"The Jack-Mormon 500!"

Ladies and Gentleman,

"That was our National Anthem, performed by the Smoot Shiny Kazoo Quartet and brought to you by a half smoked pack of Camel lights!  Thanks for tuning into the Western Wyoming Sports Channel.  My name is Rip Biffler and I'll be calling the race today with my good friend, color commentator and part time Teton County School District Janitor, Chip Randy!"

Chip:  "Thanks Rip, and as usual, I am glad to be here on this beautiful, February morning! I am super excited for what should turn out to be a good race!"

Rip:  "This is indeed a great morning for the daily race from Star Valley Wyoming into Jackson's Hole.  Listen, before we get into today's race line up, we have our man on the track, Lincoln County's own unofficial representative from the DOT, Ed.  Hey Ed, can you give us an update on the track conditions today?"

Ed:  "Yep....."

Rip:  "Ed, are you still with us?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Are you going to give us an update on the track conditions?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Go ahead, Ed... we don't have all day..."

Ed:  "Well, its kind of the same thing every day.  Probably some ice in a few spots.  Pot holes are starting to hatch.  Plenty of gravel on the roads to break some windshields.  Probably some elk and or deer available to ruin a few front ends.  The High Way Patrol hasn't been out too much lately, so I expect to see some really shitty driving!"

Rip:  "Thanks Ed.  So Chip, let me ask you a question as a daily racer.  What do you expect to see today?

Chip:  "Well Rip, it's a packed field today with all of the usual suspects.  I expect the Evan's Construction Chevy Pick up truck to make a few aggressive passes just after Alpine Junction to take the early lead headed into the canyon.  I suspect the white late model Toyota 4 Runner to be up to his usual tricks, tail gating, running with his high beams on the entire distance and passing in every no passing zone.  As Ed said, the track is in its usual shape for this time of year so who knows what kind of bullshit high jinx we are in for."

Rip:  "Let's not forget the old white 4 door sedan driven by the lady who has too many dogs!  She is in the mix up every day, Chip.  She hasn't a clue as to what she is doing on the road.  I've never seen such a clueless shitbag trying to drive and feed her 11 dogs a half of a bologna sandwich but she is out there, every day causing grief and dissention.  Let's also not forget the Teton Motors Loaner car.  It's on the track nearly every day driven by a different driver!  You're never quite for sure what kind of a junk show you will run into there!"

Chip:  "Valid point about the dog lady!  She feeds the dogs a sandwich, smokes a cigarette and almost always throws the butt into the back seat and starts some kind of a dumpster fire.  Not sure how she keeps that equipment on the track."

Rip:  "From the looks of her quarter panels, Chip... she doesn't do too good of a job."

Chip: "Touche` my good man!  Touche`!  Well Rip, it looks like we are about ready to race!"

Rip:  "As you know Chip, the field is at least 1,000 drivers strong, so we wont be able to actually name them all but we will do our best to get to the best of them, but first... a word from our sponsor.

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Rip:  "Thanks to the good folks over at KJ's.  Have you ever tried their coffee?  It's loaded with caffeine and will have you shaking like a cat shitting a peach seed.  Get you a cup before heading up the canyon!  Now, its time for the daily line up.....  Starting in the #1 and #2 positions are the plow trucks.  In the #3 position we have the 35mph Toyota pick up guy.  In the #4 position we have old Ford truck guy who probably needs some kind of a carb adjustment... smells like he is running a little rich every day.  In the #5 position we have the guy who drives the length of the canyon with his blinker on.  In the #6 position we have the lady who used to work at the Dollar Tree.  In the #7 position we have the guy driving the cement pump truck.  In the #8 position we have the Jenkins Lumber delivery truck.  From there back a couple of positions we have a few yahoos, idiots and assholes.  Back in the #25 spot we have the guy who hits his brakes way too often, for no good god damned reason at all followed by the old black dodge flat bed pick up truck.  He'll be followed by some more idiots including the lady with too many dogs, the Century Link truck and the Dudley's.

Chip:  Rip, if I an interrupt for a minute.  The Dudley's are driving the little car today.  It gets better gas mileage and that will allow them to stop in at Hoback Junction so Mr. Dudley can get a can of chew.  Nice little car, I believe its a foreign job and probably gets 30 miles per gallon or so, fully equipped with a tiny 4 cylinder motor and a fucking thing that beeps every time they get too close to the center line.  Totally aggravating when you're behind the wheel!  If Brice is driving today, he will for sure be getting an ear full from the beeper and the misses.... Good luck to them!

Rip:  Great point, Chip.  That beeping thing is aggravating!  You can almost hear the F-Bombs flying out the drivers side window.  The word is, that little car does have seat heaters though and it keeps everyone's ass warm on these cold mornings.  Maybe that will be helpful this morning.

Chip:  Rip, who else do we have in the line up?

Rip:  From this point on Chip, it's a hodge podge mixture of the usual suspects.  Carpenters, teachers, plumbers, HVAC guys, the dude who used to play guitar on the town square that used sticks to dig coins out from between the cracks in the boardwalks during the summer time, a few cops and Teton County Sheriff Deputies will be in the mix, the High Country Linens box truck and the one guy who missed the turn to Idaho Falls!  It's going to be another exciting day of racing, Chip and we are moments away from the starting flag!

Chip:  This is just in, Rip.  Summer residents Tim and Judy Sharp from Valdosta, Florida are in town today but will not be racing.  It appears as if the Sharps either have the Corona virus or got food poisoning from some truck stop sushi in Rock Springs yesterday.  Both folks have a fever, the chills and hostile diarrhea.  Nobody in Lincoln county knows what the Corona virus really is and frankly, nobody gives a shit either.  We all know we don't want it, so keep your asses on lock down, Tim and Judy!

Rip:  Ive just been told that they waved the flag 3 minutes ago when the Evans Construction guy came flying out Star Valley Ranch to take the lead!  He's being followed by the guy who used to stutter that worked at the movie theater!

Chip:  That guy is cool.  Gave me free popcorn once.  He also told me that they used only real sea salt on their popcorn.

Rip:  That's probably why its so addicting!  I always get that big ass bucket of popcorn, myself.

Chip:  Heavy on the butter?

Rip:  I drink that fake butter, Chip.  My colon is cleaner than the Bishops driving record!  It's something else!

Chip:  Well, I'll have to take your word on that.  I will not be doing any kind of an investigation.

Rip:  I appreciate that, Chip.  Hey!  Don't look now but the Pocatello Sod truck just turned into the canyon from the junction!  He's empty.... what in the hell is he doing here this time of year?

Chip:  Great pass move around the 35 mile per hour Toyota truck guy!  of course everyone will be passing that idiot!  But behind him is the guy in the green Subaru with the broken tail light!  He's been racing up the canyon for the last 3 years and has somehow managed to not get popped for that tail light!  That's one of the better stories happening here today, Rip!

Rip:  I agree.  I think I once got a ticket from the highway patrol because I thought I had a broken tail light.  Those troopers are something else, Chip.  Sneaky bastards, using the pull outs as places to hide. 

Chip:  They are... They are...  Rip, it looks like the guy who used to work for the Chamber of Commerce down in Kemmerer is making a few aggressive passes in a no passing zone.  He's not a regular driver but I'd guess his coffee and bran muffin are starting to do their job and he is looking for a little relief!

Rip:  He'll play hell looking for relief there, as he just passed the Wolf Creek Camp Ground!

Chip:  I think you're right, Rip.  The good news is, he has that 87 Jeep Cherokee with the broken ski rack running in top condition.  He'll need that in order to come into Hoback Junction and claim a stall in the Hoback Market bathroom!

Rip:  We now have them running 3 wide at the blue Cliffs!

Chip:  3 wide with the white 4 runner guy trying to take the inside lane!

Rip:  How is he managing to do that there on this track today?

Chip:  I think he is going to try to take advantage of the upcoming potholes at Taco Hole, Rip.  If he plans this right, he can force the rusty 2 door sedan to back off a little and then overtake the guy from the auto parts store on the straight away!

Rip:  Fantastic bullshit driving today so far, Chip!  I've never seen such bullshit!

Chip:  Oh, you need to move down to Alpine, Rip.  Living in that east Jackson condo with 7 room mates has spoiled you on the commute.  What do you guys pay for rent over there, Rip?

Rip:  Each one of us pays $1600 a month and its a bonus for me because I get to sleep in the broken shower stall.  Beats that commute anyday!  This just in... it appears as if there is some kind of quagmire near the Elbow.  Lets go live to Ed at the elbow.  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Yep....

Rip:  What can you tell us about the quagmire, Ed?

Ed: ..........

Rip:  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Huh?

Rip:  Are you there at the Elbow?  What's going on?

Ed:  I found a bag of Wendy's trash at the side of the road.  I think everyone thought it was one of those big ass snow clods off of a semi.  Turns out, there is a half eaten chicken nugget in there that looks pretty good.  It does have some ketchup on it and I am kind of impartial to ketchup.

Rip:  Is it really affecting the traffic?

Ed:  The ketchup?

Rip:  No, you fucking idiot!  The trash in the road.

Ed:  Oh, no.  I don't think so.  That was probably me.  I was standing in the road looking for a couple of fries to go with my half eaten chicken nugget.

Rip:  Jesus Christ, Ed.  No wonder why road rage is on the rise!

Chip:  Wendy's isn't an official sponsor.  We probably shouldn't mention their name.

Rip:  I'm good with that.  Can we not mention Ed either?  He must have gotten into the leaded paint chips as a kid, I'd guess.

Chip:  I don't know anything about that, but I do know that Ed was once married to his mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles next door neighbors sisters, brother.... Yeah, I think I got that right.

Rip:  Speaking of sponsors, Chip... I think we need to mention the guy who makes all of the shitty re-tread tires that come apart in the canyon all year long!  He sucks!  And to the guys who keep pissing in milk jugs and throwing them out along the road, nice work!  Nothing like jugs of rancid piss!

Chip:  Well, Rip, its been an exciting race day so far.  Nobody is in the ditch yet.  Most of the commute is over for most people and at least half of the drivers have already punched the time clock at their respective jobs!

Rip:  That's another good point, Chip!  With the roads as dry as they are, speeds are up over the posted limit with the exception of 35 mph guy who just got into the canyon.  Everyone else is working diligently at their respective jobs.  Not that guy, though.

Rip:  Chip, I can't thank you enough for the color commentary.  Your professionalism and knowledge are unsurpassed.  It's always a privilege!

Chip"  Rip, thank you.

Rip:  This concludes our coverage of today's Jack Mormon 500.  We'd like to thank our sponsors... half pack of Camel lights, some jugs of piss, the empty Wendys bag and KJS.  Rip Biffler, signing off from the Teton County Transfer Station.   Thanks for driving like shit!