Oatmilk...

So, there I was enjoying a rare day for me.  Everything was going along just as it should.  My mind was clear and quiet.  It was zen-like.  Then it happens.  My phone chimes to alert me of a new text message.  When it comes to text messages, I often prefer them to a phone call.  You can keep them short and sweet, stick to the topic and then have written proof of the conversation.

The problem with this particular text message was, it was from a 5 digit phone number.  I was afraid to answer it thinking it would be some idiot telling me that my vehicle warranty was about to expire.  Actually, that would have been a blessing.

The text message was a small photo.  The photo was so small that I had to put on my reading glasses to see it, and even that didn't help.  I spent the next 10 minutes trying to figure out how to enlarge the pic in order to see what in the hell it was.  And after 10 minutes, I feel highly invested at this point.  I'm going to follow though.  Finally, I get the pic to open up and this is what it was.....

Oat Milk...  Oat Milk?  First of all, what is it about me that would make anyone feel as if I would even be remotely interested in Oat Milk?  Secondly, oats are cereal.  You put milk on cereal.  You don't get milk from cereal!  Did they not read my dissertation on Soy Milk???  It's rock solid, scientific!

Now I'm spun out.  Right now, stop what you're doing and go to the grocery store.  Purchase the cheapest or most expensive brand of oatmeal. It doesn't matter, because its grain.  It all comes from the same plant. Take it home, open the container, get you a nice handful of of delicious, dry ass oatmeal and just plop that shit in your mouth... DO IT, GOD DAMN IT!!!!  Do you feel refreshed?  Is your god damned thirst quenched?  Fuck no its not!  Do you know why?  Fucking oatmeal has about as much liquid in it as playground sand! You can't do that shit!  Oats have a negative fluid amount!!!  It takes 2 cups of water to make 1/2 cup of oatmeal edible!  

You can't milk a god damned oat either!  Uhm... did you not read my dissertation on Soy Milk?  Okay, well, in order for you to get milk from anything... it has to have a tit and a nipple!  I went and spent $900.00 on a stupid ass microscope that I will probably never use again and I put 200,000 oats, 1 at a time under the scope and guess what?  Not a tit or a nipple to be found....  Not one!  If 200,000 oats don't have a tit between them, where are you going to find an oat tit!  

You just can't make shit up and call it milk!  You're not fooling anyone, unless you're fooling a god damned vegan, and the only way you can fool them is because they don't have the energy to think clearly enough!!!  They would drink a cup of this goofy shit and get drunk enough off of it that you could convince them that a mashed up carrot, tofu, kale and wheat germ bio-enzyme is a vegetarian steak!  And by the way, wheat germ bio-enzyme doesn't exist either.  I consulted with the soy milk dick and he just told me to "Make some shit up.  We did."

Look, you can't catch the fluid dripping out of a garbage truck in a jaunty little box with a spout on it and call it 'BIG GREEN TRUCK MILK"!  If I ran up and smashed you in the head with a brick, I can't call the blood pouring out of your big, dumb ass head "Brick Milk"!  It doesn't make any fucking sense!!!

So while I am walking around the house, going through all of this shit and losing my mind, my beloved wife calmly says, "Honey, why don't you go buy a carton of oat milk and just give it a try?"  I said, "Wait, what?  Why would I do that?  Oatmilk doesn't exist!  It can't exist without oat tits!  I've done the science... go look at my work bench in the garage!  I have oats all over the place and I looked at every damned oat in there.  No tits.  Not a tit to be found.  So riddle me this, Love of My Life... what is that shit they are selling?"

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "You should try it.  You might like it."  I laughed.  "I already know what it tastes like.  It tastes like sadness and broken dreams!  Why don't you go try it?"  She said, "It's kind of good."  Now I am thinking, "Shit, they got to her...  The fucking fake milk illuminati got her, changed her brains to vegan brains and now she is going to run around and play hacky sac with college freshmen....."

If anyone was going to be mad about this lie forced upon us by the fake milk illuminati, it should be her!  I tried to tell her once that midgets really aren't short but the rest of us all just too tall... she almost didn't marry be because of that!!!  And now she is happy to buy into the oatmilk bullshit???  They took her brain... they took her god damned brain....  Now what am I supposed to do?

Now, if you know me, you know I just can't drop things.  I had to take a walk and try to get this shit out of my mind.  I was gone for 2 hours.  When I came home, the wife asked if everything was okay.  I nodded back and said, "I apologize for my behavior.  If I got out of line with you, I apologize for that too.  And I want you to know that I thought of something that is going to make you feel so much better about diarrhea."  She said, "What? What are you talking about and where did that come from.  Diarrhea is disgusting..." to which I replied, "No it's not.  It's fart milk!"