The Intercom:

When I graduated high school, I was unsure of where I was going and what I was going to do.  Kind of like now, but I knew that I needed a better job.  So like any good minion, I went off in search of a better job that would allow me to make more money and pay more taxes.

I found one such job working in a warehouse.  I liked everything about the job.  Even the hiring process was a hoot.  I walked in, asked for an application and was instead waltzed into one of the bosses offices for an interview.

The man behind the desk was dressed business casual and said, "We're looking for an FNG who can do anything."  Then he asked, "Are you in?"  I looked at the man.  "I don't know what an FNG is sir, but I am trainable, reliable and ready to go to work as soon as I get hired."  He said, "You don't know what an FNG is?"  I shook my head and said "No."

He stood up, held his hand out and said, "Then you'll be perfect for the job.  We start off at $6.00 an hour, the hours are from 8-5 with a paid lunch hour, weekends off and holiday pay.  Can I count on you?"  I stood up, shook his hand and said, "I'm your guy."  I had no clue what I was getting into.

He asked, "Can you start Monday?"  I replied, "I'll start now if you need me to."  "Nope" he said, "Monday is great.  Get here about 30 minutes early for paperwork and I'll show you what you are going to be doing."  I thanked him and rushed back to mom's house to give her the good news.

Mom was pretty excited.  $6.00 an hour was pretty good cabbage back in those days.  She asked "What are you going to be doing there?"  I said, "I'm not sure but I got hired into the FNG department."

Monday rolls around and I show up for work 30 minutes early like I was asked too.  I filled out some paperwork and the boss came and grabbed me and showed me around and introduced me as the "FNG".  Here I was thinking FNG was a department but as it turned out, it was a position.  I took me about another 10 minutes of walking around and being introduced to people that FNG stood for "Fucking New Guy".

Anyhow, the boss turns me over to this other guy.  He shakes my hand and asked me if I knew the alphabet.  Then he takes me to this storage facility that was nothing but shelves and miscellaneous boxes.  "Your first job is to take all of this stuff off of the shelves, clean the shelves and then alphabetize these boxes according to the business name or last name on the shipping label."  I said, "I'm on it" and got to work.

It took me an hour to get everything out of the room.  As I was cleaning the shelves, I noticed what appeared to be an intercom.  It was a little box with a toggle switch and a speaker.  I decided that I would leave space to get to the intercom, just in case anyone needed to get to it.

There I was, alphabetizing all of these boxes and trying to make sense of it all.  Every time I looked at the intercom device, I wondered how often the intercom was used.  Just about then, my boss walked in to check on me.  I asked him "Is there an intercom system here?"  "No" he said and then asked "Why?".  I said, "I don't know.  In case someone is looking for someone or something like that."  He shook his head and said, "No, we don't have anything like that.  Everyone seems to know where everyone else is.  If we need you or you need us, someone will come get you."  I felt that was a reasonable response and just went back to work.

The next day I was working in the shipping and receiving department.  I had a load of boxes on a cart that had to be taken to where I was working the previous day.  I dragged the cart down there and began to work the new packages into the system and pulling other boxes that needed to be re-shipped.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see that intercom device.  I walked over to it, pressed the toggle switch and the music that was playing throughout the warehouse stopped.  I panicked, said "shit" which was promptly broadcast throughout the building.  Yep, it was indeed an intercom.

I heard some laughter.  I heard some folks asking what the "S-bomb" was all about, and I somehow knew that I would be developing a relationship with my new found friend, the intercom.  The relationship started off slowly, just like most relationships do.  If I was in that part of the warehouse undetected, I would flip the switch and say something like "Good Morning too all of the folks in shipping and receiving."

This morphed into be disguising my voice and saying random things like, "Ethel Harris, blue line please... Ethel Harris, blue line."  Now, I got to thinking I was pretty funny.  #1.  I didn't know an Ethel Harris, but was pretty sure there wasn't a blue line or an Ethel Harris in the building.  #2.  Nobody knew where this stuff was coming from.

Pretty soon, I was saying something 2-3 times a day.  Random shit like, "Price check on register 4" or "Bob to the paint department please... Bob, paint department."  I couldn't believe that I was the only person that knew about this, so I kept it up.

It got to the point that I would spend my lunch hour near the intercom if I had no other business in that area of the warehouse.  I would broadcast things like radio station tag lines.  "92.3 KOMP" and "Clean up on isle 2.  Randy, bring a mop and a bucket."  The funny thing here was, there was a guy named Randy and he went off in a panic.  He walked up to the main office and asked if they were looking for him.

The secretary said, "No, were not looking for you."  Randy said, "Someone came on the intercom and said that there was a clean up on isle 2 or something, asked for me specifically and said to bring a mop."  The secretary said, "We don't have an intercom, we don't have an isle 2 and we don't have any kind of a clean up situation that would require you personally or a mop.  Go back to work."

It was then and only then that I knew I was in love with the intercom.  I couldn't spend enough time around her.  As I mentioned, I was spending my lunch hour with her when I could.  I even altered how I came into the building because of her.  I'd stop in and say something like "Red shirt, line 1' and then giggle my ass off when I heard people say, 'What in the fuck is a red shirt and where are the phones in this joint."

This shit went on for about a year and each time I did something, I thought it was funnier than the previous time.  Still, nobody was on to me and my work relationship with the intercom.  Everybody was talking about the intercom system, but nobody really knew it existed.  At some point, I had gone too far and shortly after some random broadcast, the bosses swept through the building as asked us all to attend an employee meeting during lunch.

Nobody had a clue as to what the meeting was about, but rumors where swirling around.  "They are going to fire us all and shut down" was one rumor.  "We've been bought out by another company and things are going to change' was another popular rumor.

Come lunch time, we all gathered in the front part of the warehouse, just outside of the offices.  The big boss, the guy who hired me thanked everyone for dropping what they were doing and taking the time to come listen to what needed to be said.  "Okay" he stated.  "Apparently there is an intercom device in this building that I didn't know anything about.  Someone keeps using the intercom device to page people to the front office, announce radio station call lines and make random bullshit statements.  I want everyone to know, I will find out who this person is.  I will also find out where the microphone is and I will have it dismantled."

He looked around the room at each of us with a stern look upon his face.  "If anyone wants to fess up now, go ahead.  If you would be more comfortable talking about this in private, please come see me in my office.  Nobody is going to be fired over this but I am sick and tired of wayward employees showing up to the office for a clean up on isle 2 or a price check on register 4.  Initially, I thought you people were all going nuts.  We can't hear this intercom in the offices and I thought you people were out of your minds.  Then I thought it was kind of funny and I'll admit that I do like a good joke.  But, enough is enough with the god damned intercom.  Someone please step forward.  Thank you for your time, and now get back to what you were doing."

I look around the room as people are disbursing and try to mimic the same expressions they had on their faces.  The boss seemed pretty serious.  If I didn't go confess, I would at least have to break up with the intercom.  I wasn't sure if I could do it.  So as I walked back to the department I was working in, another kid said, "Who is doing this?"  I said that I didn't know but was going to talk to the boss about it.

I turned around and walked up to the front of the building.  The boss was outside of the office, smoking a cigarette just outside the front door.  I walked up and said, "Hey, do you have a minute?"  He said, "For you FNG, I have all the time in the world.  What's up?"  He seemed calm, cool and collected... or maybe he was plotting something.. I didn't know.  I said, "I think I know something about the intercom situation."

He shook his head in disbelief.  "You're shitting me?' he said.  "No, I'm not sir.  I know something about the situation" I stated very matter of fact.  "I gave that talk and within 5 minutes we are going to put an end to this bullshit" he asked.  "Yes sir, I think we are.  Would you follow me to the back of the warehouse" I asked.  He slapped me between the shoulder blades and said, "Lead the way, young man" and off we went.

No talking at this point.  Just walking.  And everyone we encountered, looked at me like I was a dead man walking.  I pointed to a hallway on my left and we went around the corner.  I opened the door to the storage room and pointed to the intercom device.  "There it is" I said.  "How did you find it" he asked, then asked "When did you find it?"

"I found it on my first day here within an hour of being here.  The first task I took on was to straighten out this room and there it sat.  I asked one of the other bosses about an intercom and he said we didn't have one.  Curiosity got the better of me so I pressed the button one day.  The music quit, I said shit and it broadcast throughout the building."  He looked at me and then looked at the intercom.  He looked at me again and then at the intercom.

"This little thing goes throughout the building" he asks.  I said, "Yeah, I guess so."  He then asked, "Was it fun" as he cracked a big smile.  "Yeah, pretty much.  I apologize."  He shook my hand and thanked me for my honesty and helping him get to the bottom of the problem as fast as I did.  Then he said, "Can you do it again?"  I was kind of shocked.  The meeting seemed to be a pretty big deal and now he is asking me to do it again.  He nodded and pushed me towards the thing and said, ''Ask Bob Hartwell to do something... go ahead... do it!''  I pressed the button and in my big fake radio announcer voice said, "Bob Hartwell to automotive please, Bob Hartwell to automotive."

The boss cracked up.  "How do you come up with this shit?  It's hilarious!  Automotive???"  He busted up laughing for at least 2 minutes.  It was "knee slapping" laughter.  He thought this shit was the funniest stuff he had ever heard of.  Tears were rolling down his cheek.

He gained his composure and said, "Come with me.  We gotta go find Bob.  Do you think he is looking for the automotive department?" and he started laughing again.  He has his hand on my shoulder and just kept laughing.  We looked for Bob but couldn't find him, so we march into the office.  This dude was still laughing.

The boss points me to his office and we walk through the door.  I figured I was still going to get fired.  "You are a funny fucking guy!  Can we keep this shit a secret, just between you and me.  I want to do it too."  I smiled and said, "Yes sir.  Whatever you want to do.  I am good with any of it."  He said, "Tell nobody.  This needs to remain top secret.  Help me come up with a reason for me to be back there so I can do it."  I said, "You're the boss, sir.  You do whatever you want to do."  He thanked me, then threw me out of his office. 

"Get back to work.  Just you and me, right?  Nobody else knows." I nodded my head and opened the door to walk out.  Just as I tried to thank him for his time and being so lenient he said, "Do me a favor.  Go to the intercom and page Bob Hartwell again.  Tell him to come to the office.  This is going to be great." The boss followed me out of the office and took a seat in the reception area in order to hear the call.  About 2 minutes later, I said  "Bob Hartwell, to the office please... Bob, to the office."

I don't know if Bob ever made it to the office.  I do know that the boss used the intercom a couple of times himself and seemed to get a kick out of it.  For me, the fun of this prank was over.  It was kind of like your girlfriend in Jackson Hole.  You never really lose your girlfriend in Jackson Hole, you just lose your turn.  I'm sure the boss loved her as much as I did.