Family

 

Good Morning!  I hope everyone is off to a powerful start on this beautiful Friday.  I hope your coffee is hot and your favorite mug stays full!  This is going to be a great weekend.  I'm going to have a little trigger time with a friend who just got a new 1911 and he wants a tune up and some pointers, so were going to load up a bunch of different noise makers and head out to the sticks!

So, let's get down to the topic this morning.  I'm not exactly sure what the topic is.  That shouldn't be too big of a surprise to most of you.  I was listening to a weird podcast and they were talking about "parenting styles".  

Like most of you, when the wife and I had kids, I didn't have any parenting skills.  I'm half assed sure that I don't have any now after raising a couple of people.  All I ever really wanted out of my children is for them to not grow up into assholes.  I figured that was my only real goal.  So far, this appears to be the case.  I'm proud of both of my boys.

The first one showed up when I was 27.  I went to lamaze classes with the wife.  Honestly, I didn't learn a thing.  When it came down to go time in the hospital, I screwed it all up.  I mean, the boy came out and everything was in the right place.  All of his fingers and toes were where they belonged.  I was worried though.  I had the same dream time and time again where my first born was just going to be born as a head.  Just a head.  No body, no feet, just a head.  (Kind of funny, right.)

The second one came around when I was 30.  I won't say I was an old pro at this time, but I was prepared, kind of.  I could change a diaper and I knew how to not lose or misplace your child, but that was about it.  And at the age of 30, I qualified as an adult but I still had so much stupid youth coursing through my veins.  My poor wife was raising 3 kids.  I think I can speak for her on this, we didn't have it all but we did have fun!

Humor was something I developed at a young age.  Humor is how I learned to deal with things.  Even if the worst shit in the world happened, I'd somehow find the humor in it.  Maybe it wasn't the most healthy thing in the world, but I'm still here, the wife is still here and both boys are still here.

So I said all of that to say this.  I was still in the bar business.  I'd get home often around 3-3:30am.  Unwind for a half an hour and hit the rack.  Typically the boys would be up a couple of hours later and depending on the day, these little fellers were my sole responsibility.  Other days, say the weekend, the wife and I would parent together.

On this particular morning, Roger was up first as this was not unusual.  Roger was old enough to be able to make himself a little breakfast all by himself.  I guess he was about 8-9 years old.  Shit, he was cooking his own eggs at this point, and as long as the house didn't burn down, everything was good.

Wade on the other hand.  This lunatic was completely capable of making a t-shirt his preferred type of boxer shorts and was going to put his pants on backwards just for the hell of it.  Best part was, he was convinced that this was okay.

So Roger is in the kitchen.  DeeDee and I hear him stirring around.  A couple minutes later, Wado-Tornado hits the scene.  First words out of Wade's mouth were "Bloooble loop".  Then he said it again, and again.  I looked at DeeDee and said, "What in the hell is that kid doing?"  Again, "Bloooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop."

Roger says, "Wade! Stop!" Wade says, "Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop."  Again Roger says in a bit more of an aggressive tone, "Wade stop!  Knock it off!".  Wade replies, "Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop."  The kid can't help himself....  Roger again, even more aggressively says... in fact he yells "Wade!  Stop!".  Guess what came next?  "Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop!"

The Roginator couldn't take it.  "Wade!  Stop it or I am going to punch you in the face."  

Let me stop right there.  If you know me and if you know my kids, you know nobody is going to stop anything.  We can't.  It's a Dudley gene.  There is some shit that we Dudley men cannot stop. 

DeeDee and I were getting up to break up the quarrel.  It had gotten to the point where the shit was going to hit the fan!  It was time for mom and dad to parent or at least try to adult.  I have to admit, part of me wanted to wait it out and see what was going to happen.  Roger fired the warning shot over Wade's bow.  Part of me wanted to see if he had it in him...

"Blooble loop, blooble loop, blooble loop" again, out of Wades mouth followed instantly by a sound of some child punching another child in the face.  "Crack!"  

I hop out of bed and open the door.  Old Wade, standing there with his hand over his eye, "Wooooo, hooo, hooo" crying his lights out.  I holler, "What in the hell is going on here?"  Wade said, "Roger punched me in the face!"  I replied, "Yeah, no shit.  He told you he was going to punch you in the face if you didn't knock it off!  And what did you do?  More of that blooble loop bullshit."

I look at Roger.  His eyes were as big as a hub cap.  He thought he was going to get it.  I just yelled, "You 2 knock this shit off.  You're brothers!  You have to look out for one another.  If one of you pisses the other off, I hope you punch the other guy in the face.  It's too early for this shit!  I haven't even had coffee yet."  That was it.  The crying stopped.  Roger kind of figured that he was out of trouble and my little buddy Wade probably didn't learn a fucking thing....

I walk back into the bedroom as DeeDee was still trying to put herself together and go give the boys an earful of momma logic.  We looked at each other and laughed.  DeeDee said, "Well, uhm... I think you handled that okay."  We laughed again.  I added, "Look, Roger said he was going to Wade in the face if he didn't quit pestering him.  He gave him a chance!  Old Wade caught a case of the "can't help its" and consequently got the business from Roger."

We somehow managed to gather our composure and walk out of our bedroom together.  Roger is sitting on one end of the couch eating a bologna sandwich or some shit and Wade is on the other end of the couch rubbing his freshly dotted eye.  I cracked up and headed back into the bedroom laughing hysterically.

DeeDee did her best to act like a responsible parent.  As she is making coffee she said, "You boys need to knock it off!  You're brothers and you love one another."  Wade says, "Yeah, but he punched me in the face."  DeeDee said, "He told you he was going to!"  She added, "He told you to knock it off at least 6 times before he hit you, and he told you that he was going to hit you. You could have knocked it off and this wouldn't have happened."  Wade says, ''Yeah, he told me to quit, but he could have politely asked me to quit."  

I absolutely lost it!  I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe.  Both of these kids, my sole purpose at this point in my life were just like me!  My mom told me this would happen.  She convinced me that I even deserved it for the shit I pulled with my little sister.  As it turns out, she was right.  And you know what?  I wouldn't change it for the world!  I will remember this and at least 100 other stories until the day I die.

Now, to me... here comes the funny part.  We as a family have talked about this incident many times, even when the boys became adults.  We've laughed about it, because it is funny and it is real life shit!  I asked Wade, "Why didn't you just shup up?"  And just like his daddy, he said "I fucking couldn't.  I wanted to, but I just fucking couldn't."  

This was one of my proudest moments yet.  As adults, I knew they would probably be okay.  I was proud of Roger that early morning because he said he was going to do something about it and followed through.  Years later, I was proud of Wade regarding their morning rendezvous, because he admitted years later that he just couldn't help himself.  He took responsibility.  I like both sides.

I didn't put this out there for parental advice.  This is real life, no bullshit-but kind of bullshit.  Nobody really got hurt.  I'm half sure nobody in the family learned anything (another Dudley man trait).  But here we are.  20 years later, able to laugh about it.  

Parenting is hard, man.  Being a kid is hard.  Parents learning while the kids are learning.  Parents try to guide and kids try to see what they can get away with.  That is funny to me and I hope each of you has stories like this to share with one another or laugh with the family over.

We had 2 things, the Dudley family.  Lots of love and lots of laughter.  I am so grateful for every second I got to spend with these people.  I think we all learned together, some shit is serious and some shit is not, and in the end, if we can't laugh about it, well, it just wasn't worth it.  

To my boys Roger and Wade, I love you.  You'll never know how much.  And to my wife and life partner, I couldn't have any of this without you.  Thank you for being strong where I was not and thank you for having a sense of humor!  I love you.

"I'm the host? I mean, I am the host."

 

How is everyone doing?  Happy Memorial Day Weekend.  I haven't been on this thing for a while.  If you're new around here, I like to get on here every once in a while and tell a story or give my opinion on something.  Sometimes funny and sometimes a bit more serious, but this won't be that.

I can't believe I haven't told this one yet.  To me, this ranks pretty high on the obnoxious scale for me.  It was a situation where a little bit of alcohol made people think I was something that perhaps I was not.  Hang on for a second and I'll try to paint the picture.

I moved to Wyoming in 1989.  I knew about 4 people in the whole state and they were mostly family.  But this being a small town and me being in the business I was in, I met a lot of people in a short period of time.  Mostly good folks, mind you.  There were a few unsavory characters in the mix but you will have that just about anywhere you go.

So anyhow, lets jump forward a year.  It's 1990 in Jackson, Wyoming.  I am now tending bar.  I know a lot of people now, especially folks in the same industry that I was in.  There used to be this joint south of town that was good for steaks and libations.  The gentleman that ran the joint was a regular at the Cowboy Bar.  He'd stop in for a Heineken or a cup of coffee after making his deposit at the bank.  (I'll call him Mike... well, everyone called him Mike.  That was his name.)

Mike stopped in one morning and asked if I knew this particular couple that had recently gotten hitched.  The names sounded familiar but I always had to cross reference a name with where they worked.  The woman worked for Mike and her new husband worked construction in the valley.  Super nice folks and although I didn't know them personally, I did know who they were.

Mike said, "They come in here often.  They eloped a couple of weeks ago and I am putting together a small get together for them down at the Pub.  You ought to stop by, have a beer and some hor d'oeuvres and say howdy."  

Mike assured me that there would be a few folks there that I did know and that it was sure to be a good time.  So, I told Mike that I would attend.  Mike shook my hand and said, "See you then" and out the door he went.

I worked the day of the party.  I came home, took a shower and got gussied up a bit.  I went as far as to wear a sport jacket and I hardly ever do that!  I arrive at the venue and as usual, Mike greets me at the door.  As usual, a warm smile, a good handshake and Mike said, "The gathering is over here in the corner."  As we walked around the corner of the bar, Mike picked me up a beer and introduced me to the bride and groom.

We chatted for a few minutes and then the rest of the group started to arrive.  I kind of stepped out of the way and allowed everyone else to say hey to the bride and groom.  I ordered myself another beer and talked with a bartender that I knew.  A minute or two later, a couple of people I did know showed up.  I had a beer or two with them and realized that I had to make my way to the restroom.

As I proceeded towards the lavatory, I got stopped by a nice older couple that I knew.  I shook their hands and had a brief conversation.  As I moved away, I ran into some of my regular customers from the Cowboy.  I had a chat with them and then made my way to my destination.

I did what I had to do there and came back out.  The dining room was about half full, which was typical for the time of day.  It seemed as if I knew about 75% of the people in there.  I was walking around, shaking hands, giving hugs.... I looked like a guy running for political office.  It dawned on me that I was talking to almost everyone in the room.  It might have looked like I worked there with my nicely ironed jeans, new boots, white shirt and jacket on.

I decided that it was time to get back to my corner and out of the dining room.  Just as I turned to walk back into the bar area, a gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Can you tell me what the specials are this evening?"

The right thing to do would have been to tell the guy that I didn't work there.  I didn't do that.  Like I mentioned above, I had a little liquid courage on board so I answered him this way.  "I'd be glad to tell you about our specials.  As usual, our steaks are hand cut daily.  You can't go wrong with the large filet or one of our ribeye steaks.  We do have a fish special tonight.  It's a seared swordfish with a mixed fruit salsa served with a wild rice medley.  We also have a pan seared tuna appetizer that comes with a wasabi dipping sauce.  The Surf and Turf is on special tonight.  It's an 8oz prime filet paired with a 6 oz lobster tail and that comes with all of the trimmings and your choice of potato."

At this point, I was talking out of my ass.  I had no business saying what I said, but now it's out there and I had to go hide, so I did.  I nodded and said, "Your server will be with you in just a moment."  I got back to my corner, ordered another beer and didn't tell anyone what I just did.

For the life of me, I don't know why I didn't tell the guy that I didn't work there.  This was the first time that I ever smart assed off like this, and, well, I thought I was hilarious.  

From where I was standing, I could see this particular table.  Their server arrived at their table.  I watch him go through the greeting process.  As he is talking to the gentleman, I notice that the woman said something and is looking around the room.  The server excused himself for a couple of minutes and came back to the table with someone from the kitchen.

Now there is a big discussion going on.  I wouldn't say it was heated but they were definitely trying to sort some things out.  About a minute later, my friend Mike showed up at the table.  

If anyone was going to get things sorted, it was Mike.  This guy was one of the best Front of House/Hosts I ever met in my life.  I don't know if he knows this, but he taught me a lot.  Anyways, they are all involved in this discussion.  Mike is looking around like he is trying to find the person who gave these nice folks a line of shit about the specials.  The server walks away and comes back in a minute with a bottle of red wine.

Now the male customer is standing up.  I am thinking that I had probably be ready to intervene as Mike was not a fighter and this guy looked to be pretty pissed off.  He ends up shaking Mikes hand, has a seat and enjoys a glass of wine while he waits for his order.

I am thinking to myself, "Well dipshit, you about caused a war.  Don't do that anymore.  This is a nice place.  You were invited.  You aren't even buying your liquor so it would behoove you to get all of your shit in one sock, fly right and get out of here without getting your ass kicked or embarrassed."

Mike comes over to our corner rubbing his forehead.  He walks up to the bride and groom to check on them.  He checks with the bartender, the cocktail waitress and then starts walking towards me.  He says, "I just had some jack ass tell some customers about a bunch of specials that we don't have and I am pretty sure he doesn't work here.  Who in the hell would do that?"  He laughed.  I laughed and added, "I don't know but that is kind of funny, isn't it?"  

Mike being the good natured guy he is said, "I wish he wouldn't have done it tonight.  Any other night and it would have been funny."  He then added, "If I find this guy, can you help me escort him out?"  I said, "It'd be my pleasure, Mike."

So here I stand at the cross roads.  I'm guilty, but Mike doesn't know it.  The server doesn't know it.  Nobody in this party knows it, but sooner or later I was going to have to throw myself out of that place.  I stayed around for another beer.  The place was filling up quickly and I took that as my que to leave.  The problem was, I had to walk by this particular table on my way to the door.  They were going to notice my dumb ass for sure.

So, since I already had a case of the "can't help its", I slammed my beer and headed towards the door.  I rounded the corner of the bar and was bee lining towards the exit.  As I checked on my "friends" sitting in the two top directly across from the exit, I catch eyes with the woman.  She does that thing, that look when you think you recognize someone but aren't sure....  I put a smile on and make a brisk turn towards the door.  The lady says, "Excuse me."  I turned and said, "Enjoy the specials" and hit the door.

It's been 35 years since that has happened.  I can't remember if I ever told Mike about that.  As far as I know, only that couple, the server, the guy from the kitchen, Mike and I are all who knows about it, and Mike didn't know that I was the culprit.

You can bet your ass that I was buying Mike a beer every time I saw him at the Cowboy.  Not even a regular comp.  I was buying his drink with my own money.  I felt as if I owed him that.  Mike, if you're still around, I am going to apologize now.  I'm not so sure why I thought that would be funny... but it kind of was.  At least to me.

I've got a "different Mike" story.  I'll get to that one next.

I'm going to blow out....

Happy Friday everybody!  I'm not happy, and that is why I am about to blow out, here and now.  Lots of things have my knickers in a knot.

First off, the news.  I quit reading the news some time back.  It was so rewarding to not have to have this silly shit swirling around in my big ass head.  And now for some dumb reason, I have begun reading the news again.  None of it is good.  I can't tell what is accurate but I still know a line of bullshit when you try to feed it to me.

Online I have been harping about the republicans.  A friend asked me why and I will address this here.  The why is easy.  I bought into the republican party before I was 18.  The whole idea of being fiscally responsible, being for freedom, being a 2nd Amendment supporter... this was the only real choice for me.

For years I stood by and voted the party line (Which is exactly what they want).  (Both parties, by the way.)  I was told that the republican party was all of the aforementioned and then some.  I bought it.  I was told that the democrats were coming after my freedom (which is still what they say today).  They were coming after my guns.  They were trampling my rights.  "Free speech!  They are coming after free speech!"

They ain't coming after free speech.  What you have to understand about free speech is, you can say pretty much whatever you want to say, but there are going to be consequences.  You are likely to get a few people pissed off with your free speech.  I've done it and probably will again with this rant! You might get your ass whipped.  Nothing I am saying here is "illegal".  I won't go to jail for any of this, but there may very well be consequences.  Anyone has the right to be offended by what I say.  But then what?  You're offended... so we aren't friends anymore?  We can't have a conversation anymore?  We can't agree to disagree?  

I have a friend at work.  He is way more progressive than I am.  Years ago, he told me that I was wrong for not voting.  He said, "You still have to vote."  I pointed out to him how often either side looks you square in the eye, feeds you a line of bullshit and you either bite or don't bite.  I said, "You are choosing between liars.  You are choosing which cancer you want to kill you.  I don't want cancer and I won't vote for a liar.  Any liar.  Lying is not okay, ever."

As our discussion developed, I made a few more points that he acknowledged, perhaps half heartedly.  Just the other day, this man told me, "You were right."  The very next thing he said was, "Its both sides.  They can't help but lie.  They are pandering for votes.  Most of the shit they espouse is shit they could never get pushed through, and they are cunning enough to know that!"

I congratulated the man.  He said, "Biden and his $15 dollar minimum wage... what a crock of shit that was.  He said that on his first day in office, this was going to be the norm.  On his first day, he walked away from that statement.  Completely blew that shit off."  And, he's right.  

That was only one point we discussed, but the problem is far deeper.  Whether you are a R or a D, you are being lied to on a regular basis.  You accept or don't mention the bullshit on your side and immediately deflect to the other side.  The problem with this is the level of disfunction has just grown.  These jack wagons know they have you right where they want you.  They have respective captive audiences, they know what you want to hear and as long as there are consumers that will lap this shit up, it will continue.  Completely unaccounted for, by the way.  None of this shit is good.

I remember a day when a lie was an immediate disqualifier.  No matter the lie, you were going to be held accountable.  And then somewhere along the lines, we idolized these dickheads in politics and quit holding them unchecked.  it's actually worse.  If they lie and they are on "your side" we now protect these fucking people!  Why?  How?

I remember when janky shit was noted as janky shit.  Most everyone wanted no part in it, but it now appears if people have an investment in this.  If it's "your guy", it's tolerable?  I think you ought to hold "your side" more accountable.  That's how I was brought up.  Most of us were brought up that way.  That is gone now.  It just doesn't exist.  I don't understand it.

I have had people tell me (like its a bad thing) "You are way more liberal than you used to be."  Yeah, no shit.  I've learned a lot of things in the last 56.85 years.  I tried to quit being ignorant.  I've read and listened to many other peoples side of the story.  I've learned that so much of what we learned in school was only part of the story, minus what "they" don't want you to know.  

I have a lot of people to whom I am thankful for being patient and then pointing out the obvious to me, but I won't name them here.  They might not approve of my post.

I learned to be more considerate of other people's needs.  I've learned that we are here, pretty much with the same needs and wants all the while elected officials just dangle that shit out in front of you to pander for their votes.  If elected, they get paid... by us.  They tell us when they get a raise.  Martha Stewarts ass went to prison over "insider trading" and numerous politicians have been guilty of the same fucking thing and NOTHING HAPPENED!  There is no accountability.  These fucking people do what they want and convince their supporters that THEY are the only person who can do the job.  And, we are fucking simple enough to go right along with it if at least most of the shit they say and do goes along with OUR way of thinking.  

This whole fucking thing has gotten so far out of hand that entertainers, people who take money and do their dog and pony show for us have been given the space within corporate media time slots to voice their opinions.  Some of these very same entertainers where once chastised for being 'draft dodgers" by people who now support them?  If being a draft dodger was once that important to you, how do you give them a pass now? How did you once despise someone and now believe everything they say and do?  People have given passes to too many people that have a little notoriety, just because they are famous.  

I don't get it.  How can this shit be real?  What in the fuck happened?  Can anybody help me with this?  Have I lost my fucking mind?  Is this shit not happening?  

"If you don't vote, you can't complain."  Horse shit.  I've held people accountable for the things they say and do all of my life with voting set aside from that.  I'm always going to do that.  I was brought up believing a man's/woman's word was everything.  You respect until you have reason to not respect and lying was a disqualifier.  Not anymore.  If it's a "good" lie, if it sounds almost believable, it's now an alternative fact.  Where in the fuck did that come from?  How is that even a thing?

It's still both sides and I am harping on the republicans because I used to believe in them.  I bought their shit hook, line and sinker.  Now, I am mad.  I'm mad because I was that gullible.  I thought, I was actually told that these people cared about me.  They don't give a fuck.  Actually, that's not true.  They give a fuck until they have your vote, then they quit giving a fuck.

Do you think for one god damned second that any of these parasites know what it's like to live in your shoes?  Do you think they understand your troubles?  All they know is this.  They know what riles you up and by being "riled" up, you feel apart of this thing.  You feel invested and when your guy loses, it hurts and this produces more vitriol, more hatred and misguided anger towards US, THE PEOPLE.

I'm fucking sick with this.  

Now, the media.  How did this get so far out of whack?  (Big money donations has a lot to do with it.)  I believed the news back in the day.  Now I see how much revenue the news generates.  I see where that money comes from.  The news is loyal to whomever is paying them the most.  

I used to think we could do better or be better.  I still do to some extent, but I think that comes down to the individuals.  I think it comes down to US doing better.  I think it comes down to US holding responsible parties feet to the fire and once they lie, we cut them off.  It won't happen though.  I think were too far gone.  I think too many Americans love the likes of Hannity or whats her nuts on MSNBC.  Factual information aside.  I think Americans think they identify with us and we them.  All of this shit is propaganda.  You buy it or you don't.  I fucking don't.  And please, do NOT say anything around me that you don't want to later be held accountable for.  

Cancel culture.  Another crock of shit bestowed upon us by the sources.  People seem to like cancel culture until it happens to "their guy".  If its good for the goose, it's good for the gander.  If you are going to feed giant ass lies of bullshit to the public, you should be canceled.  If you have a certain level of celebrity and use your influence to cancel shit, you yourself should be prepared for the consequences.  If in return your ass gets cancelled, you bought in to it and this is the public taking the trash out.

Fucking people are mad at beer, books, amusement parks, espouse freedom but want to fuck you right out of your rights?  Kid Rock... this guy blows up beer, gets a platform to express his opinion on a biased "news" source and calls for cancellation.  Then the dumb fuck comes out and says, "I didn't think this was going to affect the people that worked there?"  Could you be any more fucking stupid?  Fact of the matter is, dumb ass likes a cold Bud Light.  

Then you have jerk off politician that hops on that band wagon.  "I'll never have or serve that shit at my house'.  Then he shows his poolside beer fridge stocked with products made by the same producer?  You're still supporting the brand, dick head.  Are you that dumb?  (Better go vote for his lying ass!)

I am sad to say that I have lost friends over this.  I'll probably lose more, and if these folks can't be genuine, have a good hard look at themselves and take a personal inventory, I am okay with "losing them". 

My intent with this rant was to open some eyes.  I know some smart people caught up in this bullshit, and if they can't fess up and eat a little crow, it was nice knowing you.  I'm getting too old for this shit.  I don't have time for people who say they are for honesty and integrity and then discount both when it comes to voting.  

And as a disclosure, I will ad this.  I've been told that I am too hard on people.  If we've ever been close, you're fucking right I've been hard on you.  You were trusted in my circle.  I expected more from you.  If you can't be honest, if you can't be kind, if you can't be humble, what are we even doing?

Pending surgery:

 

Happy Monday!  I hope everyone is having a peach of a day.  Sure is pretty enough around here to be having a good day.  Not sure why I got a hitch in my giddy-up, but damned if I don't.

I've been talking about my upcoming shoulder surgery a bit lately.  I'm not scared about it.  I just want it done and I want to get through that first week of bullshit, then I will be able to handle everything else.

Surgeries, it seems, are a bit different than the last one I had.  I had an umbilical hernia repaired 25-27 years ago.  Everything that needed to be done was done in the office pre-op.  Nowadays, you get to do a lot of this stuff online.  I'm sure some of you are saying, "Oh yeah, so much more convenient."  Well, your buddy can't figure this shit out.

I had to fill out this thing called a patient portal.  This little gem of an idea is supposed to make corresponding with the surgical center and everyone else involved so much easier.  One of the things it asks you to do is 'produce a strong password'.  

I worked on this bullshit for 45 minutes.  buddhalikesmuffins was not strong enough.  ddbdrdwd1967 wasn't strong enough.  maryhadalittlebuzzard wasn't strong enough.  kickthecat883 wasn't strong enough and it was about at this point that I started losing my shit.

I spelled my childhood address backwards and that wasn't strong enough.  I spelled zyzzyzyermocalif1987 and that wasn't strong enough.  I used copenhagen101.5, KOMProckslasvegas, pocketpuppy, loverlipz, lmaoIamgoingtoshit... none good enough.

I scrolled to the top of the page.  I re-read all of the instructions.  I went back to where I am supposed to type this "strong password".  I typed in brushyeyebrows and noticed a little eyeball icon to the right of it. I clicked on it and it said, burshyeyebrows is taken but brushyeyebrows097 is not.  I type in burshyeyebrows097 and hit enter..... not strong enough.

All of the bullshit I could come up with is not strong enough.  The god damned suggestion that THEY MADE was not strong enough!!!!

Well, I threw my phone in the recycle basket and walked away.  I took a 5 minute walk and came back.  At the bottom of the page I found this nice little "help' button.  I clicked on it and it allowed me to type a message to the "specialist".

I wrote exactly this:  I've been messing with registering for 45 minutes and for one reason or another, I cannot come up with a password that is strong enough.  The little green light says it is STRONG ENOUGH, but as soon as I hit send, I get another FUCKING message that says my password is not strong enough.  Now what?

Cicely, who seems to be a very kind person wrote back.  Her advice was to type a password and if it isn't strong enough, the little eye icon would suggest one that is strong enough.

I replied:  Cicely, no dice.  I typed exactly what they told me was strong enough and it didn't work.  At this point, I'd rather try my hand at stuffing cooked spaghetti noodles up a rabid bobcats ass than play little typewriter games.  I am having a shoulder surgery.  I don't give 2 half shits about anyone knowing my business and I am not in the mood for coming up with an unbreakable code for a fucking password that I'll never, ever remember.

Cicely hasn't responded.  If I were her, I'd be laughing right now.  I don't know what in the world that I am doing wrong but I cannot mess with that shit any more today....  I just can't.  I bet I can't do it tomorrow.  I mean, I have created passwords 100 times at least-no issue!  Why NOW!

By the way, dirtysanchez, dirtyjuanita, dirtypirate, baltimorebrownie, puffypoundcake, fecalfelon, knobgobbler2000, gofuckyourself, gofuckmyself, gofucktheneighbor, Ilovepoliticians, chickenchoker, chokedchicken, wonderbra, elvisshitthebed, hunchbackedmidgethooker and ifmyhearthadanass, i'dkick it.. None of them worked... at one point it told me that I can't use punctuation.

Well, fucked again.  I'll get home and let the wife have a crack at it.  If she gets it....  I don't know what I'll do.  Probably cuss a lot more.  Go throw a hammer or light my cellphone on fire.  I'm done...

Crunchy... they call him Crunchy.

 

Happy Friday and all of that happy horse shit!  I hope everyone is having a great day and is on top of their game.  Me, I'm okay even when I am not so okay.  I always figure it out and I hope that for all of you.

So, the story I am about to tell you goes back some 33-34 years ago.  Its a story of "young love" and all of that mushy, gushy shit that comes around with a brand new relationship.  And, this story has been time tested.  Every time it gets brought up, I get a good laugh out of it and I hope you do too.

Like I said, let us go back some 33-34 years.  DeeDee and I had just moved in together.  We felt comfortable enough doing that, but our relationship was really brand new.  We were young, in love and trying to figure each other out yet.  Each of us has destroyed a home cooked meal, trying to be fancy for the other, so we were in just about that deep.

We knew we loved each other, but we (or should I say I/me) was trying to figure out what I could and couldn't get away with in this relationship.  

We had a tiny little apartment but it was one of the best rent deals going in Teton County.  We had a pretty good neighbor that lived next door.  I met the guy shortly after I moved in and he told me, "Good, glad DeeDee is going to have a man around the house."  He added, "My place is a safe place.  If you ever need anything, let me know."  I shook the man's hand, thanked him and we were off to a good start.

As the days went by, I noticed our neighbor was either home or gone.  You could go weeks without seeing the guy and there was never any foot traffic near his place when he was gone.  When he was there, he always had something going on.  

I don't know what the guy did for a living.  I didn't care.  As long as he was good, I was going to be good too and it all worked out just fine.  

Anyhow, the neighbor had been gone for a while.  When I came home from work one night, I noticed there was a bit of a party going on.  I was invited in but passed on the offer.  I was tired.  We'd had a couple fights in the bar that night and I needed to doctor up some bumps and bruises.

When I walked into the bedroom, I told DeeDee that our neighbor invited me over to party and that I declined the offer.  She had known the man for some time longer than I did.  She reinforced the conclusion I had already come too.  Dude was a nice guy but she understood where I was coming from.  Besides that, we had a bit of a day planned the following morning.

The next morning, DeeDee was going to head to the grocery store.  It was a beautiful morning.  We had some music going and had the front door open.  The neighbor was in and out doing things and had a friend who was going to stick around for a few days.  He introduced us, and.... well, I forgot his name.

DeeDee was getting ready to walk out the door and noticed the neighbors guest.  She asked, "Who is that?"  I told her that it was the neighbors guest, that he was going to be staying around for a few days and that the neighbor had introduced us.

So, this guy-neighbors guest was standing on the bridge.  DeeDee was going to have to walk right by the guy.  She said, "You didn't happen to catch this guys name, did you?"  I said, "Oh yeah, they call him Crunchy."  She didn't doubt me for a second.  I was sitting on the couch as she hit the door and I hear her say, "Good morning, Crunchy!"

I fell off the couch laughing.  The look on the guys face when she called him Crunchy was fucking hilarious, or at least I thought.  It was the look you'd have if someone you didn't know walked up and called you Crunchy.  And in her head, she picked up the look too but thought "Oh, he's amazed that I know his name."

I'm laughing so hard at this point that I have to go shut the door.  I was making a fool out of myself.  I watched old Crunchy contemplate this most recent event with a woman he'd never met.  His face was still kind of screwed up and he kept silently mouthing the word "Crunchy".

It was just too much for me to take.  When DeeDee came home, she asked for help with the groceries.  I was still laughing.  She said, "What's so funny?"  I said, "Did you meet the neighbors guest?"  She said, "Yeah, I walked by, smiled and said "Good Morning, Crunchy".  I started busting up again.  She said, "He was kind of surprised that I knew his name."

Now I am on the floor laughing.  I can't breathe.  I was doing that laugh that looks kind of violent, but you aren't making noise...  She said, "Oh my God!  Are you okay?'' 

I didn't think I was going to be.  Besides not being able to breathe, I figured I was about 5 minutes away from losing my new girlfriend and my new apartment at the same time, and still I could not contain my laughter.  

Finally she said, "What is going on?  What is so funny?"  I said, "Honey, that man's name is not Crunchy.  Nobody's name is Crunchy'' the laughter started again, at least on my end.  She said, "Yeah it is and he was surprised that I knew his name."  

Now I am totally out of control laughing.  She wasn't.  She was still trying to figure out what happened.

She said, "No, he was amazed that I knew his name..." convinced that the fucking guys name was indeed Crunchy.  "He was surprised!"  I finally reeled it in.  I said, "Sweetheart, I don't know that man.  Never met him until about 20 minutes ago, and I forgot his name.  I just kind of thought that his nickname could be Crunchy, so I told you that was his name.  I never in a million years thought you'd walk up to the guy and say "Good Morning Crunchy"

Now she is laughing.  More than I thought she would.  This was good news because I am full of shit like this and if she couldn't take it, the relationship wouldn't make it.

Well, here we are 33-34 years later.  Old Crunchy comes up from time to time.  I later found out what the guys real name was.  I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't buy it.  She bought Crunchy, but she wouldn't buy the guys real name.... and as usual, I started laughing again.

The One Time My Doormen Abandoned Me:

 

Good grief, it's September already! So, I was chatting with an old friend that was in the bar business with me.  She asked, "Do you remember the cookie cutter incident?".  I did.  It was one of the weirdest, funniest things that ever happened to me, and she thought that I should share.  So with that said, here we go.

Bars are kind of funny places.  The bar itself and the employees are there to provide a safe environment to listen to some live entertainment and have a few libations.  The staff is trained to look out for anyone who might be getting too intoxicated or anyone who might be infringing upon someone else's good time.  In the event of something like this happening, we (the door staff) would run a bit of an intervention.

In my little world of bar management, there were 2 types of interventions.  One is the preferred method. This is what I refer to as a "pep talk".  The bartender, waitress, doorman or manager acts like a little league coach.  He/she goes and has a little chat with the person regarding the issue at hand.  We kindly explain the rules and what we would expect to happen, and 9 times out of 10, it all works out and everyone continues to have a good time.

The other is what I like to refer to as a "Come to Jesus meeting".  A good "come to Jesus meeting" starts off a little bit like this.  By this point, we've had a pep talk with the offender already and for some reason, the bad behavior continues.  So, we walk up with 2 of us and play another fun bar game called "good cop/bad cop".  You've seen this a million times in cop movies.  Good cop starts off talking to the bad guy.  When this attempt breaks down, bad cop shows up and lays down the law.  Often times, the bad guy decides that he doesn't want to agree and would rather throw a tantrum of some sorts and then be removed from the bar.

This is exactly the case in this particular circumstance.

It was early in the evening but we had a pretty full staff.  I noticed a guy walking around.  He seemed a little off, but hell.... this is a bar.  Most of us are off but we try not to stick out.  this guy stuck out.  I walked around and made the door staff aware of the guy and told them to keep an eye on him.  I pointed the guy out to the waitstaff and bartenders as well.  

A bit of time rolls by and it is decided that the gentleman needs a pep talk.  He was shooting pool on a couple of tables and was holding up the fun, so I stepped up to have a chat.  I explained that it is too hard for some people to be shooting pool on two tables at once.  I also explained that both of his pool adversaries were a bit angry that this whole thing was taking too long.  I suggested that he shoot pool on one table and one table only.

Oddly, he agreed.  He decided that it was best to just concentrate on one game and one table.  At this point, all is well with the world.  A few minutes goes by and my new friend is talking to himself, pacing and acting just a little more odd.  He loses a game of pool and threw his stick on the table.  One of the doormen tells him that he can't do that.  If he did it again, he would have to go.

I am made aware of this and begin to keep a closer eye on my friend.  Now things escalate pretty quickly.  This guy starts running his mouth to everyone close to him.  It became abundantly clear to me that it was a "Come to Jesus Meeting" time.

I made eye contact with the doormen at the front door as I approached.  They knew where I was going.  One guy got closer so we could do the good cop/bad cop thing.  I explained that I felt he had enough fun in our establishment for the evening and that it would be best for him to travel on and see the sights.

He thought it was best to tell me to go fuck myself, as often happens in situations like this.  So I suggested to him in only a voice he could hear that he "grab his shit and start walking towards the front door".  He begins to gather his stuff all the while telling me that he is going to kick my ass.

By this time in my career, I have indeed had my ass kicked a few times but was sure that this fellow was incapable.  Not that I am or was fighter of the year or anything.  I had myself and 3 doormen watching this asshole.  No way he gets all 4 of us.

When something like this happens in a bar, there is a lot of unsaid communication going on.  Hand gestures, facial or eye gestures and I was doing all of this to clear the way and make sure that we were all on the same page.

Now, as we were walking towards the door, this guy decided that kicking my ass was only his option A.  Option B was going to be more graphic, more intense.  The guy said, "I am going to get outside and I am going to cut you up."

2 doormen get outside first and post up.  I continue outside with the guy and urge him to just move along.  Instead, he drops his shit and reaches for his back right pocket.  I thought to myself, "Son of a bitch!  This idiot is going to try to cut me."  Just as I was about to ask my doormen what he was reaching for, and one guy said "He's got something in his hand."  

Now, we've upped the ante.  This guy is posturing like he is a knife fighter and I am standing in front of him.  The thought of getting stabbed didn't seem like a great thing to me, so I told the doorman, "If he pulls this thing, were going to jump on him."

I tell the guy, "Do yourself a favor and just go.  You might stab one of us, but you'll never get us all.  Then you'll get your ass whipped real good and get to go to jail.  I'm doing you a favor.  Go away."

You could really feel the tension!  This guy was looking pretty serious and anxious at the same time.  I was waiting for him to make a move and I was going to let him have it.  All of a sudden my doorman laughs and says, "You're okay boss.  No way you can get hurt'' and he starts to walk away.  I said, "Hey, get over there.  Don't leave me hanging."  He said, "Nope, you're good.  No way you can get hurt."  The other doorman says, "You're shitting me."  He starts to laugh and all the while my little friend is getting more and more agitated.  

The second doorman says, "You've got this guy, boss.  I'm going in."  Both doormen are laughing, now.  I said, "What's he got?"  As soon as I said that, the guy pulls his weapon and both doormen say at the same time, "It's a pizza cutter...."  

Sure as shit, it was a pizza cutter.  I grabbed the pizza cutter out of the guys hand and threw it in the street.  I grabbed his bag and threw it in the street too.  I told the guy, "Are you out of your mind, pulling a pizza cutter?  You could have gotten yourself killed.  Get your ass out of here and take that shitty pizza cutter with you."

I walked back in the bar and the whole staff was laughing.  A pizza cutter.... that was a first.  We joked about it forever.  I had forgotten about it until the other day.  

Oh well, we all went on to live happy lives without getting shredded by the pizza cutter guy.  Not sure what happened to him though.  He probably drowned on his own spit.

Getting Older

 

Good Morning and Happy whatever day it is... Monday, I reckon.  I hope everyone had a great weekend and is ready to tackle this work week.  I am about half prepared for it.  This particular morning was kind of busy for me and that is a good thing.  I like coming to work and having a list of things to do and get them knocked out handily.

Anyhow, I had a bit of alone time this weekend.  When I get that, I get the opportunity to think about a lot of things.  This weekend, it was about getting older.  There are signs now that weren't there in my 30's and most of my 40's.  Most are little things, but that doesn't mean they aren't important.

I used to have a memory.  I could remember everything.  This isn't the case any longer.  For instance, I was hanging some cabinets in the garage this weekend and I lost my tape measure.  (For the record, I think I have 5, but I found one and chose to use that one.)  So yeah, I just lost that bastard and spent the better part of an hour looking for it.  I never left the garage, so I knew it was in there.  At about the end of an hour looking for it, I sat down to retrace my steps.  I felt something in my hip pocket....  You guessed it.  Tape measure.

I can walk into a room and forget why I walked in there.  I can go to the store for one item and then come home with 4 items not including the item I went to the store for.  This can potentially be a game of Russian Roulette if it was the wife that sent me to the store for  laundry detergent and I come home with a new pair of pliers, beer, The National Enquirer and butter.  

These aren't even the things that are starting to worry me.  Pain, just random pain.  In my 20's, nothing hurt, ever.  Rub some dirt on it and walk it off.  In my 30's, my ego was still just large enough that I wouldn't let any pain get me down.  In my early 40's, I started to have a couple "What in the hell is that and why does it hurt" minutes, but they too were fleeting.

Now I am in my mid 50's.  I can (and have) blown my back out sneezing.  I held a cough in and passed out, hitting my head on the toilet (and breaking it) and got a grade 3 concussion... from holding a cough in?  Yeah, that shit is a thing now!  My hands... bastards hurt every day.  They don't look like they hurt.  In fact, if it weren't for the age spots, they look like they are my 30 year old hands.

I'm not as strong as I used to be.  I am far less tolerant of bullshit.  I am way more cynical than I thought I'd be.  I guess paying attention did that.  I can still pay attention, I think.  I'm not as "peopley" as I used to be.  The bar business cured me of that.  Being in a crowd is no longer something I am fond of.  Hate it in fact.  

(Side story)  Back when I was in the bar business, I had one of my doormen walk up to me and say, "Hey boss man, a couple of dudes followed an old guy down stairs and I think there is going to be a problem."  I asked, "How old is the old dude?"  Doorman said, "Like 35 or some shit."  I looked at him and said, "Jack ass!  How old do you think I am?"  He said, "Uhm, I don't know."  I replied, "36 years old and lets go get these guys."  

To his credit, there was a problem.  Turned out that the old guy kicked the shit out of the 2 other guys and we just had to get the ass whooping stopped.  We did.  And for the rest of this door mans employment, I kept reminding him about how old and fragile I was...  JM, if you're reading this, perhaps you can tell the story differently.

Back to what bothers me.  My health is okay but there have been some changes.  Like I mentioned, the memory stuff.  That's actually a blessing in some regards.  Some shit happens that I wish I could forget and sometimes I do.  That is helpful.  

Do you know what is not helpful?  I can sit on my balls now.  Oh yeah, and without warning.  Just plop down and the package is out of whack and I get to sit on one of both of my balls.  Seriously, I thought that was about the end of the line.  Now I have to be mindful as I sit????  Yes, yes I do.

Speaking of balls, why are they so long now?  They used to be in a useful pouch, hanging out where they should, never in the way.  When a 56 year old man goes to sit upon the throne, he has to evaluate the lack of elasticity and the length of the package.  Sometimes, they are going to get wet and the feeling of that is alarming!  Toilet water should never touch them.  Never, but it happens now.  Not on the regular, mind you.  Just enough to keep you guessing and wanting to learn some sailors knots to tie em up and keep em out of the water.

The strength of my gut is the biggest issue.  It used to be, if I had to eat the ass out of a dead skunk, I could do it.  Cast iron stomach.  Nothing affected it except too my whiskey, and you always bounced back after a good puke.  No, this is quite a bit different.

I've always had excellent control of my guts.  I used to think, "Well, I'd better go poop in an hour or so."  Yeah, I could hold a poop for a more reasonable amount of time.  You know, Like on a road trip and you see the "Next Services/Rest Area 30 miles".  Never, ever was an issue.  I could hold it until it was time to release the beast, drop the kids off at the pool or whatever you call it.

Now I have to be cautions about a fart.  Farts used to be funny and now all of a sudden they are serious business!  You totally can fart and shit your pants.  I didn't know that.  I heard stories, but I thought that was people just trying to be funny.  No sir, its a thing.  Sooner or later, you are going to muscle down and try to fart and you are going to royally shit your pants.  Trust me.  It'll happen.

I had a shart experience not too long ago.  Embarrassed?  Hell yeah I was embarrassed and there was nobody around!  Nobody, and you wouldn't even know about it if I hadn't brought it up!  I'm only doing this as a public service announcement.  Your day is coming...  You be sitting there and feel the urge to "blow off a little steam".  It will then hit you that this could be the funniest fart of your life, so you bear down, knuckle up and let her rip!  BLAM!!!!  Shit your pants!!!!  Just like that.  A flash back to your diaper days and you weren't even trying to shit your pants.  It just happened.  Never used to, but now its possible.

I shit my pants so hard that I almost had to enter the Shitness Protection Program.  I mean, I looked into it and had there been a witness or two, the Shitness Protection Program would have been my only hope.

I don't know.  I'm glad that I am getting older.  I made it through my teens when a stiff breeze made me get a boner.  I'll probably get through this too.  And for the record, the phone number to the Shitness Protection Program is 1-800- I SHIT EM.  

You're going to want to keep that number handy.  Put it on your phone, write it on the back of your hand or remember it.

Please take care of yourselves and never trust a fart.  Never.