Help wanted:

On the way home yesterday, I saw something that I believe I need a little help with.  That being the case, I am reaching out to you.  I spent all night thinking about this, now its early in the morning and I need to get it out of my head.

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read, "Harley Davidson.  If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand."  Is the author of this statement trying to redo the way we do everything?  All of my life, when I didn't understand something, I asked questions.  Now, some pretentious, yuppie, weekend warrior asshole who trailers his bike everywhere he goes is going to try to change that, in the name of Harley Davidson, of course.

This is the type of asshole that I wish would invest in a "do it yourself" home explosives kit and just remove himself from the gene pool.  We're going to change the way we've been doing things for at least the last several hundred years because this functional illiterate doesn't have the vocabulary or the ability to explain why he has a Harley?



(By the way, this is also the type of asshole that demands that you "look out for bikers" and he rides like this....)

When I was growing up, I knew some bikers.  Real fucking bikers!  These guys main mode of transportation was their bike and they rode Harley's because they were reliable.  If not reliable, predictable and if and when something went wrong, they could fix it. 

I'm not talking about those guys.  They are authentic.  I'm talking about the kind of asshole that drags a $5000 dollar trailer that he bought used for $20,000, carrying a Harley that he bought brand new for $19,000 and put another $8000 dollars worth of shit on it that nobody else in the free market world would ever get caught putting on a motorcycle and dragging the whole dog and pony show behind an RV that costs in the neighborhood of $750,000.  That's the type of asshole I'm talking about.  Fix his bike?  This asshole can't fix a cheese omelette let alone a god damned motorcycle!  This guy, he wants to be different, just like 4 million other yuppies who are just like him, dress like him and don't shave for 3 days before dragging his shit show circus down the road to the next rally. 

To that guy with that bumper sticker, I hope you catch fire, asshole.  I'd rather masturbate with a barbed wire oven mitt than even know your name.  Take that fucking bumper sticker off your truck until you can explain why you have a Harley.  You don't deserve one.  You know, I didn't think you assholes could stick out any worse in a crowd, then I catch some of you wearing designer jeans with your brand new sleeveless denim Harley shirt.  Jesus Christ!  Stop already!  You don't look more like a biker.  You look more like a douche bag with some sparkly shit on it.  Just go away.  Start your own type of biker rally at a fucking day spa or something.  You and your rough and tumble crowd can get together and have a mani-pedi and talk about your investments.

For some reason, that rant reminded me of the "Baby on board" sign that soccer moms used to put in the back window of their mini-van.  I always wanted to say, "Baby on board?  Is that todays lunch special?"  I never got around to it.  Maybe while I am out shopping for that barbed wire oven mitt I'll get the chance.