News that really doesn't matter!

"Welcome to the 307 Live at 5 News.  News that doesn't matter from across the Cowboy State.  I'm Walter Scott.  In tonight's edition, we have breaking news from Yellowstone National Park.  We'll talk with Ned Jasperson, our reporter in the park about this developing story.  As well, meteorologist Stewart Giles will be here with the weather, Coach Allen will be here with sports that aren't really sports and I'll be reporting everything else that just doesn't matter."

"Now, for this breaking story in Yellowstone, we reach out to Ned Jasperson.  Ned, what do you have?"

(Ned speaks)

"Thanks Walter....  From where we're located, some 108 cars back from the incident, there appears to be a tour bus of Chinese tourists taking photos of a chipmunk or something else of lesser importance.  With me I have tourist Oliver Sprite from Canton, Ohio.  Oliver, is this your first trip to Yellowstone?"

"Ned, this is our first trip anywhere.  I don't know what in the hell is going on."

"There you have it, Walter.  Another tourist without a clue as to what is going on.  Back to you!"

(Walter's back)

"Thanks for the provocative story, Ned.  Next we are out to Opal, Wyoming where the Union Pacific Railroad appears to be doing some track repairs.  When asked if that was indeed what they were up to, Union Pacific Railroad representative on the scene, a gentleman only known as Jones said, "Yup."

"Next, we'll be on our way to Laramie but first a word from our sponsors."

(Commercial break)

"Hi folks.  I'm Chuck from Chucks Used Wash Cloths in Rock Springs, Wyoming.  Have you ever been traveling across the interstate and realized you were experiencing a "not so fresh feeling"?  No?  We'll why not?  There's no excuse for that.  Stop in at Chucks Used Wash Cloths.  We have used, dirty ass wash cloths fresh from a tuberculosis ward in the med west that were sued to swab dying patients mouths.  Wash your face with these and you're sure to be ill within 2-3 weeks.  We're letting those babies go for $1.00 a piece of 5 for $5 dollars.  We have a brand new shipment of used wash cloths that the haz-mat teams use to clean themselves off after cleaning up meth labs.  Who knows what kind of shit you'll catch when using these!  They come in various colors as well as various contaminates and we're letting them go in a block buster deal!  $2.00 dollars for a used lunch sack full of these gems.  Impress your friends.  These make great birthday or anniversary gifts!  That is $2.00 for a used lunch sack full of contaminated haz-mat rags.  Not exactly what you are looking for?  By special demand!  We have a brand new shipment of mixed wash cloths and hand towels that are saturated with miscellaneous body fluids from HIV patients and the inmates from the penal institution in Rawlins.  No telling what those guys have, and I repeat... these items are SATURATED in various body fluids!  This is a limited time special because of the high demand.  This is your opportunity to own one of these gems, but I'm not done yet.  We are offering these at a buy 1 get 1 free opportunity!  You heard me right!  Buy 1 get one free!  Impress your friends, and remember, with each purchase by pregnant women, we are throwing in a handful of nasty paper towels infected with the Zika virus!  So, come find us in the non-descript white creeper van with California license plates parked somewhere near the Satellite Lounge!  Chucks Used Wash Cloths, we'll get your ass sick!"

"Hi.  Everyone calls me Dale.  I don't know why, because my name is Trent.  Anyways, have you ever been traveling in the car, complaining about hunger but the old man keeps driving because he wants to get where you're going at any cost?  Everyone is grumpy.  Everyone is complaining at right near the point of a collective nervous break down, the old man pulls into a fast food joint so everyone can have a burger, fries, a Coke and a smile and get off his fucking case!  You walk in, place your order, have a seat and take your first bite... then it happens.  1 baby and a couple of 3 year olds start having a break down of their own, setting your family back near the brink of a stage 1 meltdown?  Have you?  Who hasn't?  I'll walk up and punch the shit out of those babies!  Everyone has thought about it but are afraid to do it.  Not me!  I've been to jail about 93 times for punching random infants and I ain't afraid to go back.  Who needs to be jacked with when you're hungry, tired, tired of being in the car and listening to your dad or husband keep talking shit about not stopping and getting where you're going?  NOBODY!  That's who, and you don't need a crying ass kid to screw things up more.  I'll punch that crying baby, no problem.  Contact me, Trent... I mean Dale.  I may or may not be where you're located.  Just look for the homeless looking guy wearing overalls with his underwear on the outside.  Remember, this is a free service.  I'm hoping to get arrested so I can get 3 hots and a cot."

(Walter's back)

"Okay, welcome back.  I'd like to thank our sponsors for their time and dedication to their craft.  Truly services that are much needed and appreciated.  Now, out to Laramie for a special report from our residential "foodie" Ted.  Ted has been hanging around waiting for the fall semester to begin at the University in an attempt to find drunk students to take him to a shitty late night breakfast.  Ted didn't find that but he did find something interesting.  Ted, what did you find."

(Foodie Ted speaks)

"Walt, you'll have to excuse me.  I have a volatile case of food poisoning that I contracted after eating a 3 week old seafood burrito that some frat kid bought from a food truck in Cheyenne.  Seriously, Walt.  If I sneeze, I am going to prolapse.  I've been doubled up with cramps for the last several hours and I can't even keep down a sip of water.  No shit, dude.  This is serious!  I have all of the traditional signs of salmonella plus I am losing hair and have a nose bleed.  The doctors told me that if I survive, I will not be able to eat solid food for 3 more weeks, if I don't puke my brains out. Back to you!"

(Walter's back)

Ted, you're an idiot.  I hope "Dale the baby punching idiot" finds you naked and convulsing on the floor of a closed rest area bathroom and cleans you off with a Hanta virus wash cloth from that other asshole, Chuck.

Now, this just in out of Guernsey.  Nothing...  Nothing's happening in Guernsey right now but there was a Jack-a-lope sighting just north of town.  As a reminder, due to low numbers, Jack-a-lope hunting in the Guernsey area is closed but tags are available in Smoot, Granger, Dubois, Riverton and Greybull.  Successful hunters in those areas are urged to check in with local game and fish representatives and have their kills measured by the Boone and Crockett "professionals" who are not really professionals... just drunks at a bar who think they know everything.

Dr. Jim Bowles, a one time dentist in Jackson sends this out as a public service announcement.  "Don't get punched in the mouth.  It's not good."

Now, lets swing out to Elk Mountain where our meteorologist Stewart Giles is posted up just off the interstate.  Stewart, what can we expect with the forecast?

(Stewart speaks)
Well Walter, if you're going to be in or around the Hannah/Elk Mountain area you're going to be in the wind... still... just like for that last 6000 years.  I've got a little known fact about the area that some may find interesting.  The name Hannah is a Native American term that means, "the fucking wind ain't never going to quit blowing in this son-of-a-bitch, is it?"  As usual regarding the weather, they are right!  Elsewhere in the state were going to see some wind, some sun, with temperatures ranging from -50 to 80 degrees.  Snow is possible, so is rain.  If you don't like the weather, hang around for about 20 minutes and its liable to change.

Walter, we within the weather department would like to remind everyone that September is "Bad Weather Awareness Month".  With that we would like to remind dumb asses to report any bad weather conditions and if you see a tornado, drive straight into it!  Who gives a shit!  Drive straight into it and just get it over with.  End it all.  We're tired of listening to you describe what the tornado sounded like.  And while you're at it, if there is no inclement or otherwise threatening weather but you do see an electric fence, please pee on it.  If you do pee on it, it won't make you any smarter but with any luck it may remove you from the gene pool.  Back to you, Walter.

(Walter speaks)
Thank you, Stewart.  Great information.  Hope some half wits take you up on it.  Moving on, in a survey conducted on Highway 89 in the vicinity of Etna, people were asked "What would Jesus do?" 83% of those polled said, 'Carne Asada.  He's the guy with the good Carne Asada recipe."  12% said, 'Huh?' and 5% told us to fuck off.  We would like to remind everyone that this was not a scientific survey and our traditional 2% margin for error has been thrown out the window like an empty beer can on Pioneer Day Weekend.

In other news, the Jackson town council met in a closed door session with County and State officials in an attempt to address the ever present problem of affordable housing.  They laughed and laughed and laughed.  A confidential source tells us that one councilor nearly drowned when he began to laugh while taking a drink of water. The choking incident lasted nearly 5 minutes.  The source also told us that when the councilor regained his composure and wiped the snot water from his mustache, he pointed across the table towards the mayor and said, "She's funny!"  The laughing continued and the meeting was adjourned a moment later.

A concerned resident of the town of Worland complained to city officials about the smell of the area.  John Johnson has been at every town council meeting in Worland for the last 30 years complaining about the smell of the town.  A member of the council took Mr. Johnson to the barber shop and had his mustache removed.  Mysteriously, the odor and complaints quickly vanished.

In a related story, Mrs. Erma Burns who was visiting from Belle Fourche, South Dakota complained to the town council of being constipated.  The mayor told her that she was 'full of shit' and promptly sent her packing.  Upon her departure, Mrs. Burns eventually found relief in the town of Gillette and consequently, the Walmart Super Center had to be evacuated.  A source close to this situation could only gag.

With that, let's hand it over to Coach Allen for Sports.  Coach?  Are you there?  Coach?  It appears as if Coach Allen drank a bottle of aftershave after his teams big loss in Lander and he cannot be reached for comment.  Not to worry.  Its rumored that he was going to report on something called a "fart yodeling contest".

In closing, we bring you this heart warming story out of Teton County Wyoming.  With the recent spate of gluten intolerance claims in Teton County, a group of mothers involved with the local PTA have formed a gluten free awareness group called W.J.C.W.H.N.E.T.D which stands for, "Well Jesus Christ.  We have nothing else to do.".

A spokeswoman for the group says, "You know, gluten intolerance is a really big thing.  Our organization hired a doctor or some other guy who lives in a yurt in Wilson and he informed us of all of the early warning signs.  The early warning signs include whining, having a big head, having two distinguishable eye brows, being left handed, having an insatiable appetite for American cheese, having an affinity to the capital letter K, struggles with the concept of silence, has complained about another fictional affliction called "ass-mites" or thinks the color blue tastes like snow are all signs of onset juvenile gluten intolerance."

We reached out to the guy in the yurt for comment. His name is Mitch and we found him higher than a last minute plane ticket, eating something he deemed "Gluten Free Gluten' which appeared to be ground up Fruit Loops, Raisin Bran and Pepperoni Pizza.  He said, "Dude, that's the thing.  If you are eating things like Pizza or Raisin Bran and shit, you have to cook it in gluten free water taken from the Gros Ventre river and you have to cook that shit in a gluten free wok.  If you use a temperature on the Fahrenheit scale, it doesn't get rid of the gluten.  You've got to use Celsius scale because its lower numbers and somehow the shit is hotter, right?"

We immediately felt ourselves becoming dumber and then Mitch added this.  "Dude.  I get all of my gluten free cooking utensils from the Dollar Tree.  They have to be new.  You can't risk them being used to stir gluten so second hand things like a used spatula or a broken plastic spaghetti thing are just out of the question.  And by the way, all of the used plastic utensils you buy have to be black.  The white ones have gluten.  In order to get the gluten out of the white ones, you need to throw them all in a casserole dish and put them in the broiler for about 2 hours.  It causes a lot of smoke and it turns them black or at least brown.  When you see that, you can then remold the molten plastic into any shape you want and then cook with it.  Gluten free, bro... Gluten free."

As we were leaving with a mild contact high and completely full of Mitch's bullshit, we heard a car door slam outside of the yurt.  Mitch pulled back the curtain and said, "Whoa... Its Kirsten, dude.  She's one of my biggest clients and is the Vice President of WJCWHNETD.  She's here to pick up some gluten free moving boxes."

Our audio engineer started to leave but we reeled him back in and made him bear witness to what was about to happen.  Kirsten, no where near as aloof or high came in and introduced herself.  She said with a smile, "You guys must be the news guys.''  We all nodded.  She then exclaimed, "If it weren't for Mitch, all of the kids on Fall Creek Road would be dead from gluten intolerance.  He's saved like, millions of peoples lives."

Mitch quickly left the room and returned with a stack of what appeared to be card board boxes that had been saturated and then dried.  He handed them to Kirsten as a tear rolled down her cheek.  "He's doing this for the kids.  Don't you see?  He's doing it for the kids."  Mitch's hands met and he bowed to Kirsten like a monk might have done.  He walked her to her suburban assault vehicle and had to give her 20 minutes worth of instructions on how to back out of his driveway.

As he returned, you could see that he felt as if he accomplished something.  He said, "Before you leave, I want to let you know that I have a whole line of gluten free janitorial supplies and hair care products.  I also have a line of gluten free sex toys coming out in November, just in time for the holiday season."  He then winked at me and handed me a paper clip and I'm not sure why but I rest assured tonight knowing that this idiot has people fooled who are all too eager to buy into his bullshit.