"Gone Fishing"

Many years ago while I was still living at home, my mom bought me a "gone fishing" sign that I hung from my bedroom door.  At this point in my life, I was doing one of about 4 things.  I was either at work, hanging out with friends, hunting with friends or most likely I was out fishing with friends.  For a while, fishing was all I thought about and looking back, I have so many good memories that are wrapped around fishing trips.

Most of these fishing trips were impromptu events.  I'd either be at work or at home and the phone would ring.  It'd likely be my buddy Horton.  "Hey Prick, you want to go fishing?" he'd ask.  "Yeah, I'm off in an hour.  Let me gather my stuff and I'll be right over."  We'd go to pick up that Carter kid and head out to Vegas Wash or one of our other haunts and fish all of that afternoon and well into the night.  Sometimes we slayed them, other times we sat around and laughed our asses off.  Nothing too special, just a bunch of buds out screwing around.

All of this started for me when I was much younger.  My dad used to bring me to the lake, in the boat, in my bassinet.  He'd rig the bassinet up in a fashion where he could either rock me with his foot or bump me with his knee and keep casting plugs into the brush for bass.

Later, that evolved into me getting my first fishing rod.  It was a blue colored Abu-Garcia with a Mitchell open faced spinning reel, probably with about 6-8 lb. test line on it.  I started to learn how to tie knots, how to handle live bait, how to cast and since then, I don't think I turned down an opportunity to be on a boat with the old man.

Somewhere between the bassinet on the boat days and learning to do these things for myself, I got to spend some time with my grandpa and great grandpa fishing everywhere between Las Vegas to Idaho to Nebraska.

Right before my grandpa retired, he bought a motor home.  We all hopped in to go to Idaho for a week of visiting relatives and fishing.  All of the relatives were older folks and I can't even recall their names.  Family was and still is important, but I remember starting to ask, "Are we going fishing yet?' before we even got out of the driveway in Las Vegas.

We finally made it to Lewiston, Idaho.  Seemed like it took days.  We pulled up to this cabin in the woods that sat about 100 yards away from a small lake.  I looked at my grandpa and great grandpa and asked, "Now are we going fishing?"

We went over to greet these relatives and grandpa excused us so we could make a quick trip down to the lake.  In a matter of a couple of minutes, I caught my first trout.  Then another, then another.  It seemed like every cast I was reeling in something.  That night we ate some trout cooked over the camp fire and my great grandpa told me that he had a secret spot he was going to sneak me into at first light.

Most of my family was kind of full of shit.  Great grandpa wasn't, as best I could tell.  I woke up that next morning and had mom get me into my overalls and get my hat on my head.  I ran over to the cabin where great grandpa was and knocked on the door.  There he was, ready to fish and dressed for success!  He had this old hat with a dozen or so flies and lures stuck to it.  He had a look in his eye that to me said, "We're going to get 'em."  He looked down and said, "You ready boy?" and off we went.

I thought I was in for this big adventure.  Fact of the matter was, great grandpa didn't want to get too far from the motor home, just in case he had to turn me back over to mom for some reason.  But there we were.  Great grandpa turned over a couple of milk crates and told me to take a seat.  He sat next to me and started telling me some fishing stories of this very lake, many years earlier.  All I wanted to know is if they caught anything.

Great grandpa cast my rod into a good spot and told me to watch the bobber.  As soon as he got ready to cast his rod, I had a fish on.  He was coaching me on how to real the fish in.  It was a monster!  I started laughing, he started laughing and we thought we were going to wake everyone in camp up.  When I got the fish close to the bank grandpa said, "Back up and drag him through the weeds."  I start backing up and all of a sudden, there was Moby Dick flopping around.  I couldn't believe it.  I looked at grandpa and he said, "Let me get the hook out of his mouth, then you have to put him on the stringer."

Grandpa removes the hook and sets the fish back on the ground.  He whispers, "Well, get him."  I bend over and pick the fish up around the belly with my small hands and he squirts out the other side.  I do it again and again with the same result, each time making the old timer laugh harder and harder.  He leans forward and says, "Get him by the mouth."  I looked at him.  The information seemed legit so I reached forward, jammed my thumb into the trouts mouth and stood up.  When I stood up, the fish clamped down...  it didn't hurt but startled me, so I kind of jumped and dropped the fish.  Its so quiet out that great grandpa whispered, "What happened?"  I looked at him and said, "The son of a bitch bit me!"

Great grandpa fell off the milk crate laughing.  I thought I killed the poor old guy.  My grandpa came out of the motor home laughing his ass off.  My grandma came out with her hand over her mouth trying not to laugh and my mother came out with tears in her eyes from laughing.  Next thing I know, the cabin door opened.  A couple other old people came out laughing, so there I sit with a smile on my mug wondering what in the hell was so funny.  We laughed for at least a half an hour.

Mom gathered me up told me that I wasn't allowed to swear, probably especially around great grandpa.  I thought that was odd because he appeared to have the most fun with the whole experience.

I'll never forget that.  I heard the story probably at least 100 times from my grandpa and great grandpa and it got funnier every time trying to watch them get through the story and maintain their composure.  I bet I told the story at least another 100 times and hope I live long enough to tell it 100 more.  I've taken my kids fishing and hope to be able to take some grand kids fishing one day.

If you don't have a good time fishing, you're doing it wrong.  Whether it be with family, friends or by yourself, fishing is about having a good time.  I believe its what fishing was invented for.  Get out of town, get in the sticks, get on the water and relax.  Take it all in.  Bring a friend, bring your kid, bring the wife... just get out and go fishing!

"Lee" from Gold Card Services

So, I'm sitting at work the other day and the phone rings.  This brings me great excitement because I was sitting there watching this tiny spider walk across my desk, shivering from the cold, looking for a warm place to hide.  I was going to warm him up with a lighter and a half of a can of carb cleaner but I didn't want to have to explain to the bosses why the cub scouts were roasting marshmallows were the guard shack used to be.  All of the sudden, the phone rings.

Much to my delight, it turned out to be "Lee from Gold Card Services."  Before I could say anything Lee, in all of his benevolence, tells me that there was a flag on my Gold Card.  Now, I'm no rocket surgeon and my memory is not what it used to be so I asked Lee "Who are you looking for, Lee?"  Emphatically Lee said, "You sir" in an accent that I'd never, ever be able to replicate.  He added, "Your Gold Card has been compromised and fraudulent activity has been detected."



I asked, "Lee, if you're looking form me, you must know my name, right?"  Lee let go with a sigh and then there was an uncomfortable pause before he said, "I don't know your name but I know your credit card has been compromised.  Give me last 4 numbers and I can help you get this problem resolved."  Oddly, I was surprised by his mastery of the language.  Not sure what language it was but his confidence in the shit he was saying was just over the top!

"#1" I said.  Lee said, "What next?"  I said, "That's it.  I got the first credit card awarded by this particular institution so the number is one."  I could almost hear him shake his head.  Before he could say anything I asked, "Do you want to know a secret?"  Before he could answer I said, "My name is Lee too.  Some people have called me portly because I am kind of short and fat.  Some people have called me ugly and that's because they are stupid and they don't have feelings.  Others have called me
dick, but I don't understand that..."

The guy yells, "Enough!  Enough!  I don't need this information.  I need the last 4 digits of your card number."  I then apologize.  "Lee, I'm sorry.  It sounds like you are a very busy man.  I'll let you go for now.  Can you call me back later, because I know when I try to return this call, the number you called me on will not be available."  "What" he asks and then adds, "What are you talking about?  I'm trying to schedule a "reburchment"."

Now, up to this point, I thought I could keep Lee on the phone.  I felt as if I garnered some level of trust, but I ruined it completely when I said, "What in the fuck is a reburchment?  Are you going to plant some trees or shrubs?  Are you going to do a habitat rehabilitation program in my front yard?  That's awful nice, Lee, but its winter and its a bad time to do reburchments... I think."

That is when Lee lost his mind. "Mother Bitch!  What the fuck is this?  I don't know what you are saying.  I ask questions, you say things that don't make sense.  I don't have this time."  I then asked, "Is your whole name Angri-ly because you seem to have taken an unkind tone with me."  He said something in his native tongue, sighed and came back with, "Do you need my assistance" to which I replied, "Yes".  He said, "I need last 4 digits of your credit card number to reburch."

At this point, I wanted to try something else.  For years, and this started when my kids where little and were having some kind of non-crisis, I would say "pee pee-poo poo" and they would either laugh or spin out.  I introduced Lee to it.. I said, "Pee pee-poo poo".  He replied "three three, two two" and I started to laugh.  "Yes, Lee. Pee pee-poo poo  ca ca doo doo".  I really lost it when he said, "Too many numbers.  Try again."

By now, I am running out of potty humor and I figured he would have hung up by now.  I didn't know what to say so I just said, "What's your favorite color?"  He didn't say anything but I could hear him typing.  "Lee," I asked, "what is your favorite color?".  Nothing... "Lee, what is your favorite food?'  Still nothing, "Lee, if you could have one super power, what would it be?"  Still nothing so I throw one more at him.  "Lee" I said before being yelled at... "God bitch, mother damn it!  You no good.  I fuck this up and you fuck jokes at me."

I've heard and done a lot of things to people, but I not once "fucked jokes at someone".  I am just not that type of guy.  I'll help you carry in the groceries, maybe give you that pesky clue on the crossword, but I will never, ever fuck a joke at you.

Lee's done.  He yells some incoherent shit at me, throws down another lame attempt at cussing me out, but he is through.  For me, the best is still coming at me.  I sat here, in my mental mind, trying to figure out how to fuck a joke at someone.... begging for the phone to ring again.

"December Hate Its"

A while back, my wife spent a good deal of time putting "December Gratefuls" on her Facebook account.  Every day for the month of December, she would list one thing she was grateful about.  I on the other hand decided to counter that with "December Hatefuls".  As you probably figured out, I spent time once a day putting up things that I hated.  This Presidential Election cycle and with the holidays right in front of us, I realized that there are a ton of things that I truly hate.

With that said, here are some of the things I hate in no particular order:

#1.   When walking down the street this time of year, some people will say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays".  I typically replay with the same term.  If the term "Happy Holidays" offends you, please go fuck yourself.  Seriously, go into the darkest, loneliest room you can find and just fuck your miserable self into the soul sucking black hole you really are.  Christian or not, you are not the only person celebrating something this time of year and its about high time you got over yourself.  Christmas is but one day.  I know this from looking at a calendar, yet some of you jack offs want to hijack a whole month!  Maybe I would feel differently about this if you actually went to church or if you actually prayed at other times rather than not puking at the company Christmas party. Screw you and I hope you shit yourself in front of your in laws during Christmas dinner.

When someone says "Happy Holidays" to you, they are trying to be nice and NOT presumptuous.  You may or may not be Christian.  They don't know that.  Would you prefer they walk up and hit you across the teeth with an ax handle?  Shut your over commercialized holiday, candy cane sucking hole, and try to remember what this time of year is supposed to be about.  Try being nice in return, or like I mentioned, go fuck yourself.

#2.   Drama.  Jesus Christ...  Have you ever noticed how many people claim to hate drama but yet do everything they can to fill their life with drama at every turn?  I hate that shit.  I can't stand it.  And when you point out the fact that "their" drama comes from a bunch of shitty decisions they made, they make YOU out to be the asshole in the equation.  If there is a God, why can't he just smite these jerk offs?  All we need is one big ass lightning bolt and a loud BANG! Nothing left but a black mark on the sidewalk and a smoking rib cage...  That would stop a lot of the drama, quick!

#3.   I've run into a few women recently that take pride in the fact that they are a bitch.  No matter what they do or what they say, they come off like a bitch and are proud of it.  What they can't wrap their tiny, little, shit filled heads around is, when they act shitty towards people, people act shitty back and they just can't figure it out.

If you pride yourself on "being a bitch", can you do me a favor?  Please take a moment and step out in front of a speeding dump truck.  Now, try and pick yourself up after being run over by said dump truck.  That, my ignorant friend, is a bitch.  You are an asshole and you shouldn't confuse the two.  Grow up, be decent or try to suck start the bumper of the next dump truck doing 80 mph, okay?

#4.  Shitty drivers in winter...  This may take me a while to get through because I have a step by step plan for this special group of shit wits.  There is a thing called physics and by the looks of some of you sons a bitches, I can tell that you haven't heard of them.  I'll give you a cliff notes version.  4 wheel drive does not mean 4 wheel stop.  The white shit you are driving on is ice and snow and its kind of slippery.  When you are going 80 miles an hour on snow and ice and have to slam on the brakes in an attempt to get out of on coming traffic, because you decided that a blind corner was a great place to try to pass someone with a knowledge of physics, you're going to slip and slide, be out of control and probably injure or kill yourself and others.

Suicide is no joke, but if you want to kill yourself, do it in a no fail manner.  Find a loaded sawed off shotgun, 7 sticks of dynamite, duct tape and a lighter.  Go 30 miles into the desert where nobody will find you and you won't blow up anyone elses shit.  Take the dynamite and twist all of the fuses together and duct tape them to your chest.  Take the lighter, light the fuse, place the shotgun in your mouth, pull the trigger and then the dynamite will blow the rest of remains to rodent feeding sized pieces and there will be no clean up... considerate, right?

On the other hand, there is this.  This plan is more of a dream than a real plan, but it works out in my head and I manage to stay out of prison this way... in my head.  If I see you driving like shit and I watch you get in a wreck, I am going to help you out.  I am CPR/First Aide certified, but that is of no consequence here.  I am going to run and and check to see if your alright.  If your unconscious, I will move on with the plan.  If you are conscious, I am going to jerk you out of the car and flog your sorry ass like a spoiled American kid who keyed cuss words into a North Korean Generals brand new Hyundai.  Then I am going to beat your kids, kick your dog and choke your wife.  Then I will administer proper first aide to them, hire a Voo Doo High Priestess to come slap a life long curse on you, stuff you back in the car, light that shit on fire, steal all of your shit and then hide your cell phone or change your password, just in case you survive.

Act right, assholes.  I am one bad day from making this a reality!

#5.   I had a cop friend of mine tell me, in a social setting, "It's against the law to talk on your cell phone while operating a motor vehicle."  I had no idea what he was talking about.  He was doing all he could to make me feel uncomfortable, but because I didn't know what he was talking about, he got mad.  I hate that shit.  I hate everything about that.  I asked him, "What are you talking about?".  He informed me that he saw me at a stop light on my phone.

At that moment, I understood what he was talking about.  In reality, I wasn't talking on the phone and that shit would have stood up in a court of law.  I was switching songs... probably still no bueno but I was not talking on the phone.  And, for the record, I was not operating a motor vehicle.  I was at a complete stand still at a stop light.

Some time later, I catch this guy riding along side me, having a casual conversation on his cell phone.  I decide to bring this up.  I honked and waved. He holds his phone out and nodded, like saying, "I see you, but I am on the phone."  I honk again, point at his phone and shook my head.  He hung up the phone, rolled the window down and said, "What?".  I reminded him of our conversation a while back where he told me how ILLEGAL it was to talk on the phone while operating a motor vehicle.
He played stupid but informed me that he was "discussing business" on the phone and that the whole thing was "no concern to me".

Now, people who know me know that I will argue with an ice cube if I think it isn't cold enough.  This discussion was beginning to wear on me.  By this time, we had pulled over and I had my elbows on his passenger door jam, speaking through the passenger window.  I pointed to his radio.  I asked, "what's that' to which he replied, "Its a radio" and added, "you know that".  So, me being me, I had to say, "If you were conducting official business when I saw you talking on your phone, why were you not using the radio and why were you breaking the law?"  He went on to tell me basically that he is a cop and can do whatever he wants.  I told him he was a dick.  He got mad.  He got more mad when I told him that I probably had a better driving record than he did and offered to place a bet on it.

So, all of that made me mad but you know what pissed me off the most?  He wouldn't take the bet.  Johnny Law in all of his benevolence and pride didn't have enough faith in his driving record to place a bet on it.  He got mad when I said, "Your wife reminding you to get paper towels, a copy of Nat King Cole's rendition of "Blue Moon" and a pint of ass lube doesn't equal "official business.""

I don't think were friends any more.  I don't think I hate that.



#6.    Cheap toilet paper.  My hate for this vile torture device runs deep. (Maybe not so deep if I weren't so heavy handed.)  When you provide cheap toilet paper, you are telling your guests, "I don't care about you, your ass, your health or well being.  I hope this shit trashes your rectum like you wiped with a belt sander coated in crushed glass, and I hope you go crazy trying to explain this mess in the emergency room."  This is the most indirect "fuck you" on the planet and you just know that somewhere in the house, they have a stash of disposable Kashmir ass wiping cloths.

#7.   Deodorant and lotion.  Kind of dumb to spend time hating things that make you not stick and your skin to look healthy.  Its not that.  It's that my nose doesn't always work right and I can't tell what things smell like before I put them on.  What I wish was, they could all have a universal smell, like cedar or new car smell.

Anyhow, on a recent trip to Las Vegas, I realized that I forgot to bring my deodorant and lotion.  We were getting ready to go out, so I mashed a bunch of my wife's Secret (strong enough for a man but made for a woman) and some extra girly smelling lotion that made my skin all shiny.

I can't tell anything is up, but my wife is grinning at me from ear to ear.  I'd look at her and she'd smile.  I asked, "What's up with all of the grinning?"  She said, "Can't I just be happy?"  Of course she could, but after being married for nearly 25 years, I know she isn't that happy... I mean, she's happy but not happy enough to just break out in a random grin.  And, she's married to me so she isn't above letting something like her big dumb ass red neck husband go walking around in public smelling like a pretty princess.

We make it to our destination and walk in.  Friend walks up, gives us a hug and invites us in.  As he's walking in front of us, he turns around with this look on his face and says, "right this way, ladies."

So there we are, all gussied up, walking around and associating with everyone.  Some of these people I haven't seen in years so it was really a nice gathering.  Every once in a while, I get a real good whiff of some alluring aroma and I can't help but wonder which woman smells so good.

Just about the time I start to forget about this wonderful aroma, I go up to shake a guys hand.  This is a guy I haven't seen in 25 years.  He's a big old boy like me with a hell of a handshake.  I remember this and the key to shaking hands with this guy is to get the jump on the squeeze part of the handshake.  We see each other, grin and extend our hands.  I put the clamp down on him and my shiny, pretty princess hand shoots out of his hand like shit out of a gooses ass.  We laugh about it briefly, but not I am starting to put things together.

After we broke towards the bar for a beer, this guy smells his hand, looks at me and kind of shrugs his shoulders like "whatever".

I ask where the restroom is and make my way for it.  Once inside, it becomes abundantly clear that I am the woman with the "alluring aroma".  I freak out.  I look at my hands and they are still all shiny and shit, so I scramble underneath the sink and find my savior... Ajax and some other clean but not pretty smelling shit.  I wash my hands with the Ajax and that immediately takes the scent and the sheen off my paws.  I splash on some hydrogen peroxide and some mint mouth wash on my shirt and spray on some bug spray, just to help.

By the time I get back outdoors, I realize that I have concocted something that smells a little like mustard gas.  As I walk around and meet and greet more people, I am making their eyes water and their noses run.  That is more my speed.  Now if I could only get rid of the chemical burns....

News that really doesn't matter!

"Welcome to the 307 Live at 5 News.  News that doesn't matter from across the Cowboy State.  I'm Walter Scott.  In tonight's edition, we have breaking news from Yellowstone National Park.  We'll talk with Ned Jasperson, our reporter in the park about this developing story.  As well, meteorologist Stewart Giles will be here with the weather, Coach Allen will be here with sports that aren't really sports and I'll be reporting everything else that just doesn't matter."

"Now, for this breaking story in Yellowstone, we reach out to Ned Jasperson.  Ned, what do you have?"

(Ned speaks)

"Thanks Walter....  From where we're located, some 108 cars back from the incident, there appears to be a tour bus of Chinese tourists taking photos of a chipmunk or something else of lesser importance.  With me I have tourist Oliver Sprite from Canton, Ohio.  Oliver, is this your first trip to Yellowstone?"

"Ned, this is our first trip anywhere.  I don't know what in the hell is going on."

"There you have it, Walter.  Another tourist without a clue as to what is going on.  Back to you!"

(Walter's back)

"Thanks for the provocative story, Ned.  Next we are out to Opal, Wyoming where the Union Pacific Railroad appears to be doing some track repairs.  When asked if that was indeed what they were up to, Union Pacific Railroad representative on the scene, a gentleman only known as Jones said, "Yup."

"Next, we'll be on our way to Laramie but first a word from our sponsors."

(Commercial break)

"Hi folks.  I'm Chuck from Chucks Used Wash Cloths in Rock Springs, Wyoming.  Have you ever been traveling across the interstate and realized you were experiencing a "not so fresh feeling"?  No?  We'll why not?  There's no excuse for that.  Stop in at Chucks Used Wash Cloths.  We have used, dirty ass wash cloths fresh from a tuberculosis ward in the med west that were sued to swab dying patients mouths.  Wash your face with these and you're sure to be ill within 2-3 weeks.  We're letting those babies go for $1.00 a piece of 5 for $5 dollars.  We have a brand new shipment of used wash cloths that the haz-mat teams use to clean themselves off after cleaning up meth labs.  Who knows what kind of shit you'll catch when using these!  They come in various colors as well as various contaminates and we're letting them go in a block buster deal!  $2.00 dollars for a used lunch sack full of these gems.  Impress your friends.  These make great birthday or anniversary gifts!  That is $2.00 for a used lunch sack full of contaminated haz-mat rags.  Not exactly what you are looking for?  By special demand!  We have a brand new shipment of mixed wash cloths and hand towels that are saturated with miscellaneous body fluids from HIV patients and the inmates from the penal institution in Rawlins.  No telling what those guys have, and I repeat... these items are SATURATED in various body fluids!  This is a limited time special because of the high demand.  This is your opportunity to own one of these gems, but I'm not done yet.  We are offering these at a buy 1 get 1 free opportunity!  You heard me right!  Buy 1 get one free!  Impress your friends, and remember, with each purchase by pregnant women, we are throwing in a handful of nasty paper towels infected with the Zika virus!  So, come find us in the non-descript white creeper van with California license plates parked somewhere near the Satellite Lounge!  Chucks Used Wash Cloths, we'll get your ass sick!"

"Hi.  Everyone calls me Dale.  I don't know why, because my name is Trent.  Anyways, have you ever been traveling in the car, complaining about hunger but the old man keeps driving because he wants to get where you're going at any cost?  Everyone is grumpy.  Everyone is complaining at right near the point of a collective nervous break down, the old man pulls into a fast food joint so everyone can have a burger, fries, a Coke and a smile and get off his fucking case!  You walk in, place your order, have a seat and take your first bite... then it happens.  1 baby and a couple of 3 year olds start having a break down of their own, setting your family back near the brink of a stage 1 meltdown?  Have you?  Who hasn't?  I'll walk up and punch the shit out of those babies!  Everyone has thought about it but are afraid to do it.  Not me!  I've been to jail about 93 times for punching random infants and I ain't afraid to go back.  Who needs to be jacked with when you're hungry, tired, tired of being in the car and listening to your dad or husband keep talking shit about not stopping and getting where you're going?  NOBODY!  That's who, and you don't need a crying ass kid to screw things up more.  I'll punch that crying baby, no problem.  Contact me, Trent... I mean Dale.  I may or may not be where you're located.  Just look for the homeless looking guy wearing overalls with his underwear on the outside.  Remember, this is a free service.  I'm hoping to get arrested so I can get 3 hots and a cot."

(Walter's back)

"Okay, welcome back.  I'd like to thank our sponsors for their time and dedication to their craft.  Truly services that are much needed and appreciated.  Now, out to Laramie for a special report from our residential "foodie" Ted.  Ted has been hanging around waiting for the fall semester to begin at the University in an attempt to find drunk students to take him to a shitty late night breakfast.  Ted didn't find that but he did find something interesting.  Ted, what did you find."

(Foodie Ted speaks)

"Walt, you'll have to excuse me.  I have a volatile case of food poisoning that I contracted after eating a 3 week old seafood burrito that some frat kid bought from a food truck in Cheyenne.  Seriously, Walt.  If I sneeze, I am going to prolapse.  I've been doubled up with cramps for the last several hours and I can't even keep down a sip of water.  No shit, dude.  This is serious!  I have all of the traditional signs of salmonella plus I am losing hair and have a nose bleed.  The doctors told me that if I survive, I will not be able to eat solid food for 3 more weeks, if I don't puke my brains out. Back to you!"

(Walter's back)

Ted, you're an idiot.  I hope "Dale the baby punching idiot" finds you naked and convulsing on the floor of a closed rest area bathroom and cleans you off with a Hanta virus wash cloth from that other asshole, Chuck.

Now, this just in out of Guernsey.  Nothing...  Nothing's happening in Guernsey right now but there was a Jack-a-lope sighting just north of town.  As a reminder, due to low numbers, Jack-a-lope hunting in the Guernsey area is closed but tags are available in Smoot, Granger, Dubois, Riverton and Greybull.  Successful hunters in those areas are urged to check in with local game and fish representatives and have their kills measured by the Boone and Crockett "professionals" who are not really professionals... just drunks at a bar who think they know everything.

Dr. Jim Bowles, a one time dentist in Jackson sends this out as a public service announcement.  "Don't get punched in the mouth.  It's not good."

Now, lets swing out to Elk Mountain where our meteorologist Stewart Giles is posted up just off the interstate.  Stewart, what can we expect with the forecast?

(Stewart speaks)
Well Walter, if you're going to be in or around the Hannah/Elk Mountain area you're going to be in the wind... still... just like for that last 6000 years.  I've got a little known fact about the area that some may find interesting.  The name Hannah is a Native American term that means, "the fucking wind ain't never going to quit blowing in this son-of-a-bitch, is it?"  As usual regarding the weather, they are right!  Elsewhere in the state were going to see some wind, some sun, with temperatures ranging from -50 to 80 degrees.  Snow is possible, so is rain.  If you don't like the weather, hang around for about 20 minutes and its liable to change.

Walter, we within the weather department would like to remind everyone that September is "Bad Weather Awareness Month".  With that we would like to remind dumb asses to report any bad weather conditions and if you see a tornado, drive straight into it!  Who gives a shit!  Drive straight into it and just get it over with.  End it all.  We're tired of listening to you describe what the tornado sounded like.  And while you're at it, if there is no inclement or otherwise threatening weather but you do see an electric fence, please pee on it.  If you do pee on it, it won't make you any smarter but with any luck it may remove you from the gene pool.  Back to you, Walter.

(Walter speaks)
Thank you, Stewart.  Great information.  Hope some half wits take you up on it.  Moving on, in a survey conducted on Highway 89 in the vicinity of Etna, people were asked "What would Jesus do?" 83% of those polled said, 'Carne Asada.  He's the guy with the good Carne Asada recipe."  12% said, 'Huh?' and 5% told us to fuck off.  We would like to remind everyone that this was not a scientific survey and our traditional 2% margin for error has been thrown out the window like an empty beer can on Pioneer Day Weekend.

In other news, the Jackson town council met in a closed door session with County and State officials in an attempt to address the ever present problem of affordable housing.  They laughed and laughed and laughed.  A confidential source tells us that one councilor nearly drowned when he began to laugh while taking a drink of water. The choking incident lasted nearly 5 minutes.  The source also told us that when the councilor regained his composure and wiped the snot water from his mustache, he pointed across the table towards the mayor and said, "She's funny!"  The laughing continued and the meeting was adjourned a moment later.

A concerned resident of the town of Worland complained to city officials about the smell of the area.  John Johnson has been at every town council meeting in Worland for the last 30 years complaining about the smell of the town.  A member of the council took Mr. Johnson to the barber shop and had his mustache removed.  Mysteriously, the odor and complaints quickly vanished.

In a related story, Mrs. Erma Burns who was visiting from Belle Fourche, South Dakota complained to the town council of being constipated.  The mayor told her that she was 'full of shit' and promptly sent her packing.  Upon her departure, Mrs. Burns eventually found relief in the town of Gillette and consequently, the Walmart Super Center had to be evacuated.  A source close to this situation could only gag.

With that, let's hand it over to Coach Allen for Sports.  Coach?  Are you there?  Coach?  It appears as if Coach Allen drank a bottle of aftershave after his teams big loss in Lander and he cannot be reached for comment.  Not to worry.  Its rumored that he was going to report on something called a "fart yodeling contest".

In closing, we bring you this heart warming story out of Teton County Wyoming.  With the recent spate of gluten intolerance claims in Teton County, a group of mothers involved with the local PTA have formed a gluten free awareness group called W.J.C.W.H.N.E.T.D which stands for, "Well Jesus Christ.  We have nothing else to do.".

A spokeswoman for the group says, "You know, gluten intolerance is a really big thing.  Our organization hired a doctor or some other guy who lives in a yurt in Wilson and he informed us of all of the early warning signs.  The early warning signs include whining, having a big head, having two distinguishable eye brows, being left handed, having an insatiable appetite for American cheese, having an affinity to the capital letter K, struggles with the concept of silence, has complained about another fictional affliction called "ass-mites" or thinks the color blue tastes like snow are all signs of onset juvenile gluten intolerance."

We reached out to the guy in the yurt for comment. His name is Mitch and we found him higher than a last minute plane ticket, eating something he deemed "Gluten Free Gluten' which appeared to be ground up Fruit Loops, Raisin Bran and Pepperoni Pizza.  He said, "Dude, that's the thing.  If you are eating things like Pizza or Raisin Bran and shit, you have to cook it in gluten free water taken from the Gros Ventre river and you have to cook that shit in a gluten free wok.  If you use a temperature on the Fahrenheit scale, it doesn't get rid of the gluten.  You've got to use Celsius scale because its lower numbers and somehow the shit is hotter, right?"

We immediately felt ourselves becoming dumber and then Mitch added this.  "Dude.  I get all of my gluten free cooking utensils from the Dollar Tree.  They have to be new.  You can't risk them being used to stir gluten so second hand things like a used spatula or a broken plastic spaghetti thing are just out of the question.  And by the way, all of the used plastic utensils you buy have to be black.  The white ones have gluten.  In order to get the gluten out of the white ones, you need to throw them all in a casserole dish and put them in the broiler for about 2 hours.  It causes a lot of smoke and it turns them black or at least brown.  When you see that, you can then remold the molten plastic into any shape you want and then cook with it.  Gluten free, bro... Gluten free."

As we were leaving with a mild contact high and completely full of Mitch's bullshit, we heard a car door slam outside of the yurt.  Mitch pulled back the curtain and said, "Whoa... Its Kirsten, dude.  She's one of my biggest clients and is the Vice President of WJCWHNETD.  She's here to pick up some gluten free moving boxes."

Our audio engineer started to leave but we reeled him back in and made him bear witness to what was about to happen.  Kirsten, no where near as aloof or high came in and introduced herself.  She said with a smile, "You guys must be the news guys.''  We all nodded.  She then exclaimed, "If it weren't for Mitch, all of the kids on Fall Creek Road would be dead from gluten intolerance.  He's saved like, millions of peoples lives."

Mitch quickly left the room and returned with a stack of what appeared to be card board boxes that had been saturated and then dried.  He handed them to Kirsten as a tear rolled down her cheek.  "He's doing this for the kids.  Don't you see?  He's doing it for the kids."  Mitch's hands met and he bowed to Kirsten like a monk might have done.  He walked her to her suburban assault vehicle and had to give her 20 minutes worth of instructions on how to back out of his driveway.

As he returned, you could see that he felt as if he accomplished something.  He said, "Before you leave, I want to let you know that I have a whole line of gluten free janitorial supplies and hair care products.  I also have a line of gluten free sex toys coming out in November, just in time for the holiday season."  He then winked at me and handed me a paper clip and I'm not sure why but I rest assured tonight knowing that this idiot has people fooled who are all too eager to buy into his bullshit.

Political free agent.... kind of.

I read a blog the other day that said, "The shit is about to get real" in reference to politics.  Isn't that refreshing?  After 240 years or so, the shit is going to get real, now!  That's quite possibly the dumbest God damned thing I've ever heard and I'll tell you why.

I didn't really start paying attention to politics until 2008.  It was a pivotal time in our country as we elected the first African American to be the President of this great land.  As with every President who took office before him, the President made all kinds of promises that were nothing short of utter bullshit. The bullshit comes with a side order of irrepressible ass kissing pageantry, the likes we get to endure every 4 years whether we like it or not.  It allows us the opportunity to witness idiots with over inflated egos claim that they and only they possess the skills necessary in order to turn the ship around.  They (and we, for that matter) fail to understand that the ship wouldn't need to be righted if they had a clue as to what they were doing.  Instead of being the steadfast, honorable humans they claim to be, they always prove that they are in over their heads and are bought and sold as freely as penny stocks.  The sad news is, we appear to be okay with it. I only say that because we allow it to happen time and time again,  If these people where honorable, instead of kissing babies and shaking hands, they'd cut to the chase and shake the babies and kiss more ass and just let us know that they've sold out to special interest groups.

So for this other blogger to say something as ridiculous as "the shit is about to get real", there would have to be some changes.  We've been doing this for 44 Presidential elections and are on the way towards electing the 45th President of the United States.  The only change we've seen is that the candidates seem to get more ridiculous and by most rights don't appear to be electable.  We are more than willing to elect someone with no honor, no integrity.  Recently I've heard people say that they are going to vote for someone they know is a turd, just so the other turd doesn't get that vote....  Seems reasonable...  And you wonder how the nation got in the situation its in?

If "the shit were about to get real", we'd start doing something different.  We're not doing that.  In fact, we are doing more of the same old song and dance and we sit there with our hands in the air and wonder what in the hell is going on.  The factis, nobody is paying attention to what is really going on.  The nation is too busy being locked up in an us v.s. them battle, and its exactly what the system wants.  When we are too concerned with what the other guy is doing, we allow the system to prop up politicians who've been senators and congressmen who miss 40%, 50%, 60% or more of their votes. This is supposed to be our voices being heard.  How is that representation?  Rubio, right now has missed in the neighborhood of 40% of the votes he is supposed to be there voting on.  Obama missed 64% of the votes in 2008.  John Kerry missed 89% of the votes in 2004.  John McCain missed over 80% of the votes in 2008 and he doesn't even know how many houses he has!  Am I the only person bothered by this shit? We're apparently okay with trying to elect people who can't count. If any one of us were to miss 40-80% of our work days, we'd be unemployed quick, fast and in a hurry.  Not these jack asses... Nope, they put themselves in for a raise.

Yeah, the shit is about to get real, all right.  Real dumb, and at a time where we don't need another dose of stupid.  The good news is, we apparently don't give a shit.  Americans are going to rush to the polls and vote for someone to fill most powerful position in the free world and we wouldn't trust that person to run a bake sale at a local elementary school.  Fucking brilliant....  At this point, it would be just as smart to elect a bunch of hookers and crack heads.  It's totally plausible that there are hookers and crack heads with better reputations and more dignity than today's politicians.  At the very least we'd know that we voted for and elected crack heads and prostitutes.

That brings me to this.  The Democrat Party seems to be split between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton.  Some of the crazy shit Bernie Sanders says almost seems reasonable at this point.  The shit is so crazy, so far out of line that it almost seems like the right thing to believe at least on the basis that even he believes it.  Then there's Hillary...  With her track record, how can anyone believe that she is worthy of anything more than being a writer for the National Enquirer?  Hillary, someone so far removed from the middle class has half of her party buying into the notion that she knows what you are going through.  At the same time, she is too good to poop in the same bathrooms as you and I.

On the Republican side you have Dr. Ben Carson whom I thought was the most authentic, most smart individual in the race.  What does he go an do?  He says you catch homosexuality in prison.... a God damned brain surgeon who has no clue as to how the brain works.  I'm thankful he is slipping in the polls but he still seems to be a reasonable candidate when you compare him to Cruz.  Cruz is the "true conservative".  He believes in small government, freedom and liberty for all people, unless of course you are a democrat, or gay, or female.  In that case he calls for more government to restrict liberty and freedom to anyone who doesn't feel the same way he does.  By the way, he already doesn't show up for votes about 30% or more of the time.  It just seems logical that we'd like to employ a guy who misses work 10 days out of a 30 day month.  And let us not forget the ever popular Donald Trump.  "He says whatever he wants."  "He's not establishment."  Yeah, he says whatever he wants.  Completely baseless shit like, "The President has made all of the wrong calls.  I'll make the right ones.  It's gonna be great.  Trust me.  It's gonna be great."  Republicans?  This guy is a Democrat!  He was a giant supporter of the Clinton's.  Republicans hate Democrats and hate the Clinton's more but have no problem supporting this guy?

I really don't want to bring this up because it is a more sensitive issue than politics, but I have to question everyone on the Republican side who is touting religion as their strong point.  Hell, Donald Trump has resorted to carrying and misquoting the bible in an attempt to garner the Christian vote, and it appears to be working.  How in the fuck is this working?  HOW?

Look, I don't care about your religion or lack there of.  To me, its a personal thing and who am I to stand in the way of what you want to do or believe?  As far as I am concerned, you can believe and worship whatever you want.  It's none of my business and you're guaranteed these rights in whats left of the Constitution.  But if Christianity was the only "true religion",  Why aren't good Christians like the examples we have running for office praying to Jesus for a hand?  Or if they are, why isn't God listening?  Why is it getting worse rather than better?  I know, God works in mysterious ways... or just doesn't work at all like most politicians.  God can't make this better and he can't heal an amputee.  So, for the sake of all things holy, lets take God out of the equation and try to work on the shit that we mere mortals can work on....  Oh yeah.  That takes us back to this wonderful pool of degenerates that are running for office.

This government has been run predominantly by Christians (except Obama and you've all warned us about his Islamic Jihadist ass) and even with Jesus on our side, we've amassed this giant debt.  Prayers ain't a working.  That is why if I were a Christian, I'd leave Jesus out of this.  It makes it look as if he hates us or something.  Religion is one thing and politics another.  Clearly they don't go together.  It ain't working, ya'll.  But, I bet we keep doing the same old shit in this regard as well and still expect change.  Again, were back at square one.... Who'd have thunk it?

I'm open to suggestions, people.  What are we supposed to do in order to exact change?  More Jesus?  More government?  More rules and regulations?  Or, do we actually do something knew, something different?  The problem is, I know us.  We aren't going to do anything other than sit and complain about 'the other guy' and claim that our guy is the "solution".  240 years people.  240 years.  We've been doing the same thing for 240 years and things have steadily gotten worse.

I'm asking for solutions because I am not smart enough to figure this thing out.  I will tell you what I am going to do.  Whether it be right or wrong, I am taking a new approach.  I'm not voting.  In my opinion, if you rush out to the polls and vote, you are saying that you are okay with a system that you fully admit that is broken and no longer works.  To me, the proof is in the pudding.  We keep electing the same caliber of people, the same professional career politicians and we wonder why shit isn't changing.  By voting for these turds, we are assuring that nothing will get accomplished and we are going to be playing the same game.

I'm only going to stay "involved" by calling out the liars and the bullshit when I see it.  I'm going to call out government agencies like the EPA for their debacles (think mine waste spill they caused that polluted the Arkansas river) and ask why nothing is being done.  Had you or I done the same thing, we'd be imprisoned and fined beyond what we thought was even possible.  I'm going to ask for accountability but I know you can't ask for accountability from people who aren't capable of owning up to the things they've done or haven't done.

I've "been involved" in this pageantry for nearly 30 years, doing the same thing over and over 'because its my duty".  I refuse to contribute to this dysfunction and then complain about it.  I find it hypocritical and I'll save being a hypocrite for other occasions.  We're at a point now where we are so divided as a country and the media does a great job keeping us engaged with this fight and the God damned Kardashians rather than giving us the truth or at least a level of semi-honest objectivity that we deserve.  By the way, why aren't we demanding that?  Why are we not demanding that news be less about entertainment and arguing and more about the truth and objectivity?

We can do better, but we have to change and we have to demand change.  The system, in my opinion, is too big and too controlling by people other than ourselves.  Until we get that back, we can expect more of the same.  We're used to being lied too.  We're used to being taken advantage of.  We're used to the government/system getting its way and its not going to change until WE change it.  We can't keep looking to the same crooked people and expect change but we've bought into that notion.  We've bought into the idea that this is the only way out and in reality, its the only way in.

Politics reminds me of something I did when I was a little kid.  I'll preface this by saying that I have always been a hard learner, but I think this story is fitting.  I was about 6 years old and my mother had to leave town for a couple of days and employed my cousin to watch over us.  I had 2 light bulbs in the lighting fixture in my bedroom and both were burnt out.  I decided that this was an opportune moment to learn how to change a light bulb, so I stacked my clothes hamper upon my bed and climbed atop said hamper in order to be able to reach the light fixture.

I quickly figured out how to loosen the nut that held the glass globe in place and removed the globe.  I reached back up and removed one bulb, then the next.  Apparently I had been out of my cousins view just long enough that he thought he'd better see what I was up to.  He came in my room as I was balanced on my hamper and asked, "What are you doing?"  I told him I was changing the light bulbs and must have been convincing enough to make him believe I was operating within reasonable parameters.  He asked if I knew where the replacement bulbs were and I told him I did.  Before exiting the room, he said "Don't stick your finger in the light socket" and he turned and left.

So there I stand, on a clothes hamper stacked up on the corner of by bed... staring at the light socket.  I remember thinking, "why would he say some shit like that?"  In retrospect, I was given enough information in order to assume that sticking my finger in the light socket was going to be a bad idea, but I didn't have the ability to listen to responsible information and I jammed my finger into the light socket.

The next thing I remember was my body being parallel to the floor about 6 feet in the air.  I plummeted towards the hamper which was now on its side, on the corner of the bed.  I landed on it with my rib cage and broke the wicker piece of shit into about 30 pieces and the recoil of the bounce sent me head first into my dresser.  It must have been quite the commotion because my cousin showed up just about the time my body came to rest between the foot of the bed and the dresser.  I was literally too shocked to cry.  I had a knot on my head from the dresser impact, my finger felt like it was about 3 feet in circumference and a quarter inch long and oddly it felt like a grew a mustache and all of my teeth were loose.

I'm sitting there, shaking like a dog shitting a peach seed and my cousin says, "You stuck your finger in the light socket, didn't you?"  Instead of answering him with a casual yes, I must have said something smart-assed because I was promptly issued an asswhipping!

That is politics and that is voting.  Now I consider myself a political free agent and my wife feels it necessary to give me instructions on difficult matters like when to raise and lower the toilet seat.  Perhaps that is the residual effects of voting... I mean, sticking your finger in a light socket.