Getting older means getting wiser!

"Getting older means getting wiser".  I never gave that idea any thought until my 3rd cup of coffee this morning.  I don't think there was ever a truer statement.  For instance, the following tid bits of wisdom have come from getting older.
   
     *  I am now wise enough to make a list when I go to the store so I don't forget anything.  (I always
         manage to forget the list.)

     *  I am now wise enough to know that I cannot do some of the things I used to do.  (I now try things
         that normally cripple me for 3 days and then learn I can't do that shit either.)

     *  I now know that old injured body parts that used to ache either don't work or are completely numb.

     *  I now know that it is entirely possible to sit on your own nuts.

I look back and remember hearing my aunt say, "age gracefully".  It's kind of hard to be graceful when you stand up and your knee pops, your hip pops and scares the shit out of you (literally) and you have to go change your underwear.

"Age gracefully"?  Listen... I didn't have chest hair until after I got married.  In those following almost 22 years, I now grow hair on my back.  And its not even good hair.  Its like a patchy quit of extra wiry pubic hair that sprouts randomly from my butt crack to my shoulder blades, and only really on the left side of my back.  I now grow more hair out of my ears and nose than I ever thought was possible.  I stumble around the grocery store mumbling and cussing and often try to exit out the enter door consequently mashing my nose on the glass.  I either leave an oil smudge on the glass or walk away with a bloody nose.  Does any of that shit sound "graceful"?

On road trips, I've often bypassed one rest area thinking I can make it further down the road.  Almost immediately I realize that as a horrible idea and have to fly to the next area.  At this point, the situation is so dire that I have to shuffle with my butt cheeks clinched so tight that I need a pair of pliers to remove the auto upholstery and underwear from my butt in order to address the now emergency.  I haven't learned a thing there and I can guaran-god-damn-tee you that it isn't a graceful walk to the bathroom.

Have you ever sneezed and shit yourself?  Is that graceful?  Perhaps your exit from the party to the bathroom might come off as a bit graceful, as you do your best not to draw any more attention to yourself.  (To my credit, this has only happened once and I pulled it off.  No, not looking graceful.  I managed to get rid of my underwear, cleaned myself up and nobody even knew I was missing for about 10 minutes.  There is no way to look graceful when you sneeze and shit your pants!  Your eyes get as big as cake plates.  You chin drops leaving your mouth agape and both hands instinctively snap to your chin.)  It's the classic "holy hell, I just shit my britches" look, so as you age and go to more parties and get togethers, beware for your own sake and know the look so you can determine someone else "in crisis".  Perhaps you can offer a hand, or maybe you just laugh and point it out to everyone else.

"Age gracefully"?  What the hell does that even mean?  Have you ever gone to the store and forget where you parked?  Now your dumb ass is wandering the parking lot until you step on a rock, twist your ankle and throw your groceries all over the fucking parking lot?  Of course the necessary swearing begins (if you really know what you're doing) and none of that is even remotely graceful.

Have you ever seen someone slip on the ice and turn it into a graceful moment?  I pulled it off last year and it may have been the only graceful thing I've ever done.  I was walking to the bathroom at a normal clip (no emergency, thank God) and slipped on the ice in front of about 5 people.  As I hit the ground, my forward momentum put me into a semi controlled spin and I managed to stop in a break dancing resting position like I had just done a helicopter move on the dance floor.  Everyone present looked.  It's required I think... and one guy said, "that was bad ass!"  I "gracefully" stood up, my back and head were killing me, my hip popped (didn't shit my pants this time) picked up my hat and sunglasses and entered the bathroom.  As I looked into the mirror to do a self exam of the potential damage I noticed 2 things.  I had double vision and I was peeing in the sink.  The good news was, the concussion only left me with a turned in eye and a head ache for a week.

Years ago, I was leaving work at about 3:00 a.m.  It was a particularly busy night, and if I am not mistaken it was during the World Championship Snowmobile Hillclimb.  It was extremely icy and I was about the only soul moving.  As I approached my truck, I notice another vehicle down the road in the other direction, but facing me.  I didn't think a thing of it, so I used my remote to unlock the truck door, grabbed the door handle and went to throw my right leg into the vehicle.  I slipped and smashed my shin so hard on the bottom of the door that I was sure my leg had snapped off and slid under the truck.  As I lay there moaning and accepting the loss of a limb, this vehicle approaches.  It was a cop.  "Are you all right?" he asked.  "Oh yeah, just a little tired.  Thought I'd stop for a rest and a concussion" I said.  By now I had the balls to see if my leg was still attached, and fortunately enough it was.  As I start to get up, the cop asks... "do you need some help?''.  "Nope, not unless you can get the taste of blood or rusty pennies out of my mouth."

"Age gracefully"?