"Hello, my name is Stanley...."

Do you ever got those phone calls from a guy in India or Pakistan who tells you there is something wrong with your computer and he is the guy that can fix it?  We get them all of the time at our ranch and the wife and I have taken it upon ourselves to make these calls as entertaining as possible, at least for us.  It's like a competition and you only win if you can get the only guy in Pakistan  to tell you to "Go fuck yourself".  It's pretty rewarding.  You should give it a shot!

Yesterday afternoon, "Stanley" called me and told me that he was from Windows and they "detected a problem with my home computer's Window operating system."  I politely said, "Stanley, I don't have a home computer but I do have a small computer in my shoe.  Could it be that system?"  He confirms this possibility by saying, 'Yes, if it has Windows installed."  I thanked "Stanley" for calling and told him "This problem sounds urgent. Let me take my shoe off and we will get to the problem at once."

I pause for a second and tell him that I had my shoe off and the computer was in front of me.  He says, "I need your to turn your computer on...."  and I stop him in his tracks.  "I'll have to go get a pair of pliers, a wooden spoon and some talcum powder."  This throws him off track.  "No, no, no.  You don't need pliers.  What do you need pliers for?"  I said, "Didn't you ask me to wash my computer?" 

I thought I lost him at this point but he said, "Wash your computer?  No, no, no.  We are going to fix your computer."  I said, "Ah ha!  So when we fix my computer will my car's air conditioning work again?''  Silence....  I said, "Stanley?  Are you there?"  Still no answer but I could hear other jack asses in the background on the phone with other jack asses, so I held out hope.

Stanley comes back with, "Have you started your computer yet?"  I said, "It won't start up.  The air conditioning is broken in my car."  Silence again.  Then in a bit of a perturbed voice he said, "What does air conditioning have to do with your computer?"  Knowing that I was close to losing this guy I said, "Well, if I am going to fix this computer, I have to do it in an air conditioned phone booth while I am washing my cat.  Do you ever wash you're cat, Stanley?" 

He's livid.  "I need you to start you're computer, right now!"  I calmly said, "Stanley, all you had to do was ask.  There's no need to be angry.  I am still trying to figure out why you asked me to bake a plum pie?"  Consequently, Stanley loses his shit at this point.

"God damn it!  I am trying to fix your computer and you talk about spoons, washing a cat and baking a pie!  Do you want your god damned computer fixed or not?"  I apologize and say, "Yes Stanley, I want my computer fixed.  Do you know Soupy Sales, and what do I need to do first?"  Unfortunately, he didn't address the "Soupy Sales" question which I thought was hysterical.  In a slightly more calm voice he says, "Is your computer turned on" to which I replied "No, its not even plugged in."  Again, calmly he says, "Plug the computer in and press the power button.  It may take a minute for the computer to start."  I say, "Okay, it's plugged in and it appears to be starting.  The little thing is going in circles on the monitor." 

I can still hear the back ground noise and it sounds like he is talking to someone else with his hand over the mouth piece he was talking into.  "Ma'am" I say and start to laugh.  No answer.  "Excuse me ma'am.  I need your full attention at this time."  He comes back and asks if the computer was running.  I told him it was almost ready and said, "So your name is Stanley?"  Before he could answer I added, "My neighbor is named Stan.  I think he is from New Mexico or Texas or some shit.  That seems like a pretty normal name for a guy from Texas, but I've got the feeling that you are not from the U.S."  This guy loses his shit this time, for real!

"God damn you!  How fucking stupid are you?  I ask you to start your computer and you cannot do that.  You talk about everything but computer.  You think I have time for this bullshit?"  He's pissed and he's not done cussing me out yet but I get him to stop for a second by saying, "Stanley, Stanley, Stanley."  He screams, "What?"  I remain silent for about 10 seconds just to add a little more drama to the over heated situation.  "Stanley" I ask in a very calm voice.  "If you can help me with my computer problem, I would like to help you complete a do it yourself home improvement project or adopt a new pet."  All he said was, "God!  Fuck!" and hung up on me.

I can't wait for my next call.  I'll be interested in hearing how dear old Stanley is doing and perhaps make a new friend.

"Urgency"

If I can, I'd like to take a minute and talk about urgency.  Urgency is another one of those words that gets misused.  The meaning of the word is somewhat convoluted these days.  For instance, the other day my son texted me and said "Urgent, get back to me when you can."  As soon as I get the text I am thinking, "what in the hell went wrong now?".  The kid has been out of the house and in a college dorm across the state and has managed to break his glasses and his arm in the first 2 days, so his text did seem somewhat "urgent".

So I text him back right when I got the message.  "What's wrong now?"  Honestly, with this kid I don't know what to expect.  I think I know him pretty well, but he isn't off to an effortless start in Laramie.  He writes back, "Can I use the debit card to order food?"  That's urgent?  The kid has the school meal plan, his momma sent him to school with half a dozen gift cards and he wants to know if you can use the debit card for food and is calling that urgent?

I hope to high hell this college education thing works out and he at least learns the meaning of urgent.  It'll probably be a bit of a rip for the amount of money we are spending but he has to come away with at least that.

Anyhow, on to something that is a little "urgent".  I pull into my coffee stop to grab a cup of mud and realize that I have to make a pit stop.  I walk into the bathroom and step up to the urinal to take care of business and all of a sudden, the bathroom door nearly explodes behind me!

In shuffles this guy, half stooped over, holding his guts and he says, "God, please don't let me shit my pants now."  That's urgent!  Urgency made this guy pray out loud about not shitting his pants and he did that in the face of a complete stranger!  Well, me being me, I laughed my ass off.  However, the context of what he said got me thinking.  Perhaps over thinking....

"God" in the expression used means he was urgently requesting that the holiest of holy start paying attention right this second.  "....please don't let me shit my pants now" means he somehow determined that there is a better time to shit his pants!  (And a bit selfish if you ask me.)

I'm not so sure I understand that.  The urgency I understand, but the message could be a little confusing if God were working on something like world hunger.  Old Bob shitting his pants after a bad breakfast burrito is pretty inconsequential.

And really, if you just have to shit your pants, why not do it in a place where there is a modicum of anonymity, a place to clean up plus a handy receptacle for disposing of ones soiled knickers?

If you ask me, Old Bob got the whole thing wrong.  Everything sounded synched, linked and ready to stink.  Shit your britches, Bob.  maybe you find it a bit nostalgic.  Who knows, but you probably ought to leave God out of your shitty pants.