The Good Old Days

 

I remember hearing my grandfather talk about "the good old days".  Back then, I had no idea what he was talking about.  I was like 5 or 6 years old the first time I heard him mention them.  I had no life experience to go on.  I mean, I was 5 or 6.  The good old days for me then would have been last Tuesday or something.

Now that I am a good deal older, I too look back on "the good old days".  As we age, I think we all do and I also think it means different things for most of us.  For instance, some may remember the good old days of being days you could sleep through the night and not have to pee 3 times.  Others may remember them as the days of being super active and waking up with no aches or pains.  Still, others may consider the good old days as being able to remember where they sat their car keys down.  

I pee 2 to 3 times a night these days.  I have new aches and pains almost daily.  I have spent an hour looking for my car keys when they were in my left front pocket.  This has nothing to do with the good old days for me.  Nope.  

The good old days for me was when I had my mullet!!!  Hear me out.  I was in my early 20's.  My mullet provided me with superpowers that I had all but forgotten!  I felt a little bit like the red neck man of mystery.  I could day drink all day.  I could night drink all that night.  I could get a phone call the next morning from work because they needed me to cover a shift, and I would handle business with a damned hangover that could kill a science lab cat!  BOOM!!! Superpower shit!

I met the love of my life while having the Power Mullet!  30+ years later, still married, still kicking ass together!  BOOM!  Superpower shit!

I tried to get my wife pregnant after we got married.  Nothing... Do you know why?  I cut my hair, that's why.  No mullet, no babies, baby.  Grew that bad mother lover back and BOOM-BOOM!  Two healthy, happy baby boys!  Superpower shit!

I could break up a fight in the bar, get punched in the face while doing so... BOOM!  That shit didn't even almost hurt!  Superpower shit!

My first pronghorn antelope hunt... my dad was witness to this.  He's not with us any longer and cannot verify but, I bestowed some SUPERPOWER shit on him.  I made an incredible shot on a nice buck.  You know why... the mullet provided me with some unadulterated Superpower shit!!!

I wasn't taking PED's.  I wasn't reading or learning new shit!  I didn't have time for that!  My mullet and I had shit to take care of!  We acted and we reacted all in an attempt to make the world a better place, and it was!

Biggest fish I ever caught... was with my mullet.  Biggest deer and elk I ever harvested... was with my mullet.  Survived a truck jump while hunting antelope with my dad...  while sporting my mullet.  I probably could have been killed 300 times, but the mullet wouldn't let it happen.  We had shit to do!

My mullet was a cloak of invincibility.  For about a 10 year span, me and my mullet were kings!  We were known throughout the land for out philanthropic endeavors.  We slowed global warming.  Todays billionaires came to me and my mullet for advice, and just look at them now!  Those guys are kicking financial ass... thanks to me and my mullet!

I was a more competent friend and a more fierce adversary when I had my mullet.

It's hard to believe that I was once better looking than I am now... I know... but I was with my mullet.

Stronger!  I was stronger with my mullet... That's not true.  I was stronger when I had my head shaved, but the spirit of the mullet ran strong within me!

This is what the good old days are about to me.  I made a major life decision this morning.  The mullet is coming back.  I need it's goodness, wholesomeness and its superpowers now more than anything.  This getting old shit is for the birds and my mullet can help me conquer old age!  I'm sure of it.  It has to be true.

I was way more fucking awesome when I had my mullet.  Look at the evidence I provided!  There is simply no mistaking this fact!  The world was different when I had my mullet.  These are just the facts, folks.  

I guess another way to look at this was, I was younger then.  Way younger.  Better looking too, but maybe that was just a coincidence.  I don't know.

Since I've gotten older and lost the mullet, I've had things go upside down in my life.  Currently I am nursing a back back to health.  I'm doing PT 2 times a week.  I never needed PT back in those days.  Nowadays, I have to worry about shitting my pants when I sneeze.  That didn't used to be a thing, but it is now.  I can walk inside the house, go into the bathroom, forget why I am there, walk back outside and have to take an emergency piss on the other side of the garage because I forgot I had to pee!  Again, used to not be a thing, but it is now.

You know what?  The more I talk about this, the more I realize that I am just becoming an old fart.  My grandfather never had a mullet.  Maybe he was referring to just being young when he mentioned the good old days.  I don't know.

For the record and just in case, I am going to grow the mullet back.  That shit was awesome!  I may grow the mullet back, get into performing magic with a midget cohort and do my best to change the world one tiny midget step at a time.  Stay tuned!