Family

 

Good Morning!  I hope everyone is off to a powerful start on this beautiful Friday.  I hope your coffee is hot and your favorite mug stays full!  This is going to be a great weekend.  I'm going to have a little trigger time with a friend who just got a new 1911 and he wants a tune up and some pointers, so were going to load up a bunch of different noise makers and head out to the sticks!

So, let's get down to the topic this morning.  I'm not exactly sure what the topic is.  That shouldn't be too big of a surprise to most of you.  I was listening to a weird podcast and they were talking about "parenting styles".  

Like most of you, when the wife and I had kids, I didn't have any parenting skills.  I'm half assed sure that I don't have any now after raising a couple of people.  All I ever really wanted out of my children is for them to not grow up into assholes.  I figured that was my only real goal.  So far, this appears to be the case.  I'm proud of both of my boys.

The first one showed up when I was 27.  I went to lamaze classes with the wife.  Honestly, I didn't learn a thing.  When it came down to go time in the hospital, I screwed it all up.  I mean, the boy came out and everything was in the right place.  All of his fingers and toes were where they belonged.  I was worried though.  I had the same dream time and time again where my first born was just going to be born as a head.  Just a head.  No body, no feet, just a head.  (Kind of funny, right.)

The second one came around when I was 30.  I won't say I was an old pro at this time, but I was prepared, kind of.  I could change a diaper and I knew how to not lose or misplace your child, but that was about it.  And at the age of 30, I qualified as an adult but I still had so much stupid youth coursing through my veins.  My poor wife was raising 3 kids.  I think I can speak for her on this, we didn't have it all but we did have fun!

Humor was something I developed at a young age.  Humor is how I learned to deal with things.  Even if the worst shit in the world happened, I'd somehow find the humor in it.  Maybe it wasn't the most healthy thing in the world, but I'm still here, the wife is still here and both boys are still here.

So I said all of that to say this.  I was still in the bar business.  I'd get home often around 3-3:30am.  Unwind for a half an hour and hit the rack.  Typically the boys would be up a couple of hours later and depending on the day, these little fellers were my sole responsibility.  Other days, say the weekend, the wife and I would parent together.

On this particular morning, Roger was up first as this was not unusual.  Roger was old enough to be able to make himself a little breakfast all by himself.  I guess he was about 8-9 years old.  Shit, he was cooking his own eggs at this point, and as long as the house didn't burn down, everything was good.

Wade on the other hand.  This lunatic was completely capable of making a t-shirt his preferred type of boxer shorts and was going to put his pants on backwards just for the hell of it.  Best part was, he was convinced that this was okay.

So Roger is in the kitchen.  DeeDee and I hear him stirring around.  A couple minutes later, Wado-Tornado hits the scene.  First words out of Wade's mouth were "Bloooble loop".  Then he said it again, and again.  I looked at DeeDee and said, "What in the hell is that kid doing?"  Again, "Bloooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop."

Roger says, "Wade! Stop!" Wade says, "Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop."  Again Roger says in a bit more of an aggressive tone, "Wade stop!  Knock it off!".  Wade replies, "Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop."  The kid can't help himself....  Roger again, even more aggressively says... in fact he yells "Wade!  Stop!".  Guess what came next?  "Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop!"

The Roginator couldn't take it.  "Wade!  Stop it or I am going to punch you in the face."  

Let me stop right there.  If you know me and if you know my kids, you know nobody is going to stop anything.  We can't.  It's a Dudley gene.  There is some shit that we Dudley men cannot stop. 

DeeDee and I were getting up to break up the quarrel.  It had gotten to the point where the shit was going to hit the fan!  It was time for mom and dad to parent or at least try to adult.  I have to admit, part of me wanted to wait it out and see what was going to happen.  Roger fired the warning shot over Wade's bow.  Part of me wanted to see if he had it in him...

"Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop" again, out of Wades mouth followed instantly by a sound of some child punching another child in the face.  "Crack!"  

I hop out of bed and open the door.  Old Wade, standing there with his hand over his eye, "Wooooo, hooo, hooo" crying his lights out.  I holler, "What in the hell is going on here?"  Wade said, "Roger punched me in the face!"  I replied, "Yeah, no shit.  He told you he was going to punch you in the face if you didn't knock it off!  And what did you do?  More of that blooble loop bullshit."

I look at Roger.  His eyes were as big as a hub cap.  He thought he was going to get it.  I just yelled, "You 2 knock this shit off.  You're brothers!  You have to look out for one another.  If one of you pisses the other off, I hope you punch the other guy in the face.  It's too early for this shit!  I haven't even had coffee yet."  That was it.  The crying stopped.  Roger kind of figured that he was out of trouble and my little buddy Wade probably didn't learn a fucking thing....

I walk back into the bedroom as DeeDee was still trying to put herself together and go give the boys an earful of momma logic.  We looked at each other and laughed.  DeeDee said, "Well, uhm... I think you handled that okay."  We laughed again.  I added, "Look, Roger said he was going to Wade in the face if he didn't quit pestering him.  He gave him a chance!  Old Wade caught a case of the "can't help its" and consequently got the business from Roger."

We somehow managed to gather our composure and walk out of our bedroom together.  Roger is sitting on one end of the couch eating a bologna sandwich or some shit and Wade is on the other end of the couch rubbing his freshly dotted eye.  I cracked up and headed back into the bedroom laughing hysterically.

DeeDee did her best to act like a responsible parent.  As she is making coffee she said, "You boys need to knock it off!  You're brothers and you love one another."  Wade says, "Yeah, but he punched me in the face."  DeeDee said, "He told you he was going to!"  She added, "He told you to knock it off at least 6 times before he hit you, and he told you that he was going to hit you. You could have knocked it off and this wouldn't have happened."  Wade says, ''Yeah, he told me to quit, but he could have politely asked me to quit."  

I absolutely lost it!  I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe.  Both of these kids, my sole purpose at this point in my life were just like me!  My mom told me this would happen.  She convinced me that I even deserved it for the shit I pulled with my little sister.  As it turns out, she was right.  And you know what?  I wouldn't change it for the world!  I will remember this and at least 100 other stories until the day I die.

Now, to me... here comes the funny part.  We as a family have talked about this incident many times, even when the boys became adults.  We've laughed about it, because it is funny and it is real life shit!  I asked Wade, "Why didn't you just shup up?"  And just like his daddy, he said "I fucking couldn't.  I wanted to, but I just fucking couldn't."  

This was one of my proudest moments yet.  As adults, I knew they would probably be okay.  I was proud of Roger that early morning because he said he was going to do something about it and followed through.  Years later, I was proud of Wade regarding their morning rendezvous, because he admitted years later that he just couldn't help himself.  He took responsibility.  I like both sides.

I didn't put this out there for parental advice.  This is real life, no bullshit-but kind of bullshit.  Nobody really got hurt.  I'm half sure nobody in the family learned anything (another Dudley man trait).  But here we are.  20 years later, able to laugh about it.  

Parenting is hard, man.  Being a kid is hard.  Parents learning while the kids are learning.  Parents try to guide and kids try to see what they can get away with.  That is funny to me and I hope each of you has stories like this to share with one another or laugh with the family over.

We had 2 things, the Dudley family.  Lots of love and lots of laughter.  I am so grateful for every second I got to spend with these people.  I think we all learned together, some shit is serious and some shit is not, and in the end, if we can't laugh about it, well, it just wasn't worth it.  

To my boys Roger and Wade, I love you.  You'll never know how much.  And to my wife and life partner, I couldn't have any of this without you.  Thank you for being strong where I was not and thank you for having a sense of humor!  I love you.