December Hate Thing, day 19.....

Leg cramps!  Anyone around here like a good old fashioned, middle of the night, make you swear like a trucker, why does this shit have to happen to me, hall of fame leg cramp?  Naw.....  I had one this morning.  Lying there, completely asleep.... "Blam!", it hits you.  "Wake up, fucker!  Get your big ass up and limp this son of a bitch off and do it now!"

                                                          

I wake up in total panic mode, throw myself into a quasi slouched/upright position and yell "Oh my fuck..Jesus...god...leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp".  In the mean time, my wife wakes up because of all of the commotion and has this look of horror on her face.  (If I were actually playing a joke, I would have considered this look a victory and completely hysterical.)  This look puts me into a different gear.  "This shit must be gravely serious!  Look at the look on her face!" I think for a second and then remember I am in agony.




"Can I rub it?" she says.  I didn't answer that question immediately because I had to survey the entire situation.  Here I am jumping around, cussing, trying to stomp my foot flat.... so yeah I guess you could rub it.  I yell back.  "No, no, no, no... it isn't worth it... save yourself!"  (I don't know why I said that.  Its a leg cramp, not a missile strike.)  The wife then looks at me like, "What the fuck did you just say?" which further convolutes the situation.

Now I am pacing back and forth and the cramp seems to be going away.  I stop and rotate my foot clockwise and the cramp kicks back in, only for a second to remind me how dire this middle of the night leg cramp bullshit really is.  I realize that I am breathing again, so that's good.  With each breath I calm down a little further.

The wife is already back to sleep, apparently over my little dog and pony show.  I decide to give it a shot and lie down again.  As I lay down, I begin to think about a belief I have.  "Everything happens for a reason."  What is the reason for a leg cramp in the middle of the night?  To make me shit the bed?  I mean, that can't help anything.  Do leg cramps know you haven't been sleeping too good the previous 2-3 nights and don't want you to forget that?  Maybe a leg cramp is God's special way of reaching out and touching you because you drop too many F-Bombs.  I don't know.  I do know that I hate leg cramps though.


#bricedud
#jacksonhole