This is a subject that I enjoy talking about. A lot of people are against the police and sheriff's departments use and possession of tasers. At the time, I had no real opinion of the use of them. Everyone wants less lethal, and its obvious that a taser is potentially a lot less lethal than a .40 caliber slug to center mass. But with that, there have been some deaths that people try to attach to the use of a taser.
As the story goes, I was taking a course for my concealed weapons permit. This course covered a lot of ground but was based mostly on being able to protect yourself, safe gun ownership and handling as well as safe operation of a hand gun. Some of what was covered was "less lethal" alternatives in regards to personal/home defense.
We had multiple instructors that were all involved in various factions of law enforcement, and the majority of them were people I knew personally. I considered these people friends and still do today and question my sanity when I say that.
One of the first things we went over were "hand to hand combat techniques". I took a lot of self defense as a kid and learned a lot more through my years in the bar business so I figured I'd be proficient in this field. Some of the techniques were new to me, so I felt good about the money I spent for the course. (The one field I thought I "knew it all" actually provided me with a few new tools for my repertoire.)
The next "less lethal" alternative we went over was O.C spray. Bear spray or pepper spray is the same thing. So the instructor, who was a friend of mine had the entire class step outside in the fresh early fall air to give us a little dose of the stuff. There I am standing on the end of the horse shoe shaped line, arms folded, minding my own business listening to a friend who was going to gas my sorry ass, thinking about the fact that I basically paid for this. (This is the type of shit that is funny to me.) So as this cop friend of mine gives his speech on the subject, he pulls out his can of O.C. spray, gives it a thorough shake and commences to spray the surrounding crowd. People start hacking, coughing and complaining about the "burn". The instructor himself got caught in the cross wind and was having a rough go with the stuff, but another guy and myself on the end are just watching everyone and laughing about it. Guess what? Wrong move.... he and I took a direct shot of the shit and I can tell you first hand that getting gassed was one of the worst physical experiences of my life. (Right under getting my pecker caught in my pants zipper as a kid.) Now I am laughing, coughing and completely blinded. I have snot dripping out of my nose by about a foot and all I can hear is the other guy complaining. In the mean time, the others made their way inside to get cleaned up a bit and a few of them came out to get me and the other guy. I guess we were put on simmer for a few minutes. Point well taken, Mr. John.
We gathered back inside the classroom and talked about the experience and discussed the practical application of this tool in our home/personal protection bag of tricks. I recommend the products use. It is effective. As the conversation closed we were told that we would go over the use of a taser during the next class. We were also told that someone would be "riding the lightning". As usual, I laughed it off.
Unbeknownst to me, the taser instructor was a friend of mine. The guy who got me into the class was a good friend of mine who took it upon himself to offer me and my body up to science since nobody else stepped up. I didn't know this until the day before the class. And its like this.... how do you prepare for something that you know very little about? Well, you don't but your anxiety goes to work pretty quick. Now... me being the over achiever I often try to be, I show up for class about 20 minutes early. As I am standing outside the classroom, here comes my buddy who is going to sometime in the next 2 hours is going to shock the ever loving shit out of me. "Ready to ride the lightening!" he says with great enthusiasm. "Yeah, I guess I am." I replied wondering what in the hell I was doing.
This deputy goes about explaining what is going to happen and told me that I would want to wear a different shirt. I was wearing a nice work shirt and the taser was going to fire 2 barbs (like fish hooks) into the shirt and my back and it would probably ruin the shirt. I expressed the fact that I didn't have an extra shirt almost hoping that he'd ride the lightening for me, but I was almost psyched up to give it a go. Sensing that, he said he could "hook me up to banana clips, but the problem with those is that they traditionally leave a good burn or blisters". At this point, I am getting fired up. "I don't care about a little burn of blister." I said with a bit of enthusiasm. "How long you want to ride it for?" he says. He told me that he and my other friend rode it for a few seconds, so I wanted to up the ante and go for the full 5 second burst. (That was a dumb ass idea but I was going to go though with it anyhow.)
Ben gives me a good pep talk doing his best to play the situation down. "It's not that bad" he says, but in the mean time I am replaying COPS episodes through my head, watching dudes a lot bigger than me getting tased and eating shit..... We open the classroom, I take a seat and the group starts to assemble. Another cop that I didn't know so well gave me "props" for stepping up, so again I am feeling a little better about the thing.
No sooner do we have the last ass in a seat, Ben says "Come on up Brice". Panic sets it. I'm thinking "isn't there some kind of a lead in, an introduction, something else that needs to be said before you electrocute me and make me shit my pants in front of everyone.'' Turns out, there wasn't. Ben grabs me by the shoulders and turns me so I am facing the crowd. He explains that the barbs that normally fire from the taser would ruin my shirt so he is hooking me up to the banana clips. Someone in the group asks, "whats the difference?". "He's liable to have a couple of burn blisters compared to a couple of small holes in his back and shirt."
I scan the crowd. A psychiatrist that I had been partnered up with is kind of laughing, shaking his head. A woman is asking "why are we doing this" and I can't tell you that I wasn't asking the same question. All of the "tough guys" are looking at me like I was crazy. All I can think about is how much am I going to shit my pants..... Ben asks one of the bigger guys in class to come up and grab one of my arms and another cop grabs the other. Apparently this was to save my beautiful face.... Ben says, "On 3, 2, 1....." and the fucking thing happens! Through the tightest gritted teeth I scream "FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCK". It felt like Tommy Lee from Motley Crue was using ball peen hammers to do a drum solo on the back of my head. It stops.... I realize that the pain is gone. I also realize that I did not shit my pants, much to my relief. Ironically, something so painful, something I had no control over was over and I had no ill affects!
Ben asks, "Are you all right?" I sat up on my knees and nodded, not because I couldn't speak but because I didn't think anything else needed to be said. I managed to say "Yeah" and then the tough guys wanted to give it a go. Yeah sure! Put the old fat fucker up there, and if he doesn't die I'll give a whack at it.....
The deal is, when it is over, its over. I could have done push ups, ran around the room, did jumping jacks. It was over, done! And with this knowledge of this product, I completely endorse its use. As well, if you ever think about giving it a go, do it. It's enlightening, we'll say. It does give you a perspective that you would not have unless you underwent a tasing.
Am I going to do it again? Not only no, but fuck no! I spent a life time keeping my ass out of the position of having this happen. Been there and done that! Knock that shit off the bucket list. Maybe I'll try a sodoku or something.
