Good morning, good afternoon and or good evening! I hope all of you are having an enchanting day. For the first time in a long time, I got a full nights sleep but it wasn't without it's hiccups. I'll do what I can to make sense of all of this for you.
So, most of you know that I have a list of words that I can't stand. It's not much of a list as it consists of only 1 word. I'm betting you remember that word if you know me. I hope you do because I am going to try to get through this without saying "the word".
There is another word that made the list. It may be just as disgusting or worse, depending on it's use. Either way, it's filthy... we all know it, and it didn't strike me as disgusting until yesterday morning.
I tend to sleep with the TV on. If the house is too quiet, I can't sleep. I sit there and listen for something to go wrong all night. Why I do this, I'll never know but its what I do. So, I have the TV on and am fast asleep. Oh, I also talk in my sleep. Sometimes I wake myself up talking. That's a real treat. Other times the wife says, "I don't know who you were talking too, but they got an earful and so did I. Oh, and Adventure Dog apologizes for whatever you were hollering at him for."
Now, I don't know if this is a real issue. I've talked in my sleep for as long as I can remember. Actually, I kind of like this about me, talking shit when I'm asleep. Apparently I don't do enough of it when I am awake.
Shit, I got off track. Here we go. So I'm sound asleep. I woke myself up talking a time or two but managed to fall back to sleep without any issue. As I mentioned, the TV is on. I have learned that there are a few stations that I like that change their programming in the middle of the night. I might fall asleep watching some shit about history and at 2 am they change the programming to some asshole trying to sell some bullshit knife collections, and the sum bitch is yelling!
This was not the case night before last. After I woke myself up a couple of times, I checked the TV to be sure I wasn't going to be woken up by the yelling asshole and dozed back off to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, the "new word" comes to me in my sleep. Crotch... yep, crotch. Fucking yuck! Combine that with the other word "moist crotch" and you've got a big fucking problem. Crotch alone is bad enough, and this is the first thing that I think about when I wake up.
"Crotch.... crotch.... crotch..." I look at my bride who is sleeping peacefully and I begin to wonder if she didn't somehow bring this up while I was sleeping. She's an angel and she would do that because I do shit like that to her all of the time, but by just looking at her, I knew she was innocent. So, I begin my morning routine. Brush my teeth and all I can think about is some nasty ass, swamp ass crotch. Try and shave, rotten crotch. Hop in the shower, moist ass, swamp balls, rotten crotch. Why is this happening to me?
Get out of the shower and dry off. Apply a little deodorant to the pits and contemplate running the thing over my genitals because now I have a rotten crotch complex. I don't want my junk sitting around stinking all day, but I am also not going to use my pit deodorant for my junk! Comb my hair and all of this shit is running through my head. Why crotch??? Why? Where did it come from? I knew the word. Hell, I've probably used it a dozen or 2 times, but now I find the thing repulsive!
Why do we have to call that area a crotch? Why not something appealing? A French word, perhaps. I don't know. Villeux Voo.... (I'm pretty sure that's not a word.) How about something like "pretty" or "wonderful"? Nobody would ever want to kick you in the pretty where as everyone dreams of kicking someone in the crotch.
Imagine this mess of an individual, sitting at the end of a skanky bar. Wasted, smells like piss and bad cheese and is eating cigarette butts out of an ashtray because he thinks it is a basket of peanuts.... That is Crotch, and you immediately want to walk down there, read Crotch the riot act and then just fucking go ape shit on him. That's Crotch!
So now, this shit is swimming around in my head. I'm thinking, "I'm so mad at my crotch right now." I look down at it... sad mess of a thing, just hanging there for no good reason. It looks like a monkeys thumb wrapped in chicken skin. Fucking yuck!
I manage to get dressed and as I am about to kiss the wife goodbye, I figure out where this shit all came from. A commercial comes on. It's some big headed lady talking about a crotch deodorant, how to apply it and why this stuff is so great! Her words, not mine... "You take a pearl sized drop of ..... and your rub it between your cheeks..." My chin hit the floor. 4:45 am and this big headed ninnymuggins as trying to peddle ass perfume!
Again, her words not mine...."Random tests have proven that using our product over showing alone decreases your crotch odor 100 percent, and it works all day." Do you understand what that means? They paid someone to sit around and sniff asses all day, at different intervals... not washed ass, washed ass only, and washed ass with this product on it! WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON! Some people don't want jobs and yet someone applied and got this one!?!
Oh, and what's worse is, this big headed lady has invented a sound effect which she proudly uses for applying this shit to your junk! Yeah, complete with a sound effect. "Whuuuu". There might be a g-h in there. I don't know.
I hadn't had coffee yet, so this shit is just a swirling around in my head. I don't know this stinky ass lady but I do know that I hate her fucking guts!
What in the world is anyone doing, walking around and sniffin ass? What is anyone doing walking around with a stinky ass? Don't you clean that thing? I mean, a little soap, a little water and a little scrub-a-dub-dub.... We've made it as a species until day before yesterday without taint paint or whatever you want to call this shit.
And this isn't even the worst of it. Nope. I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few items. I walk around the corner and find some shit called "Nut Glaze" on the shelf! This shit is in the middle of the store, not in the frigging self care isle! Right there in all of its glory. Like making your nuts shiny is going to pretty the situation up....
I give. I just give up. Can we not use the word Crotch? That's all I'm asking. Can we not use that word on TV and in public?
Now I feel like I need a shower. Fucking gross.
