Good grief, it's September already! So, I was chatting with an old friend that was in the bar business with me. She asked, "Do you remember the cookie cutter incident?". I did. It was one of the weirdest, funniest things that ever happened to me, and she thought that I should share. So with that said, here we go.
Bars are kind of funny places. The bar itself and the employees are there to provide a safe environment to listen to some live entertainment and have a few libations. The staff is trained to look out for anyone who might be getting too intoxicated or anyone who might be infringing upon someone else's good time. In the event of something like this happening, we (the door staff) would run a bit of an intervention.
In my little world of bar management, there were 2 types of interventions. One is the preferred method. This is what I refer to as a "pep talk". The bartender, waitress, doorman or manager acts like a little league coach. He/she goes and has a little chat with the person regarding the issue at hand. We kindly explain the rules and what we would expect to happen, and 9 times out of 10, it all works out and everyone continues to have a good time.
The other is what I like to refer to as a "Come to Jesus meeting". A good "come to Jesus meeting" starts off a little bit like this. By this point, we've had a pep talk with the offender already and for some reason, the bad behavior continues. So, we walk up with 2 of us and play another fun bar game called "good cop/bad cop". You've seen this a million times in cop movies. Good cop starts off talking to the bad guy. When this attempt breaks down, bad cop shows up and lays down the law. Often times, the bad guy decides that he doesn't want to agree and would rather throw a tantrum of some sorts and then be removed from the bar.
This is exactly the case in this particular circumstance.
It was early in the evening but we had a pretty full staff. I noticed a guy walking around. He seemed a little off, but hell.... this is a bar. Most of us are off but we try not to stick out. this guy stuck out. I walked around and made the door staff aware of the guy and told them to keep an eye on him. I pointed the guy out to the waitstaff and bartenders as well.
A bit of time rolls by and it is decided that the gentleman needs a pep talk. He was shooting pool on a couple of tables and was holding up the fun, so I stepped up to have a chat. I explained that it is too hard for some people to be shooting pool on two tables at once. I also explained that both of his pool adversaries were a bit angry that this whole thing was taking too long. I suggested that he shoot pool on one table and one table only.
Oddly, he agreed. He decided that it was best to just concentrate on one game and one table. At this point, all is well with the world. A few minutes goes by and my new friend is talking to himself, pacing and acting just a little more odd. He loses a game of pool and threw his stick on the table. One of the doormen tells him that he can't do that. If he did it again, he would have to go.
I am made aware of this and begin to keep a closer eye on my friend. Now things escalate pretty quickly. This guy starts running his mouth to everyone close to him. It became abundantly clear to me that it was a "Come to Jesus Meeting" time.
I made eye contact with the doormen at the front door as I approached. They knew where I was going. One guy got closer so we could do the good cop/bad cop thing. I explained that I felt he had enough fun in our establishment for the evening and that it would be best for him to travel on and see the sights.
He thought it was best to tell me to go fuck myself, as often happens in situations like this. So I suggested to him in only a voice he could hear that he "grab his shit and start walking towards the front door". He begins to gather his stuff all the while telling me that he is going to kick my ass.
By this time in my career, I have indeed had my ass kicked a few times but was sure that this fellow was incapable. Not that I am or was fighter of the year or anything. I had myself and 3 doormen watching this asshole. No way he gets all 4 of us.
When something like this happens in a bar, there is a lot of unsaid communication going on. Hand gestures, facial or eye gestures and I was doing all of this to clear the way and make sure that we were all on the same page.
Now, as we were walking towards the door, this guy decided that kicking my ass was only his option A. Option B was going to be more graphic, more intense. The guy said, "I am going to get outside and I am going to cut you up."
2 doormen get outside first and post up. I continue outside with the guy and urge him to just move along. Instead, he drops his shit and reaches for his back right pocket. I thought to myself, "Son of a bitch! This idiot is going to try to cut me." Just as I was about to ask my doormen what he was reaching for, and one guy said "He's got something in his hand."
Now, we've upped the ante. This guy is posturing like he is a knife fighter and I am standing in front of him. The thought of getting stabbed didn't seem like a great thing to me, so I told the doorman, "If he pulls this thing, were going to jump on him."
I tell the guy, "Do yourself a favor and just go. You might stab one of us, but you'll never get us all. Then you'll get your ass whipped real good and get to go to jail. I'm doing you a favor. Go away."
You could really feel the tension! This guy was looking pretty serious and anxious at the same time. I was waiting for him to make a move and I was going to let him have it. All of a sudden my doorman laughs and says, "You're okay boss. No way you can get hurt'' and he starts to walk away. I said, "Hey, get over there. Don't leave me hanging." He said, "Nope, you're good. No way you can get hurt." The other doorman says, "You're shitting me." He starts to laugh and all the while my little friend is getting more and more agitated.
The second doorman says, "You've got this guy, boss. I'm going in." Both doormen are laughing, now. I said, "What's he got?" As soon as I said that, the guy pulls his weapon and both doormen say at the same time, "It's a pizza cutter...."
Sure as shit, it was a pizza cutter. I grabbed the pizza cutter out of the guys hand and threw it in the street. I grabbed his bag and threw it in the street too. I told the guy, "Are you out of your mind, pulling a pizza cutter? You could have gotten yourself killed. Get your ass out of here and take that shitty pizza cutter with you."
I walked back in the bar and the whole staff was laughing. A pizza cutter.... that was a first. We joked about it forever. I had forgotten about it until the other day.
Oh well, we all went on to live happy lives without getting shredded by the pizza cutter guy. Not sure what happened to him though. He probably drowned on his own spit.
That right there is funny!
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