Cuisine

Hey!  Happy New Years Eve!  I hope everyone has some kind of plans tonight. I have no plans, but that in and of itself is a plan.  I am going home, eating dinner and then going to bed probably between 9 and 9:30.  After 20 years in the bar business, that is my type of party.  

Anyhow, I come at you this morning with a weird story.  Just yesterday I heard from an old friend from my Las Vegas days.  I have been out of Vegas now for 38 years, so we are going back.  My friend tracked me down and apologized for something that I forgot even happened.

I went to Los Angeles to see this buddy of mine.  This was perhaps a little ill planned on my behalf.  I didn't tell this friend that I was coming down.  Not to worry though as I had everything else planned out.  He was recently married, so instead of staying with them I just booked a motel room.  I was going to spend a little time on the beach and just poke around Southern California for a couple of days.

This is where the whole thing goes awry.  After driving around L.A. for a few hours, I ended up finding my lodging accommodations.  It wasn't a name brand motel.  In fact, it was called the Mo'Tell and it wasn't exactly in L.A.  Let's say it was "L.A. adjacent".  

I tried to call my friend.  I got his answering machine so I left him a message.  "Hey dumbass!  I'm in L.A.  Come get me and show me around."  I also gave him the information about how to contact me and I then sat around and waited for his return call.

4 hours later, still no return call.  I was starting to get hungry.  I was thinking about going downtown.  I had a craving for some Asian food.  I sat around for another hour or so and decided that I was going to have to eat without my friend and his new bride.  I walked up to the Mo'Tell office and asked for the best Asian food in the area.  

This guy in the office (I don't think he even worked there) told me, "Asian, like Chinese or Japanese?"  I replied, "Yeah or maybe Indian."  He said, "Like Indian frybread?"  I said, "No, not really but frybread is kick ass.  I'm looking for maybe some noodles or perhaps some sushi."  He said, "Oh, yes.  You have to go to Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Asian Cuisine."  I just stared at him.  Right about the time I was going to ask if he were serious he nodded very convincingly.  "Yeah, go right out of the parking lot and travel about 2 miles.  You'll see 2 strip malls right next to each other.  You'll also see a building that looks like a sombrero.  That is the place."

I was 21 at the time.  I had been bullshitted a lot by that age and I'll be damned if this didn't smell the same way.  Again, he nodded and pointed to the right and said again, "2 miles, look for the 2 strip malls and the building that looks like a sombrero.  That's the place."

By this point, I am starving.  I figured that I would run into a burger joint or something on the way and that would have to be good enough.  Nope... 2 miles, no food joints anywhere!  Then I see the 2 strip malls.  I whip and and instinctively turn left and there she was...  "Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Asian Cuisine" all in a sombrero shaped building.  I couldn't help but laugh, but I figured the guys convincing head nod and dead on directions to the place just couldn't be wrong.

As I walked up to the front door a gentleman opened the door and invited me in.  The place smelled wonderful.  He said, "Would you like to dine with us this evening?"  I said, "Are you Maury?"  He stared at me.  I asked, "This is Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Asian Cuisine, isn't it?  He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity.  He said, "Right this way please."

I mean, I followed the guy.  I was hungry man and the food smelled great!  I was seated in the corner.  As I looked about, I noticed about every ethnicity I could think of represented within this places clientele.  The host told me, "Your waiter will be over in a minute."

I looked over the menu.  Some of this stuff I had never heard of.  "Motzo Dumplings"  "Gilfelte Sushi or Sushimi" were the first 2 offerings. I scratched my head as my waitress arrived.  The waitress said, "Have you made an erection?"  No, you read that right... "Have you made an erection?"  I said, "God no, lady.  I'm hungry and horny."  She started tapping on the menu and locked eyes with me while saying, "This one, erection.  This one, erection.  This one erection."

It then dawned on me that she was most likely asking if I made a selection.  I hadn't because I didn't know what any of this stuff was.  I looked around the room.  There was a family just to my left.  The gentleman was eating a big bowl of noodles.  I asked, "What is that?"  The waitress said, "That is Maury's Special."  I said, "Just give me that."

The food came out and it was FANTASTIC!  I don't know what it was that I was eating.  I don't know if it was Kosher.  It didn't matter.  I finished, payed my tab and headed back to the Mo'Tell.  When I got there, I found out that my room had been re-rented.  The owner thought I left.  He had my bag in the office.  I said, "Sir, there is someone in my room."  He said, "Did you go to Maury's?".  I answered, "Yeah, but what about my room?"  He pointed at a sign that said, "NO REFUNDS" and it was signed at the bottm.  "Maury Applebaum".  

He gave me my money back.  I found a Howard Johnson's on the way closer to the beach.  I stayed there 2 nights calling my friend.  He never got back to me.  That is what made him look me up most recently.  Apparently the Mo'Tell and Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Cuisine are long gone.  That, or as my friend said, "You got roofied".  

I probably got roofied.