Hearing problems:

I've come to the point in life where I have to admit, I have a hearing problem.  My parents thought I was half deaf for years.  They would tell me "don't do that" then I would do just that. Their response would always be "Are you deaf?".  Nope, not deaf.  Stupid, yes.  Dumb ass ignorant kid thinking I knew what was going on.

This is way different.  It happens all of the time with my wife.  She will say something and I will mishear it, then repeat what I heard.  Most of the time it is completely nonsense, but I don't appear to have the ability to stop for a second and really try to analyze what I may have heard.  For instance, my wife might say something like, "I'd like to go to dinner tonight."  What I hear is, "I'd like to go to dinner and fight?" 

Then, my dumb, bad hearing ass will say something along the lines of, "We don't have to go to dinner and fight.  We can do that right here.  Why would you want to go do that in public?  We don't fight anyways!  What's your deal?'  She will look at me, shake her head and say "I didn't say anything about fighting."  Then I get this look on my face.  I just lack the ability to say in my head, "No way did this person just say that." 

Now, I told you that in order to tell you this.  This happens in other places as well.  20 years in the bar business and 30 something years of listening to rock and roll,  my hearing is toast and it happens every where.  Now, its happened at work with my boss. 

Big shout out to my boss, by the way.  Great lady, smart and has managed to keep her hearing.  Thanks for not firing me yet.   The other day, we were having a phone conversation about something.  What the boss said was "Not her."  What I heard was "Fuck her".  My boss wouldn't say that, but my mental mind went off the damned deaf tracks again.

I repeat what I thought I heard.  "Fuck her?"  (Unbeknownst to me, the boss has me on speaker phone and is trying to multitask.)  I hear a group of people start to laugh, and I couldn't help myself.  I said, "Well, I'm not for sure how fucking her is going to solve any problems.  On the contrary, I see this causing all kinds of problems for both you and I.  I really don't want to fuck her.  There has to be another avenue we can take in order to find some kind of resolution."

Now my boss and everyone else within ear shot knows whats going on and none of them can't stop laughing, and I can't shut up.  "Never in a million years did I ever think I would hear you try to pimp me out.  Honestly, I think we need to take into consideration this woman's opinion.  I just can't walk by and fuck someone without some kind of consequences.  And isn't it rather presumptuous to even think this other person would be okay with the idea?"

At this point, my boss is laughing so hard that she goes into a coughing fit.  Other people are trying to catch their breath and I am sitting here wondering, "What is so damned funny about this hair ball proposal?"  My boss Tina regains her composure long enough to tell me to stop, then she finishes laughing.  She said, "I didn't say fuck her.  I said not her.  I have you on speaker phone and everyone in the office is laughing their asses off.

My reply, "Oh good.  Now this is going to come across like I am some kind of weirdo.  I just don't hear well, people.  "Not her" sounded an awful lot like "fuck her"... do you get that?'  The laughing resumes.  After another minute of laughter on that end of the line, someone decided it was time to regain our collective composure and find some kind of a resolution.

I said, "For the sake of things, I think we are far better off doing nothing in comparison of me fucking someone.  I mean, I'm not that good.  Well, I mean, I have been having sex with my wife for 30 years now and she hasn't left, so I guess that is a feather in my cap.  But thinking I can just go over there and fuck us out of this situation is more than I care to commit to at this point.  Can you point me in another direction."

My boss says, "Yes... hearing aids.  You need help.  Stop talking, don't go fucking anyone and give me a few minutes to focus on the issue.

Well, its been a couple of days now.  I might have embarrassed the shit out of my boss and she may have lost confidence in me or perhaps she just wants this little memory to just go away.  I wish it would.

P.S.
Don't worry boss and wife.  I am going to keep it in my pants and I promise I will look into hearing aids after I have just a tiny bit more fun not hearing this correctly.