Getting Even with the Man!

I live in a pretty rural area.  When it comes to shopping, you have a very limited selection of stores to go to.  It's not like you can run down to Walmart or the neighborhood strip mall and get everything you need in one stop.  A couple of the stores around here try to do a good job with that.  Others, they just don't care.

These "other' stores I am talking about are what this story is about.  If you absolutely, positively need something, this one store in particular will never, ever, ever have what you are looking for.  On the other hand, if you are looking for a handful of random shit, you can stock up.  If you walk in this store and are looking for a #2 pencil, you're out of luck.  If you just walk in and just decide that you are in the market for a  King James Edition of the Bible, a left handed catchers mitt and a rusty broken metal clothes hanger, they are going to have shelves of that shit... no fail, every time.

After shopping here a few dozen times through the years, I know what I am getting into.  So, me trying to be the smart consumer, I decided to call ahead and ask if they had the product I was looking for.  Electrical tape... very common item.  You can even find this shit in the grocery store, but for some dumb ass reason, I chose to call this outfit.

They answer the phone very professionally and ask "How can I help you?"  I say, "I am looking for a roll of electrical tape.  I don't want to drive all the way into Jackson or Idaho Falls to grab some.  Do you guys have electrical tape?"  The lady says, "Of course we do.  We're a hardware store.  Would you like me to go grab a roll off the shelf for you, and then all you have to do is walk up to the counter and pay for it?"  I said, "That would be great.  I will be there in about 20 minutes."

I arrive at the store thinking I am way ahead of the game.  I won't have to walk through this nightmare of a store.  I'll just walk in, go to the counter, pick my tape up and hit the road.  Easy, peasy....  I walk in, walk up to the counter and say, "I called in about 20 minutes ago, looking for electrical tape.  The woman I spoke to said that she was going to go pull a roll and have it here at the counter for me." 

The person standing in from of me has the old "deer in the headlights" look.  "Huh" she replies.  I go through the story again.  "I called in about 20 minutes ago and asked if you guys had electrical tape.  The gal said, and I quote, "Of course we do, we are a hardware store", then she said she would go grab a roll and have it at the counter for me when I walked in.  Do you have a roll of electrical tape for me?"  She didn't get any smarter.  She said, "Well, who did you talk to?"  I said, "Ma'am, I don't know but this is a small organization.  There can't be very many employees here.  I'll go find the electrical tape myself if you can tell me which aisle I can find it in."  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "We don't have electrical tape."  I lost my mind....

I walked around the entire store, cussing every step of the way.  Up one aisle and down the next!  We are talking about a God damned hardware store that does NOT have electrical tape!!!  I just left...

On my way back home, I decided that I needed to get even.  I decided that I was going to grab a few random bullshit items from around the garage and take them back to the store and try to purchase them.  I had no idea how this was going to turn out, but I was now on a mission.

I picked up a small chunk of wood that the dog had chewed on, a wadded up paper towel with motor oil on it and a small empty box of screws and went back to the store.  I walked in and took my sweet ass time, walking around that store, pushing one of those big ass hand truck things that you might load up with lumber.  I threw my 3 bullshit items from the garage on there and walked by every employee in the store.  Only 1 of them asked if I needed any help, and looked at the bullshit I had sitting on the hand truck.  I said, "Yeah, I'm looking for a half a can of Mr. Pibb.  Where do yall keep your half cans of Mr. Pibb?''

The guy smiled and said, "Are you serious?"  I nodded emphatically.  "I'm serious as a train wreck, buddy.  I need a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."  His chin dropped and he just looked at me.  I said, "Don't bother.  I'll go ask that helpful lady at the front counter for some help."

I pushed my big ass flat bed hand truck thing up to the front counter.  On it I had my chewed up chunk of wood, my dirty ass paper towel and my empty box of wood screws.  As I arrived at the front counter, without even looking at me, the lady said, "Will this be everything?"  I almost laughed!  This lady was going to try to ring this shit up, assuming that I had brought up some real products.  I quickly said, "No, I asked one of your constituents for some help, but he suggested that I come speak to you." 

She finally looked up at me and said, "What can I help you with?"  I said, "Well, I need these 3 items here plus a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."  I shit you not... she shook her head and said, "You need what?"  I pointed down at the 3 bullshit items I brought in and pushed around the store for a half an hour on this big ass flat bed hand truck thing and said, "I also need a half a can of Mr. Pibb, a broken lock washer and an eye lash curler."

She shook her head again and said, "What is a Mr. Pibb?''  I said, "Its a special kind of motor oil or something.  I guess I could use an RC Cola or a Diet Shasta Rootbeer if you don't have Mr. Pibb.''  By now, I am having a blast.  This lady has no idea what in the hell is going on, but I knew... at this very moment, I had her exactly where I wanted her.  She started to reach for the store's loud speaker.....  She said, "Debby, can you come up front please.  Debby, come up front."

A minute or so later, here comes Ol' Debby.  You can kind of tell that she isn't really the brain trust of the organization.  The gal behind the counter says to Ol Debby, "This feller is looking for a half can of Mr. Pibb.  Do we have Mr. Pibb?"  Debby replies, ''What is Mr. Pibb?'  I reply, "I think they use it to thin paint or grease wheel bearings with."  Debby says, "We don't have it.  You ought to try the auto parts store.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"  I said, "No, I guess I will just pay for these products here and be on my way."

Both the gal behind the counter and Debby looked down at my big ass, nearly empty, flat bed hand truck.  I picked up the chewed up piece of wood, the empty box of wood screws and the dirty paper towel and plopped them on the counter, and reached for my wallet.  Debby looks at the gal behind the counter.  The gal behind the counter looks at this shit I brought in, back at Debby and then back at me with the same dumb 'deer in the headlights" look she had earlier and said, "Will this be everything!!!!"

I laughed my ass off!  She was going to try to ring this shit up!  I couldn't quit laughing.  I gained my composure for a second, reached over the counter and grabbed a small pack of gum and said, "That'll be everything."  She looks at the small pile of shit.  She looks at the gum.  She rings the gum up and said, "That'll be $1.06"  I gave her a buck and a quarter and she gave me change and stood there looking at me.  She said, "Will there be anything else?"  I smiled and politely said, "Can I please have a bag?" 

With her mouth agape, she grabbed the smallest bag she had and put the gum in it, and handed it to me.  I looked down at the 3 other items and then looked at her.  She in turn looked at me, picked up the empty box of screws, the chewed up piece of wood and the dirty paper towel and put them in the bag as well.

The look on her face was priceless.  I looked back into the store and there stood Debby and the guy who tried to help me in the first place, all with the same stupid look on their faces.  The gal behind the counter said, "Thanks for stopping in.  Have a nice day."  I just stood there.  Now, everyone was slightly uncomfortable.....  she tried to gather her thoughts and said, "Is there anything else?"  I smiled and said, "May I please have the receipt?"

She puts the receipt in the bag and gingerly pushes it towards me.  I smiled, nodded and reached inside for the pack of gum.  By now, she is nervous.  I unwrapped the gum wrapper, put a piece of gum in my mouth, wadded up the gum wrapper, set it on the counter. I smiled again, said thank you and left the store.

I'm positive that they were glad to get rid of me.  What they don't know is, I am going back tomorrow to try to return the pack of gum.....  Go ahead.... mess with me, you sons a bitches.