How is everyone doing? Long time no talk. I hope everyone is enjoying a wonderful fall. We are careening towards the end of fall and the start of winter. I used to actively hate winter. I finally got over that and just focused on how beautiful all of the other seasons are. Winter is beautiful too, it's just damn cold around these parts.
Anyhow, I come at you today with a story. I was listening to a much younger person talk about his wife's pregnancy (the first) and the guy was asking for parenting advice. I didn't offer anything up. I just sat there and thought about the time my wife and I were having kids.
I'll be the first to tell you, I didn't know jack shit about raising children. I asked my parents for some information, not knowing that they didn't know shit either. Maybe that is obvious when you look at me.
So what I did relate to the party mentioned above is, "Take what your parents did. Keep the good stuff and jettison the bad stuff. Everything else, remain flexible." I think that is totally reasonable advice, but perhaps a little vague. Vague because every child birth, every child being raised has different things to consider.
Now, back to me and my attempt at raising children. First of all, thank goodness for my bride and the mother of my children. Without her, the group of us Dudley boys would have been a soup sandwich. She reeled me in and always made sure that we were a unified force.
I had to make this as simple as possible, for me. Not her. She had great maternal instinct and was a good momma bear. I figured my spot in the equation was, support the family in every way possible. It was crucial that I not ruin these little fellers and at the same time not raise a couple of turds.
Some of you know my kids. Neither is a turd, but both possess turd like qualities at times. After all, they are mine. What did you expect? I think both of my kids have too big of a heart for their own good, but I love that. They are considerate of other people and try to be good people in their own right.
So, in preparation for having kids, I went to lamaze classes. I didn't learn shit. I heard what child birth could be like and I learned what was likely going to be necessary of me on those days. The lamaze classes only went so far. I had a buddy in the class at the same time we were in. I did listen a little bit, but I wanted to make him laugh as well. Both families, first child and everything came out right. Kids were born happy and healthy. My friend and his bride managed to figure it all out and so did the Dudleys.
Little Roger was born. There are many stories about this day, June 2, 1994. I can't get into all of them right now. I don't have the time or the space in this blog. My man Rog shows up. We did such a great job with him at the point so we decided to have another. October 10, 1996 my other son Wade was born. Again, many stories about that day, we just aren't going to get into them now.
Both kids were a little different. It was my job to be adaptable. I sometimes had to adjust how I dealt with each child in different circumstances. Something that works for one might not work for the other. That was often the case around the Dudley ranch.
The wife was way better than I was with this. Way better. All I kept thinking about was, "raise good people". I wanted to be a fair dad. Strict in most circumstances but fair at the same time.
Fast forward about 5 years. Things are going great! We are having challenges but are meeting them head on. One way or another, I knew we could come out better on the other side.
I had the day off. Roger went to kindergarten that morning while Wade stayed home with me. He had an ear infection or something. (Ear infections were chronic with this kid.) Naturally, the boy isn't feeling well, so he is in a bit of a mood. He doesn't feel good. And by the way, this is my "why' kid.
"Why" kids always have to ask "why". Anything happens, he wants to know why. Once this shit starts happening, it is a constant. "Why" gets asked 100 times a day at a minimum. Most of these "whys" were reasonable. Others, not so much but I always tried to deliver an answer that made sense to them.
Anyhow, sick kid... he's in a mood. It started off with breakfast. "Hey buddy, what do you want for breakfast?" He couldn't make up his mind, so I began to offer a litany of things that we had on hand. "Would you like scrambled eggs and cheese?" "No." "Okay, would you like cinnamon toast and some milk?" "No." "How about pancakes?" "No." "What about oatmeal?' Again, no.
He finally settled on something, but all day was going this way. After breakfast I said, "Let's go get your dressed. Do you want to wear jeans?" "No." "Oh, do you want to wear your track suit?" "No." "All righty, what about some sweats and a hoodie?" You guessed it, "No."
By this point in the day, I have been shut down on everything I offered and we only came to a compromise on breakfast. My patients was beginning to wear short. So, I decided to do what I always do in a pinch. Try to be funny in order to defuse a situation.
"Do you want to wear a pile of old cat hair?" "No." "How about a couple of grocery bags?'' "No." Keep in mind, I have chosen this route in an attempt to preserve my sanity. I mean, I am out of options at this point and the kid just ain't biting.
"How about a pair of my underwear?" "No." "Well, were about out of options there, big guy. You've got to choose something." Silence.... "Do you want a knuckle sandwich?" "What's that" he asks. "Well, you can't really "wear"one but you can be issued one. We aren't doing that." "Why?' "Good grief kid... You have to get dressed! We've got to go to the doctor and you cannot go in your underwear, Wade!" He stands there looking at me.
He starts towards his bedroom. I cannot let him do this on his own. This kid would have worn his parka for a pair of pants. For the sake of family, I couldn't allow that. Funny time is over. I grab a shirt, a clean pair of underwear and a pair of pants. His words to me, "I don't like that."
I sat there. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. We haven't had this issue before. Patience isn't my strong point, but I can't lose my shit on this 4 year old. So out of the blue I say, "Do you want the Choppy-Choppy?' He stared at me. He didn't say a word. He put on his underwear backwards. I allowed it. I thought the doctor could get a kick out of that. He gets his pants on, shirt on, shoes on and we hit the door. All of a sudden, I have this compliant child. I wasn't even aware of what I said or did, but its working... (Do not mess this up! Were on a roll!)
Here's the thing. I don't know what the "Choppy-Choppy" is. And at this point it doesn't matter. He didn't want it either, but he was dressed. We made the appointment. Another round of antibiotics. We get home and all is well.
Unbeknownst to me, Wade asked his mom what the "Choppy-Choppy" was. DeeDee said, "Oh, daddy was just trying to get you ready for the doctors appointment. The "Choppy-Choppy" doesn't exist."
For a week or two, I don't hear another thing about the old "Choppy-Choppy". Then out of nowhere, we are having a crisis with the older boy, Roger. He's being defiant and Wade isn't helping. Brothers... they are working each other into some kind of toddler frenzy. Wade chimes in, "Dad, are you going to give him the Choppy-Choppy". I smiled and said, "Yeah, I might."
(Each one of my kids may have been spanked once at this point. We never needed spankings. We always worked shit out.)
I looked at Roger and said, "Well, keep messing around and you're going to get the Choppy-Choppy." All Roger knew was, he didn't want that either so he went about doing whatever was necessary at the time, we got our collective shit together and salvaged what was left of the evening.
Through the years, I used the term "Choppy-Choppy" randomly. Keep in mind, I don't know what the fuck the Choppy Choppy is. All I know is, it produced results. It was tried and true and it worked with both kids. DeeDee went as far as to ask me what it was. I had no answer. I told her the story about where it came from. "So nobody knows what the Choppy Choppy is" she asked? "Naw, nobody and I made the shit up!" Well, that was my thing. Momma had ways to get the kids on board with whatever was happening. She didn't need the Choppy.
At some point, the Choppy-Choppy became useless. I think I got the term from "Chop-Chop", like "hurry up". We go years and years without the Choppy Choppy. In fact, I had forgotten all about the damned thing. We had newer, better communication skills that we used with great effectiveness.
Now, I said all of that shit to get to this point. We have always had an open relationship with our kids. We don't lie. We don't have secrets. We know that it is just best to tell the truth and try to be good little campers. The boys learned that some things are mom's to handle and some things are dad's to handle, and getting handled was momma and daddy Dudley's thing!
Wade was in college. He came home for Christmas or something. Somehow, some way, he brings up "Choppy-Choppy". As a young adult, he still thought the Choppy-Choppy was a real thing. (This is why you can't put that shit in a child's head.) We ended up having a family laugh over the matter. I explained the whole story of that day to Wade in hopes of him seeing my frustration during the heat of the moment... He kind of did. He admitted that he would have been frustrated too but insisted that the Choppy-Choppy was a real thing.
Now, I have to look my adult child in the face. "Son, I am sorry for the Choppy-Choppy. I don't even know what in the hell that is. To your credit, it does sound scary and I apologize sincerely for that. I had no idea that would have occupied that much room in your head for as long as it did. I love you and I don't ever want anyone to get the Choppy-Choppy no matter what it is."
We had a good laugh. (Also keep in mind, these two children thought that the neighborhood owl was a guy in the yard hooting in an attempt to draw them out of the house while I was asleep and axe murder them.)
So... here it is. My best advice for raising kids. DO NOT OFFER THEM SHIT LIKE THE "CHOPPY-CHOPPY". Everything else will fall into place.
