"Here's to your health...."

We're kind of a fickle lot when it comes to our health.  There are so many people who are doing so many things and each swears that what they are doing is the best.  The vitamin and supplement industry is a $37 billion dollar a year cash cow, and that heifer gets a little bigger every year.

 We seem to want that quick fix.  We want that magic pill or powder that is going to just melt the weight off of our carcasses.  No doubt that has a big something to do with the $37 billion dollar pig.  Everyone involved in this quagmire of "health" claims their product or program is the best.  Each outfit has testimonial after testimonial praising the product and the changes "it" made in their life.

What's funny to me is, these people who are representing a product or a specific program often forget to bring up the fact that they also made some pretty significant lifestyle changes.  These people also began to watch their diet and exercise.  Diet and exercise alone is the key to losing weight.  The more weight you lose, the better you feel.

Recently I bought into the old school method of "getting fit".  Actually, I am working out in order to get in shape to work out.  This might take a while, however.  About 9 years ago, I managed to lose 60 lbs. by going old school.  I hit the gym every day, lifted weights, did up to an hour or so on the bike or treadmill and ate rabbit food for about 5 months.  It sucked but it worked.

I've been doing a bunch of research on diets and what our diets should consist of.  More and more people are pushing more vegetables and less meat, so I gave that some thought.  I thought about starting a vegan diet.  No I fucking didn't... who am I fooling?  I've got teeth that are made to devour meat.  I was raised on meat and potatoes.  I'm not giving up meat.  Along with the vegan approach, I thought about the vegetarian approach.  With that, I couldn't bring myself to the reality that no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how many times I said it, I could not make bacon a vegetable.  I can't. I did mange to lose myself in thought for a minute when I thought of bacon flavored sunflower seeds. (If that shit ain't real, someone pick it up.  That is a winner all day and I only want in for 5%.)

I sat there and pondered.  "I've done Atkins and I quit losing weight.  I've done intermittent fasting and I quit losing weight.  I thought of vegan diets and vegetarian diets and laughed my ass silly."  What was I going to do?

Gluten Free, Bitches!!!

I started my gluten free diet 7.5 hours ago and can already feel the benefits!  I'm not shitting, either!  I got up this morning and had about 12 ounces of gluten free water.  After that, I made myself the obligatory cup of coffee but this time I used 'gluten free" water and "gluten free" coffee and it was delicious!  I kept thinking to myself, "this is a life changing event".  Who knows how much weight I will lose and how much better I will feel.  As it turns out, I would feel that good about things for about the duration of my commute.

I stopped into a place (which will remain nameless) for a quick breakfast.  I ordered the "gluten free" pancake breakfast and stepped away from the counter.  I watched the cook prepare this bit of wonderment that I was just dying to get into my gluten free mouth.  I was shaking with anticipation or my blood sugar dropped.  I'm not for sure which.

The girl behind the counter called the guys name standing next to me.  I watched him grab his gluten free breakfast and admired and appreciated the look on his face.  Like me, he was doing the right thing and he knew it.  Good on you, sir... whoever you were.

A couple more people were called to the counter before I was, each with that special look.  I'll call it a glow for this story.  These people walked by and had immediately transformed into little rays of sunshine and I couldn't wait for mine.

Finally, it happened.  My name was called.  The lady handed me a gluten free styro-foam container filled with gluten free goodness.  I walked to the Jeep and I realized just holding the box of "gluten free' sustenance made me feel better.  I sat down and unwrapped the gluten free plastic fork and then opened the gluten free styro-foam container.  This was excitement like I have never known!   My stomach growled in anticipation....

The first bite triggers my gag reflex and I subsequently puked all over the interior of the Jeep.  You see, "gluten free" pancakes is lettuce.  Fucking lettuce, and not even the good kind!  I walked back into the place for an explanation.  Apparently when something is certified organic and gluten free, you can't use chemical fertilizers, so you have to look around for manure.  And then, you have to find a cow that was on a gluten free diet or some shit... the girl began to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.  It's not what I was hearing.  It was how she was talking.  "Well, in order to waa waaaawa waa, waaaaa wawa wa wa waaawa wa."  She was probably anemic or let down because she had the shitty pancakes too.

I couldn't help but think about it all.  Turns out that I do live a pretty gluten free lifestyle.  I think my pants are gluten free.  I'm pretty sure my Jeep is gluten free.  The dogs are probably not gluten free and I don't give a shit about the cat.  Screw you, cat.  I know I have at least one gluten free shotgun, rifle and pistol that I love feeding gluten free ammo through.  I eat gluten free beef.  Breathe gluten free air.  I just now got a case of the gluten free hick-ups.  I used to play gluten free baseball.    I managed to marry a girl who was NOTgluten free, but she does eat low carb from time to time.  I'm keeping her.

When it comes right down to it, the only thing that sucks about being gluten free is... well.... being gluten free.

 

How I grew up.....

If you were raised the way I was, you were raised around guns.  Guns were part of our families history.  Family traditions like an annual deer hunt or opening day of dove season were something that we all looked forward to.  We often shared these experiences with other families who had the same interests.  Guns were part of who we are and what we do and I've always been proud of that.

My dad was a competitive shooter, recreational shooter, hunter, gun collector as well as a gun smith.  At any given time you walked into my dad's shop, there would be a shotgun or rifle in the vise being worked on.  You probably see 2 loading presses set up, bags of buck shot, wads and empty shells.  Even with this ever presence of guns, guns were no big deal to me.

Being raised around guns, you have a better understanding of what guns are, what they can do and how they operate.  You are taught gun handling skills from the very beginning.  You were drilled on gun handling rules.  You were drilled on your responsibilities and obligations when you had a gun in your hand.  Everything around guns was about safety first.  All of this was what you discussed every single time you were going to have a gun in your hand.  You had to know these rules and be able to exhibit safe gun handling skills.

Every one of my buddies that I have been hunting with received the same education.  They listened to the same speeches, went over the same drills, and had to exhibit the same safety standards.  There are no exemptions.  And if you ever found yourself in the presence of someone who wasn't being safe with a gun, you left the area immediately.  Following these rules are the reason we are all still here today!  It's not a mystery.  It isn't by chance.  It's safety, every single time you are around guns.

Between me and everyone I have ever hunted with or shot with, there would have to be tens of thousands of opportunities for the potential of something going wrong.  There were tens of thousands of times triggers were pulled, shots rang out and not 1 individual was hurt or killed.  There were tens of thousands of safe gun transports to and from the field or the shooting range.  There were thousands of times a buddy got a new gun and let you check it out and in the end, nobody ever got hurt.  This is a testament to safe gun handling being taught from generation to generation and it is the responsible thing to do.  This was how I was raised.

If you were raised the way I was, you were raised to be respectful of everyone and every thing.  You were taught to take responsibility for the things you did.  You were taught manners.  You were taught to brush your teeth.  You were taught to clean up after yourself.  You were taught to give a good handshake and look a person in the eye.  You were taught everything almost everyone else was ever taught plus you were taught to live around guns.  It's no big deal.  It's how we live.

Life is about having fun....

I've had this particular phone number for 5-6 years now.  Ever since getting this number, I've been getting calls for some dude named Jeremiah.  Sometimes it's a friend of his trying to get in contact and other times its regarding personal business.  Every time this happens, I politely tell them that this is my number and that they will no longer be able to contact Jeremiah using this number.  I got another call for Jeremiah today and I decided to handle it differently.


The phone rings and I answer it on the blue tooth:
(Me) Hello?
(caller) Jeremiah?
(Me) Yeah, who is this?
(caller)  This is Darrell Webster and I am an agent with ****** Collection Agency.  How are you today?
(Me)  I'm great Donald!  Thank you so much for calling.  I've been meaning to get in touch.
(caller)  It's Darrell, Jeremiah, and I would be glad to help you out clear up this debt.
(Me)  I really appreciate that, David.
(caller) It's Darrell....
(Me)  That's right. I'm sorry about that.  Talking about my debt makes me nervous.  Do things like that make you nervous, Dietrich?
(caller)  (Sigh.....) No they don't make me nervous.  I do all I can to stay current on my bills.  Anyways, you have an outstanding balance of $692.49 and I'd like to know how you would like to clear that up today?
(Me)  $692, eh?  That's not outstanding, it's horrible.  If you don't mind me asking, what do you find outstanding about that?
(caller)  What?
(Me)  You said I have an outstanding balance.  Outstanding means good and then you tell me it's $700 bucks or something.  That's a lot of cabbage.  I don't have $700 dollars.
(caller)  Outstanding... a debt... Forget it.... You apparently had some x-rays done in July of 2014 by a medical imaging company and you never paid the bill.  We re now trying to collect these funds.
(Me) Oh, Oh!  The other outstanding. I gotcha.  I kind of wish it was the 'outstanding' I thought it was.
(caller)  Right.  Well, any matter, you do have this debt and we need to discuss your options for paying this debt off .  This type of debt can and will affect your credit rating.  I'd like to help you get out from under this debt.. So, do you have a credit card we can put this on?
(Me)  Wait a second.  You told me you were going to help me get out from under debt and now you're asking me to accrue some debt by using my nearly maxed out credit card.  I think that is a horrible idea and frankly, I'm offended by that suggestion!  Completely irresponsible!
(caller)  What about your bank account, sir?  Do you have a debit card?  Do you want to set up a payment plan?  How much can you put down towards this debt and what can you afford to pay per month in order to get rid of the debt?
(Me)  Okay.  I understand, Dante.  Sorry.  I'm driving, drinking coffee and talking to you.  A lot on my plate this morning.  So, here is the problem.  I can't afford to put any money down, nor can I afford a monthly payment.  If I could, I would have paid the son-of-a-bitch off when I got the bill.  Doesn't that make sense to you?
(Caller)  (I can tell from the tone of his sigh that he has had about enough of me.)  Jeremiah!  You're running out of options real fast and you are wearing on my patience.
(Me) Wearing on your patience?  You called me and started begging for money... Sheesh!
(Caller)  Jeremiah!  Do you still work for the concrete company in Lincoln county?
(Me)  I'm not sure I can give you that information, and please don't ask for my social security number.  This phone call sounds like a crank call.
(Caller)  I've got your social number here.  It was gathered in the information you gave back in 2014 when you went and got those x-rays, remember?
(Me)  I didn't have any x-rays on 2014, Donny.
(caller) God damn it!  You did and you accounted for it earlier in our conversation!  You went to the hospital and needed x-rays.  You never payed that portion of the bill and I need you to pay up or I will garnish your wages.  Does this sound like a crank call now?
(Me) Lord no.  It sounds like you are getting upset with me and all I want to do is make this right.  Now, what did we discuss as options?
(caller)  At this point in time, we are going to be in contact with the Lincoln County Sheriff's Office and gather all of the information we need on you.  We are going to have your wages garnished and we are going to put a lien on your vehicles.  I tried to cooperate with you Mr. Allen, but you'd have nothing of it.
(Me)  Mr. Allen?  Whose that, your boss?
(caller) No, god damn it!  Its you!  You're Jeremiah Allen!
(Me)  No I'm not.
(caller) (This guy is livid!!!!)  You are Jeremiah god damned Allen and you owe Oasis Collection Agency $692.49 and we will just have to go about it the hard way!!!
(Me)  Drummond?  My name is Brice, man.  I have no idea why you are calling me Jeremiah and making these horrible accusations and threats, but I am sorry if I've offended you.
(caller)  Wait a minute.  You answered to the name Jeremiah  5 or 6 times during our conversation.  I called you Jeremiah Allen and you answered.
(Me) (I cut him off before he could speak.)  Well, yeah.  I called you Donny, Dante and some other shit and you answered to that.  I thought we were playing a joke on each other?
(Caller)  You mother fucker.... (click.  phone goes silent)

This whole thing only took a couple of minutes.  Man was I pleased with the way it all turned out.  I knew this would set the tone for the rest of the day.  It did, beautifully.