Doctor Visit

For a guy with a colorful 4 letter word vocabulary, I sure do take offense to some rather unoffensive words.  I've written about this in the past.  The word I hate the most is "moist" and I think I have gone into enough detail as to why the word makes my skin crawl.

Recently the words "soy milk" and "almond milk" have managed to get under my skin.  Maybe its semantics or maybe I just don't have anything else in the world bothering me.  I don't know.  To me it just seems like another lie someone is trying to make me choose to believe.

Now, I have tried both of them.  I can say that I did not find the taste offensive.  You know what I do find offensive? Calling this shit milk. It's not milk.  I've eaten pounds of edamame and almonds in my life and I have never once discovered a lactating tit on either one.  Yeah, I've looked.  I spent a good amount of time looking for bean tits.  Not one.  I haven't even found a cartoon bean tit.

I even went as far as to ask my doctor about bean tits.  He looked at me as if I had really lost my mind this time, but I figured since I don't know any bean doctors, I'd ask the guy I am paying to sit in front of me to answer the question.  I figured he had spent more time in school than I did, and if anyone in the office knew about bean tits, he was likely my guy.

The doctor said, "So we discussed your blood glucose level and your A1c and what we need to do there.  We talked about your blood pressure, which is improving by the way.... is there anything that we should talk about?"

 I mean, for Christ's sake.  He opened the door to the conversation.

I nodded and asked, "Do beans have tits?"  He looked at his clip board and then looked at the floor.  He looked at the spot between my eyebrows and then looked at the floor again.  He scratched his head and said, "What did you just ask me?".

I said, "I asked you if beans have tits."  He went through the same routine.  Clipboard, floor, the spot between my eyebrows and the floor again.  He pushed himself back a couple of feet from me and said, "Are you okay?"  I replied, "Well, you're the doctor. You said I was doing pretty good."

Here's where it went south, fast and in a hurry

Doctor:  "What kind of question is that?"
Me:  "I don't know if it lies in the realms of a botany or agriculture question with a medical twist."
Doctor:  "What would a bean need a tit for?"
Me:  "For milk, obviously."
Doctor:  "What in the fuck is the matter with you? "
Me: "You've already asked me that."
Doctor:  "Why would a bean ever need milk?"
Me:  "I don't know as if they ever do need milk."
Doctor:  "Then why would they need tits?  Wait, don't answer that..."

He looked at the clock on the wall and then fiddled with his watch.  He wiped a bead of sweat from his brow and asked, "What in the hell is going on here?"

I'm dead ass serious with the guy, and he is about to lose his ever loving mind.  I said, "Soy milk and almond milk.  If soy and almonds don't have tits, where do you get soy milk and almond milk from?"
He shook his head yet again and said, "I can't believe I am having this conversation.  Soy milk comes from soy and almond milk comes from almonds.  That's it.  There's nothing more to it.  It is what it is."

"But it can't be milk if it doesn't come from a tit, right?"

So here sits this guy, completely bewildered by whats taking place.  He is a nice, clean cut fellow who know looks as if he is considering bypassing all entry level drugs and hopping straight to heroin.
He throws his hands in the air.  "How is this even a thing?  How are we even having this discussion?  What does this have to do with your health?"  I answered, "I think this is more about the truth than anything else.  I don't know how you can call something milk that is not milk.  It seems horribly dishonest and I find you to be a pretty honest guy.  You asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about, so I brought this up."

Silence hit the room again.  This time it was rather profound.  The poor soul looked heart broken, like I declined his offer to take me to the prom.  Then all of a sudden, he looked as if he had some kind of a recovery.  "While I have you here, lets go ahead and take some blood and then I will see you again in two weeks and we will discuss the blood test results."

He said that because he knows I don't like giving blood.  And that's fine.  The poor guy looked like I dragged him through a size 2 knot hole.  I guess he thought he deserved to get something out of this discussion.  Anyhow, I make it through the blood draw and make an appointment for two weeks down the road.

Two weeks later, I show up to discuss the blood test results.  As per usual, the nurse walks me in, takes my blood pressure, checks my pulse and asks the regular questions.  She awkwardly departs while saying that the doctor would be in in just a couple of minutes.

A minute later, the doctor walks in.  He greets me with a handshake like usual and says, "Hey.  Before we go any further, I just want to say that we will only be discussing your health on this visit.  I am in a bind for time and your blood results are pretty cut and dry."  I agree and then the first thing he does is ask, "So how are the wife and kids?''

I don't say a thing.  He made it abundantly clear that we were only going to discuss my health.  Again he asks, "So, how are the wife and kids?"  Again, I say nothing.  He taps me on the shoulder and says, "Can you hear me?" I nod yes.  "Are you going to answer the question' he asks.  I said, "I thought you said we were only going to discuss my health?''

He turned his back on me, sat his stethoscope down and took off his lab coat.  He dropped the lab coat on the ground and gave me this dejected look.  He opened the door and left the building.  I think he quit.  If he didn't give it up altogether, I bet he is finished with me.  That's kind of sad.... not so much that he quit but more along the lines that he never answered my question.  Do beans have tits?