Cuisine

Hey!  Happy New Years Eve!  I hope everyone has some kind of plans tonight. I have no plans, but that in and of itself is a plan.  I am going home, eating dinner and then going to bed probably between 9 and 9:30.  After 20 years in the bar business, that is my type of party.  

Anyhow, I come at you this morning with a weird story.  Just yesterday I heard from an old friend from my Las Vegas days.  I have been out of Vegas now for 38 years, so we are going back.  My friend tracked me down and apologized for something that I forgot even happened.

I went to Los Angeles to see this buddy of mine.  This was perhaps a little ill planned on my behalf.  I didn't tell this friend that I was coming down.  Not to worry though as I had everything else planned out.  He was recently married, so instead of staying with them I just booked a motel room.  I was going to spend a little time on the beach and just poke around Southern California for a couple of days.

This is where the whole thing goes awry.  After driving around L.A. for a few hours, I ended up finding my lodging accommodations.  It wasn't a name brand motel.  In fact, it was called the Mo'Tell and it wasn't exactly in L.A.  Let's say it was "L.A. adjacent".  

I tried to call my friend.  I got his answering machine so I left him a message.  "Hey dumbass!  I'm in L.A.  Come get me and show me around."  I also gave him the information about how to contact me and I then sat around and waited for his return call.

4 hours later, still no return call.  I was starting to get hungry.  I was thinking about going downtown.  I had a craving for some Asian food.  I sat around for another hour or so and decided that I was going to have to eat without my friend and his new bride.  I walked up to the Mo'Tell office and asked for the best Asian food in the area.  

This guy in the office (I don't think he even worked there) told me, "Asian, like Chinese or Japanese?"  I replied, "Yeah or maybe Indian."  He said, "Like Indian frybread?"  I said, "No, not really but frybread is kick ass.  I'm looking for maybe some noodles or perhaps some sushi."  He said, "Oh, yes.  You have to go to Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Asian Cuisine."  I just stared at him.  Right about the time I was going to ask if he were serious he nodded very convincingly.  "Yeah, go right out of the parking lot and travel about 2 miles.  You'll see 2 strip malls right next to each other.  You'll also see a building that looks like a sombrero.  That is the place."

I was 21 at the time.  I had been bullshitted a lot by that age and I'll be damned if this didn't smell the same way.  Again, he nodded and pointed to the right and said again, "2 miles, look for the 2 strip malls and the building that looks like a sombrero.  That's the place."

By this point, I am starving.  I figured that I would run into a burger joint or something on the way and that would have to be good enough.  Nope... 2 miles, no food joints anywhere!  Then I see the 2 strip malls.  I whip and and instinctively turn left and there she was...  "Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Asian Cuisine" all in a sombrero shaped building.  I couldn't help but laugh, but I figured the guys convincing head nod and dead on directions to the place just couldn't be wrong.

As I walked up to the front door a gentleman opened the door and invited me in.  The place smelled wonderful.  He said, "Would you like to dine with us this evening?"  I said, "Are you Maury?"  He stared at me.  I asked, "This is Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Asian Cuisine, isn't it?  He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity.  He said, "Right this way please."

I mean, I followed the guy.  I was hungry man and the food smelled great!  I was seated in the corner.  As I looked about, I noticed about every ethnicity I could think of represented within this places clientele.  The host told me, "Your waiter will be over in a minute."

I looked over the menu.  Some of this stuff I had never heard of.  "Motzo Dumplings"  "Gilfelte Sushi or Sushimi" were the first 2 offerings. I scratched my head as my waitress arrived.  The waitress said, "Have you made an erection?"  No, you read that right... "Have you made an erection?"  I said, "God no, lady.  I'm hungry and horny."  She started tapping on the menu and locked eyes with me while saying, "This one, erection.  This one, erection.  This one erection."

It then dawned on me that she was most likely asking if I made a selection.  I hadn't because I didn't know what any of this stuff was.  I looked around the room.  There was a family just to my left.  The gentleman was eating a big bowl of noodles.  I asked, "What is that?"  The waitress said, "That is Maury's Special."  I said, "Just give me that."

The food came out and it was FANTASTIC!  I don't know what it was that I was eating.  I don't know if it was Kosher.  It didn't matter.  I finished, payed my tab and headed back to the Mo'Tell.  When I got there, I found out that my room had been re-rented.  The owner thought I left.  He had my bag in the office.  I said, "Sir, there is someone in my room."  He said, "Did you go to Maury's?".  I answered, "Yeah, but what about my room?"  He pointed at a sign that said, "NO REFUNDS" and it was signed at the bottm.  "Maury Applebaum".  

He gave me my money back.  I found a Howard Johnson's on the way closer to the beach.  I stayed there 2 nights calling my friend.  He never got back to me.  That is what made him look me up most recently.  Apparently the Mo'Tell and Maury Applebaum's World Famous Jewish Infused Cuisine are long gone.  That, or as my friend said, "You got roofied".  

I probably got roofied.

The Secret to a Long and Successful Marriage:

A much younger man who recently got married came to me for marriage advice.  Yeah, I know.  Why in the hell would he do that?  To my credit (and certainly the credit deserves to be with my wife) I have been married for 33 years.  So saying that I have been married most of my life is not a stretch.

Now, about the advice.  I don't know what makes a marriage work.  Again, my wife deserves most of the credit.  Decades ago, she married a 25 year old kid....  yeah, I said kid.  I thought farts were funny.  (I still do.)  I worked hard and played hard.  Maybe that's what drew her attention to me.  I thought beer was one of the 4 essential food groups.  (I still do but can't drink the way I used to.)  I could party all night and still get up and go to work.  

I don't know what makes a marriage work.  I think I know what makes mine work.  Mutual tolerance.  I know good and well that I do things that drive her up the wall.  30 something years in, I do what I can to mitigate these things or at least keep them at a tolerable level.  I give her a kiss every morning and night before going to bed and I let her know how much I love and appreciate her.  If she's cooking dinner, I'll creep in and smack her on the butt.  I smack her on the butt often.  I think she kind of likes it....  I could be wrong, but she always has her butt around to smack, so I let it rip.  

We don't fight.  We just don't.  We have had maybe 3 fights.  One lasted a while.  I learned about "communication".  For a long time, I thought communication was just talking.  Neither she or I are ever short on words.  She's a good listener.  I am a good "hearer".  I had to learn that there is indeed a difference between "listening" and "hearing".  (I paid money to learn the damned difference and as per usual, I was wrong.)  

We do "fake fight".  I do this thing.  I have this fake voice that she knows is supposed to be her. I'll pretend to be her saying things she probably wouldn't say, at least without provocation. "Oh yeah buddy.  Nice job taking the trash out" when I forget to take the trash out.  She just stares at me.  I use the voice often.  She in return uses her voice of me, imitating her saying things she thinks I would say.  

Bed covers.  God damn.  We've been beefing over the bed covers since we met, I think.  It's never serious beef.  And sometimes I throw that stupid voice in, just to heat her up a little.  "Oh yeah buddy, nice job stealing all of the covers and then putting the lock down on the comforter with that python grip."  

See, what she doesn't know is, I am on to this shit.  Her beef isn't legit.  She will roll over in the night, bringing her covers with her.  After she sticks her ice cold ass in my ribs to warm up (while I am fast asleep, mind you).  After her ass gets warm in my ribs or arm pit, she rolls back over and just leaves the covers...  and that's my fault.  She leaves them and it's my fault.  

So we do that.  I figure we can continue and fake fight about it or I can get my ass kicked for it and move into the garage.  The garage is nice but I don't have anything to sleep on out there.  So, I suck it up, kiss a little ass and then promptly blame her.  This is about the point where she breaks out the fake voice or the VOICE OF AUTHORITY!  She tries to lay down the law knowing that she is somewhat culpable and tries to make me believe her.  

We fake fight over her purses and bags.  Holy shit.  She has purses and bags like nobodies business.  Amelda Marcos had fewer shoes than my wife does bags.  This is not a joke.  Call and make an appointment and I'll show you her collection.  She has a purse, coin purse, 'clutch (whatever in the hell that is)', leather bags, leather purses, cloth purses, cloth bags....  

We were discussing the bag dilemma one day.  She says, "I don't need another bag.  I have plenty."   I agree.  She has a lot.  Then we will be in a store.  Any store.  Shit, it could be Home Depot or Harbor Freight and she will find a bag to look at.  She'll drape it over her shoulder, feel what the bag is made of and say, "If I had this, it would go with my new coat and I could use it for....."  The I say something like, "I thought we agreed that you have enough bags?"  She will quickly reply with, "Oh, I do.  But, if I had this bag, this is what I would wear with it and this is what the bags purpose is for."  

I didn't realize this, but she is making a case for purchasing the bag even though she doesn't need it.  As I "listen", I will say, "Please just get the damned bag."  Again, "No, I have plenty but this one could look good with either that Coach purse or that Vera Bradly bag I have."  Me:  "Get it.  Throw it in the cart."  Her:  "No, seriously... I don't need another bag.

We go to the next isle and she will find shit that she can make a bag out of.  She sews.  She'll see some canvas.  Oh, and she has to touch everything.  Then she will hit me with, "Will my sewing machine sew through this stuff?"  I'll answer, "Good grief lady.  I don't know how to sew.  I don't know what your sewing machine can and can't do.  Just get it."  She never does.  She swears that she won't ever buy another bag.  She does have to touch them all though and dream about all of her wardrobe and what shirt would go with what bag.  

Sometimes, but its rare, I will find a bag that I know is right up her alley.  I'll point it out to her.  Same thing happens. "Oooh, that would look nice with that shirt and it would look real good with...."  That will keep her talking for an hour.  I just let her go.

I mentioned Harbor Freight above.  She has never found a bag in Harbor Freight that she loves.  Nope.  What she likes about Harbor Freight is, she follows me around and uses her impression voice of me, touch everything and say shit like, "Oh I have to have 32 of these because I keep losing tape measures, pencils, clamps, lights, saws, ladders..."  Again, I have learned to just let her go.  

Now that I said all of that shit, I don't know why my marriage works.  It just does.  She's the yin to my yang.  Her strengths cover my weaknesses and I am around to be a punching bag.

Look, this is the best advice I can give anyone who wants to achieve a long and happy marriage.  Choose your battles.  Is anything that serious?  Choose your words and battles carefully and when that doesn't work, smack her on the butt or go buy her the last damned purse she talked about.

Tell each other and show each other that you love, honor and respect each other, no matter how big of an idiot you or she is.  Thank them and do this often.  They can pack their shit whenever they want.  They don't have to hang around.  Keep doing silly shit.  Laugh as often and as loud as you can together and at one another.  Laughter is the best therapy and our house has been full of laughs.

I'm no counselor.  I don't know what works, but I do know that doing the work pays off.  Keep trying shit until you find something that sticks.  Then that thing becomes the new thing.  Keep searching for new things.  Do new things.  Say new things.  Cook new things.  Strive to do better, be better.  

I hope you either found some humor or knowledge in this post.  I also hope that you have a wonderful new year full of new experiences.  Take care!