An American's Call to Action....

"20 Weird Things About America That American's Don't Realize Are Weird" was a piece written from a foreigner that apparently finds Americans and the things we do, weird.  My friend Dorothy brought this to my attention and I am honored that she thought I was the right man to address this, speaking for all American's.

I am going to list everything in this list and address them as I go.  I hope everyone finds my reaction to each item appropriate.

1.  "Portion sizes"
     You've got a problem with our portion sizes?  Are they too big?  Too gluttonous?  Piss off!  Most
      of us are fortunate enough in this country that we don't have to survive on one snail or one crepe.
     Better than that, if you are a decent person in this country and not a dick head, we'd probably
     invite you over to eat.... if you were not a judgemental dick head.  You are.  Piss off!

2. " Flags everywhere"
     You're God damned right.  We fly our flags in solidarity.  We are a nation, together, and we don't
     hide our national pride from anyone.  Listen up...  When something goes wrong in your country,
     you call upon America or the U.N. (which is largely funded by guess who?  That's right jack ass.
     America!)  Why don't you get together as a country?  Why don't you find something to be proud
     of?  Why don't you grow a pair and stand up for something other than try to pick on someone who
     is capable of removing your country from the map?  Don't worry, though.  We typically don't do
     that, but I will ask you to review WWII and the outcome.  Seems like we get shit handled.

3.  "Price tags without tax included.  How do you know how much you're spending until you get to the
     cash register?"
     It's called math, jack ass.  Any American smarter than celery knows basic math or has the ability
     to do an estimate.  Normally we are really close with our estimates because of simple math theory.
     This is further proof that we are not as stupid as you think we are.  You're complaining.  We aren't.
     While you're at it, piss off!

4.  "Tipping:  It was incredibly hard for me to wrap my head around how much is appropriate for the
     service."
     Again, dunce.  Simple math and we couldn't really expect you to actually have to think for
     yourself.  Let us do it for you.  In a restaurant, go 20% or go home.  And if you're going home, do
     it fast.  If you can't figure out 20%, leave a minimum of a $20 bill.  If your total bill is $147 (with
     tax, you pussy), move the decimal point on position to the left then multiply by 2.  Simple
     enough?  Sure it is and that's why you can't handle it.  You expect to be told what to do at home
     and you really don't deserve the freedom to think on your own.  And, piss off!

5.  "Advertising prescription drugs"
     We do this for 2 reasons.  To aggravate you and to irritate you.  We also know how to operate
     the t.v. and its volume control.  If we don't want to listen to it, we turn it down.  Again, it's
     about choices here and we can't expect you to understand.  You are told what to do, when to do
     it and to be happy about it.  You are, and you're an idiot for it.  Grow a pair, think for yourself and
     piss off!

6. " Everything being designed around cars"
     What does that mean?  Do you think we design dirt roads for pick up trucks and S.U.V's?  We do,
     and it keeps your dumb ass Renault the hell out of our way.  Do we design long straight away's so
     we can open up the throttle a little?  You're damned right.  Germans have the Autobahn and you're
     not complaining about that.... is that left over fear of Hitler?  Pussy....

7.  "The sheer amount of commercials on t.v"
     You know what?  You got me on that one, but this too is a simple concept.  We have a consumer
     based economy and we understand that.  Big companies with big products advertise the shit out
     of that.  When your dumb ass shows up, we feel obligated to show you what product is probably
     a better option because we know you aren't smart enough to figure out how to tip.  We're doing
     you a favor, you ungrateful shit.  Get with the program, figure out the volume control button on
     the remote control and shut your escargot hole!  Got it?

8.  "Aerosol cheese "that shit looks like cancer"
     Its almost a delicacy here.  If you don't like it, don't eat it!  Whats the matter with you idiots?
     Nobody is making you eat anything here.  You can choose and what do you choose?  To complain,
     just like a sissy.  Quit eating bugs and live a little.  Put that shit on a cracker and chew it up.
     Piss off, commie!

9. " A visiting Italian friend was puzzled at the American's use of the phrase, "Oh really?"  "The guy
     was red in the face because he thought everyone in the group was challenging everything he said."
     This is going to be difficult for you to grasp, but we might not have been able to get around your
     stupid accent or, sometimes we question some of the shit that is said and need to hear something
     to back up some claims.  You talk through your ass all of the time, and every query above kind of
     proves that.  There is a good possibility that we just don't believe you, nor do we trust you.  You
     say and do shit as a country that gets your collective asses in trouble, and when that happens you
     call upon us Americans to bail your ass out.  What we are trying to do is see if this is a worthy
      cause.  It's normally not, but we defend your honor anyhow, because you can't do it yourself.  Do
     you feel more like a sissy now for all of your complaining?  That's how you look to us....

10.  "Your toilets are too low to the ground and you have massive gaps around the door so people can
       see in."
       You're taking a dump, you idiot.  Nobody want's to watch you take a dump, you fecophiliac.  Go
       to the bathroom and get your ass out of our toilet you lazy sick bastards.  Eat more meat and
       you'd have the strength and muscle structure to stand up.  And to think you call us lazy?  You're a
       pussy.  Quit complaining about us and start complaining about being a pussy.  We'd understand
       that about you.

11.  "Pickles.  You guys give a pickle with everything"
       No we don't you lying sack of shit!  Cereal?  Nope.  Spaghetti?  Nope.  An omelette?  Never.
       The list goes on, and as usual, you are wrong.  You're not smart enough to realize that, but we do
       and it at least partially explains why we kind of don't like you.  Lying sucks and most of us hate
       liars, so perhaps now you'll understand why we want you to spend your money as fast as you can
       here and then leave faster than you got here.  No big deal.  Now piss off!

12.  "I find it kind of weird that college football players are considered athletes."
       We find it weird that you don't.  Ones athletic prowess is celebrated here.  We brag brag about
       that shit and it gives us something to argue about with friends.  No, I don't expect you to
       understand that, because you don't have any friends.  If you weren't so conceited, someone might
       want to hang out with your ass, but you are too opinionated, you serve shitty food, you lie out
       your ass, you smell bad and you really don't know shit about shit.  Nobody likes you, even your
       own people.  Don't fool yourself.  You're a douche, and we'll be happy to point that fact out.

13.  "Jay walking is a crime"
       So is a lot of other things.  It's a crime only because we are trying to not allow dumb asses the
       opportunity to step into traffic and end it all.  I don't know why we give a shit really, unless it
       has to do with that dumb ass comment you made about our cars.  We don't want to fuck our cars
       up on some ass hat that doesn't have the common sense to use a crosswalk or not step out into
       traffic!  Did I clear that one up for you, jack ass?

14.  "Why is bread in the USA so sweet?  It tastes like cake."
        Have you ever had cake?  How about we punch you in the eye every time you eat bread here?
        I find it ridiculous that you would be offended by bread, so a good stiff jab in the eye or throat
        would give you something to complain about.  You'd have it coming, but that punch in the eye
        or throat would be worthy of a complaint, not the bread.... you pussy!

15.  "Soft drink is free flowing everywhere"
       Go to New York.  Those pussies are trying to regulate everything.  You'd fit in good there, if
       a New Yorker with his salt would not just go ahead and beat your complaining ass!  Have a Coke
       and a smile and shut the fuck up.

16.  "You're all so loud, but friendly."
       Only a foreigner would complain about someone being friendly.  Go home, do it now.  We don't
       appreciate your condescending attitude.  The reason we are loud is to drown out your dumb ass
       accents and opinions.  We don't even really like the different accents present in our own country.
       We make fun of each other all of the time.  We even sometimes kill one another, but its because
       we love one another, so fucking much!  It's all about love here, so piss off.

17.  "There's so much water in your toilet bowls"
       Is that even a valid complaint?  If you think it is, I'll offer you this.  We don't like skid marks in
       the toilet.  Sometimes it does aggravate us when that one little drop of water jumps up and hits
       our squeeker hole when we drop a deuce, but that beats the brown swirly mark in the bottom of
      the shitter.  Understood, dumby?

18.  "A very blase` approach to credit card security.  Nobody uses a pin"
       You're lying again.  This is why we hate you and are superior to you in every fashion.

19.  "The Pledge of Allegiance is creepy"
      Say that out loud amongst any Service member or most any American and you'll get your ass
      whooped!  While I'm at it, fuck you!  Next!!!

20.  "Lawyer advertisements everywhere".
       Not everywhere.  I live in a town where there are none.  I guess you don't really mean
       "everywhere", and that "everywhere" is just a figure of speech.  So's this... Fuck off!


Maybe I'm old fashioned or maybe I have no tolerance for a group of assholes that complain all of the time about our country, and they can't wait to come visit.  They can't wait to come to this country and see how the real world lives.  Absolutely America has its faults and some of it starts by letting in anyone who is going to complain about the volume of water in our toilets.

In closing I would like to add the following.  No, I am not necessarily interested in doing any foreign affairs work but it is a discussion that I would entertain, if the money were good.  And if you foreigners don't like that?  Suck it.