"Lee" from Gold Card Services

So, I'm sitting at work the other day and the phone rings.  This brings me great excitement because I was sitting there watching this tiny spider walk across my desk, shivering from the cold, looking for a warm place to hide.  I was going to warm him up with a lighter and a half of a can of carb cleaner but I didn't want to have to explain to the bosses why the cub scouts were roasting marshmallows were the guard shack used to be.  All of the sudden, the phone rings.

Much to my delight, it turned out to be "Lee from Gold Card Services."  Before I could say anything Lee, in all of his benevolence, tells me that there was a flag on my Gold Card.  Now, I'm no rocket surgeon and my memory is not what it used to be so I asked Lee "Who are you looking for, Lee?"  Emphatically Lee said, "You sir" in an accent that I'd never, ever be able to replicate.  He added, "Your Gold Card has been compromised and fraudulent activity has been detected."



I asked, "Lee, if you're looking form me, you must know my name, right?"  Lee let go with a sigh and then there was an uncomfortable pause before he said, "I don't know your name but I know your credit card has been compromised.  Give me last 4 numbers and I can help you get this problem resolved."  Oddly, I was surprised by his mastery of the language.  Not sure what language it was but his confidence in the shit he was saying was just over the top!

"#1" I said.  Lee said, "What next?"  I said, "That's it.  I got the first credit card awarded by this particular institution so the number is one."  I could almost hear him shake his head.  Before he could say anything I asked, "Do you want to know a secret?"  Before he could answer I said, "My name is Lee too.  Some people have called me portly because I am kind of short and fat.  Some people have called me ugly and that's because they are stupid and they don't have feelings.  Others have called me
dick, but I don't understand that..."

The guy yells, "Enough!  Enough!  I don't need this information.  I need the last 4 digits of your card number."  I then apologize.  "Lee, I'm sorry.  It sounds like you are a very busy man.  I'll let you go for now.  Can you call me back later, because I know when I try to return this call, the number you called me on will not be available."  "What" he asks and then adds, "What are you talking about?  I'm trying to schedule a "reburchment"."

Now, up to this point, I thought I could keep Lee on the phone.  I felt as if I garnered some level of trust, but I ruined it completely when I said, "What in the fuck is a reburchment?  Are you going to plant some trees or shrubs?  Are you going to do a habitat rehabilitation program in my front yard?  That's awful nice, Lee, but its winter and its a bad time to do reburchments... I think."

That is when Lee lost his mind. "Mother Bitch!  What the fuck is this?  I don't know what you are saying.  I ask questions, you say things that don't make sense.  I don't have this time."  I then asked, "Is your whole name Angri-ly because you seem to have taken an unkind tone with me."  He said something in his native tongue, sighed and came back with, "Do you need my assistance" to which I replied, "Yes".  He said, "I need last 4 digits of your credit card number to reburch."

At this point, I wanted to try something else.  For years, and this started when my kids where little and were having some kind of non-crisis, I would say "pee pee-poo poo" and they would either laugh or spin out.  I introduced Lee to it.. I said, "Pee pee-poo poo".  He replied "three three, two two" and I started to laugh.  "Yes, Lee. Pee pee-poo poo  ca ca doo doo".  I really lost it when he said, "Too many numbers.  Try again."

By now, I am running out of potty humor and I figured he would have hung up by now.  I didn't know what to say so I just said, "What's your favorite color?"  He didn't say anything but I could hear him typing.  "Lee," I asked, "what is your favorite color?".  Nothing... "Lee, what is your favorite food?'  Still nothing, "Lee, if you could have one super power, what would it be?"  Still nothing so I throw one more at him.  "Lee" I said before being yelled at... "God bitch, mother damn it!  You no good.  I fuck this up and you fuck jokes at me."

I've heard and done a lot of things to people, but I not once "fucked jokes at someone".  I am just not that type of guy.  I'll help you carry in the groceries, maybe give you that pesky clue on the crossword, but I will never, ever fuck a joke at you.

Lee's done.  He yells some incoherent shit at me, throws down another lame attempt at cussing me out, but he is through.  For me, the best is still coming at me.  I sat here, in my mental mind, trying to figure out how to fuck a joke at someone.... begging for the phone to ring again.