December Hate Thing, day 24

Elves, trolls and midgets.  I hate them all, except "Key Hole".  Key Hole was a pretty cool midget guy I met while in the bar business.  In the 18.5 years I was in the bar business I saw a lot of things.  A lot of those things I saw more than once.  Almost always they were the things that you didn't want to see in the first place. 

As I mentioned, Key Hole was a midget.  (Am I over referencing that fact?)  Part of what was cool about him was, he knew it  and he introduced himself to me that way.  I mean, it was obvious that he was a midget, but this guy had this enthusiasm.  He had this positive energy about him.  Maybe he was a "biker Budda" or something, but this guy was having a blast and everyone around him was too. 

So it's busy as hell, and here is this midget biker walking about the place acting as the biker's ambassador.  He was walking around, shaking hands, giving information (on what, I don't know) and telling jokes.  Everybody was loving this guy!  One of my doormen stepped up and asked me, "have you met the midget dude yet?"  I hadn't, but that would change.

Tills are ringing, whiskey's slinging and everyone is working their tails off.  I am standing at the back stairs and here he comes.  "God damn, you're a pretty good sized old feller, ain't ya?" he says to me half laughing.  I answered "Yeah, pretty good sized."  "Key Hole is what they call me." he replied.  I answered, "Key Hole, Brice Dudley...glad to meet you." and I shook his small, thick, weird hand.  "What do you do here Brice, beat fuckers up?'' he said with a big smile on his face.  "Believe it or not Key Hole, I manage the bar."  I said.  "Shit, so you're kind of like the club diplomat or something?" he asked.  ''Yeah, I reckon I am, Key Hole."  Key Hole shook his head and followed up with this.  "You look like a funny guy, Brice.  Not funny, but you look like you have a sense of humor.  Is that true."  "I'd like to think I do Key Hole, but I don't always look like I am having a blast while I am working.  I guess its a fault or something." I said.  Key Hole said...."I have to pee,  is the pisser down stairs."  I nodded yeah and smiled because there were two signs right near me that clearly stated that.  Key Hole said, "Ill be right back."

At this point, I couldn't figure out if Key Hole was getting on my nerves or if he and I could get along.  I'd never encountered a half hyper, all the way happy midget before so I was doing all I could to figure out what would happen next.  I had the feeling that he was probably a good guy.

A couple of minutes later, old Key Hole comes bounding up the steps (about as good as a midget could bound) and he had this big smile on his face.  "I'm only going to be here about 15 to 20 more minutes, Brice" Key Hole said, "but if I tell you a joke and it at least makes you smile, will you buy me a beer?"  Now, I am smiling on the inside because I am talking to a midget.  "I'll buy you a beer if you make me smile" I promised.

Key Hole claps his hands, steadies himself like he is going to try to jump up kiss me and says, "Whats better than kicking a midget?"  I chuckled and smiled.  He won...  I just shook my head.  Key Hole said, "Nothing fucker!  Bud light please."  That shit was funny, especially coming from him! Oh, and I bought him a Bud Light.

I hate elves, trolls and midgets... except Key Hole.

December Hate Thing, day 23..... The Federal Reserve...

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Federal Reserve, happy birthday to you.   Today is the 100 year anniversary of the Federal Reserve!!!!  How exciting!!!  It's almost kind of like Independence Day... well, that isn't exactly true.  Actually, if you ask me?  This isn't anything to be that joyous about.  We have President Woodrow Wilson to thank for this debacle and I'd like to point something out really fast before I go and piss myself off talking about this shit. 

What I'd like to point out is, if you operate under a bad money idea for 100 years, you get exactly what we have today!  Isn't that great?  You're right.  No, it sucks a big one and I wanted to point this out too.  "The Fed" will say that it is a separate entity from the Federal Government until it gets in trouble.  Then, the 2 are synonymous.  Yeah, you're right to not get too excited about that shit either.

All right kids!  Put your reading helmet on and watch me try to limp through all of the bullshit I learned about the Fed.  It's okay if you get lost.  In fact, I think that is how the thing was meant to be.  Keep us all guessing and we won't be able to pin anything down.

So here we go, kids.  The Federal Reserve is kind of like the gate keeper of the national economy.  Its the nations main bank. Essentially, it is every banks bank, and it is where money is generated.  The Fed can affect the economy by raising or lowering the national interest rates or by printing or making more money which in turn devalues the dollar even further.  All of this also affects things like the employment rates and manufacturing to some extent.  You know what?  Check out the following link.  Its 3 minutes of your time, then get back to me on here....  Go ahead!  Watch the thing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP9H5fADC0E

So if you tuned into the link, some of the most critical information, I believe, is right up front.  Basically the government makes a "note" and gives it to the Fed, the Fed prints money, takes profits right off the top, has other banks loan it out, takes money in interest from that and it keeps going and going!

Now, I am trying to wrap my head around this shit. I am by no means any kind of an expert and I hope most of you are miles down the road towards understanding this than I am....  but we ask the Fed to make money, tell them we will pay them interest on that money.  From my standpoint.... the nation has no money.  (Debt and deficit come into play a little bit.)  So we need more.  The Fed prints up more money, we go further in debt and we need the Fed to get to work again.  See?  It's cyclical and as long as we keep taking loans out on money there isn't any sign of, we keep devaluing the dollar and go further and further in the hole.

Isn't that a great program?  We keep doing the same thing and we keep getting the same results... fucking brilliant, right?  So why don't we change this?  Seriously... I'm asking, why don't we change this?  One could only guess but on one level this feeds into the 'one world government' conspiracy.  We'll need someone with some real money to come and bail our asses out of trouble, and the next thing you know America is riding "bitch" in a small import truck.

If the government wanted, it could pay this debt off by printing all of the money to do that.  The current system won't allow that because the government doesn't issue money... the Fed does.  Take a look at the following link.... then get back to me again.  This one requires some reading.

http://theeconomiccollapseblog.com/archives/11-reasons-why-the-federal-reserve-is-bad

The thing with this bullshit is, the more you read it makes you feel like you keep finding toe nails in your pizza!  It doesn't get any better as you read on.  It's kind of like government as a whole.  The more you learn the more you hope to high hell, you can forget.

In closing, President Woodrow Wilson gave the nation a kick ass case of financial herpes.  The son of a bitch looks like its getting better.... maybe... a little itch here and there, so no big deal. We put a bit of salve on it. Out of nowhere, FULL BLOWN BREAK OUT!!!!  Seeping blisters all over the national genitalia and its keeps spreading and spreading.  Pretty soon you've got it so bad, you can't sit down.

That is what we are experiencing today kids.  National Herpes!  Don't worry though.  That pervert Uncle Sam will help out somehow.

December Hate Thing, day 22.....

You know what I hate today?  Some of the super ignorant shit being said about the Phil Robertson situation.  I've listened to and have seen all of the news snippets.  I've heard people on social networking sites and the news saying some of the most ridiculous shit.  "His rights to free speech are being infringed upon!"  "Freedom of religion!!!!"


Cries like this are being made everywhere!  Sometimes this shit is being spewed by people I thought I admired. I'm questioning that now.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but nobody's rights regarding "free speech" are being infringed upon, people.... it's just not happening.  The stuff that Phil Robertson said is not against the law.  He can say that shit 100 more times and it still would not be against the law.  Nothing the man said is against the law!  Understand?

If you didn't fully grasp the above paragraph, let me try to further explain.  No laws were broken by what Phil Robertson said, so nobody's rights were infringed upon.  Look, A&E is a big company probably bigger than the outfits you or I work for.  When you go to work for an entertainment company like A&E, you sign a contract or a couple of contracts.  Within those contracts there is all kinds of legal speak.  Within that legal speak you will see things like "terms of employment", "termination clause", "no compete clause" and so on.  Within some of that, rest assured that there are a list of things that clearly state that you may or may not get terminated for.  If you break company code or policy, there are going to be some consequences.  Suspension and termination are also often mentioned within this part of the contract.  Big companies like A&E have lots of lawyers that cover all angles.  Phil signed a contract, apparently went against the grain as far as A&E was concerned and was let go.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction".  Is that Newton's law?  It's completely applicable in this case.  Nothing Phil said is illegal, but there are ramifications for everything we say and do.  If you were to walk up to Chuck Liddell and tell him that his brand of MMA is shit and he is a pussy.... I bet Chuck issues you a prompt and swift ass whipping.  (For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...)  Calling Chuck Liddell a pussy is not against the law, however it is... well... ill thought, and there will be consequences.

"What about "freedom of religion?"  Yeah, what about religion?  A&E is not telling Phil he cannot be a Christian.  A&E is not going after Phil because he is a Christian.  He was a Christian when they hired him.  They knew that.  They aren't stupid.  Phil is being excused, reprimanded, let go or fired because of a clause in his contract.  I'd bet it falls somewhere near "conduct detrimental to the company."  Phil is still a Christian and nobody, nobody is trying to change that.  You can't always run around and say everything you want without consequences.  You just can't and everyone needs to be at least that smart.

In closing I'd like to say that after reading all of the pieces that the news and social media are releasing and constantly playing on a loop, I am not offended by what Phil Robertson said.  I've watched some "special interest groups" do all they could to make this a real issue.  They've taken the things Phil said out of context, put their special twist on it and hoping and preying that it will receive momentum.  These groups are doing everything they can to make this a "gay" or "race" issue, and there are representatives from each group that are saying they didn't find it offensive!

We've got to get over ourselves.  We've got to quit taking offense to everything .

I hate that we as a nation are spending this much time scrutinizing something that a guy on a "reality show" said.  Are you kidding me? 

December Hate Thing, day 21....  Christianity....  I don't hate Christianity or Christians for that matter, but I do hate people who hide behind the veil of religion all the while living anything but a Godlike existence.  You've seen them.  You know them.  These are the people who run around saying all kinds of hateful shit about anyone they (or their assumed beliefs) deem necessary, and then claim to be Christian.  That bothers the ever loving shit out of me!

Furthermore, it drives me insane that some Christians feel "Christmas/Christianity is under attack" when someone pauses long enough to say "Happy Holidays".  I see this shit all of the time on social media and I used to hear it when I was in the bar business.  "It's Christmas, so get over it." is what some of them will say. It is Christmas, one damned day of the year!  Nobody is assaulting Christmas or Christianity when they tell you "Happy Holidays".

First off, its really fair to assume that they don't know if you are Christian or not.  Secondly, they've gone out of their way to be nice to you. These people have gone out of their way to be nice to you and you turn around and act shitty?  Way to go, Christians.  "Treat people the way you expect to be treated"... isn't that a strongly held belief within Christianity?  These people are being nice... these people are being friendly...  Your religion is not being bombarded by someone if they say "Happy Holidays".  It's just not, so get over yourselves and do the real Christian thing.  Realize someone is being nice and return the favor.  That's what this whole thing is about, and don't just do it on Christmas or the Holiday Season.  (There are a few other religions that celebrate this time of year... just a friendly reminder.)  Be NICE to everyone.



I used to have a friend who was a real a-hole.  (The guys dead now... how's that for a Godly experience?)  This guy was highly opinionated, mean, outspoken and thought that it was his job to make the world think like he did.  This guy also claimed to be a devout Christian/Catholic and almost everything he did said otherwise.  This old boy could not figure out why people treated him badly. He honestly thought the world was out to get him but was not wise enough to realize that it was him tightening the knot! When I took the time to tell him that he was an asshole, that he treated people like shit, that he didn't allow other people to have their own beliefs, he took offense to it.  (I was supposed to be his friend, so I was supposed to agree with him.)  I told this guy he needed to get some kind of help (he could have looked to the clergy) and told him that I was done talking to his ignorant ass until he did get help.

Guess what?  A year, year and a couple of months later the poor bastard died.  Yup, dead.  And since this has happened, I've heard other "Christians" say, "well your friend wasn't a true Christian" apparently in defense of their religion.  PEOPLE!!!!  Your religion needs no defense.  If your God is all you make him out to be, what is your ass doing defending him? He's God! Screw around and you're going to find your ass in a pinch with the O.G upstairs.

I don't want to sound like Rodney King and say "cant we all just get along" because that isn't going to happen.  Some people always feel they are being attacked.  But truthfully, isn't getting along at the very base of Christianity?  If you don't agree with someone or their actions, step away.  You don't have to be shitty to those people.

Anyways, Happy Holidays to all you sons a bitches.  I'm not a practicing Christian, but I don't spend time hating people I don't know.  Give it a whirl.  It will make you feel better not only this time of year, but always.

December Hate Thing, day 20.....

I hate parents of ugly kids who don't know their kid is ugly.  Yeah, that's a little harsh isn't it?  I wonder if I can clean that up a little bit.... Nope.  No I can't.  I want to, but I just can't.  These parents are the worst of all parents.  And I guess in the matter of all fairness, every parent thinks their child is beautiful.  Even if the kid looks like a burlap bag of dead cats that got dragged down 10 miles of rough road, mommy and daddy think their child is beautiful.

I've got to tell you.  Before the wife and I decided to have kids, I saw thousands of ugly ass little kids.  It really made me question the idea of having kids.  I mean, I love how my wife looks and love how she looked back then, but I had a mullet people.  Come on people.  That ain't ever been confused for a good look. (I did look better than anyone else with a mullet, mind you.)  Look.  I was starting to grow hair out of my ears.  You know that tuft of old man hair that grows out of the center of the ear?  I had that, plus I was growing hair out of the cartilage and even the back side of the ear!  I've got some jacked up eye brows (probably from getting punched in the eye... who would have thought that a lover like me might get punched) and my head is monolithic!  None of that screams good looking!  I owed it to myself, my wife and potential offspring to really think this one through.

We decide that having kids was for us, so we eventually get pregnant.  Through the entire duration of the pregnancy I begged God to not give me a kid with a big toe on his forehead.  The big day comes around and we are off to the hospital to induce labor.  I was ready for all of that.  We went to the classes, we saw the films (which by the way do nothing for the actual delivery), I mean... we were ready.  We were, except for that little thought in the back of my head... "Please do not give me a Basset Hound for a kid... with a big toe in the middle of his forehead."

Labor starts, and as per usual I am fucking everything up.  We tried to set up a peaceful delivery room with shit my wife liked and we brought some toys that were going to be the new baby's toys.  We had this little cow that mooed when you squeezed it.  Guess what?  Women don't want to hear that when their bodies are getting ready to pass a cantaloupe through a key hole.  In fact, that may have been the reason the wife was doing all she could to snap my fingers off during the contractions.  (I'd offer the whole hand to squeeze but she'd opt for the top two knuckles of every finger to twist and bend in directions they don't move.)  Even then, that was the least of my worries.

We only had a 50/50 chance of a regular looking kid, and that is a maybe at best.  The labor pains come and go.  I'm trying to help my wife, but that ain't working right.  "You want the little mooing cow right in your face, sweetheart?''.  Yeah, no... she didn't want it but for some dumb reason I kept offering.  Now the labor pains are stacked right on top of each other and in walks the doctor.  Shit just got real, yall!

I'm freaking out...  My ass is not qualified to be in that room right now.  I kept fucking up the labor process and now you want my ass in the delivery room during delivery?  "Bad news", I thought.  "I'll probably make the doctor drop the baby, ensuring some extra ugly."  The doctor tells my wife to "push", and then I hear "okay the head is out".  For some extra special dumb reason, I go for a peek.  All I could think when I saw that was, "well, there went the vagina".  This kids head was big so I immediately thought, "were off to a bad start here, honey".  I tried to keep a positive look on my face, while watching my wife go through the most painful thing in the world.  I tried to be encouraging.  I tried to say nice shit.  "The shoulders are clear, so one more push DeeDee" the doctor said and in an instant, there he was.  (He was supposed to be a girl by the way.)  His head was giant, but it was anatomically correct.  "Congratulations, you have a baby boy!"  My wife was elated... probably because she didn't have to deal with my stupid ass being a "labor coach" anymore.

The doctor asks me to cut the umbilical cord and I realize that my kid is my favorite color (kind of gray) and my least favorite texture... pasty.  "Is he okay?" I asked the doctor.  "He's perfect, now cut the cord and lets hand the baby to the nurses."  The baby was in the wife's hands and momma and baby were doing fine.

I was relieved.  I was relieved big time, because I didn't want to hate my wife and myself.

As it turns out, both my first and second kids are pretty good looking kids.  In fact, I think they are the best looking kids in the world.  Add to that fact that they are both extremely brilliant...  I am truly blessed!

December Hate Thing, day 19.....

Leg cramps!  Anyone around here like a good old fashioned, middle of the night, make you swear like a trucker, why does this shit have to happen to me, hall of fame leg cramp?  Naw.....  I had one this morning.  Lying there, completely asleep.... "Blam!", it hits you.  "Wake up, fucker!  Get your big ass up and limp this son of a bitch off and do it now!"

                                                          

I wake up in total panic mode, throw myself into a quasi slouched/upright position and yell "Oh my fuck..Jesus...god...leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp".  In the mean time, my wife wakes up because of all of the commotion and has this look of horror on her face.  (If I were actually playing a joke, I would have considered this look a victory and completely hysterical.)  This look puts me into a different gear.  "This shit must be gravely serious!  Look at the look on her face!" I think for a second and then remember I am in agony.




"Can I rub it?" she says.  I didn't answer that question immediately because I had to survey the entire situation.  Here I am jumping around, cussing, trying to stomp my foot flat.... so yeah I guess you could rub it.  I yell back.  "No, no, no, no... it isn't worth it... save yourself!"  (I don't know why I said that.  Its a leg cramp, not a missile strike.)  The wife then looks at me like, "What the fuck did you just say?" which further convolutes the situation.

Now I am pacing back and forth and the cramp seems to be going away.  I stop and rotate my foot clockwise and the cramp kicks back in, only for a second to remind me how dire this middle of the night leg cramp bullshit really is.  I realize that I am breathing again, so that's good.  With each breath I calm down a little further.

The wife is already back to sleep, apparently over my little dog and pony show.  I decide to give it a shot and lie down again.  As I lay down, I begin to think about a belief I have.  "Everything happens for a reason."  What is the reason for a leg cramp in the middle of the night?  To make me shit the bed?  I mean, that can't help anything.  Do leg cramps know you haven't been sleeping too good the previous 2-3 nights and don't want you to forget that?  Maybe a leg cramp is God's special way of reaching out and touching you because you drop too many F-Bombs.  I don't know.  I do know that I hate leg cramps though.


#bricedud
#jacksonhole