Mistaken Identity

 

How is everyone doing on this fine fall day?  Hope this catches you in a good mood.  If I'm lucky enough, maybe this story will boost your mood.  I think it's hilarious... however I am 53 years old and still think farts are funny.

Let me set this up a little bit.  My friend JJ is Native American.  She works in retail and a lot of times gets to hear some stupid, insensitive shit regarding her ethnicity.  The other day, she posted about one such occasion on social media.  It proved that not only people are insensitive, they really don't think much before shit just goes falling out of their cake holes.  

JJ's brother Nate used to work for me years ago at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar as a doorman.  Nate was awesome at snagging fake ID's, payed attention to what was going on and if there was a fight in the joint, I knew that Nate would be in there with me.  When you run a joint like that, you are lucky if you have a Nate or two on board.  Besides that, the Kascoli's are just top notch folks as far as I am considered.  Their ethnicity doesn't matter to me but it is pertinent to this story.

Here we go.  If you haven't been to the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar on a Friday or Saturday night during the summer time, you're really missing out.  Busiest joint on the block, normally good entertainment back in those days, and it is simply the best place in the world to "people watch".  Nice folks from all over the world show up, get blasted and make asses of themselves... it's a beautiful thing!

The front door ends up looking like a conveyor belt in a factory.  We are turning and burning them as fast as we can. The Doormen are busy working the front door and monitoring the crowd. The Barbacks are doing everything they can to keep the joint going.  The Bartenders and the Waitresses are knee deep in the weeds slinging whiskey and I am there to back them all up.  Once it gets this busy, it doesn't slow down until last call.  Its a hell of a thing to be a part of.  If you haven't worked in a bar, you'll just have to trust me on this.

Right smack-dab in the middle of the evening, a young gal comes up to me and says, "Hey, the big Hawaiian guy at the door told me to come talk to you.  The cigarette machine ate my money and didn't give me any smokes." No big deal.  It happens all of the time and it's just one of the small things I have to do to keep the joint afloat, but the word "Hawaiian" stuck in my head.  I thought for a second, "I have a Hawaiian working here?".  It didn't really matter.  I had a small first world problem that I had to fix so I set path towards the cigarette machine and noticed old Nate at the front door.  "It had to be him that she was talking about", I thought to myself.

For some dumb reason, things like this stuck in my head.  I thought I knew good and well that Nate was Navajo/Apache so I had to go ask.  Normally when I approached a doorman, we had a project to take on.  I walked up and asked Nate, "Hey, are you Hawaiian?"  Nate wrinkled up his forehead, chuckled and said, "No man.  I'm Navajo/Apache."  I nodded and said, "That's what I thought but some chick just said "The big Hawaiian guy told me to come talk to you... she was talking about you, I guess."  We laughed and went about the rest of the evening.

About an hour later, this cowboy comes walking up with a fresh rodeo check in his hands.  (We used to cash rodeo checks for rodeo cowboys and buy them a drink.)  The feller says, "Hey, are you Brice?"  I nod and before I can say anything, the guy says, "The nice Mexican feller at the front door sent me to you to get this check cashed."  I smiled, asked the cowboy what he was drinking and put my initials on the check.  After I got him squared away, I walked up to Nate and said, "Guess what?"  Nate looked at me and I said, "Your Mexican now!"  I told him the story... we had a laugh and again set course on the rest of the evening.

Like I said earlier, this is the type of shit that gets stuck in my head.  Through the course of the evening, the doormen change stations and move between the front door, the back door and the floor.  Each time Nate walked by I would think either "Hawaiian" or "Mexican"?  I mean, he kind of looked Hawaiian and he kind of looked Mexican.  He damned sure looked Native to me, but what in the hell do I know.  

Now here's where the whole thing starts getting wonky in my head.  I look at Nate and think, "I hired a ventriloquist, but he doesn't trick people with his voice... he does it with his ethnicity."  So its a game in my head now and I think of the John Candy movie "Who is Harry Crumb?"  John Candy is a private investigator and he tries to wear different costumes, portray himself as different people...  Ol Nate ain't trying to fool nobody, and I am getting a good laugh out of it all.  I know, I'm easy to entertain....

In my head, everything is all shits and giggles and in the mean time, everyone else is trying to do their job.  The joint is packed!  The music is loud.  Everyone is having a good time and I get just busy enough to stop the comedy playing out in my head until another young lady comes up to me.  She's cute, half cooked and says, "Excuse me, are you Brice?"  I said that I was and I shit you not.... she says, "Oh good, I put some money in the breath-a-lyzer machine and it didn't work.  The Samoan guy at the back stairs said you could help me out."  I laughed and said, "Samoan guy?  Shit, I thought he was French or some shit."  She kind of shook her head and looked at me with a "deer in the headlights" kind of look.  I said, "Give me a minute.  I'll go grab some coins and I'll meet you back down there."

What I wanted more than anything in the world was for this girl to walk up to Nate and say, "You're not Samoan... You're French?" And then I wanted Nate to reply, "Oui, Oui" or some shit.  That would have made my entire career in the bar business worthwhile!!!

I didn't get that.  I did get to walk by Nate with a handful of quarters and say, "Uh, do you know any French?"  He just looked at me and smiled.  I walked down the stairs, showed the girl how the breath-a-lyzer works and prove that she had too much fun.  On the way up the stairs I told Nate, "This chick thinks you're a Samoan.... I told her you were French."  He laughed, I laughed and now I had him set up for the rest of the time he worked for me.

Any time I needed Nate to help a customer, I would tell the customer, "Yeah, if you go up front and talk to the big Puerto Rican gentleman" or some other ridiculous shit, "he can help you out''.  I didn't know who would find the humor in that.  I mean, I knew I would and thought Nate might get a kick out of it too.  

One night a few months later, a young lady that I was not familiar with came up to me and said, "I put some money in the pool table and we didn't get all of the balls."  I thought, "here's my chance".  I said, "Oh man, I hate when that happens.  Go up front and speak to the big Filipino guy.  He will fix you up."

She looks at me dead in the eye and says, "You mean Nate?  He's not Filipino, he's Brazilian!"  I never laughed so hard in all of my life!  I don't know if I ever told Nate about that.  It took months for this to come full circle, but damned if it didn't finally do it!  

Nate, J.J, I love you guys and hope you appreciate the story.  You guys are the best!  Thanks for all of the good times and especially for being my friends.  

Karen at the Coffee Shop

None of the following is open for negotiation:  There is no such thing as "almond milk" or "soy milk".  Period, end of discussion.  We've been through this before!  Everyone on the God damned planet knows where milk comes from!  Well, apparently not everyone.  "Karen" at the coffee shop must have missed out on my rant about "soy milk" in the past.  Fortunately enough for her, I was present and available to give her and the others standing around this morning a tutorial.

Coffee is essential.  I have at least one big ass cup of coffee every morning.  Sometimes 1 big ass cup is just not enough for me to be able to face the day, so I have to make a special stop to acquire another cup.  Today was one of those days.

Luckily, there is a handy little coffee shop on my way to work.  Sometimes there is no wait.  Today was a bit different.  There were exactly 4 people in line in front of me.  As usual, there was the trendy hipster guy with the cuffed skinny jeans and the giant beard too big for his small head.  He always gets some Chai bullshit on ice.  I'm pretty sure you could just serve this jackass anything and convince him it is exactly what he ordered.

Then there is the Mexican lady with her daughter.  Cutest kid in the whole world!  Mom just wants a cup of coffee, black and a juice of some sorts for her daughter.  She is on her way to work and doesn't have the time to screw around.  I like this lady!

Then there's "Karen".  Fuckin Karen, standing there with that hideous fucking hair-do, just waiting to unload some bullshit coffee order on an all too suspecting barista.  Then there's me, taking up the end of the line.

Chip the hipster has his shit together.  He orders his double chai iced bullshit latte and steps aside.  The Mexican lady orders her cup of black coffee and an apple juice as expected, and promptly steps aside... again, as expected.  "Karen" is standing there, looking at her finger nails as if she is the only fucking person in the joint standing in line trying to get a cup of coffee.

Just then, her phone rings which further distracts her.  As she answers the phone, the barista tries to take her order.  In typical "Karen" fashion, she holds up 1 finger to the barista which is apparently universal "Karen" sign language for "Hold on, I am getting ready to be a giant pain in your ass."  The barista quickly turns around, grabs the other peoples orders and sends them on their way.

Karen kind of steps aside...  maybe it wasn't really a step.  Maybe she was just switching the way she stands in order to look more like a twat.  I'm not sure, but it fooled both the barista and I.  I tried to step around her to place my order, which was going to be short and sweet, by the way... and then Karen decides it is indeed her turn and she won't be denied!

"Excuse me'' she exclaims, in only a most Karen like fashion.  "I am next."  I calmly nodded and said, "Hang up the phone, keep your ass in line, step up and order your bullshit drink and lets get on with our day, shall we?" 

Naturally this set Karen back on her heels.  (Nobody has ever talked to "Karen" this way....)  "I beg your pardon?" she says.  My reply was about as direct as it could be considering the circumstances.  "Look lady, you stepped aside as the barista motioned for you to step up and place your order.  You decided that your phone call was going to be more important, so you answered it and I tried to step around you.  You then decided to call me on my move and here we both are, still standing in line, waiting to order.  Get your ass up there and order some coffee, pay for that shit and get out of the way.... and so help me God, if you order some shit with "soy milk" or "almond milk", I am going to lose my fucking mind."

Karen is frozen at this point.  Her chin drops and hits her chest.   She hesitantly steps up, looks back at me, I point to the barista and say, "Just order..." 

The barista very politely says, "Can I take your order, ma'am?"  What should have happened in any other circumstance would have been, Karen would have placed her order, paid for that shit and stepped aside.... Nope!  Not Karen!  She's been "wronged" by the big idiot behind her and now she needs to let the world know.  "Who does this guy think he is?" she asked the barista.  Unapologetically the barista says, "I don't know ma'am.  He looks like a guy on a mission to get a cup of coffee and get on his way to work." 

The barista knows whats going on!  She got the memo!  She knows how important this shit is.  She wants to do her job, get this show on the road and make some people happy.  Then Karen's ass shows up and just throws a monkey shit throwing fit, as she usually does, just to ruin everyones day, including her own.  You see... Karen's aren't smart enough to know that it is them that is fucking everything up.

She looks back at me.  I point at the barista.  The barista again says, "Can I help you?"  Then it happens.... Karen orders the most bullshit Karen order of all fucking times!!!!  "I would like to have the turkey bacon and cream cheese sous vide egg bites, the avocado and tomato toast made on a panini rather than the whole wheat or sourdough bread that it is normally made on,  I would like a double chai latte with 2 double shots of lemon grass energy boosts and I need double espresso with half almond milk and half soy milk."  The barista rings up the order and tells her the total.  Karen looks at me and I shake my head.

I know she is going to say something.  She almost has to in order to try to save face.  I wasn't sure what it was going to be, but I knew she would say something.  Then it happened.  "What?  What are you shaking your head about?" 

"Karen, I am shaking my head because your whole life is a sham!  First of all, you ordered some shit that isn't even on the menu.  Look at the menu and find sous vide egg bites... go ahead.  I've got the time.  Let me help you, Karen.  It's not on the menu, and you just aren't that special.  The scrambled egg, bacon and cream cheese sandwich is on the menu and like the barista, I think this is what you wanted to order but you took it one step further by ordering some other shit that doesn't exist.  Turkey bacon.... there's no such thing.  There is turkey breast, turkey legs, turkey thighs, turkey guts, turkey feathers, turkey shit, turkey eggs, turkey guts and turkey coops.  Some dipshit decided he could dye turkey to look like bacon and call it turkey bacon, and that person was likely another Karen.... but the shit doesn't exist Karen.  It's turkey.  Bacon is bacon and you can never, ever fuck bacon up bad enough to taste like turkey.  Consequently Karen, there is nothing you can do to make turkey taste like bacon.  Its impossible.  And Karen, do you know what else is impossible?  Getting milk from a nut or a bean!  You can't do it!  Milk comes from tits.  Beans and nuts don't have tits!  Where is the tit on an almond, Karen?  Where?  Is it the little pointy thing, or is that the almond head?  There is no head on an almond either, Karen.  Its all almond... no tits, no feet, no head... just almond.  Soy is just the same.  Its a god damned bean, precious.  A titless, god damned bean, but some asshole decided to squeeze a bean, put the shit in a carton and call it milk.  Good enough for you and the rest of the frauds in the world, eh Karen?''

I step around Karen, smile and say, "May I have a large cup of coffee please?"  The barista said, "Yes you may.  Should I leave some room for some cream?  We have individual cream containers at the end of the counter."  I smiled again and said, "That would be delightful." 

I paid the young lady and she turned around and poured my cup of coffee.  At this point, my back was towards this woman, but I could feel Karen staring daggers into the back of my skull.  I picked up my coffee and walked down to the end of the counter.  I opened a small individual contain her cream, caught Karen's eye, pointed at my nipple and poured the cream in the coffee. 

I had gone on long enough to where I even made my own self slightly uncomfortable.  As I walked out the door I thought to myself, "I've got to learn to reel this shit in and just not say anything."  As the door opened, Karen said "Good riddance".  I turned around, smiled and said, "Moo."

I am endeavoring to be a better person.  You probably couldn't tell from this encounter... or a few of the other ones I've written about.  Anyhow, I hope everyone has a good day.  Eat real bacon and drink real milk please.

"The Jack-Mormon 500!"

Ladies and Gentleman,

"That was our National Anthem, performed by the Smoot Shiny Kazoo Quartet and brought to you by a half smoked pack of Camel lights!  Thanks for tuning into the Western Wyoming Sports Channel.  My name is Rip Biffler and I'll be calling the race today with my good friend, color commentator and part time Teton County School District Janitor, Chip Randy!"

Chip:  "Thanks Rip, and as usual, I am glad to be here on this beautiful, February morning! I am super excited for what should turn out to be a good race!"

Rip:  "This is indeed a great morning for the daily race from Star Valley Wyoming into Jackson's Hole.  Listen, before we get into today's race line up, we have our man on the track, Lincoln County's own unofficial representative from the DOT, Ed.  Hey Ed, can you give us an update on the track conditions today?"

Ed:  "Yep....."

Rip:  "Ed, are you still with us?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Are you going to give us an update on the track conditions?"

Ed:  "Yep...."

Rip:  "Go ahead, Ed... we don't have all day..."

Ed:  "Well, its kind of the same thing every day.  Probably some ice in a few spots.  Pot holes are starting to hatch.  Plenty of gravel on the roads to break some windshields.  Probably some elk and or deer available to ruin a few front ends.  The High Way Patrol hasn't been out too much lately, so I expect to see some really shitty driving!"

Rip:  "Thanks Ed.  So Chip, let me ask you a question as a daily racer.  What do you expect to see today?

Chip:  "Well Rip, it's a packed field today with all of the usual suspects.  I expect the Evan's Construction Chevy Pick up truck to make a few aggressive passes just after Alpine Junction to take the early lead headed into the canyon.  I suspect the white late model Toyota 4 Runner to be up to his usual tricks, tail gating, running with his high beams on the entire distance and passing in every no passing zone.  As Ed said, the track is in its usual shape for this time of year so who knows what kind of bullshit high jinx we are in for."

Rip:  "Let's not forget the old white 4 door sedan driven by the lady who has too many dogs!  She is in the mix up every day, Chip.  She hasn't a clue as to what she is doing on the road.  I've never seen such a clueless shitbag trying to drive and feed her 11 dogs a half of a bologna sandwich but she is out there, every day causing grief and dissention.  Let's also not forget the Teton Motors Loaner car.  It's on the track nearly every day driven by a different driver!  You're never quite for sure what kind of a junk show you will run into there!"

Chip:  "Valid point about the dog lady!  She feeds the dogs a sandwich, smokes a cigarette and almost always throws the butt into the back seat and starts some kind of a dumpster fire.  Not sure how she keeps that equipment on the track."

Rip:  "From the looks of her quarter panels, Chip... she doesn't do too good of a job."

Chip: "Touche` my good man!  Touche`!  Well Rip, it looks like we are about ready to race!"

Rip:  "As you know Chip, the field is at least 1,000 drivers strong, so we wont be able to actually name them all but we will do our best to get to the best of them, but first... a word from our sponsor.

EVERY DAY IS RACE DAY, HERE AT KJ'S.  WE'LL SELL YOU SOME DIESEL... WE'LL SELL YOU SOME GAS....  WE'LL SELL YOU SOME PIZZA, CHIPS, A HOT SANDWICH AND SOME CBD GUMMIES!!!  STOP ON IN FOR A COUPLE OF CANS OF 4 LOCO AND SOME FIREWORKS AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE OUR FULL SERVICE SHITTER!  RACE DAY AT KJ'S!!!  GET YOU SOME, BITCH!

Rip:  "Thanks to the good folks over at KJ's.  Have you ever tried their coffee?  It's loaded with caffeine and will have you shaking like a cat shitting a peach seed.  Get you a cup before heading up the canyon!  Now, its time for the daily line up.....  Starting in the #1 and #2 positions are the plow trucks.  In the #3 position we have the 35mph Toyota pick up guy.  In the #4 position we have old Ford truck guy who probably needs some kind of a carb adjustment... smells like he is running a little rich every day.  In the #5 position we have the guy who drives the length of the canyon with his blinker on.  In the #6 position we have the lady who used to work at the Dollar Tree.  In the #7 position we have the guy driving the cement pump truck.  In the #8 position we have the Jenkins Lumber delivery truck.  From there back a couple of positions we have a few yahoos, idiots and assholes.  Back in the #25 spot we have the guy who hits his brakes way too often, for no good god damned reason at all followed by the old black dodge flat bed pick up truck.  He'll be followed by some more idiots including the lady with too many dogs, the Century Link truck and the Dudley's.

Chip:  Rip, if I an interrupt for a minute.  The Dudley's are driving the little car today.  It gets better gas mileage and that will allow them to stop in at Hoback Junction so Mr. Dudley can get a can of chew.  Nice little car, I believe its a foreign job and probably gets 30 miles per gallon or so, fully equipped with a tiny 4 cylinder motor and a fucking thing that beeps every time they get too close to the center line.  Totally aggravating when you're behind the wheel!  If Brice is driving today, he will for sure be getting an ear full from the beeper and the misses.... Good luck to them!

Rip:  Great point, Chip.  That beeping thing is aggravating!  You can almost hear the F-Bombs flying out the drivers side window.  The word is, that little car does have seat heaters though and it keeps everyone's ass warm on these cold mornings.  Maybe that will be helpful this morning.

Chip:  Rip, who else do we have in the line up?

Rip:  From this point on Chip, it's a hodge podge mixture of the usual suspects.  Carpenters, teachers, plumbers, HVAC guys, the dude who used to play guitar on the town square that used sticks to dig coins out from between the cracks in the boardwalks during the summer time, a few cops and Teton County Sheriff Deputies will be in the mix, the High Country Linens box truck and the one guy who missed the turn to Idaho Falls!  It's going to be another exciting day of racing, Chip and we are moments away from the starting flag!

Chip:  This is just in, Rip.  Summer residents Tim and Judy Sharp from Valdosta, Florida are in town today but will not be racing.  It appears as if the Sharps either have the Corona virus or got food poisoning from some truck stop sushi in Rock Springs yesterday.  Both folks have a fever, the chills and hostile diarrhea.  Nobody in Lincoln county knows what the Corona virus really is and frankly, nobody gives a shit either.  We all know we don't want it, so keep your asses on lock down, Tim and Judy!

Rip:  Ive just been told that they waved the flag 3 minutes ago when the Evans Construction guy came flying out Star Valley Ranch to take the lead!  He's being followed by the guy who used to stutter that worked at the movie theater!

Chip:  That guy is cool.  Gave me free popcorn once.  He also told me that they used only real sea salt on their popcorn.

Rip:  That's probably why its so addicting!  I always get that big ass bucket of popcorn, myself.

Chip:  Heavy on the butter?

Rip:  I drink that fake butter, Chip.  My colon is cleaner than the Bishops driving record!  It's something else!

Chip:  Well, I'll have to take your word on that.  I will not be doing any kind of an investigation.

Rip:  I appreciate that, Chip.  Hey!  Don't look now but the Pocatello Sod truck just turned into the canyon from the junction!  He's empty.... what in the hell is he doing here this time of year?

Chip:  Great pass move around the 35 mile per hour Toyota truck guy!  of course everyone will be passing that idiot!  But behind him is the guy in the green Subaru with the broken tail light!  He's been racing up the canyon for the last 3 years and has somehow managed to not get popped for that tail light!  That's one of the better stories happening here today, Rip!

Rip:  I agree.  I think I once got a ticket from the highway patrol because I thought I had a broken tail light.  Those troopers are something else, Chip.  Sneaky bastards, using the pull outs as places to hide. 

Chip:  They are... They are...  Rip, it looks like the guy who used to work for the Chamber of Commerce down in Kemmerer is making a few aggressive passes in a no passing zone.  He's not a regular driver but I'd guess his coffee and bran muffin are starting to do their job and he is looking for a little relief!

Rip:  He'll play hell looking for relief there, as he just passed the Wolf Creek Camp Ground!

Chip:  I think you're right, Rip.  The good news is, he has that 87 Jeep Cherokee with the broken ski rack running in top condition.  He'll need that in order to come into Hoback Junction and claim a stall in the Hoback Market bathroom!

Rip:  We now have them running 3 wide at the blue Cliffs!

Chip:  3 wide with the white 4 runner guy trying to take the inside lane!

Rip:  How is he managing to do that there on this track today?

Chip:  I think he is going to try to take advantage of the upcoming potholes at Taco Hole, Rip.  If he plans this right, he can force the rusty 2 door sedan to back off a little and then overtake the guy from the auto parts store on the straight away!

Rip:  Fantastic bullshit driving today so far, Chip!  I've never seen such bullshit!

Chip:  Oh, you need to move down to Alpine, Rip.  Living in that east Jackson condo with 7 room mates has spoiled you on the commute.  What do you guys pay for rent over there, Rip?

Rip:  Each one of us pays $1600 a month and its a bonus for me because I get to sleep in the broken shower stall.  Beats that commute anyday!  This just in... it appears as if there is some kind of quagmire near the Elbow.  Lets go live to Ed at the elbow.  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Yep....

Rip:  What can you tell us about the quagmire, Ed?

Ed: ..........

Rip:  Ed, are you there?

Ed:  Huh?

Rip:  Are you there at the Elbow?  What's going on?

Ed:  I found a bag of Wendy's trash at the side of the road.  I think everyone thought it was one of those big ass snow clods off of a semi.  Turns out, there is a half eaten chicken nugget in there that looks pretty good.  It does have some ketchup on it and I am kind of impartial to ketchup.

Rip:  Is it really affecting the traffic?

Ed:  The ketchup?

Rip:  No, you fucking idiot!  The trash in the road.

Ed:  Oh, no.  I don't think so.  That was probably me.  I was standing in the road looking for a couple of fries to go with my half eaten chicken nugget.

Rip:  Jesus Christ, Ed.  No wonder why road rage is on the rise!

Chip:  Wendy's isn't an official sponsor.  We probably shouldn't mention their name.

Rip:  I'm good with that.  Can we not mention Ed either?  He must have gotten into the leaded paint chips as a kid, I'd guess.

Chip:  I don't know anything about that, but I do know that Ed was once married to his mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles next door neighbors sisters, brother.... Yeah, I think I got that right.

Rip:  Speaking of sponsors, Chip... I think we need to mention the guy who makes all of the shitty re-tread tires that come apart in the canyon all year long!  He sucks!  And to the guys who keep pissing in milk jugs and throwing them out along the road, nice work!  Nothing like jugs of rancid piss!

Chip:  Well, Rip, its been an exciting race day so far.  Nobody is in the ditch yet.  Most of the commute is over for most people and at least half of the drivers have already punched the time clock at their respective jobs!

Rip:  That's another good point, Chip!  With the roads as dry as they are, speeds are up over the posted limit with the exception of 35 mph guy who just got into the canyon.  Everyone else is working diligently at their respective jobs.  Not that guy, though.

Rip:  Chip, I can't thank you enough for the color commentary.  Your professionalism and knowledge are unsurpassed.  It's always a privilege!

Chip"  Rip, thank you.

Rip:  This concludes our coverage of today's Jack Mormon 500.  We'd like to thank our sponsors... half pack of Camel lights, some jugs of piss, the empty Wendys bag and KJS.  Rip Biffler, signing off from the Teton County Transfer Station.   Thanks for driving like shit!