"What do I do if a bear shits on my porch?''

 

Hey, good morning!  Happy Friday!  I hope your coffee is hot and in abundance.  I know I am going to need a lot of it.  Didn't sleep so good last night and it looks as if a few of my friends were in the same boat.  Is this part of getting old?  I don't know, that's why I am asking.

That brings me to this.  Now, for those of you who really know me, you could say and probably would  say that I can be a bit of a smart ass.  I've tried to clean that up a bit with little or no success, but at least I try to be mindful when I speak.  That doesn't always work either.

The other day, I had one of the caretakers on property tell me that they had bear sign all around the house and property that he looks after.  To me, that isn't so surprising.  I've been in this neck of the woods for at least 33 years, maybe longer.  But, we do get bears around here.

As he and I discussed this situation, another caretaker came in and caught a part of the conversation.  He looked on with interest but then quickly excused himself.  Anyhow, the guy I was initially talking to excused himself and I went about emailing my bosses to let them know that we do indeed have bears on property.  (This is in an effort to inform those who have little or no experience in bear habitat."

As the morning progresses, I am sitting here doing my job and I get a call from the the other guy who came in during the bear conversation.  He properly and professionally let me know who he was and quickly got to the meat of the situation.  

"What do I do if a bear shits on my porch?"  I paused.  I had to.  I owed it to myself.  Someone was talking to me in a professional capacity and I do get asked questions like this on the regular.  The answer deserves a modicum of professionalism, but gawd damn if I wasn't fighting off a case of the "can't help its".

What does that statement even mean?  I mean, its bear shit!  You're kind of limited on what you are going to do with a steaming pile of bear shit.  Believe me, I came up with dozens of smart ass comments. None of them helpful, by the way, but they are still options. Please see below...

"Gift it to a friend."

"Water it and see if it grows."

"Name it and start a college fund for it."

"Sprinkle it on toast."

"Bring it inside since its getting cold out."

"Knit it a scarf."

It's bear shit!  You've got 2 valid options and 1 of them isn't as good as the other one.  Pick it up or leave it there.  That's it.  What if it was duck shit?  Do we have to go through this again?  Dog shit, moose shit, deer shit, horse shit, cow shit, human shit...  Fucking get rid of it!

"Put a leash on it and walk it around the cul-de-sac" is what I ended up suggesting.  Complete silence on the other end.  I regretted it the moment I said it.  I chuckled a little and said, "That was a joke.  I'm a funny guy, sometimes.  I mean, who would walk a shit around the neighborhood, right?"  Still silence...

"Are you still there?" I asked.  His reply:  "Why would I do that?"  I laughed and said, "Uh, you wouldn't.  You'd pick it up and dispose of it."  His replay... "In the trash or do I flush it?"  I couldn't help myself at this point.  I said, "Well, I guess a 3rd option would be to give the bear a set of keys to the house and teach him to shit in the toilet."

He finally figured out that I was messing with him.  He laughed, I laughed.  "Put a leash on it..." he said and cracked up.  When he quit laughing he said, "You made my day, man.  Thanks for that."

Who knew you could make someones day by telling them hypothetical things you could do with bear shit?  I guess we all do now.

Okay kids, I have work to do.  Someone has a mouse turd that needs a talking too, I'm sure.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  Do something fun and be safe.

Until next time......

BD