My Very First Product Review:

Hi everybody.  I've got to tell ya!  I'm pretty excited, folks.  Someone wrote into the main office and asked me to do a product review!  I've never done this before so I am thrilled to be able to give you the straight dope on this product.

Before I actually get to the review, I'd like to take a second and say thanks to all of the people who write in and ask me questions about products that might seem to be out of my realm of expertise.  I am honored that you value my body of work, my world travel and my honest opinion about things.  it really makes an old boy feel good.  Thank you again for writing in and keep these requests coming!

Now, on to the product review.  Give me a second.  It seems as if I misplaced the all of the guys information.  It's on an index card and I just had it.  I set it down right here.  Oh, wait.  Here it is.  This is a question from Skjot Amundson from Bemidji, Minnesota.  Skjot says, "I'll be moving into a college dorm next year and I'd like to know what you think of the George Foreman Grille?"

Well Skjot, I'll be happy to get to that question in just a minute.  Before I do, I'd like to review another product and maybe it will help you, your family and friends out a bit as well.  The product I am speaking about is the fucking alphabet!  People are taking way too much liberty with the thing and it appears as if your parents are no exception.  I am assuming that your name is pronounced "Scott".  Am I right?  If I am, then why didn't your parents spell it that way?

I went as far as to use the Googler and look this ridiculous shit up.  You know what the Googler said?  It said that "Skjot" was a rare Norwegian spelling of the more traditional "Scott" and was given to royalty and Viking Warriors.  That leads me to this, Skjot....I feel dirty even saying your name right now....  Are you a Viking Warrior, Skjot?  If you are, you'd better be about 6'5'' tall, weight about 300 lbs, have long hair and a beard so unkempt that it looks like a pack of animals lives in the son of a bitch.  You'd better be walking around with a sword, a shield and a fucking club made from the heart wood of an ancient oak tree or some shit, and you'd better know how to pillage!

If you don't look like this and look more like a hipster wearing skinny jeans with the legs rolled up and wearing a flannel shirt, I hope some redneck comes up and takes his style back and drags your ass to the DMV to change your name on your drivers license.  Instead of Skjot or the more traditional "Scott", you need to change your name to Biff or Tad or Chaz or something else ridiculous.  Frankly, this shit is nothing short of fraud... you're not a Viking!

I'm so God damned mad now that I can't remember the stupid question you asked.  Where is that index card with the question on it?  Oh, I threw it in the trash, SKJOT!  Skjot?  Are you shitting me?  Skjot.  Okay, it says here that you are going to college and that you want to know if the George Foreman Grille is a good product.

Well, here we go.  Yeah, its probably a great product for cooking a burger, chicken breast or something like that.  Maybe even a grilled cheese, you know.  But a fucking Viking cooked shit with fire or ate the shit raw!  These were semi primitive battle whores that were talking about, not some dip shit millennial who could fuck up a bowl of Shredded Wheat!

Leave that product alone, you dumb ass.  I'm afraid you'll go to a frigging frat party, get loaded on cheap beer and come back to the dorm and try to do your hair with the fucking thing.  Look!  It's got moving parts and gets real hot.  It's above your pay scale.  Get yourself some crayons and a safe space, you dip shit!  Leave cooking and anything else food related, to anyone else other than yourself.

Well folks, that's it for now from the "product review" portion of this head ache.  I need to find a good glass of whiskey and a camp fire after answering that question.  Keep 'em coming in though.  I want all of you to be fully informed, even if you spell your name incorrectly.

Until next time....