Hey, how is everybody doing? Good I hope. Things around here are just ducky. I've been busy with a couple of projects and my regular job and that's what kept me away from the old blog. One of the projects that is taking some of my time is the book I started to write about my years in the bar business. I knew writing this book was going to be a challenge but I figured, "You have a million stories and you don't mind writing, so just sit down and pump one out." Turns out, shit is just a little more complicated than that.
Anyhow, that project is creeping along at a snails pace and I am fine with that. Patience isn't one of my stronger traits but I am also working on that. Hang tight and we will see how that goes.
Like I said, its been a while since I dropped something on the blog. I saw something today that is worth mentioning. Have you heard the old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods, does it make any noise?" Yes... yes it does. How do I know? I watched about a 100-150 year old Cottonwood tree just fall over today and the bastard made a good amount of noise. It's not a big deal, right. A tree fell and for the first time in my 55 years, I actually witnessed it and got that answer to that age old question. Now that you know, hopefully you can sleep better at night.
Now, when I witnessed that, I was reminiscing about something from my youth. Its going to be a bit of a stretch putting together watching a tree fall and see if it makes noise and a skanky titty bar, but I'm your guy. Put your reading helmet on and read along with the rest of the class.
Okay, tree falling in the woods and a skanky titty bar. Up until today, I've never seen or heard a tree fall in the woods. There was a point in time where I had never been in a topless bar either. By the time I was 21, I thought I dreamed of every kind of boob there was. I was lucky enough to have seen a couple by then, but I was not ready for what I would encounter at Bob's Tit's and Shit.
I think that was the name of the joint. It was a 24 hour titty bar and breakfast buffet. And when I say skanky, I really mean no offense to the wonderful women who worked there. They all seemed to be very kind but just a little different looking. A couple of them looked like men... out of work long haul truckers or perhaps plumbers. Who knows, but nice gals nonetheless.
So I turn 21 and as was the thing in those days, off to the titty bar you go. The good ones were too expensive. This one was just my price. Beer was $2.00 a bottle and if one was so inclined, the breakfast buffet was about $4.59 plus tax.
The DJ was busy spinning tunes and introducing the strippers as they came out on the stage. He said, "The buffet is featuring Cinnamon Rolls....Speaking of Cinnamon, here is Cinnamon the stripper dancing to "Girls, Girls, Girls from Motley Crue". Pretty good song, if you ask me so I sauntered up to the stage to get a look at Cinnamon. Turns out, old Cinnamon was a bit of a train wreck. She did have more teeth than she did hair, so for those of us concerned with dental hygiene, she could have been a winner.
She got done with her dance and the DJ began to introduce another stripper. "17" from Winger was cranked up on the sound system. I was fixing to leave because everyone knows 17 will get you 20, even with consent, but out comes this gal named "Candy". The DJ said, "Everyone, give it up for Candy, the 3 nippled stripper."
When I heard that, I spilled my beer. I never heard of anyone having 3 nipples and figured that there was no better time to learn about this shit. Reading right to left like we normally do, she had 2 regular run of the mill nipples and something that looked like a smooshed raisin on the side of her left boob.
As I looked at it, I thought we were being taken for a ride. I mean, it looked drawn on. I wasn't buying it, but like a good car wreck, I couldn't quit looking. She crept over my way. I say crept because she fell out of her half of a wooden leg and had no other way to get around the stage. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Do you like?" I scratched my head, threw her a dollar and hoped that she would move along.
Well, as it turns out, I was the only customer in the joint. Where was she going to creep off to? Instead she rolled around on the stage and had bottle caps and torn off beer labels stuck to her ass and back. She looked me dead in the eye again and said, "Would you buy me a drink when I get off stage?"
Since I had no witnesses, I obliged. She hopped up to me wearing a thong that looked like it was made out of the seat cover off of a 72 VW bus and a "Who Farted" half t-shirt. I was kind of scared, but I had to get to the bottom of the 3 nipple thing.
She pulled up a chair and ordered herself a beer. She said, "You seem normal. What are you doing in here?" I said, "Oh, my 21st birthday is today so I wanted to see what all of the hype was about." She said, "If you get me drunk, I will give you a free table dance." I reminded her that it would be nearly impossible without that wooden leg that was still on the stage.
As she removed her dentures and took a sip of her beer. I said, "So tell me about the 3 nipple situation." "It's very common. It's technically called Polynesia." I knew that was wrong, but I was intrigued by this point. She continued, "Men have it too, sometimes. In fact 1 in 76 people have it. It affects people differently. Sometimes women who have this actually have a small 3rd breast. I don't have that."
I nodded, but thought if she did have a 3rd breast, it could have been an improvement. This poor gal had just about nothing going for her. Wooden leg, 3 nipples, full dentures.... the denture thing may have been her only positive attribute!
Candy invited me back to her place. I would rather have been kidnapped by the damned drug cartels. I found a way to politely say no. I ran... I just ran.
So now, I had this new information that I kind of wanted to share with my friends but the problem was, I knew they'd ask "How do you know people can have 3 nipples". Then I'd have to drag them to the shittiest titty bar in the country and introduce them to "Candy". So, I kept silent for 34 years...
By the way, the 3 nipple thing is real. Supernumerary nipples are what they are called and the condition is called polythelia. If it attached to real breast tissue, its called something else. Look, I'm not a doctor but I do know some shit.
Now you can't say that I didn't teach you anything. I've got other stories about the human body based upon my years of research. Perhaps I will get around to telling you a few of them. In the mean time, be safe, be kind and quit thinking about people with 3 nipples... I dare ya!
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