Fashion. There is a subject that I know absolutely nothing about. I don't know as if I ever had a clear definition of the term "fashion sense". As a kid in high school, it was 501's, t-shirt, and Nikes. Later my style evolved into jeans, boots and a t-shirt while sporting a mullet. Later than that, my style morphed into another realm all together. In my mid 30's, I decided if I were wearing cargo shorts, t-shirt and work boots, I was probably over dressed for most situations I prefer to find myself in. I'm never going to wear shorts, sandals and black socks and that is a promise.
Along with ones "fashion sense" comes the necessity to be able to kind of get a hair style that matches you. My grandfather was a barber. That doesn't give me the qualifications to be a hair style consultant, but at this point in my life, I've had maybe 1,000 hair cuts. Some reflected the barbers impeccable skills but were an ill thought decision when it came to style. Others, very well thought and planned but the barber (myself or a drunk buddy) jacked my hair up which led to me shaving my head. Shit happens... and it happens to me often especially when I choose to cut my own hair.
There are 2 particular hair cuts that drive me crazy. Neither of them is the mullet, however. I do cringe when I see one, but I consider the source and then move along. The 2 hair styles I am thinking of are the "Utah Claw" and the "May I speak to your manager" which is also known as the "Wasatch Front." (You can take that last name, "Wasatch Front" to the bank because a professional barber told me about it. Thanks Mike Randall w/ Teton Barber Shop!)
Scientifically known as "Utahsian-6kidsandaminivanicus" or its more traditional name, "The Claw" is in a critical stage of its existence. Nearly extinct today, "The Claw" does make rare appearances at NASCAR events and the World Championship Snowmobile Hill Climb. This particular coif was noted in the hundreds in the late 80's and Early 90's at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar in Jackson, Wyoming. It's numbers now have dwindled to mere dozens. Assumed to be a mating ritual, "The Claw" would appear on any holiday or any excuse our friends from Utah would use to come to Wyoming and get wasted because they were afraid to do it in Utah.
"The Claw" consisted of spiking out ones long bangs straight up from the forehead in order to resemble an inverted eagle's talon. As much as 5 cans of Aqua-Net and 3 solid hours of time is necessary to achieve the desired presentation. As mentioned above, "The Claw" is assumed to be a mating ritual because it was often seen amongst mullets. If there were an equal amount of "Claws" and mullets, this grouping is known as "Jack Mormons" and you can fully expect different levels of drunken stupidity including fights over "Who is the best driver, Junior or Tony Stewart?" or "Ford v.s. Dodge".
Women sporting "The Claw" are often heard saying things like "Make me something real strong, like a Fuzzy Navel or something" to any bartender, bar back, cocktail waitress or random guy pumping gas near them. As well, they will often ask for directions to the bathroom and then head in the wrong direction. Not known for their tolerance to alcohol, "The Claw" is often found in the women's room, hugging the toilet or taking a nap on the disgusting but cool tile floors of bathrooms. After such an occurrence, you'll hear someone wearing "The Claw" say "Did I pee my pants or is this from crying?" because her boyfriend looked at another breeder wearing "The Claw". Often there will be a clump of toilet paper sticking to the spike of one of her high heels and this person will normally be accompanied by another girl crying because "Tiffany is having a hard time tonight." This other girl should be coveted however because she is normally the only way to get rid of the dumpster fire known as "The Claw".
The hair style known as "May I speak to your manager" a.k.a "The Wasatch Front" evolved in the mid 90's and peaked in popularity in the year 2012. According to numerous scientific studies, this particular hair style has numerous things in common with "The Claw" and it has been noted that former "Claws" are now known as "May I speak to your manager". It is assumed that a maturation process takes place in ones 30's that spurs this particular adaptation.
Scientifically known as "gonnabebitchycuz", their general attitude is considered more shitty than that of "The Claw". It is assumed that this is because of the maturation process and the fact that this person has nothing else in the world to be upset about than in order to feel any relevance, it must seem bitchy. While in bars, "May I speak to your manager" will often complain about the most irrelevant shit that nobody has any control over. Most common amongst their complaints are, "Your ice is too cold", "I don't like what time it is" and "How come they look like they are having a lot more fun than I am?''. These are always followed by the words, "May I speak to your manager?".... hence the name.
Trying to reason with this person and these questions will always prove to be a fruitless endeavor. Even the most skilled bar manager will approach with caution. "Good evening. My name is ______, I am the manager, so how can I be of help?" Gonnabebitchycuz normally ends up with a "just got screwed by the neighbors bit bull'' look and then quickly shakes that off to reply with one of the above queries. The skillful manager will then politely answer, "Miss, our ice is that cold because if it weren't, it would be water" and under his/her breath you can often hear the answer followed by "you stupid twat".
When hit with the complaint, "How come they look like they are having a lot more fun than I am?", the most savvy of managers will say, "They are having more fun because they aren't bitchy!" This is where one will normally encounter "gonnabebitchycuz's" favorite complaint. "I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back!" Although she looks as if she really means it this time, that is a guarantee that you will see her again in less than 30 minutes after she makes a scene and walks out of the establishment, but not without trying to get her friends and family to follow... and that never happens.
Upon her return from having a good cry out by the dumpster, she returns with her mascara running down both cheeks. She will complain again that she has "never been treated that way" which is a lie because the last time she was in, ended the same way. She will ask for a refund on her cover charge, her drinks, and an apology from the guy in the hotel lobby who looked at her boobs, because they are basically hanging out of her shirt. When she receives no compliance, she will always begin to sob again, complete with little snot bubbles inflating and quickly deflating (like an infant) and then she will being to offer apologies.... for everything and anything not relevant to the current situation.
An encounter with either species is truly something not so special and not to be cherished. They are sure to happen again and again.
