Whoopsie Daisy!

When is the last time you heard a story about someone sneezing and accidentally shitting their pants?  Well, do you have a minute?

Many years ago, a buddy of mine and I embarked on what would officially be considered as my first "road trip".  We had a 4 day weekend coming up and we thought we would head to the California coast.  We both had a pretty good chunk of change and nothing for a plan, so we just headed out and decided the road would take us where we needed to be.

When we got to where we "needed to be", we realized it probably wasn't the best neighborhood for a couple of dumb white boys, but we tried to rent a room at this roach motel about 3 blocks from some beach.  We had to knock on the office door (which was behind a real sturdy iron gate/bars which reinforced an already stout gate that was made out of iron and expanded metal) in order to rent the room.  We really should have known that this place sucked because when the guy answered the door, it smelled like he was cooking old gym shorts and feral cats.  "39 dollars" he said followed by "1 bed or 2?'' in a dialect that I was not completely familiar with.  I wrinkled up my face trying to figure out what the guy had said and then he yelled, "$39 dollars, you need 1 bed or 2?"  I shook my head and said "2" and handed him $40.  "1 dollar change" he said as he slammed the door and walked away.

My buddy started laughing and said, "what did we just get into?".  The door reopens and the guy hands me a key, a dollar and a receipt that stated 'NO REFUNDS". He pointed towards the end of the driveway and said, "Park there, room is on the right."  Now were both laughing because we just rented a room from this guy and he is yelling at us like we just stole something from him.  We park where instructed, grabbed our bags and walked to the room.

How refreshing it was to notice what appeared to be fresh cat shit on the carpet.  The beds were unmade, the room smelled of a recent homicide.... we were off on a hell of a trip.  "Hell no!" my friend said and walked towards the office after dropping his bag.  I threw both bags in the back of the truck and drove to the office.  This guy was yelling at the top of his lungs... "NO REFUND! NO MATTER! GO FUCK YOURSELF!" and then slammed the door.  We went next door to the convenience store where we were about as welcome as two turds in a punch bowl, and asked the fine establishments representative if he could call the cops for us.  We explained the nature of our situation and he told us to go stand next door.

About 10 minutes later a couple of nice officers showed up.  The female officer informed us that we were "probably in an area of town that we didn't need to be in", which by now was abundantly obvious.  We explained the situation, showed them the receipt, gave them the motel room key and the male cop began to investigate.  He came back and confirmed that it was indeed fresh cat shit on the carpet but made us feel slightly better by letting us know that there was not a recent homicide in that particular room.  He approached the gate and knocked.  He was greeted in same manner we were, with the same tone of voice and everything.  He tried to bargain for us, but to no avail.  What he did do in return was turn us on to a killer chain motel in a far better neighborhood, next to a far nicer beach!  His brother in law was the night manager and he gave us a hell of a deal... again, $40 bucks for the room but we had a balcony that over looked the freeway to the right and the beach 2 blocks to the west.

The room was a suite and we settled in quickly but realized we were short about a case of beer short for the start of the trip.  Couple of problems... first off, neither of us were 21.  Secondly, not a fake I.D between us, so we had to "go fishing" for beer.  So, we went to the front desk and asked our new friend "where can we find a case of beer?".  The guy directed us around the corner so I just walked in and acted like I knew what I was doing.  I plopped a suitcase of extra cheap ass beer on the counter and reached for my wallet.  I pulled my I.D. out like I was going to hand it to the guy and he just rang us up!  SCORE!!!!  We went back to the room, drank some beer and laughed about how the night had started.

We wake up the next morning and head to the beach.  Now, home was full of freaks and circus acts but this place had home beat!  We found a diner to get something to eat and then screwed around on the beach for hours until we were sunburned to a crisp.  We'd been drinking beer all day, so the plan was more beer and maybe trying to find something for dinner.

We make it to a Mexican cafe and the food was fantastic!  Better yet, there were a ton of people about our age partying it up and we just kind of blended in.  Next thing you know, we are invited to a party at a condo right on the beach, so naturally we showed up.  All kinds of debauchery was at our disposal.  In fact, this was the first party I had been to complete with half naked girls.  That made the party a winner in my book.  Actually, I believe we discussed never leaving.

As the night progressed we got more drunk by doing beer bongs with margarita shots in them.  It kept going and going until I needed a break.  I walk out onto the beach with a beer and am officially greeted by some of this particular municipalities finest.  Pretty causal for cops really, wearing shorts and all.  They asked me what I was up too, so I confessed my sins.  "I'm fucking drunk...."  I had the where with all to know that they knew I was not old enough to be drinking.  "Where are you staying?" was the next question I knew the answer for.  "Uhm, shit.... I forget..." and I start pulling things out of my pocket.  I find a motel room key and handed it to the cop.  He tells me to do my best and find my way back to the motel as fast and safely as possible, or I'd be crashing with them.

That wasn't an invitation I was interested in, so off I went.  I got halfway there and realized I was a guy short, so I went back towards the party... just in time for it to be getting busted up by none other than my new found friends.  The nice officer I spoke to earlier looked at me like I had brain damage and I remember him saying something like, "Didn't we just meet?".  I explained I was looking for my riding partner and couldn't leave him behind.  Next thing I knew, I was cuffed and sitting on the curb.  I sat there for what seemed like 2 hours, watching everyone leave but saw no sign of my buddy.  Eventually my cop buddies walked me to the motel, explained that I had used up my "get out of jail free card", and that they didn't want to see me until the next morning.

I wake up from a nice sleep, face down in the bath tub when my buddy walks in and pukes his guts up in the sink.  The sound, the smell and the violent retching of course made me puke, being the sympathetic puker I am.  After that episode, I headed to a bed for a proper hang over nap.  I woke up about 2 hours later and we decided to go find some hang over food.  We managed to find a greasy spoon and were doing our best to try to choke something down.  Both of us were experiencing the worst hangovers of our young lives and discussing the fact that we'd both sworn off drinking for the rest of our lives.

As the kind soul that we knew as our waitress dropped off the check, my friend sneezed and promptly shit his pants... it was obvious by the dumb yet terrified look on his face.  The odor added to his nightmare.   He looked at me and said, "Now what do I do?" to which I replied, "Well, unless you can un-shit your pants.....". 

Honestly, I felt bad for the kid but I kept laughing at the thought of him trying to un-shit his pants.  I think he tried it.  He stands up and starts to make his way to the bathroom.  I damn near fell out of the booth, laughing hysterically, because it looked like he sat in someones chili surprise omelet. And the way he shuffled... it was a cross between the "walk of shame" and the "squeeky cheek shuffle"  It was too much to handle! Then the irony of him not being able to control himself and the subsequent loss of my ability to not laugh at this poor bastard was just too much.  He was in the bathroom for 10 minutes, and I used every bit of that 10 minutes to quit laughing and to try to come up with an exit strategy that would allow my buddy the opportunity to get out of there with a shred of dignity. 

As I walked towards the bathroom, I had no idea that I was going to bear witness to some real ingenuity.  I walk in and see him facing one of the two toilets, bear ass naked, washing his shitty swimming trunks in said toilet.  I took a peak into the adjoining stall and it looked like an atomic shit bomb went off.  He wrung his swimming trunks out, took his shit off and soaked it in the sink and then put the whole ensemble back on.  Without saying a word he walked out of that bathroom, straight to our waitress and said, "You have a horrible plumbing problem, one that frankly made me sick...."  She apologized profusely and gave him our money back and he hit the door as proud as he could wearing shitty swimming trunks.

I'll never forget that trip, as long as I live.  I learned so much in just 2 days.  Cheap hotels are cheap for a reason.  Don't do beer bongs with margarita shots in them, and by all means, never sneeze with a hang over after drinking beer bongs with margarita shots in them....

To this day, we don't speak of the events that took place that weekend.  We found ourselves at home with a day and a half to spare.  We only took one more road trip together and it was fishing in Utah where we could find no beer and nobody to drink beer with.  That was probably for the best.