Parenthood and shit....

Nothing in the world can completely prepare you for parenthood.  It seems as if there are a million books with a million different opinions on how to properly raise a child, but none of them ever really get it right.  And for that matter, no how much preparation you do, you are never fully prepared for what we got hit with this past Christmas break.

With the kids being adults and out of the house, Christmas doesn't have the same feeling anymore.  For us these days, Christmas is more about family and friends and perhaps the wife gets off to mass in an attempt to keep the door of heaven open for me.

We got word that our youngest was going to be home for Christmas so we began to make arrangements regarding how, what and where we would be celebrating this joyous holiday.  The wife began to plan the menu.  I planned the beer.  In no time flat, we were just sitting around and awaiting our son's arrival.

When he walked in the house a couple of weeks later, he dropped a whole semester's worth of dirty clothes on the wash room floor, gave his mom a kiss and came over and gave me a big hug.  The boy looked good.  Perhaps he lost a few pounds, but something else was different and I couldn't put my finger on it.

As he told stories about school, his room mates and beer pong, I sensed a bit of anxiety.  I didn't say anything at first but rather watched it build.  He began to pace as he spoke.  Shortly after that, he began wringing his hands as he got more nervous.  Topics for discussion were all over the place and by this point, I could tell something was really eating away at him.

I said, "Son, what's bothering you?".  "Nothing much" he replied, not very convincingly but added, "I do have something that I have to tell you and mom, though."  The wife was in the kitchen and said "I'm listening, honey.  Go ahead."

The boy was sweating at this point and the first thing that ran through my mind was that he knocked up some poor co-ed.  I looked at him as he was looked at the floor for a shred of confidence.  I asked the wife to come join me on the couch so he could have our undivided attention.  As she sat, this pregnancy thought ran through my mind again so I leaned over and said, "No matter what this is, we will get through this like we've gotten through every other thing that has ever happened."  She nodded cautiously.

"Mom, dad...  I have something that I've been wanting to tell you for some time now" he said.  Before he could go on the wife said, "I knew it.  You got some girl pregnant, didn't you?"  I was glad she said it, but Wade just shook his head and directed a stare at the wall above our heads.  "No mother.  I didn't get anyone pregnant."  I chimed in, "You've failed out of school?"  "No dad.  That hasn't happened yet either.  In fact, my grades are good and solid."

The wife and I exchanged a glance.  We do this from time to time.  It's like telepathy.  At the same time, we looked at him and said, "Are you coming out of the closet?"  "No" he said with emphasis, "and please quit interrupting me.  This is very important!"  He looked at the floor.  The wife and I looked at each other as if we covered everything that we thought he would find important.  At the same time we both shrugged and tuned back in to whatever it was that he was going to tell us.

"Mom, dad, I've been wanting to tell you this for about 3 months now.  I think its really important that you know this.  Some kids don't have the type of family that I do, so I am sure that when I get this off my chest, I will have your support, or at least I hope I will."  He looked us both in the eyes and said, "Mom and dad, I am a vegetarian!"

The wife broke into tears.  She was immediately inconsolable.  He said something else to his mother, but all I heard was Charlie Browns kindergarten teacher talking.  "Wa waa waaaa wawa wa wawawa."  I stood up and looked him dead in the eye and said, "Vegetarian?  Are you out of your fucking mind?  Vegetarian?  Holy shit son!  What in the fuck is going on with you?"

Now of course the anxiety level is through the roof at our once peaceful abode.  He looks at me and said, "You know dad, I could really use some support right now.  This is serious."  I answered back, "You're God damned right its serious!  You've got incisors, for Christ's sake!  Those fuckers were made for ripping into meat, boy.  Your mom, your dad, your brother, every one of your grandparents, every one of your great grandparents, all of your aunts and uncles are all carnivores!  What in the world makes you think you can just stroll in here and say something as ridiculous as that?"

It was at this point in time that I knew my world had been turned upside down.  I'd never been more mad or more confused in my life.  I mean, I have taken this boy hunting and I taught him how to fish just so he could learn where food really comes from.  Now this kid is prepared to turn in his fishing gear and hunting rifle for a reusable cloth bag to take to the farmer's market?

He said, "You know dad, I could use a little support right now."  "You bet your ass you can!  You ain't strong enough to stand up on your own.  Eating twigs, lettuce and dirt ain't no way to get proper nutrition.  Shit, your mother or I am going to have to move in with you to drag your anemic ass to classes and shit.  For crying out loud man.  Why couldn't you have come home and told your mother and I you were gay or you knocked up some poor waif?  We were prepared for that!  We can handle that!  Vegetarian?  Shit, I wish you would have told me you tried pot or something!"  I shook my head and said, "I need to go check on your mother."  I looked at him again and just shook my head.

As I opened the bedroom door, the wife wailed "Why?  Why is he a vegetarian?" and then she fell back into the fetal position at the foot of the bed.  "I don't know honey.  I figured he was more likely to rob a bank or some shit.  I don't know how we work through this.  Can you come out at face him?"
I helped her to her feet and wiped a tear from her cheek.  I gave her a hug and told her that it would be all right as convincingly as I could at the moment.  She opened the bedroom door and looked at him.  He was shaking.  Not because he was scared or anything, but because his blood sugar crashed.  DeeDee asked, "Why son?  Why now?"

He said, "Mom, its because I met this girl..."  I interrupted, "Shit, you didn't knock her up did you?  Oh wait, you probably don't have the strength to knock anyone up."  Then I asked, "Is she a vegetarian too?"  He nodded and said, "Yes dad she is a vegetarian and no dad, I didn't knock her up." "Well, its a good damned thing" the wife said and added "skinny ass girl wouldn't have the strength to carry a baby around full term eating kiwi fruit and drinking beet smoothies and shit."

Everyone was about at the end of their personal ropes.  Our oldest son walks through the door just as Wade says, "It's healthy.  I've lost 20 pounds and I never have been healthier in my life.  I feel great."  Roger cut him off by saying, "You don't feel great, you idiot.  You're just keep getting a head rush every time you stand up?"  I asked Roger, "You knew about this?"  He said, "Nope.  Mom called me and said we are having a family crisis.  Then she told me that Wade was a vegetarian so I am here to plan an intervention or something.  I just can't let this happen to my little brother."

The whole family is now involved.  One of the dogs was so disgusted by this news that he put himself in his kennel and locked the door.  The cat peed on Wade's coat.  He accidentally dropped it on the floor because he no longer possesses the hand strength and hand eye coordination he once had, when he ate bacon.

Right before this boy was born, I thought I had gone over every potential scenario that a father may face, raising a child.  I mean, I thought of all kids of weird shit like, "What if he is born and is just a head on a foot?"  Or, "What if he has one eye bigger than the other and he shits his pants every time he blinks?"  I had answers for those things.  Not this.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, I thought I should step up and try to get us all through this, somehow.  It was time to start throwing some ideas around.  "Is this permanent" I asked.  "I don't know, dad."  "Will you eat turkey for dinner, like your mom planned?"  "No dad, turkey is meat."  I lost myself for a second and blurted out, "No its not, God damn it.  Its fucking turkey!"  That surely didn't help matters.  So I looked around the room and said, "What's next?"

Wade stood up and said, "Mom, no matter what, I will always love you.  I know you love me and I know we can work through this.  Roger, I know you may feel let down right now, but I promise you brother, I will be the same guy and I will always love you and will always have your back.  Dad, I can still hunt and I can still go fishing."  I couldn't stop myself from saying, "How in the hell do you hunt parsnips?"  Wade looked at us all again and said, "Can we all share a hug and move on" to which Roger replied, "We can.  We eat meat.  You'll probably have to rest for a couple of hours between hugs."

Man, I wonder what's going to happen next Christmas.