Pending surgery:

 

Happy Monday!  I hope everyone is having a peach of a day.  Sure is pretty enough around here to be having a good day.  Not sure why I got a hitch in my giddy-up, but damned if I don't.

I've been talking about my upcoming shoulder surgery a bit lately.  I'm not scared about it.  I just want it done and I want to get through that first week of bullshit, then I will be able to handle everything else.

Surgeries, it seems, are a bit different than the last one I had.  I had an umbilical hernia repaired 25-27 years ago.  Everything that needed to be done was done in the office pre-op.  Nowadays, you get to do a lot of this stuff online.  I'm sure some of you are saying, "Oh yeah, so much more convenient."  Well, your buddy can't figure this shit out.

I had to fill out this thing called a patient portal.  This little gem of an idea is supposed to make corresponding with the surgical center and everyone else involved so much easier.  One of the things it asks you to do is 'produce a strong password'.  

I worked on this bullshit for 45 minutes.  buddhalikesmuffins was not strong enough.  ddbdrdwd1967 wasn't strong enough.  maryhadalittlebuzzard wasn't strong enough.  kickthecat883 wasn't strong enough and it was about at this point that I started losing my shit.

I spelled my childhood address backwards and that wasn't strong enough.  I spelled zyzzyzyermocalif1987 and that wasn't strong enough.  I used copenhagen101.5, KOMProckslasvegas, pocketpuppy, loverlipz, lmaoIamgoingtoshit... none good enough.

I scrolled to the top of the page.  I re-read all of the instructions.  I went back to where I am supposed to type this "strong password".  I typed in brushyeyebrows and noticed a little eyeball icon to the right of it. I clicked on it and it said, burshyeyebrows is taken but brushyeyebrows097 is not.  I type in burshyeyebrows097 and hit enter..... not strong enough.

All of the bullshit I could come up with is not strong enough.  The god damned suggestion that THEY MADE was not strong enough!!!!

Well, I threw my phone in the recycle basket and walked away.  I took a 5 minute walk and came back.  At the bottom of the page I found this nice little "help' button.  I clicked on it and it allowed me to type a message to the "specialist".

I wrote exactly this:  I've been messing with registering for 45 minutes and for one reason or another, I cannot come up with a password that is strong enough.  The little green light says it is STRONG ENOUGH, but as soon as I hit send, I get another FUCKING message that says my password is not strong enough.  Now what?

Cicely, who seems to be a very kind person wrote back.  Her advice was to type a password and if it isn't strong enough, the little eye icon would suggest one that is strong enough.

I replied:  Cicely, no dice.  I typed exactly what they told me was strong enough and it didn't work.  At this point, I'd rather try my hand at stuffing cooked spaghetti noodles up a rabid bobcats ass than play little typewriter games.  I am having a shoulder surgery.  I don't give 2 half shits about anyone knowing my business and I am not in the mood for coming up with an unbreakable code for a fucking password that I'll never, ever remember.

Cicely hasn't responded.  If I were her, I'd be laughing right now.  I don't know what in the world that I am doing wrong but I cannot mess with that shit any more today....  I just can't.  I bet I can't do it tomorrow.  I mean, I have created passwords 100 times at least-no issue!  Why NOW!

By the way, dirtysanchez, dirtyjuanita, dirtypirate, baltimorebrownie, puffypoundcake, fecalfelon, knobgobbler2000, gofuckyourself, gofuckmyself, gofucktheneighbor, Ilovepoliticians, chickenchoker, chokedchicken, wonderbra, elvisshitthebed, hunchbackedmidgethooker and ifmyhearthadanass, i'dkick it.. None of them worked... at one point it told me that I can't use punctuation.

Well, fucked again.  I'll get home and let the wife have a crack at it.  If she gets it....  I don't know what I'll do.  Probably cuss a lot more.  Go throw a hammer or light my cellphone on fire.  I'm done...

Crunchy... they call him Crunchy.

 

Happy Friday and all of that happy horse shit!  I hope everyone is having a great day and is on top of their game.  Me, I'm okay even when I am not so okay.  I always figure it out and I hope that for all of you.

So, the story I am about to tell you goes back some 33-34 years ago.  Its a story of "young love" and all of that mushy, gushy shit that comes around with a brand new relationship.  And, this story has been time tested.  Every time it gets brought up, I get a good laugh out of it and I hope you do too.

Like I said, let us go back some 33-34 years.  DeeDee and I had just moved in together.  We felt comfortable enough doing that, but our relationship was really brand new.  We were young, in love and trying to figure each other out yet.  Each of us has destroyed a home cooked meal, trying to be fancy for the other, so we were in just about that deep.

We knew we loved each other, but we (or should I say I/me) was trying to figure out what I could and couldn't get away with in this relationship.  

We had a tiny little apartment but it was one of the best rent deals going in Teton County.  We had a pretty good neighbor that lived next door.  I met the guy shortly after I moved in and he told me, "Good, glad DeeDee is going to have a man around the house."  He added, "My place is a safe place.  If you ever need anything, let me know."  I shook the man's hand, thanked him and we were off to a good start.

As the days went by, I noticed our neighbor was either home or gone.  You could go weeks without seeing the guy and there was never any foot traffic near his place when he was gone.  When he was there, he always had something going on.  

I don't know what the guy did for a living.  I didn't care.  As long as he was good, I was going to be good too and it all worked out just fine.  

Anyhow, the neighbor had been gone for a while.  When I came home from work one night, I noticed there was a bit of a party going on.  I was invited in but passed on the offer.  I was tired.  We'd had a couple fights in the bar that night and I needed to doctor up some bumps and bruises.

When I walked into the bedroom, I told DeeDee that our neighbor invited me over to party and that I declined the offer.  She had known the man for some time longer than I did.  She reinforced the conclusion I had already come too.  Dude was a nice guy but she understood where I was coming from.  Besides that, we had a bit of a day planned the following morning.

The next morning, DeeDee was going to head to the grocery store.  It was a beautiful morning.  We had some music going and had the front door open.  The neighbor was in and out doing things and had a friend who was going to stick around for a few days.  He introduced us, and.... well, I forgot his name.

DeeDee was getting ready to walk out the door and noticed the neighbors guest.  She asked, "Who is that?"  I told her that it was the neighbors guest, that he was going to be staying around for a few days and that the neighbor had introduced us.

So, this guy-neighbors guest was standing on the bridge.  DeeDee was going to have to walk right by the guy.  She said, "You didn't happen to catch this guys name, did you?"  I said, "Oh yeah, they call him Crunchy."  She didn't doubt me for a second.  I was sitting on the couch as she hit the door and I hear her say, "Good morning, Crunchy!"

I fell off the couch laughing.  The look on the guys face when she called him Crunchy was fucking hilarious, or at least I thought.  It was the look you'd have if someone you didn't know walked up and called you Crunchy.  And in her head, she picked up the look too but thought "Oh, he's amazed that I know his name."

I'm laughing so hard at this point that I have to go shut the door.  I was making a fool out of myself.  I watched old Crunchy contemplate this most recent event with a woman he'd never met.  His face was still kind of screwed up and he kept silently mouthing the word "Crunchy".

It was just too much for me to take.  When DeeDee came home, she asked for help with the groceries.  I was still laughing.  She said, "What's so funny?"  I said, "Did you meet the neighbors guest?"  She said, "Yeah, I walked by, smiled and said "Good Morning, Crunchy".  I started busting up again.  She said, "He was kind of surprised that I knew his name."

Now I am on the floor laughing.  I can't breathe.  I was doing that laugh that looks kind of violent, but you aren't making noise...  She said, "Oh my God!  Are you okay?'' 

I didn't think I was going to be.  Besides not being able to breathe, I figured I was about 5 minutes away from losing my new girlfriend and my new apartment at the same time, and still I could not contain my laughter.  

Finally she said, "What is going on?  What is so funny?"  I said, "Honey, that man's name is not Crunchy.  Nobody's name is Crunchy'' the laughter started again, at least on my end.  She said, "Yeah it is and he was surprised that I knew his name."  

Now I am totally out of control laughing.  She wasn't.  She was still trying to figure out what happened.

She said, "No, he was amazed that I knew his name..." convinced that the fucking guys name was indeed Crunchy.  "He was surprised!"  I finally reeled it in.  I said, "Sweetheart, I don't know that man.  Never met him until about 20 minutes ago, and I forgot his name.  I just kind of thought that his nickname could be Crunchy, so I told you that was his name.  I never in a million years thought you'd walk up to the guy and say "Good Morning Crunchy"

Now she is laughing.  More than I thought she would.  This was good news because I am full of shit like this and if she couldn't take it, the relationship wouldn't make it.

Well, here we are 33-34 years later.  Old Crunchy comes up from time to time.  I later found out what the guys real name was.  I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't buy it.  She bought Crunchy, but she wouldn't buy the guys real name.... and as usual, I started laughing again.