Life is about having fun....

I've had this particular phone number for 5-6 years now.  Ever since getting this number, I've been getting calls for some dude named Jeremiah.  Sometimes it's a friend of his trying to get in contact and other times its regarding personal business.  Every time this happens, I politely tell them that this is my number and that they will no longer be able to contact Jeremiah using this number.  I got another call for Jeremiah today and I decided to handle it differently.


The phone rings and I answer it on the blue tooth:
(Me) Hello?
(caller) Jeremiah?
(Me) Yeah, who is this?
(caller)  This is Darrell Webster and I am an agent with ****** Collection Agency.  How are you today?
(Me)  I'm great Donald!  Thank you so much for calling.  I've been meaning to get in touch.
(caller)  It's Darrell, Jeremiah, and I would be glad to help you out clear up this debt.
(Me)  I really appreciate that, David.
(caller) It's Darrell....
(Me)  That's right. I'm sorry about that.  Talking about my debt makes me nervous.  Do things like that make you nervous, Dietrich?
(caller)  (Sigh.....) No they don't make me nervous.  I do all I can to stay current on my bills.  Anyways, you have an outstanding balance of $692.49 and I'd like to know how you would like to clear that up today?
(Me)  $692, eh?  That's not outstanding, it's horrible.  If you don't mind me asking, what do you find outstanding about that?
(caller)  What?
(Me)  You said I have an outstanding balance.  Outstanding means good and then you tell me it's $700 bucks or something.  That's a lot of cabbage.  I don't have $700 dollars.
(caller)  Outstanding... a debt... Forget it.... You apparently had some x-rays done in July of 2014 by a medical imaging company and you never paid the bill.  We re now trying to collect these funds.
(Me) Oh, Oh!  The other outstanding. I gotcha.  I kind of wish it was the 'outstanding' I thought it was.
(caller)  Right.  Well, any matter, you do have this debt and we need to discuss your options for paying this debt off .  This type of debt can and will affect your credit rating.  I'd like to help you get out from under this debt.. So, do you have a credit card we can put this on?
(Me)  Wait a second.  You told me you were going to help me get out from under debt and now you're asking me to accrue some debt by using my nearly maxed out credit card.  I think that is a horrible idea and frankly, I'm offended by that suggestion!  Completely irresponsible!
(caller)  What about your bank account, sir?  Do you have a debit card?  Do you want to set up a payment plan?  How much can you put down towards this debt and what can you afford to pay per month in order to get rid of the debt?
(Me)  Okay.  I understand, Dante.  Sorry.  I'm driving, drinking coffee and talking to you.  A lot on my plate this morning.  So, here is the problem.  I can't afford to put any money down, nor can I afford a monthly payment.  If I could, I would have paid the son-of-a-bitch off when I got the bill.  Doesn't that make sense to you?
(Caller)  (I can tell from the tone of his sigh that he has had about enough of me.)  Jeremiah!  You're running out of options real fast and you are wearing on my patience.
(Me) Wearing on your patience?  You called me and started begging for money... Sheesh!
(Caller)  Jeremiah!  Do you still work for the concrete company in Lincoln county?
(Me)  I'm not sure I can give you that information, and please don't ask for my social security number.  This phone call sounds like a crank call.
(Caller)  I've got your social number here.  It was gathered in the information you gave back in 2014 when you went and got those x-rays, remember?
(Me)  I didn't have any x-rays on 2014, Donny.
(caller) God damn it!  You did and you accounted for it earlier in our conversation!  You went to the hospital and needed x-rays.  You never payed that portion of the bill and I need you to pay up or I will garnish your wages.  Does this sound like a crank call now?
(Me) Lord no.  It sounds like you are getting upset with me and all I want to do is make this right.  Now, what did we discuss as options?
(caller)  At this point in time, we are going to be in contact with the Lincoln County Sheriff's Office and gather all of the information we need on you.  We are going to have your wages garnished and we are going to put a lien on your vehicles.  I tried to cooperate with you Mr. Allen, but you'd have nothing of it.
(Me)  Mr. Allen?  Whose that, your boss?
(caller) No, god damn it!  Its you!  You're Jeremiah Allen!
(Me)  No I'm not.
(caller) (This guy is livid!!!!)  You are Jeremiah god damned Allen and you owe Oasis Collection Agency $692.49 and we will just have to go about it the hard way!!!
(Me)  Drummond?  My name is Brice, man.  I have no idea why you are calling me Jeremiah and making these horrible accusations and threats, but I am sorry if I've offended you.
(caller)  Wait a minute.  You answered to the name Jeremiah  5 or 6 times during our conversation.  I called you Jeremiah Allen and you answered.
(Me) (I cut him off before he could speak.)  Well, yeah.  I called you Donny, Dante and some other shit and you answered to that.  I thought we were playing a joke on each other?
(Caller)  You mother fucker.... (click.  phone goes silent)

This whole thing only took a couple of minutes.  Man was I pleased with the way it all turned out.  I knew this would set the tone for the rest of the day.  It did, beautifully.