Just a thought....

Have you ever walked into a room that smelled so bad that you had to fart to make it smell better?

(Just asking, people.  There will not be a quiz.)

 

December Hate Thing, Day 31....

Challenge accepted, goal accomplished!  31 different rants about things I "hate".  Can't believe I made it.  I really don't hate much, but I think I saved some goodies for this last, final, December Hate Thing. In the future,  I'm going to try to write once a week.  I want to put a little more thought into the things I write.  Maybe it will make for more entertaining reading.  Maybe it won't.

At this time, I'd like to thank everyone who read any of this shit, people who encouraged me to write and the people who thought I was a literary lead fart.  I averaged about 100 views a day on the blog.  Not to bad for a guy who placed 3rd in an essay contest for all 6th graders.  I'd like to thank my wife and kids.  Without them I wouldn't have had half of the stuff I ramble on about.  (Sounds like a fucking Grammy acceptance speech...)  Anyhow, seriously... thanks.

Turns out, I have a lot of shit I hate and I also have shit I love and hate at the same time.  I'm not exactly sure what that means, but hopefully I can clarify that in this last "December Hate Thing".

Do you know what I hate?  Do you know what I really hate?  I hate the anti-gun movement in this country.  I was born and raised in a house full of guns and none of those guns or the ones I possess today have committed 1 crime. There were 2 kids in that house and somehow, some way we survived.  I hate that these people are using what looks to be a lot of mentally ill people to further their agenda.  When planes hit the Twin Towers, we didn't blame the planes.  When someone gets shot, some of us blame guns.....  This shit is about placing accountability where it belongs and leave it there! This is a human issue!  A gun is nothing more than a object when left alone.  It can't do a thing.  What pisses me off more than that is, too many people who are anti gun don't know a fucking thing about guns!  They don't care to get a proper education on the subject because it will most likely change all of the bullshit canned propaganda they've been fed all along.

 

You're allowed to not like guns.  I respect that because guns are certainly not for everyone.  If you don't like guns, don't own one.  It's simple.

You know what else I really hate?  Bigots....oh I hate bigots!  Just how in the fuck do you go around hating people you've never met?  I hate that a lot of bigots hide behind religion to express their bigotry.  Those are some extra special assholes with extra sauce.  You're a giant asshole to say anything hurtful to anybody.  This doesn't have a God damned thing to do with Phil Robertson either.  He isn't using his religion as a shield.  Gay, straight, black, white, religious, not so religious, etc... it doesn't matter to me.  I pretty much like everyone, unless I meet you and determine you are an asshole.  Then, you're on your own.  Quit being hurtful to people you don't know.....  Oh, while I am on the subject.... anyone standing up for their cause, using their own voices to make a stand.... don't try to jam words in my mouth.  Quit trying to be "hard core".  Relax, act right and maybe some other people will take you more serious.

                                                           


Guess what else I really hate?  People who don't know how to park their shitty cars!  I can't stand that shit.  Ill start with the assholes who park in the handicapped spots.  You lazy piece of shit!  Get your ass out in the parking lot with the rest of the people!  You're not special.  You're an asshole and I don't really think I need to meet you to determine that.  You just pulled a dick move.  It's all I need.  Moving on...... for the people who don't have the skills to park a car properly.... parking is part of driving.  If you can not park a car, you should no be able to drive a car.  See, you fuck things up for the rest of us.  You park on bad angles and take 2 spaces and make it difficult for the cars on either side of you to move.  Then there's this, and its a simple concept... if you cannot parallel park, don't choose a busy street to get some practice.  (Like the Jackson Town Square on 4th of July.)  You already know you suck at it!  Give it up, drive your sorry ass around the block and find somewhere else to stop that hunk of shit you're driving. Is that simple enough?  You can't do it, so you don't do it....  got it?  If not, go turn in your license.

         (Yeah, just put it there you jackass!)

Here's another thing I hate.  I hate when someone who goes out, buys a brand new diesel truck then complains about the price of diesel!  Are you shitting me?  You knew what that shit cost when you bought that $65,000 King Ranch pick 'em up truck.  Nobody snuck that shit in on you!  Diesel has been higher than gasoline for a long time!  You had to know.  If you didn't know, you're an asshole.

One of my all time favorites... Customer service....  Some people are not meant to be in this line of work and it seems like I run into them all of the time.  Not too long ago, I was trying to return something that I had purchased.  The item basically fell apart before I could use it.  So I walk into the store and was promptly greeted.  I told the young man that I was here to return this item and I needed to know where to go to get this taken care of.  He pointed to the counter and said "Ill grab the manager, sir.  Be right back."  There I am, all by my lonesome... not another soul to be seen.  After nearly 10 minutes, I decided I would go find the manager on my own.  Harder than I thought it turned out but I ran into someone who said they could help me. I was elated!  We walk back to the counter and the person says, "How can I help you?".  I thought I was in a time warp... "Didn't I just ask you to find me some help for a refund and you said you could help me?", I said.  She just looked at me like I turned off all of the lights in her head.  "Oh", she says.  "Ill have to go find the manager."

                                                                                             

This is one of those ultra special moments when you either go one of two ways.  You completely lose your shit or you can hear yourself getting dumber.  I could hear myself getting dumber.  For those who want to know what it sounds like, its like a metronome ticking in the back of your head.... Out of nowhere, here comes the first kid I ran into.  "Sir, the manager will be right here" the guy said with a great deal of confidence. In the mean time...tick...tick...tick.  About I minute later, here comes the manager.  "How can I help you sir?"  this new person said, again with a great deal of confidence.

"I would like to return this item, please." I say.  "It appears to be broken sir." this person exclaims.  (Now... here is where I would normally do a u-turn and find the "lose your shit" off ramp, but I was trying to hold it all together.)  "Broken?  Yes, it is indeed broken and that is why I am returning it." I say.  "If you buy a product and go break it, I can't take that back." this person says.  "Look, you're missing my point completely.  I purchased the product, got home, opened the box and the product was broken in the box  I didn't break it.  It was already broken." I say as I nod to try to get this person to follow along and get me out of the store.

The person went on to mumble something about "policy", shuffled some paperwork around, and stared at my receipt.  The person looked up at me and I knew something profound was about to happen.  "Well what do you want me to do about it?" the kid says....  It sounded like an elephant stepped on the metronome in my head.  In the most calm voice I could muster I said, "You'd better start shitting me golden eggs or give the amount of money on the bottom of the  receipt." I got the money, apologized for the bullshit statement I made and left but when I did I thought of this....  What I said was pretty funny, but would it have been more funny saying it in a Dirty Harry voice?  Do it and tell me what you think?  Its better, isn't it?  Damn it!  Now I hate that too.

It would have sounded better, right?  Damn, I hate that shit......

December Hate Thing, Day 30....

I've been doing these hate things for almost an entire month.  It's been a lot of fun and I've covered a lot of things, I think.  Some of it serious, some fun, some of it was a combination of both.  This particular topic is one that I've been thinking about for some time.  In fact, I've been thinking about this one for a few years.

I hate that my kids are growing up.  I'm glad that they are experiencing things on their own now and are doing a lot to find their way and place in life, but what about the good old days?

 

 

See, I used to have these cute little sons running around in footy pajamas and now I've got these two other men walking around the house in their underwear....They shave now and steal my razors and shaving cream.  I used to have 2 little partners in crime who were ready to go with me and find out what kind of trouble we could brew up and now I got two dudes eating up all of my food that pretty much don't want to do anything with me anymore.  I used to have 2 little kids who couldn't get themselves dressed in the morning and now I have a couple of guys who steal my socks and shirts.  (Not all of my shirts are fair game.  Some are "old guy shit", so those seem to stick around my closet.)  I used to have a couple of kids that needed either their mother or me to get them to any extra-curricular activities and now I have 2 jokers who have their own cars, drive themselves everywhere and also have more tickets than I've ever had.  (I have no moving violations on my record....  neither one of them can say that.)

 

It's all different now.  I guess I knew things would change eventually.  On one hand, I'm glad I taught them enough that they can figure things out for themselves and do things on their own but I miss things like going camping or fishing.  It's been years since we went fishing.  The wife and I did manage to get them both to go camping this past summer!  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I am pretty sure both of them figured the camping as a "charity effort" just to keep their parents happy.

The wife and I had these two little guys who needed us for everything.  We had to cook for them, clean them up, get them dressed and comb their hair.  (Roger used to call lotion, "on you".  His logic was, "it goes on you".  Made sense.  He used to call ketchup, "french fry on you".  Wade secretly used to like it when I'd slick his hair back and call him "Fonzie".  He didn't even know who "The Fonz" was, but he thought that shit was cool.)  Now they don't do or say "cute shit" at all... ever!  To their credit, they often say some things that are absolutely hysterical.  That helps soften the blow that they are growing up.  But now, they really don't need us for a whole bunch.  Every once in a while they still need us for $20 bucks.  Nice to know that I still have a use when it comes to my kids.

I used to be able to convince them that they had relatives that they didn't have.  I told them of "Cousin Milka" who was a Swedish show girl who retired to Mazatlan Mexico to work in a topless bar.  When we went on a cruise down the "Mexican Rivera" they were semi-excited about meeting a relative they hadn't met yet....  I made up fictional characters like "Hargus".  I think I developed Hargus as some kind of deterrent so they wouldn't do stupid shit when they weren't near their parents.  I made up and they believed "The Night of the 29 Witches".  This was because they were both so excited for Halloween one year.  I can't remember the premise behind the "Night of the 29 Witches" but it was probably to make them think they could go trick-or-treating on two nights, or again as a device to keep them in check.  I guess if they end up psychopaths, I get to take responsibility for that.

Ah shit.... I hate that they are growing up.  As much as they drive my ass crazy, I am going to miss the shit out of them driving me crazy when they leave the nest and start lives and families of their own.  The wife and I are openly hoping for some grand children.  We don't want them this minute.... it can wait a few years, and we aren't holding our breath.  But the idea of having grand children that we can take fishing, hunting, camping and have over for sleep overs excites me!  The thought that we could have grandchildren over to spoil the shit out of, fill them full of sugar, buy them drum sets, tell them secrets about their parents, screw them up and send them home is a great thing to dream about.

Roger, Wade. Whether you read this or not, I love you both more than anything and wouldn't trade you for the world!  Thanks for being your mother and my kids. 

December Hate Thing, Day 29

The media.  I've found myself in the position where I never want to watch the news on t.v.  The outlet or agency is unimportant.  I feel the news has an agenda rather than being concerned with the truth.  Opinion is quoted as fact.  There is a rush to "get the story out" at all cost.  By doing so, these "news" stories end up being edited, updated, re-updated and then changed all together.  Along with some kind of agenda, there is an abundance of misinformation and opinion being quoted as fact.  I've got news for you as a consumer.  If you get your news from Chris Matthews or Rush Limbaugh you are getting a heavily biased opinion most likely devoid of truth.

Look at these fuckers!  One looks like a shitty used car salesman and the other looks like someones perverted uncle who loads his pockets with candy and asks the neighborhood kids to help themselves!

I think its funny when someone discounts a news source as "illegitimate" but then goes on to cite another source as the true "legitimate" source for news.  I think all of the t.v. media is biased.  I think the "news casters" are nothing more than self aggrandizing propaganda machines that lack an ounce of integrity.  These aren't news people.  They are fraudulent commentary providers, and its like the country doesn't care.  And why would they when the news doesn't care enough to get the story right before getting it out there?  We just accept this shit. 

Everybody in the country hates to hear about one of these ridiculous mass shootings.  It's worse when it occurs at a school.  The psychology of the whole thing is amplified when there are kids involved. This is precisely the time when the news should be accurate.  This is also the time where accuracy doesn't matter to the news people. " Just get it out there, make sure there is blood and gore.  Oh, don't forget to make some shit up about how many shooters there are and be sure to mention assault weapon."  They don't care what they say, they aren't interested in an education that would provide truth and accuracy in the story.  Its not about that.  Its about being first.

Why don't we demand better from our news sources?  Maybe if the people they were interviewing for these stories weren't so full of shit we could get some truth!  We'll start getting truth in the news at about the same time politicians quit lying and start working.  Don't hold your breath folks. 

I hate the media....

December Hate Thing.... Day 28

"Product Identification and Product Comparison"  I hate that shit.  You've seen it happen were a group of "intellectuals" are discussing "who drives the best truck", "the best beer", "the best gun for home/self protection".  If you're really lucky, sometimes these conversations end up in a fist fight. 

I've mentioned my time in the bar business a few times.  I'm going to do it again.  I've heard product comparison fights covering everything under the sun when I was in the bar business.  I shit you not, I've broken up fights over "who has the best horse, truck, cue stick, t.v...." you name it.  People have gone to blows about it in a bar. 

Apparently the guy who wins the fist fight is the person who is right.  That's what I gathered.

There is however a story I'd like to tell about a fight in the bar where the winner actually turned out to be 100% right. 

It was a busy night and we had a good crowd assembled.  The bar is a tourist trap, so we get people from all over the country and all over the world.  We also used to get a group of young fellers who liked to "mix it up" a little.  That group of guys shows up.  I went over and had a "come to Jesus" meeting with them and told them that there wasn't going to be any bullshit tonight.  They agreed.

As the evening progresses, these guys are keeping it low.  We were monitoring these guys because we always did.  If there was going to be an issue and they were in the bar, it would be one of them involved....  so, like I said, the night is progressing and I see this guy that keeps walking by this group of guys and saying something.  I asked the bartenders if our friends were out of line and was assured that they were complete gentlemen.  I went back to my observation post and let the doormen know that there may be something cooking.

This joker walks by again and says something so one of the guys stood up.  I got between them and grabbed hold of the guy I knew.  "Not in here, remember?" I said.  "Brice, this guy keeps walking by calling us pussies, saying Jackson sucks and I asked him to go outside."  The other guy is now begging this young man to step outside, so he offered up some western hospitality and promptly issued a "hall of fame" ass whoop that ended with the local kid kicking this asshole in the mouth and saying, "Welcome to Wyoming.  Now get your shit and get the fuck out of here." 

Turns out, the local kid was right.  He wasn't a pussy and Jackson doesn't suck.  By the way, I don't condone violence but it is a beautiful thing when some jack ass is walking around trying to pick a fight and then gets his ass handed to him.  I'm not a good Christian, but I honestly believe that when this happens, it's God talking. 

Everyone gets an opinion people, and just because you own something... that doesn't make it the best.  Where did this bullshit even come from?  I hate product identification... hate it with a passion.

Not a hate thing, just a question.

Can somebody please tell me why anyone is still talking about the fucking Phil Robertson, A&E, Cracker Barrel, non issue?  Are you kidding me?  Does your life suck that bad that you need to try to deflect some energy onto PR, A&E, or Cracker Barrel?  It's done... Find another cause, you wing nuts!

Okay, its Christmas and this is not going to come out sounding too Christian.

I actually had a guy (who will remain nameless, until he starts talking shit around here) that asked me what I thought about the whole thing.  So, I played stupid to see which non issue facet of the thing he wanted to discuss.

"Religion".....  "How nice, being its Christmas and all", I thought.  The guy says, "how dare A&E go after this mans religion!".  I had to inquire, being the guy I am.  "How did they go after his religion?"  This guy went on to say that by them suspending PR, that was a direct attack on his Christianity.

What is all of the paranoia about people?  In no way, shape or form was this mans religion attacked and you're an asshole if you think it was!  PR said something that a "boss" disagreed with and probably thought went against "corporate policy".  And if you'll remember back to another post I made, I said I would not be surprised if this all was some kind of a "public relations" stunt.  Every bat shit crazy Christian started buying duck calls to support Phil Robertson... fact of the matter is, not only does that benefit the Robertson Clan, it also has A&E written all over it.  "Duck Commander" is one thing... The "Duck Dynasty" is another.

I've got no problem with anyone's beliefs, but you crazy ass "Christians" are fucking nuts.  We are talking about a family that makes duck calls, is Christian, and you think their/your religion is at stake here?  You've got to be shitting me, down both legs!  This is your "Almighty God"!  He has to be more powerful than A&E and Cracker Barrel, doesn't he? If not, start praying to the bingo caller at the Elks Club for shits sake.

People, take a breath and get a grip on yourself.  Your religion is your religion all day long and twice on Christmas.  Nobody can take that away from you!  Those are your beliefs and you can hold on to them as long as you want.  "Cradle to grave says you?"  Why the fuck not!!!  This is America!  And you know what?  Maybe its just me, and maybe I am just mad over all of the false cries.... but I don't hear Phil Robertson crying about his religious rights being infringed upon!  He's smart enough to know better.  He has come out and said he won't change his opinion, and that is his right.... Phil Robertson is okay, y'all.  Phil, Miss Kay and all of them are all right all night and their God didn't turn their back on them, so back your dumb ass up!  THIS IS NOT A RELIGIOUS ISSUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have got to quit clamping down on "none issues" in this country.  A fucking "reality show" is going to be our beacon of hope?  No fucking wonder those idiots on "Jersey Shore" are millionaires!!!!  We made those clowns!!!!!! .(I like Duck Dynasty, but why in the hell did anyone pay the bags of nothing on Jersey Shore any attention?)

This is where we are as a nation, eh?  No wonder why the country is so divided!  Somehow, someway... we started letting "reality shows" be the nations "true north" or guiding light.  The nations kids idolize people like Snookie who somehow got paid to do what she did... they idolize drug dealers... they idolize complete degenerates.  Parents don't spend time with their kids.  Kids don't want to spend time with their parents.  This is a fucking mess, people!  And it doesn't have a fucking thing to do with religion.

So many people claim to be "Christians" and then spend all of their time judging people and in the mean time run around acting as weird as a whore in church.  They feel the good news is, they can repent on Sunday and all is forgiven!  Bullshit!  Why don't you try to live like a Christian... like Phil Robertson!  Why don't you love all people?  For shits sake... being black used to be an issue and we are running around now pretending shit didn't happen.  (It did, and it is time to let go for those holding on to that shit too... this is a different time and place and its out job to make it a better time and place.)  Don't shun gays.  Don't be afraid of gays... they aren't out for your religion.  Accept all people as people!  That is the bottom line.  If you are going to be a Christian, act like it and treat people as humans.  Keep their sexuality out of the equation.  It's not for your ass to lay judgement.  That shit is the "O. G's" job.

We used to be a nation that did the right shit 99% of the time, just because.  Morals are taught in homes that aren't Christian homes because everyone wants the same shot as their neighbor.  You've got that!  But you have to focus on that and you have to act like a fair fucking human being in the process!!!

Yeah, Phil Robertson's religious rights are being taken like mine are regarding free speech.  Wake the fuck people.  We are better than this.  We used to be, anyhow.

December Hate Thing, day 27....

I hate bad coffee.  Can't stand it.  I take it as a personal attack when someone serves me shitty coffee.  Coffee is supposed to be this wonderful, hot, robust tincture that warms the body, calms the soul and kick starts the shit out of your brain in the morning.

Good coffee is a cure all.  Nobody ever takes a sip of good coffee and says "well, this day is going to be all jacked up"! No.  A sip of good coffee makes you think "this day is going to be just fine" or "this will help me make it through the day".  Good coffee can changes moods, can be a conversation starter and even facilitate a good poop.  Really, you can't go wrong with good coffee.

Bad coffee?  If you serve bad coffee, you're an asshole.  Plain and simple.  And I hate the excuse of  "I am not a coffee drinker, so I don't know.".  You do know, and you're an asshole.  If you don't know, you  hire someone who does know.  This isn't rocket science.

Here's a perfect example of what bad coffee can do to you.  My little family was on a road trip.  We'd been on the road a good long time so we decided it was time to find a room at a motel that had a pool for the kids  and hopefully a continental breakfast.  Before too long see a sign along the interstate that advertised "pool and free continental breakfast".  It was just what we were looking for.  We weren't familiar with the area, so we let it be known that this was a recon mission.  If it looked decent, we were done driving for the night.



We drive into the parking lot and as it turns out, it looks to be a pretty nice place.  We walk up to the desk and a pleasant looking individual welcomed us to their place.  They had good rates, the pool looked awesome and the person behind the desk let it be known that they had a "real good breakfast".  Cha-Ching! Were in!!!

After a decent nights rest, I am up at the butt crack of dawn.  The wife begins to stir and says she will get the kids going and meet me down stairs.  As I leave the room, I can smell what indeed smells like a real good breakfast, but I do not smell any coffee.  I enter their dining area and they had eggs, sausage, bacon, toast, waffles, yogurt, cereal and fresh fruit.  "Everyone can find something here to eat" I thought.

The only thing missing was coffee.  There was a nice looking water dispenser, a hot water dispenser with numerous tea choices and milk, but no obvious coffee.  I must have had a "what in the hell kind of a deal is this" look on my face when another pleasant employee asked," Sir, can I help you with something?".  This woman looked as if she was running the breakfast show, so I knew I could direct this pointed, most important question to her.  (You've seen people you know you can't ask a question too, right?  This lady wasn't that person.)  "Yes ma'am, do you guys have any coffee?".  "Of course we do sir.  It is right over there next to the tea." and she points me in the right direction.  I get there and there is no sight of coffee anywhere.  There were about 7-8 other people eating, reading the paper and watching the news.  None of them had a cup of coffee.

I am looking all over the place and still no coffee.  Yet another pleasant looking individual comes out of the back room with more bacon.  This young man says, "Sir, can I help you?''.  I'd been looking for the coffee for about 5 minutes.  Not a long time by anyone's standards, but it was go time for coffee and the shit needed to happen soon.  "Coffee?" , I ask.  "Right there sir..." and the kid points at this tin box plugged into the wall.  It had a cup of coffee on it, so I thought this had to be it.  I hit and hold the button as per directions and fill my cup.  I take one sip of this shit and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight out!  No damned way was this shit coffee!  I look into my coffee cup for the cat turd I expected to see floating in it.  Nope, no cat turd so I being to go through all of the things that might be wrong with this stuff.  It had to be reconstituted cat shit.





I am standing there with one eye brow higher than the other, brow furrowed with a "get your finger out of my ass look" and the first person I encountered that morning walked by, put her hands to her mouth and said, "Oh Lord.... is everything okay."  I couldn't talk for a minute.  If the look on my face didn't say it all, I don't know what else I could have said.  I'm trying to scrape the taste off my tongue like a cat hair at the back of your throat.  ''This is awful" I managed to say.  "Is this even coffee?''  The lady told me, "Oh yes sir.  It says so right on the bag."  She opens the dispenser and shows me this foil looking back that has "coffee flavored beverage, with chicory".  The first thing to come to my mind is, "what in the fuck is chicory?''.  I gag a little and pour this shit down the sink.  There is no way I am going to allow my wife to drink this shit.  I know better than that.

I look out the window and see a gas station/mini mart outfit across the street.  I make my way across the street and can smell COFFEE right off the bat.  I pour 2 big cups and make my way to the cashier.  "Will that be everything?" the clerk asked.  "What in the fuck is chicory?"  The lady laughed and said, "Oh, you stayed across the street last night, eh?"  I nodded.  "Chicory is a perennial herbaceous flowing plant that is often harvested to add to salads or it is baked, ground up and used as a replacement or additive to coffee."  (Who would have known that I would have received that information from a mini-mart clerk in Nebraska?)  "Chicory sucks, so what do I owe you?''  I paid the lady and got back across the street just in time to catch the wife with the kids getting ready to eat.  I handed her COFFEE because I didn't want her to discover chicory.

As we sat there and ate, a couple about 10 years older sat just to my right.  They each had a plate of fruit and waffles and a beverage.  The man takes a sip of his and gags!  "What in the hell is this?" he says, with the same perplexed look I must have had.  "Chicory, sir.  It's a perrenial...." I start to say when he cuts me off.  "Is that coffee you are drinking?"  I nod yes and point to the gas station.  The gentleman gets up and walks that direction without a word to his wife or anyone.  (I know the feeling.)

My wife was amazed that I knew what chicory was.  When something this horrible happens to you, you tend to learn everything about the thing.  You'll even ask a gas station clerk for verification....  I hate bad coffee, ans so should you.

"Chick-Phil-a" day....

Has anyone else seen this thing going around on social media?  When you initially see the ad, you are left with the impression that it is indeed an official "Chick-fil-a" event.  When you go to the page and do some poking around, it doesn't take long to find out that is a group of nuts that think going to eat at Chick-fil-a is somehow going to protect or save all of Christianity.  (Thank God these sons-a-bitches are on watch!)

That is like saying that I am going to go eat at Wendy's to save Teton Barbershop's right to cut hair....
It just doesn't make sense, nor does it make sense to feel as if anyone's rights were infringed upon.

At the very heart of this madness is Christianity.  The poor man's right to "religious freedom" and "free speech" is supposedly under a "massive corporate attack" a good sized group of "Christians" are saying.  (Let me offer a bit of a disclaimer here.  I think there are 2 types of Christians.  There are those that try to live as much of a Godlike existence, don't do much to make waves, etc.  Then there is the group who loves to commit sin upon sin, judge everyone and tell them they are going to hell... those guys.  The first group is full of great people where as the other group is full of people who are full of shit.)  Anyhow.....  Phil Robertson and everything he stands for is under this massive corporate attack, and A&E plus Cracker Barrel are these corporate attackers. This group of saviors decides that in order to thwart this massive attack, it is best done by going to Chick-fil-a and eating a chicken sandwich.  Seems logical right?  God, the almighty, creator of everything needs this group of simpletons to save Christianity from A&E and Cracker Barrel?  If God exists, he would not need these clowns to save anything except an order of waffle fries. 

See folks... if God does really exists, he knows no rights were infringed upon.  I know this because someone would have got their ass smote...according to the bible.  It is THIS group of 'Christians' that are trying to save everyone and in the mean time are fucking everything up.  These people are paranoid and honestly feel as if their religious beliefs can just be taken away.  How?  How can your religious beliefs be taken away?  If you think A&E and Cracker Barrel are trying to take your rights away, you're a lunatic!  You're stark raving mad and you need some help.  Nobody and I repeat NOBODY can take my religious beliefs from me.  Can't happen... its in my heart and in my head, all for me to call upon it whenever I wish.  It's stronger than any adversary.  Why can't THESE Christians have the same thing?  Not secure enough? 

Look, God is okay..  Miss Kay and Phil are going to be all right.  A&E and Cracker Barrel are going to be just fine.  There are real issues going on in this country.  Why don't you find one and focus on that?  Wait, don't.... Forget I ever said that.  Why don't you run and save "Snooki" and the rest of the Jersey Shore idiots.  Do that instead.  Those folks need saving.

December Hate Thing, day 26 Cutting corners

I hate cutting corners.  Every time I cut a corner it always come back to haunt me in one shape or form.  Even though I am fully aware of this, I continue to cut corners.  For instance, I was out helping my grand dad with his garden and he had a hose clamp on part of his garden hose.  The clamp was slipping so I pulled my pocket knife out and was getting ready to use it to tighten the screw.  Grandpa being the smart man he was said, "Use the right tool for the job and get it done right.  Screw around with that pocket knife and you'll run that blade into your hand."  Grandpa started to walk away to retrieve the right tool for the job and I managed to stab the shit out of my hand.....  See what I am getting at?

Then there was the time when I was living with my dad and I instead of doing the dishes by hand (which I prefer), I decided since there was about a full load, I'd go ahead and use the dishwasher.  I load the dishwasher and much to my dismay, there was no detergent.  On a subconscious level, I knew the right thing to do would be to run to town and buy the correct detergent.  The dumb ass side of me said "Use the Dawn, genius!"  I figured I had put adequate thought into the situation.  Driving to town and back was going to take as long as the wash cycle, so it makes perfect sense to just use the Dawn and save the gas money.  I squirt about 4 tablespoons into the dishwasher and fired it up and took it upon myself to take care of some other chores.  (This is the day I learned that not all soap is a like.)

Much to my dismay, as I walked down the hall back towards the kitchen, I could see what I initially thought was smoke!  Well, it wasn't smoke.... it was soap bubbles and I had the entire kitchen and dining room full of them and the shit was creeping into the living room.  I spent hours trying to clean this train wreck up.

And here's the weird thing about all of this.  Every time I am about to screw something up, I can hear my grandpa saying "use the right tool for the job."  I swear, every time.  So between stabbing myself in the hand and filling my dads house full of bubbles, there were dozens, maybe even hundreds of screw ups of all levels.  Most of them were small and really no big deal.  Some required stitches.  That's just how things go for me.

Take the time that I was headed back to Vegas to see my mom and all of my friends.  I used to get off at 10pm on Sundays, but this was the off season so I was off at 8pm.  Immediately, I think of the plan to just go fill my duffle bag full of shorts and t-shirts (because it was spring time) and hit the road.  Brilliant!  I'd get there and everyone would be at work, so I could crash out while everyone was working and be ready for anything when they all got off work.!

I grab my loaded duffle bag, wallet full of cash, and out the door I go.  I knew it was going to be a long haul and since I had nobody to keep me company (this was before satellite radio), I knew I was going to have to get a bunch of caffeine into the blood stream and keep it flowing.  Next stop was mini mart where I promptly picked up a 6 pack of Mountain Dew, a box of No-Doze, and an extra large coffee.  Nothing was going to stop me now!

Now, I am hauling ass!  I'm past Salt Lake and I am cruising!  I had that coffee and 2 Mountain Dews pumping through the blood stream.  I'm talking turbo, Baby!  I have a grip on the wheel, the accelerator mashed to the floor and am calculating how much further I can get before I am forced to stop for fuel.  The way I had it figured, I could make it to the half way point and that would be perfect.  Turns out I forgot about all of the coffee and soda right about the time I committed to sticking to the road.  I had conveniently flown by the last bathroom opportunity about 10 minutes ago and I had to pee.  This shit was urgent.  (Here's where shit falls apart.)  I tell myself, "You ain't stopping.  Stopping is wasting time that you don't have!"  I convinced myself of it and tried my damndest to keep on trucking.

At this point, every little bump is about to make my bladder pop!  I'm sweating, but I'm determined.  That lasted about 2 more minutes and I started looking at my options.  There was the right one which required me to stop the truck, pull off the road and take a whiz.  Then there was option be which would have required me to pee while driving 90 miles an hour.  "Option B"!!!!  First I look at a pop can and think two things.  "I'm gonna pee way more than that and, knowing me, I'll somehow maim myself with the sharp edge of the can..."  I'm not that stupid, well, kinda.  I see the extra large coffee cup and was elated!  No way can I injure myself and that baby could hold at least 22-24 ounces!

I do what comes natural to me.  I started driving with my knee (going 90) and start to unbuckle my belt and get my pants unzipped.  Now, I think I am a genius.  I was having difficulty trying to find a way to get the cup at the right angle, but I had to keep the steering wheel locked were it was so I could knee drive.  I "switch hands" putting the cup in my right hand and all of my stars were aligned.  I start to pee and it was AWESOME!  Going 90, peeing at the same time while driving with my knee!!!  What could go wrong?

Turns out, nothing went wrong other than the fact that I now had a 24 ounce cup of piss and nowhere to put it.  (Truck didn't have built in cup holders.)  So I'm staring at the cup and weighing my options.  To me, I had 3.  Option A:  Hold onto the cup of pee until I got to the truck stop and dispose of it there, or Option B: Throw the entire cup and pee out the window and keep hauling ass, or Option C:  Throw the piss out the window while keeping the cup to dispose of later, since I am not a little bug.  Option C was the easy choice for the reasons stated.  Okay, this solid plan had just a bit more planning to do.  I had to be sure to open the window (duh) and had to have the correct angle on the cup as to not allow the piss to fly back in nor lose the cup in the wind.  After running some redneck physics through my head, I determined that it was going to have to be a right hand toss, over my left shoulder in order to get the cup past the door.... The plan was flawless, so I rolled down the window and grabbed the cup in my right hand.  I measure the thing up a couple of times and do a couple of complete trial runs in my head.

It's go time!  I take the lid off, wind up and let it rip.  As my arm and hand moved across my body, the bottom of the cup hits the steering wheel.  Obviously there was a splash and I determined that I no longer had any control of the cup.  My only option was to go ahead and litter because I had to open hand that piss cup out of the damned truck.  It gets worse.  As I try to redirect the cup-o-piss out the window, I slam it as hard as I possibly could into the door jam.  Piss goes flying everywhere!!!  All over me, all over the door, all over the head liner, all over the dash and down the heater vent.

After being "annointed" I go through a gagging process knowing that I am wearing pissy coffee.  My eyes are watering and I am trying to quit gagging and keep the truck on the road.  I eventually gained my composure and limped into the truck stop after wearing piss for about 30 minutes.  I had to go in and pay cash for the gas, so I thought I would also smarten up and change clothes.  I took a pair of shorts, a new t-shirt and my flip flops in.  As I open the door, it becomes abundantly clear to me that not only to I smell like piss coffee, I am wearing piss and trying to conduct business.  The clerk took my money for the fuel and pointed to the bathroom with a perplexed look on her face.

This was the walk of shame.  The smell was magnified inside this place and everyone was looking at me.  I was trying to convince myself "they think you are the new guy around here and they don't recognize you".  Anything I guess to try to avoid any more embarrassment.  I get into the bathroom and decided that I was not going to take the pissy clothes back through the entire joint, so I get rid of them and put on new, CLEAN attire after giving myself an anti piss bath in the sink.

I make it back out to the truck and get it fired up.  I grab about 30 paper towels from the window washing thing and the squee-gee.  I intended to squee-gee everything on that truck!  I get to work and get the door panel and door jam cleaned, the dash... not so much.  Piss went down the heater vent, so I am going to have that with me for a while.  I finish my clean up in less that 5 minutes and am back on the road.

As I hit the on ramp and punch it, I can hear my grandpa's voice...  "right tool for the job, blah blah blah blah....".  I couldn't help but laugh about it at this point.  I hoped to high hell that I'd never have to tell the story.  I've told it dozens of times.  Seems as if there is a pattern developing here too.

I hate cutting corners!  (And throwing piss all over me and my truck.)

December Hate Thing, day 25.....

Merry Christmas, everybody!  Hope all is well with you and yours.  So, I was sitting here trying to think on something to hate on and I kept drawing goose eggs.  Everything is really kind of nice this time of year and especially on Christmas day, and then it hit me.....

I hate that Bob Ross is still not around!  You know who I'm talking about, right?  Bob Ross!  The artist/painter guy with the white guy afro who, as he paints landscapes calls bunnies, trees, bushes,  clouds and shit, "his little friends"!  That guy!!!  I really hate that that guy isn't around any more.....



In a soft almost whisper Bob would say, "Let's put a tree right over here," as he chose a blank spot on the canvas.  He'd then make a sound affect like "Schwoooooooop" as he painted a tree trunk.  He'd step back for a second and say, "That little guy needs a friend, so he is not by himself in this beautiful place we are creating."  He'd then make that sound affect and say "there".  "Squirrels and birds need nice little places to live, just like us... so lets also make a few bushes over here.  Grab your small round brush and pick up some Cadmium Yellow, Sap Green and some Dark Sienna.  I like these colors... they represent fall, one of the more peaceful times of year.  I like peace, don't you?  Now lets go over here and put in a couple of nice bushes for the little bunnies to hide in....."

This guy would talk just like that, painting the whole time and making that shit look easy.  (It's not.  I thought I could do that shit.  Bob told me I could.  Bob lied!)  But really...  how can you not like that guy?  He had the most perfect white guy afro, softest soothing voice, happier and more peaceful than anyone you ever met, and higher than a last minute plane ticket!

Bob Ross?  I miss you man.  You conned me into buying your $38.00 kit while I knew I couldn't paint! You made me proud that I did it!!!  After writing this shit, I am thinking about doing it again! 
Before I do anything today, I am going to watch some Bob Ross on Youtube. 

Merry Christmas everybody.  You too Bob, where ever you are.  I hate that you're not here.