!  Bumps, bruises, blisters... hell, it looked like it was crying, so I demanded that I be brought to shore for first aide.

One buddy said, "Here, put Vaseline on it."  I didn't know if it was going to work or not, but I gave it a go.  Then I thought, "what in the hell did this guy think was going to happen on this other wise Christian gathering, that he thought Vaseline was an appropriate item to bring?" 

Well, guess what?  Putting Vaseling on it was like throwing gasoline on a dumpster fire!  I poured a cold beer on it, I poured cold ass ice chest water on it and nothing was going to stop the flames!  We get to the dock and I take off running.  I hop in the truck and head to the emergency room.

On the ride, I tried to look at other options.  I could call my mom.... nope.  Mom doesn't know anything about "plumbing".  I could call my dad... again nope.  I didn't need his ass laughing at me at this pivotal, most important time in my life.  I manage to find the hospital and walk into the emergency room door with my tail between my legs.

The lady behind the counter looks at me.  I'm coverd with ice chest water, beer and am half crying and shaking.  She says, "What can I do for you?"  I said, "Put the fire out...please!  I am begging you!"  She looks me up and down one more time and says, "Fire?  What fire?"  To which I reply, "The one on my penis...."  She says, "So let me get this right...  You have a burning sensation when you pee?"  I shake my head and plea with her... "No, it burns all of the time.  Its in horrible shape and if we don't hurry up, I'm afraid the thing is going to be a complete loss."  She shakes her head in disbelief and I just blurt it out, "Lady, I have JALAPENO JUICE ALL OVER MY  DICK!!!"

Even Ray Charles could have seen how dire the situation was.  I'm shaking and crying uncontrollably, pacing, cussing, looking like I was going to faint and she says, "The doctor will be with you in a minute." 

10 minutes later, a nurse comes out and calls my name.  "Mr. Dudley?"  I'm the only person there....  I mean, its not a mystery who the idiot is who has jalapeno juice all over his genitals and I knew damned well that she knew that!  Nevertheless, she asks me whats going on....  I just dropped my shorts and pointed at it.  The first words out of her mouth were, "Holy shit!"  Not comforting, at all.  her next words were, "What is this greasy substance all over it?"  I told her that it was Vaseline and then she went off on a 20 minute diatribe on how you are not supposed to put anything on any kind of a burn, especially on ones genitals.

I told her as resepctfully as I could, "You're not fucking helping.  If I wanted a lecture, I would have called my grandma.  I came to you for help so please, get me some help or call a priest for my penises last rites."  She put her hand to her mouth and walked away.

I'm struggling to regain my composure.  I can hear this nurse discussing the situation with a man.  I can't help but think I am at least on the road to getting some sympathy from the gentleman on the other side of the curtain.  At about this time, the curtain flings open.  Not a little bit, but he whole way.  There lies me and my dying penis, for the entire staff to look at.  The doctor makes eye contact and says, "Good morning Mr. Dudley" and then looks at "the patient". 

The look on his face looked like he had just walked in on his parents having sex.  He slapped his forehead and took a seat on the stool at the foot of the bed.  "Jesus Christ" he says, then continues, "I've never seen anything like this!  What in the hell is the greasy substance all over the place?"  I just screamed, "Its penis tears, God Damn it!  Can you do anything to help, for the love of God!!!"

He collects himself, puts on a pair of inspection gloves and kind of pokes it...  He pokes it again....  "Do you mind if I take a closer look?" he asks.  "Please, for the sake of all things holy!  Do something!  Anything, but quit poking it.  You aren't helping!"  He says, "Well, were going to have to clean it" like he is talking to his little son about a dirty bedroom or something.  I said, "Pain... I'm dying.  Can you give me something for the pain, at least.  I'll take the damned thing to the car wash or do whatever you tell me to do, but you've got to make it stop buring."

He directs the nurse to grab some betadine, some warm wash cloths, some gauze and one of those goofy shaped plastic barf trays that looks like it could have held a banana split at one time.  Another nurse comes in and hands me a couple of pills.  I didn't even care if it were cyanide at this point.  I'm more embarrassed than I have ever been, my penis has been on a 12 hour nuclear melt down and I just wanted something else to happen.

As the doctor is working on the situation, the nurse is standing there grimacing and making odd hand gestures and shaking her head.  Another nurse walks in and asks if she can assist but takes a quick look at what was really going on and excuses herself with a simple but stearn, "Nope!  I'm out." 

By now, the pain meds and first aide are starting to kick in.  The doctor gets done and says, "You're going to want to keep this clean and treat it as if it were any other kind of a burn.  Don't put anything on it.  Wash it and let it air dry if you can.  Keep an eye out for more blisters and if they start to appear, come back in for a follow up.  In fact, I suggest you follow up with your regular physician in the next couple of days."

He helps me sit up and I look him dead in the eye and said, "If this works and the burning quits, you know damned well that I am not going to follow up with the family physician, right?  You also understand that I will NOT ever come back in here, regardless of the situation, right?'  He nodded and showed me the way out.

There I go, hobbling along on the worst day of my life.  Alone, scared and hurt like I've never been hurt before.  I was trying to figure out a way to drive standing up naked or a way to make a quick splint for my wounded warrior.  No such luck. 

I got home and mom asked, "How was fishing and why are you limping?"  "Fishing sucked mom and me limping is the least of our worries at this point.  I could have died."  I went straight to my bedroom and tried to sleep the whole thing off like a bad hangover.  I woke up the next morning and looked down.... there he was, bandaged like a burn victim and I could almost hear him asking me, "Why?  Why?  Why did you do this to me?"

I swore I'd never tell that story, but here I am 31 years later hoping that someone will read this and learn a valuable lesson.  Please consider this a public service announcement and remember that peppers and your genitals are never, ever going to be friends.

I should have seen this coming....

Have you ever gotten started on something, it could be anything, and its not going right from the get go?  You do your best to keep trying to keep the train on the tracks but the harder you push and the harder you try to make the magic happen, the more obvious it seems that there is going to be a total train wreck in your near future?

The story I am about to tell is about such a train wreck. 

One thing I learned from my grandpa was, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".  This statement was in reference to the success and simplicity of his relationship with my grandma.  It's akin to "happy wife/happy life".  I admired that about him and them and I strived to do the same thing in my life and marriage.

One night I was at work and the wife and a friend of hers came in.  The wife started telling me about this new Japanese restaraunt that she really wanted to try.  Japanese cuisine isn't something that I would normally be on board with, but the more she talked it up, the more important I knew it was to her.  So I told her, "make the reservations and other necessary arrangements and we will go".

The next morning she tells me that we are on for the following weekend.  I let her know that I was totally on board.  (Happy wife/ happy life bullshit, full steam....)  I head off to work that evening and more or less forget everything about this arrangement.  No big surprise, the wife calls me a bit later at work and tells me how much this means to her and how much fun we are going to have and just goes on and on and on.

During our conversation, she mentions the name of the place but it doesn't sound familiar.  The bar was getting busy and I had to get off the phone.  I told her I loved her and was really looking forward to the evening.

I get a break in the action at work and decide to look this joint up.  I mean, she keeps going on and on about it, it must really be something spectacular!  Into the "googler" I type N E T A N Y A H U and hit search.  Obviously I got the name wrong because Netanyahu is the name of the Isreali Prime Minister and not a Japanese restaraunt.  (This should have been my first indicator that this thing would pan out to be a soup sandwich, but it just didn't click.)

So, I give her a call.  I said, "Honey, there is no Japanese restaraunt around here called Netanyahu's.''  She started laughing and said, "Of course not.  First of all, the place isn't here.  It's in Salt Lake.  Secondly, Netanyahu is the Isreali Prime Minister.  What in the hell could he possibly know about Japanese Hibachi cooking?" 

My next replay sent the mood in the wrong direction, naturally.  "Salt :Lake?  Jesus Christ, I thought we were going to dinner and now we have this whole road trip planned.... it better be all you're making it out to be."  As usual, she told me to cool my jets and that everything was going to be fine.

Now, the big day arrives.  I am going to drive 4 hours to eat Japanese food.  I normally wouldn't have given it a try if it was being made in my back yard, but off we go.  We get into Salt Lake, check into our motel room and start to get ready.  The wife packed my nicest white button down, a pair of jeans and my boots for me and of course is going to do her best to get all gussied up.  (She looked fantastic, by the way.) 

She knows I don't like venturing too far away from my comfort zone and I knew that doing so would mean the world to her....  (Yeah, more "happy wife/happy life bullshit....)  So, as well pull into the parking lot, she begins her celebration.  She does this little giggle and clap thing that she cannot control, so that happens and as it does, I feel this impending doom setting in.  I don't know what it was but my intuition was telling me, this was going to end poorly. 

As we were walking towards the door, I tried to talk her into a steak joint that we drove by but she was having none of it.  She started chanting the places name over and over like a 5 year old standing in the Disney Land parking lot.  We walk into the most trendy, Japanese looking place I have ever seen.  The place was spotless and nothing was out of place.  Traditional Japanese artwork on all of the walls, complete with the obligatory bamboo plants in the corners.

At this point, the most Japanese Japanese woman in the world greeted us.  She was a beautiful person but I couldn't understand a thing she said, which is odd because its normally me that has to work as the Dudley family foreign language interpreter.  She said whatever she said and DeeDee just nods and we are whisked away to a big ass room full of big ass grilles.  These guys are cutting shit up, twirling knives, cleavers and machetes and shit... flames blowing out all over the place and it is only now that I think we are in for a good time.

Our hostess seats us at our own private grille, says something else that I can't understand and walks away.  I am watching the chef next to us doing his best to not burn the joint down!  the folks in front of him are "ooohing and aaahing" and he is really kicking some bar-b-cue ass on that grill!  I'm amazed and thought to myself, "this alone is worth it."

Another Japanese woman elegantly approaches with menus.  She asked if we wanted cocktails, which naturally we did.  DeeDee order some Triple Zombie or some damned thing and I ordered a Japanese Lager...  it kicked almost as much ass as the chef at the next table.  The drinks arrive and the lady kindly explains how things are going to happen.  Again, I can't understand so I am taking DeeDee's lead on this.  The next thing I know, we are confirming the fact that I ordered Filet Mignon and seafood....  I nod and said, "Your damned right."  DeeDee ordered the same thing.

Moments later, the most Japanese looking guy in the world comes out pushing a tray with all kinds of shit on it.  He nods and smiles and starts preparing the grille.  He's saying shit that we don't understand, throwing knives in the air and banging some spatula looking thing on the grille.



They must have given us the best guy!  People around us where watching this guys routine.  He'd say something, point at something on the tray, throw that shit in the air, chopping and screaming... twirling other sharp things.  It was awesome.  The guy kept trying to ask us if we liked stuff, but I'd just nod and smile. 

The guy cuts up a pepper and an onion with super human speed, stacks it up and squirts oil in the middle.  It made this little volcano thing, which was also bad ass!  This dude was a hibachi ninja!  The more he did, the more awesome he got!  We were both enjoying the show but DeeDee was over the moon impressed with everything. 

At this point, the vegetables are kind of precooked, so he moves them to a cooler part of the grille.  He pulls out 2 nice looking filets and starts his acrobat/ninja spice routine.  Shit was flying everywhere and then in bionic fashion, the guy manages to cut both steaks into 1/4 inch thick slices, screams some Japanese shit and throws it on the grille.  A huge flame erupts, knives and cleavers are getting thrown around again and then he pulls out the shrimp, lobster and scallops. 

Now, all kinds of crazy shit is happening.  This guy was moving around so effortlessly, but so incredibly fast, it was just amazing!  More flames... more knives... it was just awesome.  The next thing I know, I am taking a sip of my beer and the chef looks at me and says, "You rikey shreeemp?'  I look at DeeDee, I look back at him.  Again he says, "You rikey Shreemp?" and I finally get what it is that he is saying... or at least I thought I got what he was trying to say.  I nod my head and in a split second, the guy picks a shrimp up with the end of his knife and throws it at my face!

The shrimp bounces off my forehead, bounces off my bad ass white buttong down and hits the floor.  I have a 2nd degree grease burn on my head.  DeeDee and the chef are laughing and now, all of a sudden, this guy speaks real good English with a strong Japanese accent.  When he stops laughing he says, "You awful.  You no coordination.  I fro shreemp, you catch in mouf.  You no catch in mouf, you let bounce off head!" 

Now everybody in the joint is laughing at me, DeeDee included.  She did however notice that it was time to jump into full intervention mode.  I said, "Hey Suzuki, I had no idea you were gonna throw shit at me.  Nobody told me, you just start winging prawns around the god damned room like I am your trick pony and am supposed to somehow understand your ass." 

Well, Suzuki or whatever his name is is now laughing harder.  DeeDee is trying to console me and do first aide on the grease burn on my forehead while I want to fight a hot greasy shrimp throwing ninja who is armed with more knives than a cutlery store.... 

The beautiful hostess comes running up with another cold beer.  It was like she knew how to deal with a big idiot like me.  (Beer always works....)  The chef plates our food, bows and then excuses himself.  As he walks from behind the grille, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "You berry good sport but you no coordination." 

By this time, even I saw the humor in the whole thing.  I apologized for my shitty behavior and we all had a good laugh.  As it turns out, the food was absolutely fantastic!  I don't know what he did to that steak but it was one of the best I have ever had.  The name of the joint is Teppanyaki... not to be confused with Netanyahu.  Why I call it Netanyahu, I'll never know.  I am going to go back for another steak and I swear to God, the next time anyone throws a shrimp in the air, even if it as at Sea World and its intended for a lion seal, I am going to catch that son of a bitch and not ruin another shirt!