Karen at the Coffee Shop

None of the following is open for negotiation:  There is no such thing as "almond milk" or "soy milk".  Period, end of discussion.  We've been through this before!  Everyone on the God damned planet knows where milk comes from!  Well, apparently not everyone.  "Karen" at the coffee shop must have missed out on my rant about "soy milk" in the past.  Fortunately enough for her, I was present and available to give her and the others standing around this morning a tutorial.

Coffee is essential.  I have at least one big ass cup of coffee every morning.  Sometimes 1 big ass cup is just not enough for me to be able to face the day, so I have to make a special stop to acquire another cup.  Today was one of those days.

Luckily, there is a handy little coffee shop on my way to work.  Sometimes there is no wait.  Today was a bit different.  There were exactly 4 people in line in front of me.  As usual, there was the trendy hipster guy with the cuffed skinny jeans and the giant beard too big for his small head.  He always gets some Chai bullshit on ice.  I'm pretty sure you could just serve this jackass anything and convince him it is exactly what he ordered.

Then there is the Mexican lady with her daughter.  Cutest kid in the whole world!  Mom just wants a cup of coffee, black and a juice of some sorts for her daughter.  She is on her way to work and doesn't have the time to screw around.  I like this lady!

Then there's "Karen".  Fuckin Karen, standing there with that hideous fucking hair-do, just waiting to unload some bullshit coffee order on an all too suspecting barista.  Then there's me, taking up the end of the line.

Chip the hipster has his shit together.  He orders his double chai iced bullshit latte and steps aside.  The Mexican lady orders her cup of black coffee and an apple juice as expected, and promptly steps aside... again, as expected.  "Karen" is standing there, looking at her finger nails as if she is the only fucking person in the joint standing in line trying to get a cup of coffee.

Just then, her phone rings which further distracts her.  As she answers the phone, the barista tries to take her order.  In typical "Karen" fashion, she holds up 1 finger to the barista which is apparently universal "Karen" sign language for "Hold on, I am getting ready to be a giant pain in your ass."  The barista quickly turns around, grabs the other peoples orders and sends them on their way.

Karen kind of steps aside...  maybe it wasn't really a step.  Maybe she was just switching the way she stands in order to look more like a twat.  I'm not sure, but it fooled both the barista and I.  I tried to step around her to place my order, which was going to be short and sweet, by the way... and then Karen decides it is indeed her turn and she won't be denied!

"Excuse me'' she exclaims, in only a most Karen like fashion.  "I am next."  I calmly nodded and said, "Hang up the phone, keep your ass in line, step up and order your bullshit drink and lets get on with our day, shall we?" 

Naturally this set Karen back on her heels.  (Nobody has ever talked to "Karen" this way....)  "I beg your pardon?" she says.  My reply was about as direct as it could be considering the circumstances.  "Look lady, you stepped aside as the barista motioned for you to step up and place your order.  You decided that your phone call was going to be more important, so you answered it and I tried to step around you.  You then decided to call me on my move and here we both are, still standing in line, waiting to order.  Get your ass up there and order some coffee, pay for that shit and get out of the way.... and so help me God, if you order some shit with "soy milk" or "almond milk", I am going to lose my fucking mind."

Karen is frozen at this point.  Her chin drops and hits her chest.   She hesitantly steps up, looks back at me, I point to the barista and say, "Just order..." 

The barista very politely says, "Can I take your order, ma'am?"  What should have happened in any other circumstance would have been, Karen would have placed her order, paid for that shit and stepped aside.... Nope!  Not Karen!  She's been "wronged" by the big idiot behind her and now she needs to let the world know.  "Who does this guy think he is?" she asked the barista.  Unapologetically the barista says, "I don't know ma'am.  He looks like a guy on a mission to get a cup of coffee and get on his way to work." 

The barista knows whats going on!  She got the memo!  She knows how important this shit is.  She wants to do her job, get this show on the road and make some people happy.  Then Karen's ass shows up and just throws a monkey shit throwing fit, as she usually does, just to ruin everyones day, including her own.  You see... Karen's aren't smart enough to know that it is them that is fucking everything up.

She looks back at me.  I point at the barista.  The barista again says, "Can I help you?"  Then it happens.... Karen orders the most bullshit Karen order of all fucking times!!!!  "I would like to have the turkey bacon and cream cheese sous vide egg bites, the avocado and tomato toast made on a panini rather than the whole wheat or sourdough bread that it is normally made on,  I would like a double chai latte with 2 double shots of lemon grass energy boosts and I need double espresso with half almond milk and half soy milk."  The barista rings up the order and tells her the total.  Karen looks at me and I shake my head.

I know she is going to say something.  She almost has to in order to try to save face.  I wasn't sure what it was going to be, but I knew she would say something.  Then it happened.  "What?  What are you shaking your head about?" 

"Karen, I am shaking my head because your whole life is a sham!  First of all, you ordered some shit that isn't even on the menu.  Look at the menu and find sous vide egg bites... go ahead.  I've got the time.  Let me help you, Karen.  It's not on the menu, and you just aren't that special.  The scrambled egg, bacon and cream cheese sandwich is on the menu and like the barista, I think this is what you wanted to order but you took it one step further by ordering some other shit that doesn't exist.  Turkey bacon.... there's no such thing.  There is turkey breast, turkey legs, turkey thighs, turkey guts, turkey feathers, turkey shit, turkey eggs, turkey guts and turkey coops.  Some dipshit decided he could dye turkey to look like bacon and call it turkey bacon, and that person was likely another Karen.... but the shit doesn't exist Karen.  It's turkey.  Bacon is bacon and you can never, ever fuck bacon up bad enough to taste like turkey.  Consequently Karen, there is nothing you can do to make turkey taste like bacon.  Its impossible.  And Karen, do you know what else is impossible?  Getting milk from a nut or a bean!  You can't do it!  Milk comes from tits.  Beans and nuts don't have tits!  Where is the tit on an almond, Karen?  Where?  Is it the little pointy thing, or is that the almond head?  There is no head on an almond either, Karen.  Its all almond... no tits, no feet, no head... just almond.  Soy is just the same.  Its a god damned bean, precious.  A titless, god damned bean, but some asshole decided to squeeze a bean, put the shit in a carton and call it milk.  Good enough for you and the rest of the frauds in the world, eh Karen?''

I step around Karen, smile and say, "May I have a large cup of coffee please?"  The barista said, "Yes you may.  Should I leave some room for some cream?  We have individual cream containers at the end of the counter."  I smiled again and said, "That would be delightful." 

I paid the young lady and she turned around and poured my cup of coffee.  At this point, my back was towards this woman, but I could feel Karen staring daggers into the back of my skull.  I picked up my coffee and walked down to the end of the counter.  I opened a small individual contain her cream, caught Karen's eye, pointed at my nipple and poured the cream in the coffee. 

I had gone on long enough to where I even made my own self slightly uncomfortable.  As I walked out the door I thought to myself, "I've got to learn to reel this shit in and just not say anything."  As the door opened, Karen said "Good riddance".  I turned around, smiled and said, "Moo."

I am endeavoring to be a better person.  You probably couldn't tell from this encounter... or a few of the other ones I've written about.  Anyhow, I hope everyone has a good day.  Eat real bacon and drink real milk please.