More Dear Bubba....

For some reason, some people keep asking me for advice regarding their lives.  Silly, isn't it?  Well, I feel obligated to pass on some semi-not so sound information in an attempt to help some good folks out.  The following are a few recent questions and the best advice I could muster.

May 6, 2014
Dear Bubba,

I am the mother of a boy who is 8 years old.  He has expressed interest in becoming involved with team sports.  My husband and I have discussed this at great lengths and we are at a stand still, so I come to you with this problem.

My son is uncoordinated.  He cannot run, throw a baseball or football, swing a bat or shoot baskets.  The last time he tried to swing a tennis racket, he gave himself a concussion.  The boy has to take a shower because he would drown in a bath tub.  So Bubba, what sport should we get him started in?

Hopeful in Kansas


Dear Hopeful in Kansas,

Spelling.  Get the kid involved in spelling or reading, but be sure you buy his dumb ass a helmet.

Love,
Bubba 


May 5th, 2014

Dear Bubba,

My girlfriend and I just moved in together.  We've been a couple for 2.5 years and our relationship is really strong.  In fact, we've discussed the possibility of getting married, but its not a subject we talk about at much length. 

Anyhow, we moved in to this real nice apartment and repainted and redecorated the entire place.  We discussed everything we did pertaining to the type of furniture, paint colors and schemes and the likes.  Right now we are in the middle of a big argument over what kind of a pet we should get.  I want a dog, she wants a cat so what should we do? 

Thanks in advance
Dog guy


Dear Dog Guy,

Get a ferret.  They are obnoxious.  They will piss on everything, ruin all of the hard work you spent on painting the joint.  By the time the ferret destroys your apartment, you'll realize that it would have been far easier to just let your old lady have a damned cat.  (By the way, there is a 50/50 chance that the cat too will piss on everything and that may bring the old lady around to your way of thinking!)

  Pretty smart, eh?  The problem with that is, if you get a puppy, he is likely to piss on everything, leave little doggie bombs in some very conspicuous and strategically placed locations and then you'll think you should have purchased a hamster.  By the time you purchase a hamster and all of the shit that goes with a hamster, (cage, that little squeeky wheel, tubes for him to run around in, that dumb ball where you can turn him loose on the carpet, wood chips, water bottle, etc) you'll decide that a hamster is a pretty dumb pet and you will probably start to think about birds.  Birds are cool, but they are loud and they fly.  Unless your apartment is as big as the outside, another dumb idea which may bring you around to the idea of a hermit crab.  If you choose a crab as a pet, you are an idiot.  Crabs don't really do anything so whats the use.

Buy a plant, dude.  You still have to pay it attention, get it water, perhaps feed it but they normally don't screw up a good paint job unless your girlfriend throws it at you..  As well, they are pretty cheap and you can use all of the left over money to buy your girl a big ass diamond.

Simple rule Jerky.  "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  Take that information and do with it what you want.  If you can't figure out a pet, you won't figure out being married.  Start hanging out at a strip club.  Hookers don't care about any of that stuff.

Love,
Bubba


May 5th, 2014

Dear Bubba,

Man, everything in my life right now is going absolutely great!  I've got a smoking hot wife, a new Corvette, a great job, incredible friends, a ton of money and I am on this super long streak of good luck.  I am wondering if you know what it is that could possibly screw all of this up?

Sincerely,
Lucky


Dear Lucky,

Look at you with all of this good shit happening!  That's awesome, dude!  "Do I know what could possibly screw up your run of good luck?"  Damned right I do!  Talking to me!!!! 

Don't you ever come to me when shit is all going right!

Screw you,
Bubba


May 4th, 2014

Dear Bubba,

I have this horrible fear that whenever I go out to eat, I fear someone is spitting in my food.  Is this rational?

Scaredy Cat


Dear Scaredy Cat,

Don't fear people spitting in your food.  Just know that it is happening and remember not to chew those big loogies... swallow em like an oyster... with some hot sauce.

Love,
Bubba