"Hello, my name is Stanley...."

Do you ever got those phone calls from a guy in India or Pakistan who tells you there is something wrong with your computer and he is the guy that can fix it?  We get them all of the time at our ranch and the wife and I have taken it upon ourselves to make these calls as entertaining as possible, at least for us.  It's like a competition and you only win if you can get the only guy in Pakistan  to tell you to "Go fuck yourself".  It's pretty rewarding.  You should give it a shot!

Yesterday afternoon, "Stanley" called me and told me that he was from Windows and they "detected a problem with my home computer's Window operating system."  I politely said, "Stanley, I don't have a home computer but I do have a small computer in my shoe.  Could it be that system?"  He confirms this possibility by saying, 'Yes, if it has Windows installed."  I thanked "Stanley" for calling and told him "This problem sounds urgent. Let me take my shoe off and we will get to the problem at once."

I pause for a second and tell him that I had my shoe off and the computer was in front of me.  He says, "I need your to turn your computer on...."  and I stop him in his tracks.  "I'll have to go get a pair of pliers, a wooden spoon and some talcum powder."  This throws him off track.  "No, no, no.  You don't need pliers.  What do you need pliers for?"  I said, "Didn't you ask me to wash my computer?" 

I thought I lost him at this point but he said, "Wash your computer?  No, no, no.  We are going to fix your computer."  I said, "Ah ha!  So when we fix my computer will my car's air conditioning work again?''  Silence....  I said, "Stanley?  Are you there?"  Still no answer but I could hear other jack asses in the background on the phone with other jack asses, so I held out hope.

Stanley comes back with, "Have you started your computer yet?"  I said, "It won't start up.  The air conditioning is broken in my car."  Silence again.  Then in a bit of a perturbed voice he said, "What does air conditioning have to do with your computer?"  Knowing that I was close to losing this guy I said, "Well, if I am going to fix this computer, I have to do it in an air conditioned phone booth while I am washing my cat.  Do you ever wash you're cat, Stanley?" 

He's livid.  "I need you to start you're computer, right now!"  I calmly said, "Stanley, all you had to do was ask.  There's no need to be angry.  I am still trying to figure out why you asked me to bake a plum pie?"  Consequently, Stanley loses his shit at this point.

"God damn it!  I am trying to fix your computer and you talk about spoons, washing a cat and baking a pie!  Do you want your god damned computer fixed or not?"  I apologize and say, "Yes Stanley, I want my computer fixed.  Do you know Soupy Sales, and what do I need to do first?"  Unfortunately, he didn't address the "Soupy Sales" question which I thought was hysterical.  In a slightly more calm voice he says, "Is your computer turned on" to which I replied "No, its not even plugged in."  Again, calmly he says, "Plug the computer in and press the power button.  It may take a minute for the computer to start."  I say, "Okay, it's plugged in and it appears to be starting.  The little thing is going in circles on the monitor." 

I can still hear the back ground noise and it sounds like he is talking to someone else with his hand over the mouth piece he was talking into.  "Ma'am" I say and start to laugh.  No answer.  "Excuse me ma'am.  I need your full attention at this time."  He comes back and asks if the computer was running.  I told him it was almost ready and said, "So your name is Stanley?"  Before he could answer I added, "My neighbor is named Stan.  I think he is from New Mexico or Texas or some shit.  That seems like a pretty normal name for a guy from Texas, but I've got the feeling that you are not from the U.S."  This guy loses his shit this time, for real!

"God damn you!  How fucking stupid are you?  I ask you to start your computer and you cannot do that.  You talk about everything but computer.  You think I have time for this bullshit?"  He's pissed and he's not done cussing me out yet but I get him to stop for a second by saying, "Stanley, Stanley, Stanley."  He screams, "What?"  I remain silent for about 10 seconds just to add a little more drama to the over heated situation.  "Stanley" I ask in a very calm voice.  "If you can help me with my computer problem, I would like to help you complete a do it yourself home improvement project or adopt a new pet."  All he said was, "God!  Fuck!" and hung up on me.

I can't wait for my next call.  I'll be interested in hearing how dear old Stanley is doing and perhaps make a new friend.