"Here's to your health...."

We're kind of a fickle lot when it comes to our health.  There are so many people who are doing so many things and each swears that what they are doing is the best.  The vitamin and supplement industry is a $37 billion dollar a year cash cow, and that heifer gets a little bigger every year.

 We seem to want that quick fix.  We want that magic pill or powder that is going to just melt the weight off of our carcasses.  No doubt that has a big something to do with the $37 billion dollar pig.  Everyone involved in this quagmire of "health" claims their product or program is the best.  Each outfit has testimonial after testimonial praising the product and the changes "it" made in their life.

What's funny to me is, these people who are representing a product or a specific program often forget to bring up the fact that they also made some pretty significant lifestyle changes.  These people also began to watch their diet and exercise.  Diet and exercise alone is the key to losing weight.  The more weight you lose, the better you feel.

Recently I bought into the old school method of "getting fit".  Actually, I am working out in order to get in shape to work out.  This might take a while, however.  About 9 years ago, I managed to lose 60 lbs. by going old school.  I hit the gym every day, lifted weights, did up to an hour or so on the bike or treadmill and ate rabbit food for about 5 months.  It sucked but it worked.

I've been doing a bunch of research on diets and what our diets should consist of.  More and more people are pushing more vegetables and less meat, so I gave that some thought.  I thought about starting a vegan diet.  No I fucking didn't... who am I fooling?  I've got teeth that are made to devour meat.  I was raised on meat and potatoes.  I'm not giving up meat.  Along with the vegan approach, I thought about the vegetarian approach.  With that, I couldn't bring myself to the reality that no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how many times I said it, I could not make bacon a vegetable.  I can't. I did mange to lose myself in thought for a minute when I thought of bacon flavored sunflower seeds. (If that shit ain't real, someone pick it up.  That is a winner all day and I only want in for 5%.)

I sat there and pondered.  "I've done Atkins and I quit losing weight.  I've done intermittent fasting and I quit losing weight.  I thought of vegan diets and vegetarian diets and laughed my ass silly."  What was I going to do?

Gluten Free, Bitches!!!

I started my gluten free diet 7.5 hours ago and can already feel the benefits!  I'm not shitting, either!  I got up this morning and had about 12 ounces of gluten free water.  After that, I made myself the obligatory cup of coffee but this time I used 'gluten free" water and "gluten free" coffee and it was delicious!  I kept thinking to myself, "this is a life changing event".  Who knows how much weight I will lose and how much better I will feel.  As it turns out, I would feel that good about things for about the duration of my commute.

I stopped into a place (which will remain nameless) for a quick breakfast.  I ordered the "gluten free" pancake breakfast and stepped away from the counter.  I watched the cook prepare this bit of wonderment that I was just dying to get into my gluten free mouth.  I was shaking with anticipation or my blood sugar dropped.  I'm not for sure which.

The girl behind the counter called the guys name standing next to me.  I watched him grab his gluten free breakfast and admired and appreciated the look on his face.  Like me, he was doing the right thing and he knew it.  Good on you, sir... whoever you were.

A couple more people were called to the counter before I was, each with that special look.  I'll call it a glow for this story.  These people walked by and had immediately transformed into little rays of sunshine and I couldn't wait for mine.

Finally, it happened.  My name was called.  The lady handed me a gluten free styro-foam container filled with gluten free goodness.  I walked to the Jeep and I realized just holding the box of "gluten free' sustenance made me feel better.  I sat down and unwrapped the gluten free plastic fork and then opened the gluten free styro-foam container.  This was excitement like I have never known!   My stomach growled in anticipation....

The first bite triggers my gag reflex and I subsequently puked all over the interior of the Jeep.  You see, "gluten free" pancakes is lettuce.  Fucking lettuce, and not even the good kind!  I walked back into the place for an explanation.  Apparently when something is certified organic and gluten free, you can't use chemical fertilizers, so you have to look around for manure.  And then, you have to find a cow that was on a gluten free diet or some shit... the girl began to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.  It's not what I was hearing.  It was how she was talking.  "Well, in order to waa waaaawa waa, waaaaa wawa wa wa waaawa wa."  She was probably anemic or let down because she had the shitty pancakes too.

I couldn't help but think about it all.  Turns out that I do live a pretty gluten free lifestyle.  I think my pants are gluten free.  I'm pretty sure my Jeep is gluten free.  The dogs are probably not gluten free and I don't give a shit about the cat.  Screw you, cat.  I know I have at least one gluten free shotgun, rifle and pistol that I love feeding gluten free ammo through.  I eat gluten free beef.  Breathe gluten free air.  I just now got a case of the gluten free hick-ups.  I used to play gluten free baseball.    I managed to marry a girl who was NOTgluten free, but she does eat low carb from time to time.  I'm keeping her.

When it comes right down to it, the only thing that sucks about being gluten free is... well.... being gluten free.