"This water is amazing"

If you've ever read any of the blather that I tend to compose, you'll remember that I get a lot of my topics from standing in line at the convenience store.  As well, you may remember that I have a thing with the word "amazing". 

Anyhow, I am standing in line behind what appears to be 2 young professional women that appeared to be thoroughly kempt.  Both were wearing business attire, a modicum of make-up and they had their hair pulled back tight.  Because they were standing right in front of me, I couldn't help but over hear their conversation. 

"What kind of water is that?" one asks the other.  "Oh, its amazing!" the first woman exclaimed.  (Do you remember watching cartoons on Saturday morning?  Do you remember the anvil falling from the sky and hitting Wile E. Coyote on the head and turning him into an accordion?  Remember the noise it made?  That's how I felt and that is the noise I heard.)  The crooked vein in my left temporal region had to have popped out, because that is the side of my head that began hurting almost instantaneously.

"Amazing water!"  Those two words are now looping through my mind.  I can't hear anything else.  "Amazing water!  Amazing water!  Amazing water!"  All I could think of now was, "why, I need to get a look see at this magical elixir!" 

I look at the bottle.  It looks pretty much like every other bottle of water that I've ever seen. Do you know what would have been amazing?  If there were no bottle and somehow the water remained drinkable but yet in the shape of a bottle.  And what if there were tiny unicorns, rainbows and miniature magic gnomes that grant every wish you can think of while gazing into their 4 leaf clover shaped eyes?  And, when you take this bottle-non-bottle of amazement up to the counter, the clerk actually pays you 1000 times what the product's list price is!  That would be amazing but I'm not seeing anything even resembling that shit.

As we moved one step closer, I took another look at this water.  It was still doing nothing.  I thought to myself, "This is a lack luster performance for something so amazing....".  I don't know why my mind raced to my high school biology class and the day that I learned that urine is 95% water.  Of course in my mental mind, I had to ask myself this question...  "If urine is 95% water, is piss 95% amazing?''  It would have to be.  Wouldn't it?

Then I start to imagine that each of these women are secretly carrying tiny bottles of amazing piss to shower themselves with.  Not only that, but with piss being so amazing, they both probably had these amazing piss fountains on their desk.  At the bottom of this piss fountain is a piss pool and that is where the mystical, magical miniature piss mermaids manufacture piss pixie dust that the piss pixies flutter about and cast the piss pixie dust upon those who are fortunate enough to believe!  Now, everyone is piss blessed!  What a truly joyous occasion!

And after a hard days work and numerous piss party celebrations, they rush home to further celebrate the magical concoction!  They tell their families, their friends and anyone else who will listen.  And those who listen hear these marvelous stories  while their faces are filled with wonderment! 

And these women's children all have a British accent (for some dumb ass reason) and they cry out with joy, "Mother!  Tell us... tell us more of this precious liquid commodity!"  Their mothers break into grand piss tales!  One mother speaks of how one drop if piss stopped the largest meteor on record from slamming into earth and ending life as we know it and the other spun a web of how 1 quart of piss saved 200 villages in Africa from drought and disease!  All of the children thought and believed, "What a blessing this piss is."

The children rushed to their bedrooms to adorn themselves in their finest piss pajamas and prepare their extra-pissy sleeping quarters in order to invite the Piss Fairy.  They know that the Piss Fairy will beguile them while in their piss dreams!  "People everywhere must know of this piss!'' one child cries. 

"That will be $3.29, sir........."  At this point I felt myself coming back into the real world.  "$3.29 sir!" the clerk said again with more emphasis.  It was my turn to pay up and I was standing there in my own "piss heaven".  I scrambled to find my wallet.  I think I had a piss smile on my face.  Again, I amused myself. 

Neither water nor piss can be classified as amazing.  Sorry, and yes I am the authority on the subject.